Wife romantically involved with my sister's husband.

[jamesjoyce1]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? Virginia

My wife and I agreed to separate under the pretense that we would seek counseling and try to reconcile the issues with our marriage. After separating, she informed me that she wanted a divorce. I argued with her, but ultimately decided that if she wants a divorce, she can have it. I had grown suspicious that she and my sister's husband were developing a raomantic relationship and my wife has confirmed those suspicions, even going so far as to let him move into her house. How could this effect the duration of the separation and the divorce (besides the devastating emotional effects on my two kids, myself and my sister, which i know all too well...)?

 

[seniorjudge]

Q: How could this effect the duration of the separation and the divorce (besides the devastating emotional effects on my two kids, myself and my sister, which i know all too well...)?

A: I am not clear on what you are asking. However, get the trial in the lawsuit set as soon as possible.

 

[Farfalla]

... How could this effect the duration of the separation and the divorce (besides the devastating emotional effects on my two kids, myself and my sister, which i know all too well...)?

Getting divorce based on adultery will most likely make it take a LOT longer and make it a very nasty divorce. No one on this forum can predict how much longer.

However, is spousal support is an issue, the adultery could prevent your wife from obtaining spousal support. The burden is on you to prove adultery. I think that there would be no problem in this.

Google on “virginia divorce adultery”… there are a lot of sites that discuss the affect of adultery on Virginia divorce, issues related to proof of adultery, etc.

 

[majomom1]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? Virginia

My wife and I agreed to separate under the pretense that we would seek counseling and try to reconcile the issues with our marriage. After separating, she informed me that she wanted a divorce. I argued with her, but ultimately decided that if she wants a divorce, she can have it. I had grown suspicious that she and my sister's husband were developing a raomantic relationship and my wife has confirmed those suspicions, even going so far as to let him move into her house. How could this effect the duration of the separation and the divorce (besides the devastating emotional effects on my two kids, myself and my sister, which i know all too well...)?

How very tacky of both of them. Cheating usually makes for some heated, drawn out divorces. I hate to say this, but you and your sister are in a much better position than most...

You two can work together and form a plan that minimizes the emotional effect on the kids... and help each other. Don't let these low lifes bring you down. Pull together as a family and support each other through this.

 

[LdiJ]

How very tacky of both of them. Cheating usually makes for some heated, drawn out divorces. I hate to say this, but you and your sister are in a much better position than most...

You two can work together and form a plan that minimizes the emotional effect on the kids... and help each other. Don't let these low lifes bring you down. Pull together as a family and support each other through this.

As incredibly tacky as this is, (and my gut reaction would be to let these two burn in He!!, they have broken the most basic bounds of common decency) I would honestly urge you to avoid turning this into a hostile battle if at all possible. Divorce is always incredibly traumatic for children, and this one is going to be the mother of all traumas. The more hostile it becomes, the more its going to damage the kids.

 

[Farfalla]

As incredibly tacky as this is, (and my gut reaction would be to let these two burn in He!!, they have broken the most basic bounds of common decency) I would honestly urge you to avoid turning this into a hostile battle if at all possible. Divorce is always incredibly traumatic for children, and this one is going to be the mother of all traumas. The more hostile it becomes, the more its going to damage the kids.

This is true... children suffer through all of this the most. She is still their mother. And when she is attacked, children feel that it's an attack on half of them. In many cases the children will end up siding with the parent who did wrong as a way to protect that parent. They view that parent as the weaker person needing protection. This sort of thing rips kids apart.

 

[jamesjoyce1]

This is true... children suffer through all of this the most. She is still their mother. And when she is attacked, children feel that it's an attack on half of them. In many cases the children will end up siding with the parent who did wrong as a way to protect that parent. They view that parent as the weaker person needing protection. This sort of thing rips kids apart.

I agree. My intent was and is to keep my children as my primary focus. I do not want them to see their mother the way I currently do and would not purposefully introduce that into their lives. I have gone out of my way to make this as civil as possible because I did not and do not want it to get any uglier. I so worried that my children are going to suffer because of all of this and I do not want to contribute to it. I'm just curious as to how this will effect her claim for spousal support, which some has addressed.

 

[Farfalla]

I agree. My intent was and is to keep my children as my primary focus. I do not want them to see their mother the way I currently do and would not purposefully introduce that into their lives. I have gone out of my way to make this as civil as possible because I did not and do not want it to get any uglier. I so worried that my children are going to suffer because of all of this and I do not want to contribute to it. I'm just curious as to how this will effect her claim for spousal support, which some has addressed.

I mentioned the spousal support. I also posted a phrase for you to Google on. I found several sites that talk about this subject but did not post the links because there are many of them.

Basically they said that in VA spousal support is not allowed for the adulterous spouse. However they did list a few things such as disabilities that prevent the adulterous spouse from supporting her/him self that the court can use to award it. Do the Google search and read up on it.

Furthermore she is cohabitation. That can also cause the loss of spousal support.

It will not affect child support and most likely not affect custody. Those sites all talk about these topics.

 

[Farfalla]

Another point here... Many people start dating after the divorce is filed but before it is final. That is also considered adultery. I'm not implying that you are or intend to do this. But I think that if you want a strong case its important to not go there.

 

[majomom1]

This is true... children suffer through all of this the most. She is still their mother. And when she is attacked, children feel that it's an attack on half of them. In many cases the children will end up siding with the parent who did wrong as a way to protect that parent. They view that parent as the weaker person needing protection. This sort of thing rips kids apart.

In this case, depending on how old the kids are... that may not happen. Kids are not stupid and when it is this close to them, within the family, I think they will feel the hurt and side with Dad. This is just wrong on so many levels. At the very least they both should have given it all some time, after the divorce, before shacking up.

Dad and Sis need to take the high road here. By all means do not let them think that this does not bother either of you, or that you do not hurt. They have to learn how to deal with all this too. They also need to learn and understand what integrity is.

I don't envy OP in this situation at all. But Mom is going to come out of this one on the losing end with the kids... IMO. All by herself.

 

[majomom1]

I mentioned the spousal support. I also posted a phrase for you to Google on. I found several sites that talk about this subject but did not post the links because there are many of them.

Basically they said that in VA spousal support is not allowed for the adulterous spouse. However they did list a few things such as disabilities that prevent the adulterous spouse from supporting her/him self that the court can use to award it. Do the Google search and read up on it.

Furthermore she is cohabitation. That can also cause the loss of spousal support.

It will not affect child support and most likely not affect custody. Those sites all talk about these topics.

How long was the marriage? I would really love to be a fly on the wall in this case... I would think the Mom would be too embarrased to ask for spousal support, but these type of people seem to have no morals or decency there either.

Maybe Sis can ask for spousal support too... How long was their marriage? There may be a real good deal in the making here! Guess you will find out just how bad they want to be together!!!

 

[jamesjoyce1]

How long was the marriage? I would really love to be a fly on the wall in this case... I would think the Mom would be too embarrased to ask for spousal support, but these type of people seem to have no morals or decency there either.

Maybe Sis can ask for spousal support too... How long was their marriage? There may be a real good deal in the making here! Guess you will find out just how bad they want to be together!!!

Well, my marriage lasted almost seven years and my sister's lasted about seven years. My wife is certainly not shy about asking for spousal support. My sister, I think, isn't sure how she is going to deal with it yet. This all recently came out into the open (within the last two months). The funny thing to me is that my wife refuses to get a job, she's living in a house that I rented from my older sister, and she expects me to pay for everything. I have no problem whatsoever for supporting my children and making sure they have what they need, but I have a hard time thinking that I will have to pay spousal support. Now that I know that there is some recourse for that, I feel better. This whole thing is just a mess.

 

[majomom1]

Well, my marriage lasted almost seven years and my sister's lasted about seven years. My wife is certainly not shy about asking for spousal support. My sister, I think, isn't sure how she is going to deal with it yet. This all recently came out into the open (within the last two months). The funny thing to me is that my wife refuses to get a job, she's living in a house that I rented from my older sister, and she expects me to pay for everything. I have no problem whatsoever for supporting my children and making sure they have what they need, but I have a hard time thinking that I will have to pay spousal support. Now that I know that there is some recourse for that, I feel better. This whole thing is just a mess.

Be sure to check the time frames in your state. I believe it can be difficult to get SS for less than 10 years. Has your wife ever worked? What is her education or capability of supporting herself?

Your sister... *I* personally would not ask for it if she doesn't need to. Are there kids on her side? I only requested 2 years during my divorce, after a 20+ year marriage, with minor kids still at home. I only wanted time to get back in the work force and some more education.

SS is another item that will fuel the fire and can draw this out longer. I didn't want him to support me, but I have learned that is not the norm...

Good luck to both you and your sister! Stick around here too. You will learn a lot that can help this whole process be a little easier too.

 

[jamesjoyce1]

Be sure to check the time frames in your state. I believe it can be difficult to get SS for less than 10 years. Has your wife ever worked? What is her education or capability of supporting herself?

Your sister... *I* personally would not ask for it if she doesn't need to. Are there kids on her side? I only requested 2 years during my divorce, after a 20+ year marriage, with minor kids still at home. I only wanted time to get back in the work force and some more education.

SS is another item that will fuel the fire and can draw this out longer. I didn't want him to support me, but I have learned that is not the norm...

Good luck to both you and your sister! Stick around here too. You will learn a lot that can help this whole process be a little easier too.

My wife has worked, is capable of working, especially now that she has part of her brother-in-law's income. She is counting on the fact that she never had to work and that she needs to maintain a certain standard of living. She claims that she cannot work because day care is too expensive, which I will not argue, but I changed my schedule at my job so that, should she get a job, I could take care of my kids during the day. Now she claims that finding a job betwen the hours of midnight and 3:30 in the afternoon is impossible. I never thought her to be lazy, but I guess I'm finding out all kinds of things about her that I thought were just not possible.

My sister and her husband do not have any children. So, it is my belief that the two of them are going to settle things as is simply possible. Of course, my sister is angry, but the two of us seem to have pretty good heads on our shoulders and neither of us are doing anything to incite the situation or to drag it out any longer than it needs to be.

As for my children, I know that this is a potentially devastating event for both of them. My oldest is 3 and my youngest is 1. The problems that arise stem from the fact that my oldest son truly loves his "uncle" and loves when he is around. While I have developed a rather thick skin, it breaks my heart to think that when he is older he is going to be very disappointed in his "uncle" and his mother. I realize, though, that I have no control over that, so I do my best to ensure that he knows that his mother and I love him very much and I also will not make either of my children a "bargaining chip" in any of this.

I really just want this to be over. I do thank you and everyone else for all of the input. It's good to at least put it out there. I'm tired of just thinking about it and not talking to anyone about it.

 

[majomom1]

My wife has worked, is capable of working, especially now that she has part of her brother-in-law's income. She is counting on the fact that she never had to work and that she needs to maintain a certain standard of living. She claims that she cannot work because day care is too expensive, which I will not argue, but I changed my schedule at my job so that, should she get a job, I could take care of my kids during the day. Now she claims that finding a job betwen the hours of midnight and 3:30 in the afternoon is impossible. I never thought her to be lazy, but I guess I'm finding out all kinds of things about her that I thought were just not possible.

My sister and her husband do not have any children. So, it is my belief that the two of them are going to settle things as is simply possible. Of course, my sister is angry, but the two of us seem to have pretty good heads on our shoulders and neither of us are doing anything to incite the situation or to drag it out any longer than it needs to be.

As for my children, I know that this is a potentially devastating event for both of them. My oldest is 3 and my youngest is 1. The problems that arise stem from the fact that my oldest son truly loves his "uncle" and loves when he is around. While I have developed a rather thick skin, it breaks my heart to think that when he is older he is going to be very disappointed in his "uncle" and his mother. I realize, though, that I have no control over that, so I do my best to ensure that he knows that his mother and I love him very much and I also will not make either of my children a "bargaining chip" in any of this.

I really just want this to be over. I do thank you and everyone else for all of the input. It's good to at least put it out there. I'm tired of just thinking about it and not talking to anyone about it.

Well... I hate to tell you this, but at 3... he most likely will not be disappointed. My ex has a similar story in his background and no one even cares anymore. Let the kids love all the adults and move on. That will stand out bigger, to your kids, than any of this that is going on now. I doubt they will ever know, or understand the whole story... and they really don't need to.

I feel for you, and wish you and your sister both well. I know this is a hard time. Good luck!