Separation and Divorce

[sgtcwby]

What is the name of your state? Virginia

My wife and I have been Married for 4 years now and are discussing (it's going to happen) getting a divorce. Actually just found out a couple weeks ago. She was going for a new job. I thought it was to help our financial situation, but she bluntly came out of the blue and told me because she wanted to save her money so she could afford a divorce. Neither one of us have any clue where to start. We have a 4 year old son and a 2 year old daughter.

I am in the military so we moved to Central Virginia and bought a house back in Sep 06. The market is dry and basically there isn't any equity in the house. The house payments are $1800 a month. I know to survive I need to sell this house, but I don't see it happening anytime soon. To put it in perspective there are 5 houses for sell on my street and 4 of them have been for sell since Jan.

Our kids currently go to a preschool/childcare facility that costs $1200 a month.

Question #1: What is our first step...do I move out, does she? Who gets the kids? Can I leave with the kids without her calling the police? Can she? Okay that was a couple.

Question #2: After we get a separation agreement can one of us move out without the other calling it abandonment? When is it considered abandonment?

Question #3: She has said she would do joint custody...should I or should I take it to court? What are my chances of getting the kids?

Question #4: If she leaves and I keep the kids...I can not afford the house and childcare...what are my options? Am I stuck?

If I move out, am I still responsible for making the house payments, even though I know she can't afford it, especially with the childcare? I just don't know what to do...it all seems to complicated.

I Need help....step by step instructions....please help...please walk me through what I need to do...and please don't just say see an attorney...right now money is not something I am made of considering...the things about to happen.

[LdiJ]

The first thing that the two of you need to plan for is to sell the house. Obviously neither one of you can afford it on your own. Therefore there is no point in either or you attempting to keep the house. If both of you are smart enough to want to save your credit scores, then you will work out whatever you need to work out to ensure that neither of your credit gets tanked while waiting for the house to be sold.

The second thing that the two of you need to do is to recognize that you are going to be sharing your children until they are legal adults. Therefore the two of you need to work out arrangements that are in the best interests of your children.

You are in the military which means that you are deployable....which realistically means that you are not going to get primary custody of your children...and even if some how you did, then as soon as you get deployed it would revert to mom anyway.

So work together on that....

[Ohiogal]

I agree with Ld. And no it would not be abandonment if either of you moved out based on the fact that you moved out. But neither of you has to move out until a court orders you to do so. What you want do is as LD suggested. Put the house up for sale and start trying to determine joint custody of the children and the timeshare and how that will work.

[TinkerBelleLuvr]

I would recommend seeing a therapist who can work with both of you so that your feelings towards each other doesn't poison the relationships with your children. As difficult as it may be, you'll both need to stay put until the house sells.

Work out a parenting plan that is FAIR to both parties. Recognize that the children need to have relationships with BOTH parents.

[sgtcwby]

Okay, so say we put the house for sell and we live together still as husband and wife. Do we at that point get lawyers and start the separation procedure? I know that we have to live separately for 1 year in Virginia...It could take a year to sell the house! Is there a stipulation on that? Can she get alimony after only 4 years of marriage...could be 5 by the time house sells and depending on the answer above 6. I do not want to mess my wife up, but I don't want to get hurt in the process.

Also currently we have a credit card in both of our names...does that get split 50/50 or because it is my card originally it is mine to deal with?

Also I still don't understand what we would do? You are saying come to arrangements on the children. We sell the house, the only way I see uncontestation is if I give her the kids mostly, but arrange joint. There is no way she can afford a place and childcare. When do we go to court to decide child support? Right after selling the house? after the official divorce? I want the court to decide how much, because I want to be fair and not pay too much and not too little. I feel kind of wrong just giving up my kids without a fight...torn in that direction as well. I can afford to keep them with the house sold.

[TinkerBelleLuvr]

I had my ex in the same house for 15 months. We had filed for divorce and waited. It was determined how much each party had to contribute towards the household expenses while we remained in the same house - separate bedrooms.

Once we were in separate residences, they determined child support - in my case, I accepted none at the time.

[TinkerBelleLuvr]

Because you are deployable, you need to have verbage in any agreement that stipulates what happens if you shipped out - emails ... phone calls ... leave nothing to chance.

[sgtcwby]

So are you saying I can file for divorce before having lived separately for 1 year? I thought you have to file for legal separation first and wait a year.

[Bali Hai]

Originally Posted by sgtcwby

So are you saying I can file for divorce before having lived separately for 1 year? I thought you have to file for legal separation first and wait a year.

Sounds like you have made two mistakes, but the order is not clear.

One mistake was getting married to an American and having kids with her.

Another mistake was joining the military with Republicans in the White House just to get your @ss shot off.

The outcome is the same in either case. You got any other death wishes???

[sgtcwby]

Sounds like you have made two mistakes, but the order is not clear.

One mistake was getting married to an American and having kids with her.

Another mistake was joining the military with Republicans in the White House just to get your @ss shot off.

The outcome is the same in either case. You got any other death wishes???

For one thing, I didn't ask for your stupid opinionated opinion! I asked for help in my current situation.

Second thing is I have no regrets on marrying my wife and having 2 beautiful kids with her whom I love more than anything in this world.

Third thing, to be part of something as great as the American Army, there is no better calling. To defend those who live across the street, your family, people you don't know. I would trade no other profession other than what I am. I will do as ordered without qualm or bias. The war in Iraq and Afghanistan was reaction to all those who died at 9/11. I believe in the cause. Better to fight abroad than on home soil. HOOAH! I AM AN AMERICAN SOLDIER!

Lastly, so if you don't have anything that is going to help me, SHUT YOUR PIE HOLE!!

[Bali Hai]

Originally Posted by sgtcwby

For one thing, I didn't ask for your stupid opinionated opinion! I asked for help in my current situation.

You can't see the forest for the trees. GUMP!

Second thing is I have no regrets on marrying my wife and having 2 beautiful kids with her whom I love more than anything in this world.

Well why the hell are you divorcing her then??

Third thing, to be part of something as great as the American Army, there is no better calling. To defend those who live across the street, your family, people you don't know. I would trade no other profession other than what I am. I will do as ordered without qualm or bias.

Did you graduate from high school, or did you receive a certificate for attendance??

The war in Iraq and Afghanistan was reaction to all those who died at 9/11. I believe in the cause. Better to fight abroad than on home soil. HOOAH! I AM AN AMERICAN SOLDIER!

You should be a General, Bush will love you.

Lastly, so if you don't have anything that is going to help me, SHUT YOUR PIE HOLE!!

I've helped you all I can, now go get the bad guys idiot!

[sgtcwby]

I still need some help from somebody...please answer this question.

"So are you saying I can file for divorce before having lived separately for 1 year? I thought you have to file for legal separation first and wait a year."

[Ohiogal]

Originally Posted by sgtcwby

So are you saying I can file for divorce before having lived separately for 1 year? I thought you have to file for legal separation first and wait a year.

You are in the military. What is your state of residence?

[TinkerBelleLuvr]

Guess the question is home of record - and have you been living on base or off base? They are going with the court with jurisdiction.

[TinkerBelleLuvr]

I was offended also by the posts earlier. I've had three kids in the military - 2 are out now ... I am PROUD of those who serve our country.

anyway, one of the things my son did, while in process of the divorce, was to change his will and the person getting his life insurance policy. I had power of attorney (while he was in Iraq) and he spoke to me of his wishes. These are things you'll have to take care of also.