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Separate- afraid husband wants to screw me over

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stacey200

Junior Member
CALIFORNIA

I have been separated for 1 month. Married 17 years to kids under 18. We are selling our home. I am on the title but not on his bank accounts. He is pressuring me to get a job and if I found an apartment. I told him I was looking for a house for me and the kids but he got upset and said look for an apartment. My kids have always lived in a house and wanted to keep them use to that lifestyle. I am a stay at home mom, have been for the past 5 years. I am currently not working but will probably have to leave our home when escrow closes. He tells me that I am getting 10K from the proceeds. When I move does he still have to provide for me even if we are separate? He has been providing paying all bills and making sure we have money for food and gas. I currently have access to his account through his atm card, but Im afraid that he can close and leave me with nothing. I have tried talking to him but he is not communicating with me. I also have tried to see if we can work things out but he keeps telling me its over. I'm thinking at this point will it be better for me to file for legal separation or divorce(if theirs a difference). I also wonder why he has not filed, I know right now we don't have alot of money and maybe thats why or maybe because filing for divorce from me is more expensive for him?What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)?
 


nextwife

Senior Member
How are your joint finances? A lot of debt, little equity, what about savings, have you both been accruing any? How about retirement accounts you both accrued during the marriage? What did you do up to 5 years ago when you stopped working? How old are your kids?

You need to consider whether the lifestyle you had most recently been living was even sustainable for the both of you while married. In my work, I see MANY couples who even together were living off debt, and spending in a non-sustainable lifestyle. If so, once a second household is added to the mix, the old lifestyle is probably not possible at all. Do you know what you and he had as to net worth, jt debts, jt assets, etc?
 
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LdiJ

Senior Member
CALIFORNIA

I have been separated for 1 month. Married 17 years to kids under 18. We are selling our home. I am on the title but not on his bank accounts. He is pressuring me to get a job and if I found an apartment. I told him I was looking for a house for me and the kids but he got upset and said look for an apartment. My kids have always lived in a house and wanted to keep them use to that lifestyle. I am a stay at home mom, have been for the past 5 years. I am currently not working but will probably have to leave our home when escrow closes. He tells me that I am getting 10K from the proceeds. When I move does he still have to provide for me even if we are separate? He has been providing paying all bills and making sure we have money for food and gas. I currently have access to his account through his atm card, but Im afraid that he can close and leave me with nothing. I have tried talking to him but he is not communicating with me. I also have tried to see if we can work things out but he keeps telling me its over. I'm thinking at this point will it be better for me to file for legal separation or divorce(if theirs a difference). I also wonder why he has not filed, I know right now we don't have alot of money and maybe thats why or maybe because filing for divorce from me is more expensive for him?What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)?
You need some legal advise...probably more legal advice than we can provide. Try to see if your family can lend you the money to at least consult a local attorney, even if you cannot afford to retain one. Do NOT move out of the marital residence until a judge either orders you to do so, or you have to move due to the sale of the home.
 
Hi

I'm in California. Let me tell you that you need to get an attorney and file for divorce.

Why?

1. You have 2 children under the age of 18 that need supporting. Your soon to be ex (STBX) should be paying child support. That will be calculated using your income ($0) and whatever he is making along with how much timeshare yoiur STBX and you have with the children.

2. As a stay at home mom, you can receive permanent spousal support, retraining (so you can work) and 1/2 of all retirement funds, equity in the house, furniture, etc. You need to know what the equity in the house is because your ex could be just giving you a small portion of the equity.

3. You will need to have a parenting plan written so that you and your ex know when the children are to be with which parent.

4. Filing fees in California are $355.You sound very sheltered. I don't think you can file the paperwork by yourself or know what your rights are.

A lawyer can put a lien on the house before escrow closes or petition the court to have your husband pay his or her fees.
 

nextwife

Senior Member
Hi

I'm in California. Let me tell you that you need to get an attorney and file for divorce.

Why?

1. You have 2 children under the age of 18 that need supporting. Your soon to be ex (STBX) should be paying child support. That will be calculated using your income ($0) and whatever he is making along with how much timeshare yoiur STBX and you have with the children.

2. As a stay at home mom, you can receive permanent spousal support, retraining (so you can work) and 1/2 of all retirement funds, equity in the house, furniture, etc. You need to know what the equity in the house is because your ex could be just giving you a small portion of the equity.

3. You will need to have a parenting plan written so that you and your ex know when the children are to be with which parent.

4. Filing fees in California are $355.You sound very sheltered. I don't think you can file the paperwork by yourself or know what your rights are.

A lawyer can put a lien on the house before escrow closes or petition the court to have your husband pay his or her fees.
Why permanent alimony? Because she's the spouse witha uterus?

She said she'd been working until 5 years ago, and did NOT state that there was even any difference in income before that. How do you have enough information to state she has any right to permanent alimony when you were not provided any income information?

You also don't know if she signed the selling offer and is contractually obligated to convey the property in accordance with their contract. Or if they are in foreclosure. Placing a lien on the house COULD be very counterproductive if the loan is in default.
 
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mistoffolees

Senior Member
Why permanent alimony? Because she's the spouse witha uterus?

She said she'd been working until 5 years ago, and did NOT state that there was even any difference in income before that. How do you have enough information to state she has any right to permmanent income when you were not provided any income information?

You also don't know if she signed the selling offer and is contractually obligated to convey the property in accordance with their contract. Or if they are in foreclosure. Placing a lien on the house COULD be very counterproductive if the loan is in default.
birdbrain was also incorrect in stating that they would use Mom's current income ($0) for CS calculations. The court could impute an income based on earning ability.
 
Didn't read the part where she had worked up until the last 5 years. oops.

She would most likely get imputed income, and have a "seek work" order. However, depending on the county and the unemployment rate in that county, they may go easy on her. Some counties have 12-18% unemployment.

As for permanent alimony, yes, it sort of works that way for California and long term marriages. The reason I know is I've talked to lawyers about this subject. By the time she files and completes a divorce it may well be an 18 year marriage. Long term = spousal support. She can get temporary support ordered right away if she files now, but it will not be the final amount. There will certainly be a Gavron Warning (requirement for her to be employed)

The house: she stated they are selling, not in foreclosure. If her name is on the title, she would have to sign the listing agreement and the documents from the bank. However, she states that her HUSBAND, not the realtor, told her that she would get $10K. Why should she take his word for it? Why not make him show her the paperwork? It sounds like she has no clue as to what the actual equity in the house is. There was a 17 year marriage. The house was bought sometime in the marriage, most likely when they had children. There should be significant equity even with the housing downturn unless the husband refinanced and took a lot of the equity out during the marriage. But we don't know that because it sounds like the OP doesn't know either. It's not a short sale either since there will be cash proceeds from the sale.

Basically he was saying move out of the house, take the 10K, get a job and so long. Yes he does have to pay child support and spousal support. If she gets a job again, spousal support can be reduced, but child support will be ordered until children turn 18 or graduate from high school. And until she remarries, in California, long term marriages will have "permanent spousal support". Trust me - I talked to several lawyers about this at length (for myself) and it was also ordered in my sister's case for a 12 year marriage.

I'm just telling her to get a lawyer and file since he says "it's over". What the court orders will be up to the court, but if she rolls over and does what her Ex wants her to do, she may be shortchanging herself and her children.
 
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nextwife

Senior Member
Didn't read the part where she had worked up until the last 5 years. oops.

She would most likely get imputed income, and have a "seek work" order. However, depending on the county and the unemployment rate in that county, they may go easy on her. Some counties have 12-18% unemployment.

As for permanent alimony, yes, it sort of works that way for California and long term marriages. The reason I know is I've talked to lawyers about this subject. By the time she files and completes a divorce it may well be an 18 year marriage. Long term = spousal support. She can get temporary support ordered right away if she files now, but it will not be the final amount. There will certainly be a Gavron Warning (requirement for her to be employed)

The house: she stated they are selling, not in foreclosure. If her name is on the title, she would have to sign the listing agreement and the documents from the bank. However, she states that her HUSBAND, not the realtor, told her that she would get $10K. Why should she take his word for it? Why not make him show her the paperwork? It sounds like she has no clue as to what the actual equity in the house is. There was a 17 year marriage. The house was bought sometime in the marriage, most likely when they had children. There should be significant equity even with the housing downturn unless the husband refinanced and took a lot of the equity out during the marriage. But we don't know that because it sounds like the OP doesn't know either. It's not a short sale either since there will be cash proceeds from the sale.

Basically he was saying move out of the house, take the 10K, get a job and so long. Yes he does have to pay child support and spousal support. If she gets a job again, spousal support can be reduced, but child support will be ordered until children turn 18 or graduate from high school. And until she remarries, in California, long term marriages will have "permanent spousal support". Trust me - I talked to several lawyers about this at length (for myself) and it was also ordered in my sister's case for a 12 year marriage.

I'm just telling her to get a lawyer and file since he says "it's over". What the court orders will be up to the court, but if she rolls over and does what her Ex wants her to do, she may be shortchanging herself and her children.
No matter what state, simply having a long term marriage alone is NOT sufficient to GET permanent alimony. After all, her STBX ALSO had a long term marriage, didn't he? Is he also entitled to alimony?

I work with default borrowers, some have been in their homes 30-40 YEARS and have little to NO equity and had instead used debt to subsidize their lifestyle. Some could not really afford their "only one working" lifestyle, and accrued a lot of debt trying to maintain it. In those cases, continuing is no longer sustainable, as they have exceeded their debt carrying abilities. Those can no longer afford to live on one income.

BTW: Not being in foreclosure does not mean they may not be at or near default.

I asked the economic questions for a reason. Without some clue about the economics it is dangerous to give advice that may be very unrealistic or detrimental. Example: If they have entered into a contract to sell, and she interferes with the closing, they could face lawsuits for specific performance, or if there is a default (one can be in default without being in foreclosure) or they may be facing trouble making the payment OR their market is tanking, this offer could be her BEST shot at getting any equity out.

How much one gets out of the sale is a no-brainer, as she can have the title company provide her a closing statement for review, showing all closing costs and payoffs, and she can see what is left to be split in half. Maybe there is a lower net due to liens and judgments, maybe unpaid taxes? Knowing their economic situation helps know if there may be other adverse matters that impact title and available net proceeds.
 

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