Serious issues with my mother and divorce

[edagenerkpa]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? Florida

Since Google is everywhere and I'm pretty scared of my step dad I will not use names.

My mother has been seeing a guy for about 6 months when she married him, this was a little over 2 years ago. Since then things have been on a constant downward spiral, things have gotten pretty bad and worse. The house and vehicles (aside from mine) are in his name.

He has been emotionally abusive pretty consistantly over the 2 years, spends long periods of time away from home, and in general making things extremely unpleasant. He has driven off all of mom's friends and makes a lot of family not like to be around (I understand it is very typical of abusive and controlling men).

He also has a lot of connections of an unsavory variety. Dangerous people which my mom does not want to tempt. He seems to have kind of a reach because of that. When he gets mad he gets ballistic (throwing stuff around, causing a huge mess and I think he has hit mom on a few occasions but I have not witnessed it). This makes her scared of him and she thinks that she has no options other than give him what he wants (divorce seems inevitable) and hope that he goes away. Since the cars and house are in his name, she has pretty much nothing of real value in her name, and she is thinking about quitting her job in order to have access to her 401K (her job is not paying well anymore, it depends on commission and of course sales of everything are down).

I'm not sure how easy this is to follow, but if anyone has ANY help at all I would greatly appreciate it. I am worried sick about all this stuff for my mom and I would greatly appreciate any help anyone can provide. If you need more info I'll see what I can do.

Thanks.

 

[Ohiogal]

Well you are an adult most likely so invite your mother to come live with you. She is entitled to half the equity (if ANY) in the house and property -- as well as half the accumulation during the marriage of stepdad's retirement. Your stepfather is entitled to half of what accumulated during the marriage of your mother's retirement/401(k). Help her get an attorney.

 

[edagenerkpa]

I'm still in college I still live at home.

The problem is that he hasn't really been employed during all this time and she is running low on money (she told me that she does not have any money to cover the bills for this month) so she's pretty sure that she'll be losing the house anyhow.

I guess if he was gone and didn't take anything then she could maybe salvage the house and keep it, but that isn't going to happen.

Some more background that I guess I did not include:

He "matched every penny" that she had, going in to the marriage. Now when that happened my mom had a good deal of money (enough to be comfortable, not incredibly rich though) but now we're on the verge of losing the house.

She's considering bankcuptcy but knows nothing about it.

 

[nextwife]

Well you are an adult most likely so invite your mother to come live with you. She is entitled to half the equity (if ANY) in the house and property -- as well as half the accumulation during the marriage of stepdad's retirement.

She may be entitled to half, if any, if any equity in the home that occurred during the 2 year marriage.

Wonder what happens when there is negative equity during the marriage of a spouse is entitled to what accrues during the marriage, do they also share when the value goes the other way?
In this market, most likely any equity has been negative.

However, did he bring the home to the marriage or did they buy it after marriage? If bought after marriage, did he use premarital assets only to buy it?

 

[edagenerkpa]

The house was hers before the marriage, and since then they refinanced it in both of their names. I am not sure on the specifics. He says that he "matched" what she had, I'm assuming that it went in to the refinancing somehow.

 

[OldandTired]

This is coming from personal experience, and I really hope you will heed this advice.

My mother is 71 years old. She has never had an enemy in her entire life. She married the pig that she's still married to back in 1978. He has controlled her every move for all of these 30 years.

Whatever you have to do to get your mother out of this situation, do it. Remember that your mother should always be respected to have the final say as to what she wants to do, but avail yourself to her at all times.

Help her battle out the legal problems AFTER she is away from this control-freak POS. I loathe men that have no respect for ladies, and wish the absolute worst in the world upon them. Help your mother in every way you can.

You will both be better off in the end.

I wish you both the very best.

 

[edagenerkpa]

Thanks for the words of advice.

I have always loathed men like my stepdad above all else, but it has always been a somewhat distant thing. Now it's personal and I know what people like my mother have been going through.

Another thing that sucks is that my biological father recently died (complications from alcoholism) but he has always been a very good guy his whole life. Funny how life works out sometimes.

I think that she has finally realized (with impending economic crisis coming on) that she's got to get away from this guy. I guess now all that's left is finding out how, and a way to salvage her life from this.

I guess things would be easier if things weren't so bad as far as the local economy is concerned. At least then she'd be making enough money to support herself. On the other hand I guess if she was, she wouldn't be so motivated to leave...

 

[mistoffolees]

There's only one thing missing from your story - the part where your mother ASKS for your help.

Stay out of it unless she asks for help. If she does, then she can tell you what she needs.

 

[edagenerkpa]

She has asked me for ideas of what she should do, she is a rather naive woman and doesn't know much about this sort of thing. Until pretty recently she thought the world of this guy.

 

[mistoffolees]

She has asked me for ideas of what she should do, she is a rather naive woman and doesn't know much about this sort of thing. Until pretty recently she thought the world of this guy.

Then refer her to a support group and/or attorney.

 

[OldandTired]

The services of an Attorney would best at this time, because she would have someone with a legal doctorate advising her, so she can trust what the Attorney says is true, and she would have you for moral support.

While we, as children, are always going to be biased, you can let your mother you are there for her, no matter what she needs, and that you will help her every step of the way.

Control-freaks never get better, (at least without years of counseling). You have already stated this pig's present state of mind, and your mother is in danger. (I'm sure you already know this).

It is highly advisable that your mother seek a Protective Order, right from the start, to make him arrestable in the event he shows everyone just how stoopid he really is. While all of the automobiles and everything else are in his name alone, she can still seek her share of the marital property in the property settlement phase.

Don't sweat the small stuff. Just get her out of there and into a safe environment.