wondering out loud...

[momsingle]

What is the name of your state? CALIFORNIA


Brief summary....He cheated (no proof) 2003, he filed for a divorce, lost my house under extreme emotional distress went to court to gain custody of the children, after the state sent in a social worker and he (the ex) admitted in court to illegal drug activity the court awarded a 50-50 split custody of the children; no spousal support, no child support as there is a 50-50 split. I now, three years later, reside back in the home in the spare bedroom to take care of my children; he (the ex) still engages in illegal drug activity, is not engaged in the childrens lives, except to yell at them and me, I have no money as I am highly in debt from all of this and cannot afford anything. Is there anyway I can, without disrupting the childrens lives yet again, fix this? Gain custody,my home back and have him foot the bill for this? I know there is a loop hole law in regards to gaining the physical property under malicious intent (he did it on purpose when I was highly vunerable). I feel that my children and I got the raw end of the deal and yet I cannot move as I have no money, I will not leave my children alone with him. Do I just hang out until the youngest is grown? (another 10years)
thank you.

 

[Ohiogal]

What is the name of your state? CALIFORNIA


Brief summary....He cheated (no proof) 2003, he filed for a divorce, lost my house under extreme emotional distress went to court to gain custody of the children, after the state sent in a social worker and he (the ex) admitted in court to illegal drug activity the court awarded a 50-50 split custody of the children; no spousal support, no child support as there is a 50-50 split. I now, three years later, reside back in the home in the spare bedroom to take care of my children; he (the ex) still engages in illegal drug activity, is not engaged in the childrens lives, except to yell at them and me, I have no money as I am highly in debt from all of this and cannot afford anything. Is there anyway I can, without disrupting the childrens lives yet again, fix this? Gain custody,my home back and have him foot the bill for this? I know there is a loop hole law in regards to gaining the physical property under malicious intent (he did it on purpose when I was highly vunerable). I feel that my children and I got the raw end of the deal and yet I cannot move as I have no money, I will not leave my children alone with him. Do I just hang out until the youngest is grown? (another 10years)
thank you.

How did you lose your home? How did he get the home? What is the comparison of your income? Why would you move back in with him? Where do you work? What have you done in the last three years to improve your situation. Malicious intent? Details help. What the heck are you talking about? Your children? Are they also his children?

 

[moburkes]

I want to know what makes her think that HE should "foot the bill" since she wants to live in a house that she cannot afford.

 

[nextwife]

I cannot move as I have no money, I will not leave my children alone with him. Do I just hang out until the youngest is grown? (another 10years)
thank you.

Are you working?

Is he paying housing costs? Groceries? Utilities?

If you AREn't working, that certainly explains WHY you have no money.

 

[momsingle]

good thing I have a sense of humor as the rudeness that comes through your words lacks taste and ettiquette


first I work, work a lot, I am in management and earn a nice income, my attorney took my life savings (three years of divorce court will do that) and thus the debt that is overwhelming.

yes they are his children, but it doesn't take a rocket scientist to make children, it does however take an upstanding maturity to be a dad. I was married for twenty years, was totally without a doubt devestated when I found him in my bed with another woman; I went into a deep depression and was on medication for anxiety attacks for the better part of two years.

I want my house back because I BOUGHT it, he did not, I did. I lost it when he shoved a ton of paperwork in front of me a few days before my father died and I signed them all without looking. (good to be going through a divorce and have your father terminally ill all at the same time) I am here in the house because the state of California decided that the children would be fine in a house with a drug addict and I quote from the judge " Please stop taking drugs 12 hours prior to having the children in your home". I moved back in because my children were failing school, (they went from honor students to truancy problems) and they were having problems with living out of a suitcase and not functioning well in and week out, nor did they wish to be with their father who would leave them alone most of the time; but when I brought that up in court the judge didn't see it as relevent. It took me two days to clean just the kitchen of rat droppings, mold, mildew and rotten food. It took me another three months of bleach and scrubbing to clean the rest of the house and I am presently ripping out the mile high weeds and dead brush from around the yard.

His father pays for everything, he does not, he is paid by his father under the table and therefore shows about 1/3 of what he actually makes on his taxes.


How do I answer my 11 year old when he tells me "Mom, I want our family to be just you, me and my brother" or when he comes home crying because his friend "Johnny's" dad hangs out with Johnny and does cool stuff and that his dad (my son) only comes in to yell at him. How do I answer that? How do I fix it? How do I take my children away from this without breaking a law? See if I take them away I am the bad one, I am the one breaking the law. How do I gain full legally custody from a person that just wants to fight me because it is about "him" not the children.

ps..the first thing my ex said to me when I moved back in...."Thank God you're back now I can do what I want when I want. weekends are for me not them" (Them meaning the children)

again, any helpful advice would be nice.

 

[LdiJ]

Ok...I am really confused. Did the court award him primary custody, or what? I understand how he got the house out from under you, but what is the exact status regarding the kids?

 

[moburkes]

You wanted to move back in. You signed the papers. I'm sorry that your father was ill and dying while you were going through the divorce. You should still read things that you sign.

 

[momsingle]

Ok...I am really confused. Did the court award him primary custody, or what? I understand how he got the house out from under you, but what is the exact status regarding the kids?

50/50 split, one week with me, one week with him. I am back in this house to provide as stable environment as I can, it is my duty as a parent to raise them to become successful adults and therefore I have to be here to protect them since the state of California didn't care. ( I will stay until they are grown) The most shocking thing was after the judge said not to engage in drug activity 12 hours prior to the children being with him on his week, my rebutal was "But its illegal!!" The judge didn't seem to care. She seemed to have forgotten that this divorce isn't about what the adults are feeling it is what is best for the children.

and hindsight being 20/20 if I had known the laws back then, I would have quit my job, stayed unemployed for a few more years and then filed for divorce because in the state of CA if a woman stays home with her children before the divorce she can after the divorce.

 

[momsingle]

You wanted to move back in. You signed the papers. I'm sorry that your father was ill and dying while you were going through the divorce. You should still read things that you sign.

I moved back in to protect my children and yes I should have looked at the papers, yet he shouldn't have been so evil and sneeky. This has never been about me and what I want, it is all about, and always will be what is best for my children.

 

[moburkes]

You're saying that its best for your children to be in an environment where their father uses drugs? WOW!

I don't understand the big deal about staying in the same home. I lived in 3 houses while I was growing up. The house has nothing to do with it.

I, personally, think you've got it all backwards, but that's just me.

 

[momsingle]

Better choice than going back to court, having my children live with the man unsupervised for at least six months that it will take to get it all back into court and since the state has already determined that he is a suitable parent and the court already knows that he takes illegal drugs I really have no choice considering my first 100gs went to the first three year battle and I don't have that kind of cash anymore to engage in another lengthy court battle.

All I wish is to move out of state with my boys and live somewhere where the cost of living isn't out the roof. I am looking for the answer to this without a lengthy court battle or having to drag my children into this by living in a situation where they don't know if they are coming or going. and yes it is better, for the moment, at least I can shelter them from him, when they are alone with him I cannot (when I lived across town) and I don't leave them alone with him. They are once again straight A students.

I wouldn't be asking any questions about him having to pay for all new legal fees if he was doing what he should be doing; being an upstanding person and being a dad, he is not.
There must be a way to correct this situation without further trama to my children. I cannot move out of state, or out of the county for that matter without legal permission from my ex to take the boys.

Will just continue doing what I am doing, working, being there for my kids and in a couple of years have my medical degree and then hopefully have some more cash to start over.

 

[SHORTY LONG]

I hope you well in your studies to obtain a Medical degree! However,
letting this ordeal eat you up will surely cost you in grades; and you
overall well being.

 

[momsingle]

I hope you well in your studies to obtain a Medical degree! However,
letting this ordeal eat you up will surely cost you in grades; and you
overall well being.

It actually doesn't eat me up....just was curious as to if I could somehow, without having another lengthy court battle which would then put my children straight back into living with him 50% of the time unsupervised until there is a decision, fix it. As for my studies...thanks! only have two more years to go, to finish what I started years ago..and grades?? lol. nope...nothing less than a 4.0 will do..that is where it was when I left college.

Take Care

 

[Ohiogal]

It actually doesn't eat me up....just was curious as to if I could somehow, without having another lengthy court battle which would then put my children straight back into living with him 50% of the time unsupervised until there is a decision, fix it. As for my studies...thanks! only have two more years to go, to finish what I started years ago..and grades?? lol. nope...nothing less than a 4.0 will do..that is where it was when I left college.

Take Care

Get his permission and put in an agreed entry to the court that the judge then signs -- the agreed entry will give you custody and allow you to move. If he agrees no problem.