Where do I start?

[Homeless Dad]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? New York

We will be married 7 years this summer. I can't take it any more - I am treated as a second class person and I am willing to walk a way with the clothes on my back and joint custody of our kids. As primary care-giver up until the last couple of weeks (ages 3&5) I stayed home days and worked eve & weekends - my lawyer says to go for full custody?? I want my kids but I know they need their mother even though I have a low opinion of her ( I never say anything bad about her around the kids - she yells at me and I just take it because I don't think kids should watch that kind of thing) I am rambling as I don;t know where to turn. Details: We purchased home in her name before we were married - I have never been put on title. Do I loose everything. I do have proof I gave her money for D.P. and we have had a joint checking & savings account since we have been married. I have put a lot of sweat equity in this home as well! Even in this market it still is worth $60 K more than we spent on it. Am I out of luck or do I have claim to the equity. I haven't found a lawyer yet. I caught her trying to have an affair two years ago and she tells me to this day she whished she went through with it. I have stock options from a job b4 we were married and a recent inheritence that can provide a way out ( 50% down on a house) and three part-time jobs that gross about $600 a week in upstate NY. I talked with Mort people and they think that with so much down I can get financed. I don't care if I live in a box ops she is coming - I don't know what to do. What do I need - when you don;t know enough to ask questions - advise please???

 

[LdiJ]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? New York

We will be married 7 years this summer. I can't take it any more - I am treated as a second class person and I am willing to walk a way with the clothes on my back and joint custody of our kids. As primary care-giver up until the last couple of weeks (ages 3&5) I stayed home days and worked eve & weekends - my lawyer says to go for full custody?? I want my kids but I know they need their mother even though I have a low opinion of her ( I never say anything bad about her around the kids - she yells at me and I just take it because I don't think kids should watch that kind of thing) I am rambling as I don;t know where to turn. Details: We purchased home in her name before we were married - I have never been put on title. Do I loose everything. I do have proof I gave her money for D.P. and we have had a joint checking & savings account since we have been married. I have put a lot of sweat equity in this home as well! Even in this market it still is worth $60 K more than we spent on it. Am I out of luck or do I have claim to the equity. I haven't found a lawyer yet. I caught her trying to have an affair two years ago and she tells me to this day she whished she went through with it. I have stock options from a job b4 we were married and a recent inheritence that can provide a way out ( 50% down on a house) and three part-time jobs that gross about $600 a week in upstate NY. I talked with Mort people and they think that with so much down I can get financed. I don't care if I live in a box ops she is coming - I don't know what to do. What do I need - when you don;t know enough to ask questions - advise please???

I believe NY is an equitable distribution state, but even in an equitable distribution state you are entitled to an equitable share of the marital assets. While the house is her own property, the equity that has accrued during the marriage is a marital asset.

Any savings are also marital assets, as well as any retirement savings that accrued during the marriage.

Your stock options appear to be a pre-marital asset so they are your own separate property. Your inheritance is also your own separate property.

Hold off before you purchase a house. You have to be legally separated for a full year before you can divorce in NY, so you are going to want to be careful about buying any major assets until you are certain that they can't be considered marital assets. In addition, you don't necessarily want to tie up that much of your inheritance in a house. You may need it to be more liquid.

You may not be able to support yourself and cover your share of the children's support, with just 600.00 a week. Even with a low house payment, you would be pushing the limits. You probably are going to need to get a full time job, with benefits. Don't settle a custody schedule until you are certain what your work schedule will be. It may be that the children are going to have to be in day care.

You are correct. Your children need both of you. Your children will also be happier if you and their mother can deal with each other amicably. You certainly would have a shot a primary custody (not full custody, I don't know why your attorney would encourage that, joint legal custody is very much the norm these days). Your kids are at the age where joint physical custody, a 50/50 timeshare, works better than at other ages, so that is a reasonable possibility.

Try to make this whole thing the least hostile possible, but don't give up anything that you are entitled to receive either.