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Wheretobegin

Junior Member
What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? New York.

Hi, I am a bit unsure where to begin but here goes.

Married 12 yrs- together for 20.
I am disabled- on SSD. Husband wants to get a legal separation so I can stay on his health insurance.
It is amicable.

My question is we are just going to separate for now and he says in a year or so get a legal separation. I will find a place for myself and he said he will support me. I am getting advice from so many different people my head is spinning.

Some tell me to go to a mediator now and get this in writing but my husband says we will go later, after a year or so. He said by then we will know if what he is giving me monthly is enough. Is there anyway one can figure an amount out? I want to be fair, and when I even mention going to a lawyer for advice and future financial planning he wiggs.

Any help would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks!
 


mistoffolees

Senior Member
My only thought is that one party in an 'amicable' separation goes ballistic if you talk about seeing an attorney or financial planner that he may be hiding something.

Whether that's true or not, 'amicable' separations have a way of becoming much less amicable over time. There are countless stories in this forum where parties started to separate amicably and then things blew up. Or where the separated amicably and found out later that the one party really took advantage of the other.

I would strongly encourage you to find out more about your options - and you're just scratching the surface here. Talk with an attorney and financial planner - he won't know unless you tell him.

As for insurance, people sometimes make too big a deal of it. You definitely need to make sure that you have coverage, but if you go from one group plan to another plan, it may not be as horrendously expensive as you think. In my experience, COBRA isn't usually a good deal (I got private insurance that's at least as good for about 1/2 the price), but it's another option to consider. I'd also suggest that you talk with in insurance agent about your particular situation to get an idea of what it will cost. You may well find that the cost of both of you being insured separately isn't all that different than the cost of him having two people on his policy.
 

Wheretobegin

Junior Member
Hi mistoffolees,

Thank you so much for responding. I feel kinda lost in all this. It was me from the get go to just go along with him. We have been together for 20 yrs and I have always trusted him, but the way he went about this just has left me with a very bad feeling. I guess I am insecure now that he will not keep his word to help me like he says, and then I will be in real trouble. I have no income besides my SSD which isn't much. Just enough to get myself an apartment with Utilities included I hope! I am going to stay here a few months and save my SSD so I have some money to move out with.

We don't have a savings or house or anything like that. No Children either... thank god. I think that would have done me in.

I can't drive so he can have the car. I mean I can't use it, and I didn't even stop to think about things like that because we always shared everything. I basically just want to go on with my life and be happy again.

Like I said the most important thing for me is my health benefits and he offered to help support me. This is another thing that is now causing a problem because he says I can survive fine on a hundred dollars a week from him and I just never expected him to say something like that to me. But then again after 20 yrs together, I never expected him to say he wants a divorce either. Life is just full of fun surprises!

I did call a lawyer tonight and we talked for a while. He went nuts when I said a hundred dollars a week. He asked me how I planned to survive on that, and I honestly told him I have no idea. Anyway he made me aware of several things I had no clue about. Spousal support and the pension plan. Another thing he mentioned I am very unsure about. He said if my husband makes 4,000 a month, then I should ask for 2,000. He said I had to start thinking about me now, and I agree, but I do not want to hurt this man in any way. He has been by my side the last 10 yrs while we went from hospital to hospital. I don't want half... I just want to know I can survive. I don't go out, and my expenses are minimal, only going back and forth to the hospital and doctors.

I plan on doing exactly what you said. I am going to see a professional about this, and that will be my business.

Can you tell me if we make a verbal agreement to a certain amount now and I move out, then a year from now we get legally separated, will this hurt us in anyway?

The more I spoke with the lawyer tonight, the more your message is sticking in my head. He also said something to the fact I am being taken advantage of when he heard what my husband makes and wants to give me.

I am just so confused.

Thank you again, so much for your time and information.
 

LdiJ

Senior Member
Hi mistoffolees,

Thank you so much for responding. I feel kinda lost in all this. It was me from the get go to just go along with him. We have been together for 20 yrs and I have always trusted him, but the way he went about this just has left me with a very bad feeling. I guess I am insecure now that he will not keep his word to help me like he says, and then I will be in real trouble. I have no income besides my SSD which isn't much. Just enough to get myself an apartment with Utilities included I hope! I am going to stay here a few months and save my SSD so I have some money to move out with.

We don't have a savings or house or anything like that. No Children either... thank god. I think that would have done me in.

I can't drive so he can have the car. I mean I can't use it, and I didn't even stop to think about things like that because we always shared everything. I basically just want to go on with my life and be happy again.

Like I said the most important thing for me is my health benefits and he offered to help support me. This is another thing that is now causing a problem because he says I can survive fine on a hundred dollars a week from him and I just never expected him to say something like that to me. But then again after 20 yrs together, I never expected him to say he wants a divorce either. Life is just full of fun surprises!

I did call a lawyer tonight and we talked for a while. He went nuts when I said a hundred dollars a week. He asked me how I planned to survive on that, and I honestly told him I have no idea. Anyway he made me aware of several things I had no clue about. Spousal support and the pension plan. Another thing he mentioned I am very unsure about. He said if my husband makes 4,000 a month, then I should ask for 2,000. He said I had to start thinking about me now, and I agree, but I do not want to hurt this man in any way. He has been by my side the last 10 yrs while we went from hospital to hospital. I don't want half... I just want to know I can survive. I don't go out, and my expenses are minimal, only going back and forth to the hospital and doctors.

I plan on doing exactly what you said. I am going to see a professional about this, and that will be my business.

Can you tell me if we make a verbal agreement to a certain amount now and I move out, then a year from now we get legally separated, will this hurt us in anyway?

The more I spoke with the lawyer tonight, the more your message is sticking in my head. He also said something to the fact I am being taken advantage of when he heard what my husband makes and wants to give me.

I am just so confused.

Thank you again, so much for your time and information.
The attorney is right. Your husband is trying to take advantage of you. I know this will sound cruel, but he wants to be rid of you with the minimum impact on his life and finances. You need to get things legally done and get a fair settlement. You don't have to ask for 1/2 of his income, but in asking for half you do give yourself room to negotiate.

The odds of your SSI covering both rent and utilities is not strong, and you will need either a cell phone or a landline, money for transportation back and forth to the doctors and hospitals, copays on medical services and presriptions, and food and sundries.

You have a pre-existing condition therefore you may not be insurable. Therefore you do need to remain on your husband's insurance as long as possible, and you may be stuck with the cost of Cobra eventually.

How old are you? How long will it be until you are covered by Medicare?
 

Wheretobegin

Junior Member
Hi LDiJ,

Thank you for your help. I am on Medicare now, have been for the last 10 yrs, his insurance is primary and Medicare is secondary. I am 40 yrs young. (Possible Heart Transplant.)

If he does drop me from his insurance, can't I get something like a secondary plan, or will that not be possible because of my preexisting condition too.

I want to trust him... And I do know that sounds incredibly stupid at this point but he is so changeable from day to day. One day he says he wants me to have his benefits and the next he tells me I can go on Medicaid. Then he told me he would pay the extra 20 bucks for the cell phone, and keep me on his plan but now he is telling me to just go get a throw away. I am feeling very insecure at this point and my trust is slipping with each day.

I told him today that I am going to a professional for help with my future and finical planing and he got upset, telling me I could not because it cost too much money and we don't have it. I told him, some give free consults and he seemed to get even more upset. I even told him I would never try to hurt him in anyway. I told him I am just scared and want to know I can survive on my own with what he is going to give to me. A lawyer or mediator can help me figure this out, they will make me feel better about this. He said he thought I was smart and then went on to say we could figure it out ourselves.

I feel like the amicable is heading south. I'm thinking of just leaving now instead of staying here and saving like we planned. I just want to get away at this point.
 

LdiJ

Senior Member
Hi LDiJ,

Thank you for your help. I am on Medicare now, have been for the last 10 yrs, his insurance is primary and Medicare is secondary. I am 40 yrs young. (Possible Heart Transplant.)

If he does drop me from his insurance, can't I get something like a secondary plan, or will that not be possible because of my preexisting condition too.

I want to trust him... And I do know that sounds incredibly stupid at this point but he is so changeable from day to day. One day he says he wants me to have his benefits and the next he tells me I can go on Medicaid. Then he told me he would pay the extra 20 bucks for the cell phone, and keep me on his plan but now he is telling me to just go get a throw away. I am feeling very insecure at this point and my trust is slipping with each day.

I told him today that I am going to a professional for help with my future and finical planing and he got upset, telling me I could not because it cost too much money and we don't have it. I told him, some give free consults and he seemed to get even more upset. I even told him I would never try to hurt him in anyway. I told him I am just scared and want to know I can survive on my own with what he is going to give to me. A lawyer or mediator can help me figure this out, they will make me feel better about this. He said he thought I was smart and then went on to say we could figure it out ourselves.

I feel like the amicable is heading south. I'm thinking of just leaving now instead of staying here and saving like we planned. I just want to get away at this point.
Hon, amicable was only going to last as long as you agreed to whatever he decided, and as long as you didn't get any advice from anyone else. That was obvious from your very first post.

Unless remaining negatively effects your health, or you do not feel safe, DO NOT leave. Get yourself an attorney even if you have to borrow money from family to pay for the retainer. Let a fair settlement be worked out. Don't take him to the cleaners but don't let him take you to the cleaners either.
 

Wheretobegin

Junior Member
Hey,

Thank you so very much for all the advice and help. I plan on seeing an attorney one day next week. I hope he can shed some light on this, and do like you said.

It would be great if this can remain amicable and things can just be made fair. I hope neither of us has to go that route, The Cleaners. It's just whenever we talk about it we end up arguing, and before this we hardly ever argued.

I just wanted to say Thank You again from my heart. You and mistoffolees both have been very kind and informative. My words don't feel like enough but I just wanted you both to know you are Appreciated! :)
 

Wheretobegin

Junior Member
Hi again,

I spoke with a lawyer who really seemed to know her stuff and a lot more too. She definitely helped my stress level. it was refreshing to talk to someone face to face.

She said I was entitled to my husbands Pension and 475 plan. I didn't know that and he never mentioned the 457 to me, but we just opened it last year so nothing really has accumulated in it. Only 7,000, and he said he would willingly give me half but that its and it's done.

Is that how it works? He went on to say once we get legally separated the 457 will be his only. It will be his savings for his future. It doe make sense but the lawyer never said anything like that.

The same with the Pension.. He explained I would only get the pension amount for the 8 yrs he has worked. Again I must admit this makes sense... I think.

Thank you!
 

LdiJ

Senior Member
Hi again,

I spoke with a lawyer who really seemed to know her stuff and a lot more too. She definitely helped my stress level. it was refreshing to talk to someone face to face.

She said I was entitled to my husbands Pension and 475 plan. I didn't know that and he never mentioned the 457 to me, but we just opened it last year so nothing really has accumulated in it. Only 7,000, and he said he would willingly give me half but that its and it's done.

Is that how it works? He went on to say once we get legally separated the 457 will be his only. It will be his savings for his future. It doe make sense but the lawyer never said anything like that.

The same with the Pension.. He explained I would only get the pension amount for the 8 yrs he has worked. Again I must admit this makes sense... I think.

Thank you!
That is correct. When it comes to retirement assets you are only entitled to 1/2 of what accumulated during the marriage, prior to the legal separation date. That basically goes for all other assets/debts as well. I am glad that you talked to an attorney, but you are also going to need to hire one.
 

Wheretobegin

Junior Member
Hi and thanks for replying.

Yes. I am getting the feeling I am going to need one now too. What I thought was going to be amicable is turning ugly. I can't believe it. it's breaking my heart, and trust me I am trying not to be emotional about this. I am trying to be very level headed and calm when we talk but we just keep fighting.

I told him what the lawyer said, what I was entitled to, About me receiving possible lifetime support and health benefits and he wigged. He was furious and he stunned me with his uncaring words. He wants to know why it is his problem. I explained to him I would not be able to survive on my SSD $1300.00 a month and all he keeps saying is why is that his problem. I am shocked! I have no idea who this man is and I feel like such a fool.

On Friday he had a change of heart and tells me he now wants to give me lifetime support and benefits. He is making my head spin. Oh and he makes sure to tell me that lifetime spousal support is a toss up and if I go to a lawyer I may not get it and then I will just screw myself. So getting past his words, I thought that was great and we would not need the lawyers. Then he explains when he retires he doesn't need to give me Spousal support anymore, and again we are back to square one. I ask him how will I survive and he says it's not his problem.

He said we just need to work on the amount of spousal support and we can go to a mediator. He wants to give me $700.00 a month. I thought that would be okay but the lawyer laughed at me when he found out my husband makes $100.000 yr.

So I told my husband he makes a $100.000 a yr and wants to give me $8200.00. Do you think this is fair, and he answered with, I am giving you lifetime support and health care benefits and now I want his left arm, as well as his right.

Sigh. My goodness I am ready to lose my mind. Is there a certain amount or percentage the law goes by. What I am asking I guess, is what is fair because he has me feeling like I am asking for too much, and the lawyer says I am not asking for enough, and I wish I just knew the right thing to do... Besides Scream!
 

Perky

Senior Member
The attorney is right. Your husband is trying to take advantage of you. I know this will sound cruel, but he wants to be rid of you with the minimum impact on his life and finances. You need to get things legally done and get a fair settlement. You don't have to ask for 1/2 of his income, but in asking for half you do give yourself room to negotiate.
You've gotten a lot of good advice, but I think the best advice you've gotten was in the fourth post, above, especially the bolded part. Stop talking to your husband about it. He doesn't sound sincere from your posts, and not to be trusted. Let your lawyer handle it, otherwise you run the risk of getting royally screwed.
 

mistoffolees

Senior Member
Quit talking with your husband about it. Use your attorney and mediator to settle things. You're not going to get anywhere trying to work it out yourself.
 

Wheretobegin

Junior Member
Thank you both.

Yes I agree. It makes complete sense.

The problem is me. We have always talked and I guess I keep feeling like we still can! Duh! Not!

I get it. My blinders are off and I see what I am doing. I Just want this over and I want to move on.
It stinks that I have to stay here with him for the next few months to save.

It's time for me to shut my mouth and I will definitely let my lawyer handel it.

Thank you all very very much!!!
 

Wheretobegin

Junior Member
Hi,

I am back and I just want to say THANK YOU!

Thank goodness I listened and took your advice, LdiJ and mistoffolees. I am very thankful and grateful to you both for all your help.

I has been a few months for me and I have been saving my SSD checks. I almost have enough to retain my lawyer. Yes. A real lawyer!:) I have finally listened and took a step in the correct direction.

Of course my soon to be Ex is now saying he changed his mind and he doesn't want to split! After he found out what I was entitled too he blew his lid and threatened to get a bed, put it in the spare room, and live like we are. He said it is cheaper to keep me! He has made the last five months hell on earth for me and I finally took a huge step and kicked him out of the bedroom and now my bed!

I am slowly growing a backbone, and he is making it easier each time he is so mean to me. He says the craziest things and keeps telling me no one can believe what I am doing to him. ME? OMG! I made sure to remind him this was his choice. Not mine. I have to live too.

Anyway he has been to 3 lawyers now and he says he is not happy with any of them. After, of course, telling me we should both use his first lawyer who only cost $300.00 bucks for the legal separation Paper work.

I told him it was not happening. I have my own lawyer now and he was stunned. Now he threatened me that if I use a lawyer, I will lose everything he is offering me. He then went on to say this is war and I was being spiteful! he said I would lose. I reminded him that for the last five months I have been trying to work things out with him and I didn't use the lawyer or have him served.

I think LdiJ said it best with the amicable statement. As long as I do whatever he says it will be fine, but as soon as I disagreed with him, well he goes nuts!

We are in someway still talking and trying to agree, but in all honesty nothing has changed in five months. He told me he was going to find out about his pension plans, and get the info on the life ins policy, and to this day he still has not.

He is using his family against me and this hurts because I love them. He told me they can't believe I want lifetime spousal support. I tried to explain once again, I will only have SSD to live on, and if they were in my shoes they would understand, but I also know he failed to tell them I was willing to cut the support in half when he retires and gets his pension too. So he is only telling them half of the story of course. He is not going to be honest and tell them how he gambles and drinks all the money away anyhow.

I told him I was done talking and from now on his lawyer can talk to my lawyer. I told him the stress of this was weighing on my heart and I was not feeling well and he laughed in my face and mimicked me.

I can not believe how uncaring this man has become. It is such a shame and I feel like a fool for loving him the way I did. For me love wasn't just blind... it was deaf and dumb too! But no more, thanks to you both and the support here, as well as my family.

Thanks again! :)
 

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