Another domestic violence case

[Proserpina]

I'm fine with criticism, but don't expect me to take seriously the advises about that I'm a victim and I have to understand that and put my wife to jail to teach her a lesson.

Unfortunately many people who refuse to testify or beg for charges to be dropped don't get a second chance. They too-often don't get a second chance to do anything.

Apparently next time she tells me I'm a fool I need to call police again and charge her with violation of protection order?

If she's violating a protection order, yes - you need to call the police.

I was a victim when three men in the street kicked me so hard I lost consciousness and friends took me to ER to stitch my head, and I wouldn't argue with that, but when my 120lb wife unintentionally leaves a 1inch scratch on my face I don't feel like a victim, I feel like it's not worth the hassle at all, if state/forum knows better so be it, I'll stand up and fight.

That might not be your decision, actually.

I've researched this for a while and found thousands of people who swear not to call police anymore because of the trouble caused due to minor injuries.

Too many of those people end up dead.

I talked to police like 5 to 10 times in my life and I always thought police was my friend and is supposed to help me, but now I understand that police is the here to tell me they don't care about my personal feelings because state knows better what's going on.

All too often the state DOES know better. This is also why we punish parents who beat their children with belts hard enough to leave open wounds and bruises. The fact is, the state often does know better. Not always, by any means - and nobody is saying that.

I'm not some kind of low life who gets drunk, smokes crack and beats the hell out of his wife, I'm a young professional with a good job who had a few arguments with his wife which went a little out of control, but please don't tell me that next time my wife will murder me because you know better and you've seen the reports online.

You think young professional men with good jobs can't be victims of abuse?

Do you think that spousal abuse starts out with injuries needing hospitalization? Nope. The classic pattern is that it starts out slowly, and insidiously. Almost seems like a non-issue, right?

I love how the topic involves a lot of judgement and morals, not only legal advises. If you think that America is on the right track then I have bad news.

Here we go ...

Please have a look at Spotlight movie, or Concussion one, which are based on true stories, read the news about massacres which happen all the time, read about two people were shot in the car a few weeks ago near New Haven, or about heroine issues here. While I was talking to police officers in the police department sergeant received a few calls from patrolling cars about the actual crimes like stabbing, selling cocaine etc and instead of taking care of those crimes they spent an hour writing summons for my wife. Government is budgeted by our taxes so if you think they are spending them correctly it's your choice.

Spousal abuse isn't as important? Oh. Okay then.

If I saw a man scratched by a woman I would tell him to take care of his wife and let them both go.

And when he "takes care of her " at home with a baseball bat, what would you say to his wife?

P.S. And you know what's funny? It's me who's going to spend money for attorney, not my wife, because my wife's salary is barely enough to cover her needs. Ridiculous, isn't it? I'm paying rent, paying bills, paying everything, and now I have to pay for attorney because otherwise my wife ends up with a criminal record/in jail.

Many DV victims do the same thing, including bailing out the abuser.

Tell you what. Go down and volunteer at a DV shelter for a few months. Then come back and tell us about your experience. Be an advocate, not an enabler.

 

[CdwJava]

And this is exactly what all too many abuse victims say...

I'll be attending a jury trial later this month ... their relationship started 5 beatings ago when he slapped her. It has escalated each time until he knocked her teeth out slamming her face on the pavement, knocking her 6 year old son's teeth out, and breaking the window to her 10 year old daughter's room to dissuade her from calling for help (it didn't). But, alas, while he was on the run for multiple felonies ($460,000 in warrants) and a violation of his previous probations for felony DV, she managed to conceive a child with him. She now has a baby and a 3 year old with Mr. Wonderful.

You know what she said the first three times he beat the crap out of her? "He didn't mean it ... he's not like that. We've learned from it." (Or words to that effect.)

 

[rawdata]

Tell you what. Go down and volunteer at a DV shelter for a few months. Then come back and tell us about your experience. Be an advocate, not an enabler.

The problem is the world is not like zebra. It's not black and white, there are many more things in between the 0 and 1. You have to understand that in my particular case state made me the victim, not my wife and now I need to prove state that I'm not a victim. You can keep on going reading me morals and telling me that it's only the beginning and my wife scratched me today and will stab me tomorrow but we've been together for 10 years already and even if things escalate I'll be long dead before it escalates to the point when my wife actually decides to kill 200pound man with bare hands. Now I understand better why half of my colleagues live in a detached house in the woods 10 miles away from nearest neighbor I have no other choice but to follow their example as apparently society thinks that it knows better what I need and who I am, luckily I've just finished reading Mass Psychology by Z. Freud which states that no mass can exist without a leader, in this case leader is state and what you are trying to project on me is not your thoughts but the thoughts of state grafted to you. I really appreciate sharing that knowledge with me but I already know what state thinks about my case so please save your time and stop talking about DV shelters full of dismembered spouses, this is not my case, and I'm not the person who's going to extend your budget by another 50 000 000$ because DV shelters are full of rotten bodies and you need more officers as you can't handle the overwhelming number of domestic violence cases.

 

[rawdata]

This is the most judgemental society I've ever seen, I've visited around 20 countries all over the planet and spent a while there but I've never seen so many morals than on this forum. I would appreciate if you keep your judgements/morals to yourself as I'm not interested in those, I'm well educated young man who's managing a team of well educated professionals and with interest in psychology so please let's stop that, I'm here because of lack of legal knowledge, not lack of morality, if you wanted to change my personality you would have to call yourself ma and pa.

Currently my questions are:

1. Is this okay to pay attorney an hourly rate? As said before, we spent around 8 hours in the court on arraignment date so would I have to pay 200-400$/hour*8 = 800-1600 only for arraignment date if I hired an attorney on hourly rate? I saw some attorneys appear on a bench 5 minutes before the case is called so maybe they knew in advance when their case was supposed to be reviewed? How does it work? I saw my case on the docket but it only said the number in the arraignment list and the date + 10am, but it wasn't even close to the actual time we were called. I feel like hourly rate leaves a lot of space for maneuver for attorney so I don't want to get broke, but I also understand that attorney may not foresee all the circumstances to be able to calculate exact flat fee.

 

[Just Blue]

The problem is the world is not like zebra. It's not black and white, there are many more things in between the 0 and 1. You have to understand that in my particular case state made me the victim, not my wife and now I need to prove state that I'm not a victim. You can keep on going reading me morals and telling me that it's only the beginning and my wife scratched me today and will stab me tomorrow but we've been together for 10 years already and even if things escalate I'll be long dead before it escalates to the point when my wife actually decides to kill 200pound man with bare hands. Now I understand better why half of my colleagues live in a detached house in the woods 10 miles away from nearest neighbor I have no other choice but to follow their example as apparently society thinks that it knows better what I need and who I am, luckily I've just finished reading Mass Psychology by Z. Freud which states that no mass can exist without a leader, in this case leader is state and what you are trying to project on me is not your thoughts but the thoughts of state grafted to you. I really appreciate sharing that knowledge with me but I already know what state thinks about my case so please save your time and stop talking about DV shelters full of dismembered spouses, this is not my case, and I'm not the person who's going to extend your budget by another 50 000 000$ because DV shelters are full of rotten bodies and you need more officers as you can't handle the overwhelming number of domestic violence cases.

Please feel free to take your future mightnotbealaiveself. to an attorney. I wish you well and with a better understanding. I know there is a process to this understanding and no one here will likely be able to gift that to you.


I will just pray you will educate yourself.

Blue

 

[Proserpina]

The problem is the world is not like zebra. It's not black and white, there are many more things in between the 0 and 1. You have to understand that in my particular case state made me the victim, not my wife and now I need to prove state that I'm not a victim. You can keep on going reading me morals and telling me that it's only the beginning and my wife scratched me today and will stab me tomorrow but we've been together for 10 years already and even if things escalate I'll be long dead before it escalates to the point when my wife actually decides to kill 200pound man with bare hands. Now I understand better why half of my colleagues live in a detached house in the woods 10 miles away from nearest neighbor I have no other choice but to follow their example as apparently society thinks that it knows better what I need and who I am, luckily I've just finished reading Mass Psychology by Z. Freud which states that no mass can exist without a leader, in this case leader is state and what you are trying to project on me is not your thoughts but the thoughts of state grafted to you. I really appreciate sharing that knowledge with me but I already know what state thinks about my case so please save your time and stop talking about DV shelters full of dismembered spouses, this is not my case, and I'm not the person who's going to extend your budget by another 50 000 000$ because DV shelters are full of rotten bodies and you need more officers as you can't handle the overwhelming number of domestic violence cases.

Please don't ever have children.

This is one of the most chilling things I've ever read in 20 years of being online.

 

[Just Blue]

This is the most judgemental society I've ever seen, I've visited around 20 countries all over the planet and spent a while there but I've never seen so many morals than on this forum. I would appreciate if you keep your judgements/morals to yourself as I'm not interested in those, I'm well educated young man who's managing a team of well educated professionals and with interest in psychology so please let's stop that, I'm here because of lack of legal knowledge, not lack of morality, if you wanted to change my personality you would have to call yourself ma and pa.

Currently my questions are:

1. Is this okay to pay attorney an hourly rate? As said before, we spent around 8 hours in the court on arraignment date so would I have to pay 200-400$/hour*8 = 800-1600 only for arraignment date if I hired an attorney on hourly rate? I saw some attorneys appear on a bench 5 minutes before the case is called so maybe they knew in advance when their case was supposed to be reviewed? How does it work? I saw my case on the docket but it only said the number in the arraignment list and the date + 10am, but it wasn't even close to the actual time we were called. I feel like hourly rate leaves a lot of space for maneuver for attorney so I don't want to get broke, but I also understand that attorney may not foresee all the circumstances to be able to calculate exact flat fee.

Wow. You are upset with the morals here? REALLY? Perhaps you should take yourself back to a place with none.

 

[CdwJava]

Gads ... I know I have heard these same claims before ... hmmm ...

While it may well be true that this will turn out to be an isolated instance of violence, statistically this will occur again unless there is some form of intervention to CHANGE the dynamic between the two of you. You don't have to believe it, but there it is. It's not moral, it's the truth of DV.

Good luck.

 

[Just Blue]

Gads ... I know I have heard these same claims before ... hmmm ...

While it may well be true that this will turn out to be an isolated instance of violence, statistically this will occur again unless there is some form of intervention to CHANGE the dynamic between the two of you. You don't have to believe it, but there it is. It's not moral, it's the truth of DV.

Good luck.

Curiously OP finds it disturbing for LEO and even total strangers to be concerned. "Morals" are offensive. This sounds a bit like another poster that was here earlier.

 

[qwaspolk69]

As far as I understand in order to testify/not testify I'll have to go to trial? Also, it doesn't seem like anybody is concerned with my point of view at the moment, I was only able to talk to the victim's advocate and that's it, it seems to me that state doesn't care if I exist at all, they just need somebody to convince.

I told you on the other forum about my experience. As the victim they only come to you as a witness. That is it. That is all you will talk to is the victim witness. Possibly the prosecutor when it gets close to the preliminary hearing.

You can ignore people's comments to you all you want but whether you want to admit it you ARE a victim of domestic violence. It does not matter if all you got is a scratch. It escalated to that level from arguing and loud enough that neighbors called the police. You are not in control. The state is in control of this case. They decide whether or not to dismiss the case. Not you. If you refuse to cooperate as a witness, that may complicate the case and they may drop it. They do not have to though.

You and your wife clearly have issues. You think because you are bigger than her she cannot abuse you further? Okay then.

Even if you hire her an attorney, that attorney does NOT have to tell you anything. There is a thing called attorney client privilege. I believe your wife would have to put in writing that she would want your attorney to talk to you.

 

[qwaspolk69]

Ok. So if she's eligible can she just go to court any day and apply for the public attorney or she has to wait for the next hearing date and apply then? Also, if she's assigned public attorney will public attorney talk to me? I don't want to end up with having an attorney which will not talk to me. I'm pretty sure that private attorney will talk to me/my wife, but I'm not so confident about public one.



This is surprising but it's the way it's.



1. So she can apply for FVEP before FVEP is suggested by the court? They told us that social services will arrange an interview with us, will they suggest the same program? It seems that we need court approval for the application, so if we apply before next hearing date which is awaiting plea will we have to plea not-guilty anyways and request to approve the application or it will be done during the hearing which comes afterwards?



Thanks for the links, however, the first one leads to 404 error. Can you please share the correct link?

Thank you.



Ok. Seems like state thinks that it knows better what happened. So I have to fight to even have the right of word. Well...US justice is considered to be fair, I guess we know have a chance to see if it's true.



What's the role of victim's advocate in this case? Do you refer him/her to legal processing or just to dealing with what happens in terms of communication between me/my wife? I already talked to victim's advocate located in the court house and she seems to be nice lady but it doesn't look like she has any impact on the case at all.

Thank you for all your answers, I'm glad that I finally started getting advises not only morals.

The victim witness person or victim advocate is PURELY there for you, the victim. No they have no bearing on the case. They are simply there to advocate for YOU the victim.

I was a victim advocate and a Sexual Assault Response Coordinator in the Army. Our sole job was to be there for the victim. To get them to the right resources. To assist them in getting to doctor's appointments and so on. Sometimes a victim advocate can be called to court but I am not sure if it happens very often. Civilian ones are different than military too.

When I dealt with victim witness, she solely was there to make sure I was okay. I had what I needed. That is all they do. Support the victim - hence the term victim advocate.

 

[Silverplum]

This is the most judgemental society I've ever seen, I've visited around 20 countries all over the planet and spent a while there but I've never seen so many morals than on this forum. I would appreciate if you keep your judgements/morals to yourself as I'm not interested in those, I'm well educated young man who's managing a team of well educated professionals and with interest in psychology so please let's stop that, I'm here because of lack of legal knowledge, not lack of morality, if you wanted to change my personality you would have to call yourself ma and pa.

Currently my questions are:

1. Is this okay to pay attorney an hourly rate? As said before, we spent around 8 hours in the court on arraignment date so would I have to pay 200-400$/hour*8 = 800-1600 only for arraignment date if I hired an attorney on hourly rate? I saw some attorneys appear on a bench 5 minutes before the case is called so maybe they knew in advance when their case was supposed to be reviewed? How does it work? I saw my case on the docket but it only said the number in the arraignment list and the date + 10am, but it wasn't even close to the actual time we were called. I feel like hourly rate leaves a lot of space for maneuver for attorney so I don't want to get broke, but I also understand that attorney may not foresee all the circumstances to be able to calculate exact flat fee.

Ask your attorney/s. You don't get to have your cake and throw it, too.

 

[qwaspolk69]

I'm not trying to shout that it's not abuse, I'd love the things not to escalate that much anymore, but we've learnt the lesson and I highly doubt this is going to happen again. Now I just need to get my wife out of trouble.

I thought my ex had learned his lesson - yet he beat me up three times. Each time was due to meth use and that is why I stayed. "Oh it wasn't him it was the meth." Maybe this was a one time thing with you and your wife but I doubt it. You two have a problem with communication and this is going to blow up again. Maybe not soon but someday - and it could be a lot worse.

You can testify or you can refuse to cooperate. That is up to you. The first time my ex hit me I stopped cooperating and it was he said/she said anyway. They dropped it after that but they could have kept it going if they truly wanted to do so.

Again none of this is in your control. You have no control now. You lost control when you and your wife's argument got so loud the neighbors could hear it.

 

[Just Blue]

Ask your attorney/s. You don't get to have your cake and throw it, too.

Sorry to the Bard...But a troll by any other name is still a troll.

 

[qwaspolk69]

I'm fine with criticism, but don't expect me to take seriously the advises about that I'm a victim and I have to understand that and put my wife to jail to teach her a lesson. Apparently next time she tells me I'm a fool I need to call police again and charge her with violation of protection order? I was a victim when three men in the street kicked me so hard I lost consciousness and friends took me to ER to stitch my head, and I wouldn't argue with that, but when my 120lb wife unintentionally leaves a 1inch scratch on my face I don't feel like a victim, I feel like it's not worth the hassle at all, if state/forum knows better so be it, I'll stand up and fight. I've researched this for a while and found thousands of people who swear not to call police anymore because of the trouble caused due to minor injuries. I talked to police like 5 to 10 times in my life and I always thought police was my friend and is supposed to help me, but now I understand that police is the here to tell me they don't care about my personal feelings because state knows better what's going on. I'm not some kind of low life who gets drunk, smokes crack and beats the hell out of his wife, I'm a young professional with a good job who had a few arguments with his wife which went a little out of control, but please don't tell me that next time my wife will murder me because you know better and you've seen the reports online. I love how the topic involves a lot of judgement and morals, not only legal advises. If you think that America is on the right track then I have bad news. Please have a look at Spotlight movie, or Concussion one, which are based on true stories, read the news about massacres which happen all the time, read about two people were shot in the car a few weeks ago near New Haven, or about heroine issues here. While I was talking to police officers in the police department sergeant received a few calls from patrolling cars about the actual crimes like stabbing, selling cocaine etc and instead of taking care of those crimes they spent an hour writing summons for my wife. Government is budgeted by our taxes so if you think they are spending them correctly it's your choice. If I saw a man scratched by a woman I would tell him to take care of his wife and let them both go.

P.S. And you know what's funny? It's me who's going to spend money for attorney, not my wife, because my wife's salary is barely enough to cover her needs. Ridiculous, isn't it? I'm paying rent, paying bills, paying everything, and now I have to pay for attorney because otherwise my wife ends up with a criminal record/in jail.

No one said any of that. At all. This is a legal forum - so you will get different responses. What the hell do those movies have to do with what you are asking about? You need help.

Oh and if you get subpoenaed to go to court and testify then you will have to show up. I got subpoenaed for the prelim hearing for my then husband - and it got cancelled because he waived his right and then plead guilty. But if you do not show up after getting subpoenaed then you are in trouble. Right now, you do not have to talk to the cops. You do not have to talk to anyone right now.