Right move or not?

[notdave]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? Maryland

Background:
Married 15+ years
Several children
Generally good marriage, very few arguments and no physical altercations
Neither of the participants have a history of violence
A few months ago, I was informed by my wife that she wanted to end the marriage. The main issues centered around how I managed (or failed to) our finances. She was also no longer physically attracted and no longer in love.
Subsequent to this, my wife has started up a relationship with an old flame. The relationship is long distance and they have not seen one another in person. She has made it very clear that she wants to be with this other person.
I have also been out of work for the past few months (due to a lay off) and have actively been trying to find work.

Situation:
Several weeks ago, I had a situation where my wife and I were in a heated argument (one of the very few, before or after she announced that she wanted to end the relationship). During the argument, things got out of control and she started hitting me. She only connected about 3 times (shoulder and neck area) and did not do any damage. In reaction, I grabbed her by the arm and throat and forced her to the floor. She was only held to the floor for a few seconds and no attempt was made to choke her or to put pressure on her neck or throat.

The next day, she went in to work and was confronted by her coworkers. She had some bruising from where she was restrained and had clearly been crying. Her coworkers convinced her to call the police. The police arrived at my house and immediately placed me under arrest for 2nd degree assault. My wife did not press charges and did not seek a restraining order. Under Maryland law, the responding officer made the decision to press charges based on the bruising he had observed. My wife did tell the officer that she instigated the fight and that she had thrown several punches.

Based on the above, was my wife right in contacting the police, given the facts that my actions were a spontaneous reaction to being hit and intended as self defense, even if I over-reacted in doing so?

I am looking for opinion here more than any specific legal advice.

[LdiJ]

Originally Posted by notdave

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? Maryland

Background:
Married 15+ years
Several children
Generally good marriage, very few arguments and no physical altercations
Neither of the participants have a history of violence
A few months ago, I was informed by my wife that she wanted to end the marriage. The main issues centered around how I managed (or failed to) our finances. She was also no longer physically attracted and no longer in love.
Subsequent to this, my wife has started up a relationship with an old flame. The relationship is long distance and they have not seen one another in person. She has made it very clear that she wants to be with this other person.
I have also been out of work for the past few months (due to a lay off) and have actively been trying to find work.

Situation:
Several weeks ago, I had a situation where my wife and I were in a heated argument (one of the very few, before or after she announced that she wanted to end the relationship). During the argument, things got out of control and she started hitting me. She only connected about 3 times (shoulder and neck area) and did not do any damage. In reaction, I grabbed her by the arm and throat and forced her to the floor. She was only held to the floor for a few seconds and no attempt was made to choke her or to put pressure on her neck or throat.

The next day, she went in to work and was confronted by her coworkers. She had some bruising from where she was restrained and had clearly been crying. Her coworkers convinced her to call the police. The police arrived at my house and immediately placed me under arrest for 2nd degree assault. My wife did not press charges and did not seek a restraining order. Under Maryland law, the responding officer made the decision to press charges based on the bruising he had observed. My wife did tell the officer that she instigated the fight and that she had thrown several punches.

Based on the above, was my wife right in contacting the police, given the facts that my actions were a spontaneous reaction to being hit and intended as self defense, even if I over-reacted in doing so?

I am looking for opinion here more than any specific legal advice.

Absolutely yes. You admitted that your wife did not hit you hard enough to do any damage, yet you managed to bruise her enough that the police arrested you.

What you should have done was walk away.

[mistoffolees]

Originally Posted by LdiJ

Absolutely yes. You admitted that your wife did not hit you hard enough to do any damage, yet you managed to bruise her enough that the police arrested you.

What you should have done was walk away.

And be thankful she's not going to press charges. Have your attorney contact the DA to try to get the charges dropped. If she's not willing to testify, they don't have a case.

And watch what you do in the future.

[notdave]

Originally Posted by LdiJ

Absolutely yes. You admitted that your wife did not hit you hard enough to do any damage, yet you managed to bruise her enough that the police arrested you.

What you should have done was walk away.

I agree that I should have walked away. Unfortunately, my knee jerk reaction was to keep her from hitting me. I had significant surgery on my jaw a number of years ago and am very paranoid about anything coming near my face. And there is no doubt that I overreacted. Still, does that justify her getting me arrested, putting my ability to gain employment at stake, not to mention the psychological and potential financial damage to the family (especially the kids).

Keep in mind, I had never raised a hand to her (in anger or otherwise).

As an aside, the arresting officer recommended that I press charges against her. I declined, seeing absolutely nothing positive about doing so (although it could help me in the inevitable custody battle).

[mistoffolees]

Originally Posted by notdave

Still, does that justify her getting me arrested, putting my ability to gain employment at stake, not to mention the psychological and potential financial damage to the family (especially the kids).

The answer is 'yes'. Your physical response was vigorous enough to leave bruises. There is no excuse for that except self-defense - and you admitted that she didn't hurt you in any way. Any time you injure someone, they have the right to press charges - which she didn't even do.

Count yourself lucky and learn from it. Or, continue with your 'she had no right...' attitude and watch what happens next time.

[Andy0192]

Originally Posted by LdiJ

Absolutely yes. You admitted that your wife did not hit you hard enough to do any damage, yet you managed to bruise her enough that the police arrested you.

What you should have done was walk away.

Should have called the cops & had HER arrested !

I have a sister who has been bruised by a firm handshake. Some people are just more delicate than others. I don't think bruising always is a true indication of the amount of force being used.

[notdave]

mistoffolees,

A sincere thanks for sharing your perspective (to LdiJ as well). For the record, I do not believe that she was wrong or that she had no right. This is the reason for posting here. I wanted to gain an unbiased perspective. Given, that I believe that she knew my actions were in self defense and not intended to cause harm, it was my gut reaction that her actions were irresponsible and potentially extremely harmful to everyone, including her. If I am in prison or can't find work due to a conviction, we run a high risk of losing the house and getting further into debt. We are still living together due to a lack of finances.

Again, I do appreciate the responses and am not so arrogant as to not learn from the experience.

[notdave]

Originally Posted by Andy0192

Should have called the cops & had HER arrested !

I have a sister who has been bruised by a firm handshake. Some people are just more delicate than others. I don't think bruising always is a true indication of the amount of force being used.

Andy,

Yes, in her case, she can be bruised by the wind. That being said, I did not want to "make excuses" for my actions. The lawyers also agree in that there is not much of a case against me and they believe that it will be dismissed.

That said, I still have a need to understand this situation better and learn how to avoid these things going forward.

Thanks for the response.

[LdiJ]

Originally Posted by notdave

Andy,

Yes, in her case, she can be bruised by the wind. That being said, I did not want to "make excuses" for my actions. The lawyers also agree in that there is not much of a case against me and they believe that it will be dismissed.

That said, I still have a need to understand this situation better and learn how to avoid these things going forward.

Thanks for the response.

Even if someone bruises easily, you admitted that you held her by the neck and arm and took her to the floor...that was way over the top whether you bruised her or not.

The bottom line is that you should never touch another person in anger. That is what leads to things going to far or going over the top. What a person needs to do is walk away until things cool off.

[Nativity]

Originally Posted by notdave

In reaction, I grabbed her by the arm and throat and forced her to the floor. She was only held to the floor for a few seconds and no attempt was made to choke her or to put pressure on her neck or throat.

How do you force someone to the ground without pressure?

It's not like you said you grabbed her and she decided to go to the floor for a few seconds, you used FORCE.

Stop trying to blame what happened to you on to someone else, including her.

[notdave]

Originally Posted by LdiJ

Even if someone bruises easily, you admitted that you held her by the neck and arm and took her to the floor...that was way over the top whether you bruised her or not.

The bottom line is that you should never touch another person in anger. That is what leads to things going to far or going over the top. What a person needs to do is walk away until things cool off.

Agreed, but that is easier said than done. I had never had anyone hitting me before and my immediate reaction was to restrain her from doing so. It happened so fast that it was over before I had realized what had happened. I was in complete shock at what had just transpired and would never intentionally hurt her (or anyone else).

[notdave]

Originally Posted by Nativity

How do you force someone to the ground without pressure?

It's not like you said you grabbed her and she decided to go to the floor for a few seconds, you used FORCE.

Stop trying to blame what happened to you on to someone else, including her.

I was sitting and as I stood up and grabbed at her arms she stumbled backwards and we went to the floor. I grabbed her neck because her right hand was actually behind her and out of reach, but as mentioned in another post, it was over before I even realized what had happened. The bruising actually occurred when I came down on top of her (although I mostly controlled the fall as we went to the ground) and not from the force of my grip. I'm not saying that this makes any difference, but I am posting this to provide a clearer picture of what occurred.

And I am not trying to blame anything on anyone, I am just trying to gain a better understanding by way of soliciting unbiased opinions on the matter. I am fully able to admit fault in my actions and completely agree that I went overboard.

[tranquility]

Reasonable is the watchword. What a reasonable person would believe was the risk and the reasonable amount of force necessary and what you actually believed was the risk and the amount of force required are the guidelines for a self-defense defense.

It seems I disagree with the others. As a matter of law, I think you could present the defense as this is not, per se, a legal question. As a matter of proving up the facts, I think you have some chance, but it looks like a jury (as shown on the forum) would find the amount of force unreasonable. With the history, the anteceedent and the acutal force used, I think a good attorney could convince a jury you had a defense. Especially if everyone who will testify is on the same page as to what happened.

However, that does not mean the arrest or axillary issues related to the arrest is something to complain about. Clearly there was probable cause to arrest. Get an attorney to advise on the arrest. Get a conselor to deal with your marriage and to offer suggestions to both of you on further counseling so things don't get physical again.

[maryjo]

I work with developmentally disabled people. Sometimes they can get violent. In a few months time I was attacked from behind. This guy pushed my head into a table and grabbed me by the back of my neck with both hands and then proceeded to squeeze my neck while pushing my head into the table.

A few months later another guy came up and just full on force hit me with both hands right in the chest.

Not too long after that another one slammed his head, as absolutely hard as he could, into my face right between my eyes. I went home in a neck brace with pain pills and muscle relaxers after that one. That same night I had to go back to work and deal with the guy who hit me in the chest who was having a full on "behavior" which meant he had destroyed everything in his room, was attacking staff, screaming, yelling, putting holes in the walls, etc.

(Side note: 5'1" female here and these are all full grown men.)

I have been trained in how to defend myself from these behaviors. I go to a class at LEAST 4 times a year where we spend all day going over defense moves to protect us and them. Not only that, but my ex husband taught me Marine Corps hand to hand combat.

Never once....NOT ONE TIME....has my first gut instinct been to attack them, restrain them or even stop them from doing what they were going to do. I know that if I do, that hurts them and will probably end up hurting me even more. There was one time were I was directed to take a guy down to the floor. It took two of us to do it as he was out of his mind. It was one of the most horrible experiences of my life. After having to restrain him multiple times through the night to protect himself, as well as us, and him fighting us the whole time....he didnt have ONE mark on him.

Just wanted to point out that physical violence doesnt have to be the first go to reaction when someone attacks us. I want to give you the benefit of a doubt that its because you are a man but you seem more educated than that. The very first thing we are taught is to walk away if you can. And if you cant you do everything you can to keep them away from you or anyone else without actually touching them, restraining them, or hurting them.

If we can do it...so can you.
Please keep that in mind next time.

[Ohiogal]

Originally Posted by Andy0192

Should have called the cops & had HER arrested !

I have a sister who has been bruised by a firm handshake. Some people are just more delicate than others. I don't think bruising always is a true indication of the amount of force being used.

And the law realizes that -- however there is a legal term -- eggshell plaintiff.