At What Point Am I Free?

[mrsmith]

What is the name of your state? Connecticut

I'm approaching the "zero hour" of filing for divorce. It's been 9 years of marriage...the last 3 of which have been nothing but distance and complete emotional detachment.

For the past year, I've gotten close to a female friend whom I've grown to love and adore with all my heart. We haven't done anything questionable up to this point simply because of my current marital situation.

I'm not getting a divorce "for" or because of this other woman. But I know that the divorce my drag out for a long time depending on how my wife reacts to the whole thing. I know she's prepared for it to a certain extent, but not sure what her overall demeanor will be (combative, cooperative or otherwise).

My question is, at what point am I free to be with someone else without having it possibly be used against me? I'm not even sure if there's a definate answer, but was curious.

Thanks in advance...

 

[brisgirl825]

When your divorce is final.

 

[Kane]

You didn't say whether you had kids. If you don't, file for divorce and move out. It might make your wife pissy, but I don't see how it makes a difference what you do after that.

If you do have kids, I wouldn't do anything that could conceivably have any effect on them, until custody issues are finally resolved. Including setting up house with a "new mom."

Even then, I'd concentrate on the children, not your new romance. Divorce is hard enough on kids as it is. (But that's just personal advice, not legal.)

 

[mrsmith]

Yes...2 kids. 5 and 7.

When your divorce is final.

I was looking for more of a legal opinion, not a moral indignation.

 

[weenor]

You didn't say whether you had kids. If you don't, file for divorce and move out. It might make your wife pissy, but I don't see how it makes a difference what you do after that.

If you do have kids, I wouldn't do anything that could conceivably have any effect on them, until custody issues are finally resolved. Including setting up house with a "new mom."

Even then, I'd concentrate on the children, not your new romance. Divorce is hard enough on kids as it is. (But that's just personal advice, not legal.)

Ditto. Dude if you bred you will not be free until the little ones are 18 (or in some states done with college). Good Luck

 

[Zephyr]

Yes...2 kids. 5 and 7.


I was looking for more of a legal opinion, not a moral indignation.

that asnwer is correct, until your divorce is final, she can drag you through the mud in court, even if she doesn't need to she can still do so, why give her ammunition?

 

[kimberlywrites]

Hi buddy,
Wow I am in the exact same situation as you, except I am the wife who fell for a dear friend etc, etc, and I even have kids the same age as you. The dear friend of mine, his divorce became final in December but the ex-wife was as nasty as could be during the divorce. Hell hath no fury, and all that.
All I can tell you from my own experience is: you are entitled to a life. Just keep any visible romance for your new love away from the children, and you should be fine. You don't want your wife to be able to say you have acted inappropriately in front of the children. That will give her more ammunition. But be prepared for her to come after you with a vengeance, no matter what you do. You have some hard times ahead of you, but I firmly believe that you should follow your heart. Life is too short, and all of that. I'm sure my comments will be blasted by some posters, but that's how I feel. Good luck to you. Keep your eye on the goal, and try not to let others drag you down. You know what's right for you, so set forth and do it, albeit carefully for now.

 

[Bali Hai]

that asnwer is correct, until your divorce is final, she can drag you through the mud in court, even if she doesn't need to she can still do so, why give her ammunition?

can and WILL

 

[brisgirl825]

Yes...2 kids. 5 and 7.


I was looking for more of a legal opinion, not a moral indignation.

And I didn't think anyone could be more obtuse than Kelly.

Until you're divorced any sex, that is not with your wife, is an affair and can possibly be used against you. Get it?
I am not some right-wing Xtian fundie. I could care less who, when, how, or where you are bumpin' uglies. You asked a question and you got an answer. It's not my problem if you don't like the fact you can't bone your g/f without possible consequenses.

 

[weenor]

Well Now

that we know you have children, we can add to the equation. Your Stbx will blame the failure of your marriage on your signifcant other and use your relationship to fight for custody and/or reduced visitation. Understand that your relationship (unless there is something inappropriate going on with the kids) will not affect these issues, but it will add fuel to the fire and drag out the divorce proceedings. Then once the divorce is final, the battles will begin anew when you announce your relationship (either by living together or marriage). You and your significant other will be accused of everything from being alcoholic druggies to porn stars running the porn business out of your home. Stbx will sling your parental fitness around for a long time to come.

All anyone can suggest is to keep your relationship extremely low key until the divorce is final and try to prepare your new love for the emotional roller coaster you both are about to be on- basically until the children are grown.

 

[kimberlywrites]

extremely well said, weenor. You are quite right, I'm afraid.

 

[mrsmith]

And I didn't think anyone could be more obtuse than Kelly.

Until you're divorced any sex, that is not with your wife, is an affair and can possibly be used against you. Get it?
I am not some right-wing Xtian fundie. I could care less who, when, how, or where you are bumpin' uglies. You asked a question and you got an answer. It's not my problem if you don't like the fact you can't bone your g/f without possible consequenses.

I wasn't asking about sex.

Sorry you've been hurt in the past, but it wasn't by me. So don't bother. Biased and stereotypical assumptions based on your previous experiences aren't going to help me or anyone else.

 

[panzertanker]

I wasn't asking about sex.

Sorry you've been hurt in the past, but it wasn't by me. So don't bother. Biased and stereotypical assumptions based on your previous experiences aren't going to help me or anyone else.

You are one obtuse sumbitch!

Go away, you are wasting ALL of our time!
(parting words of advice)
ANY RELATIONSHIP (SEXUAL OR OTHERWISE) CAN/WILL BE USED AGAINST YOU AS "ALIENATION OF AFFECTION" OR SOME OTHER WHO HA. DO NOT START A RELATIONSHIP UNTIL THIS ONE IS OVER AND LEGALLY FINISHED.

 

[brisgirl825]

I wasn't asking about sex.

Sorry you've been hurt in the past, but it wasn't by me. So don't bother. Biased and stereotypical assumptions based on your previous experiences aren't going to help me or anyone else.

Are you dumb or stupid?

You asked when you are free to be with someone else. If not sex, then what do want to be free to do with your lady friend? You implied sex and you know it, otherwise you wouldn't be here.

 

[HomeGuru]

Are you dumb or stupid?

**A": it appears both.

******

You asked when you are free to be with someone else. If not sex, then what do want to be free to do with your lady friend? You implied sex and you know it, otherwise you wouldn't be here.

**A: Doh!**************...