bf in jail for DV what do i do now?

[confusedinohio]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? OHIO
my bf was arrested 2 nights ago for giving me a black eye. i should give background info...we have been together for 4 yrs, we live together, he is an alcoholic and has been violent with me many times before- however only when drunk, he does have a felony but has never been arrested for DV before, and i have one child from a previous relationship. i have had no help from the police when i called on him in the past...was even laughed at and called a b****, which deterred me from ever reporting him again. anyway on this night, i had consumed alcohol myself(very rare for me and wish i hadnt) and i became very emotionally distraught after finding he had cheated. (by the way ive been in the process of planning to move out before this since the relationship is unhealthy) i was crying and made a statement to the effect of "i dont know what im doing here" which was overheard by a neighbor and the police were called because they interpreted it as someone who was lost. now, AFTER the call was made, my bf hit me in the eye and i fell, and the police arrived within seconds as they had already been on the way. bf told me "just tell them you fell." scared, i ran inside but they followed and noticed my eye. they informed me because of that, and my ripped shirt and bruised arm, they would be arresting him based on physical evidence and i might as well tell them what happened. in my intoxicated state (which they clearly didnt notice or care) and also very emotional from years of feeling helpless until now, i broke down and detailed the incident, signed the written statement, and pictures were taken. heres my problem. the following morning i couldnt clearly recall the exact moment i was hit. just him saying dont tell. after speaking to him on the phone, ive started feeling bad. i dont want to press charges because i dont think jail time would be helpful and i think he needs treatment. he says he doesnt remember, is sorry and wants help. also, he has two bench warrants, one for FTA in court on an open container charge, and the other in another city for failing to pay fines on time. im sure they discovered this when booking him in jail. so i have a 2 part question: first, does anyone have any idea how long he may be in jail considering the warrants and the first offense dv charge here in ohio? secondly, what can i do to avoid pressing charges against him? can i simply refuse? recant my statement? plead the fifth if they attempt to force me to testify? maybe i sound "battered woman-syndrome-ish" and maybe thats true. i do love him and i plan to get counseling and attempt to move out and move on, but i dont want to press charges. im unsure if talking to him on the phone prompted me to feel this way, or if i mainly feel guilty because i was drinking and feel responsible for the police being called in the first place, but if anybody can give me advice and answer my 2 questions i would greatly appreciate any insight. thank you...

 

[justalayman]

It's not your choice of whether to press charges or not. The state presses charges just like in most crimes. You are a victim and witness at this point. I would suggest you not bring up the part about "don't tell" as that would be another crime of intimidating a witness.

He will be in jail until bail is set and paid. If there is an outstanding warrrant he will be detained until there is bail established and paid for that crime as well.

While I believe the DV laws are prosecuted excessively, I do not believe prosecuting a person for outright punching a partner is being overly agressive. You did nothing that deserved being punched so you should not feel guilty about him being prosecuted for the crime.

 

[Ohiogal]

You need to leave him. You are making excuses. Please contact the nearest battered women's shelter near you.
As he was arrested for DV, it is common practice to immediately place a TPO protecting you. Him phoning you is a violation.
If he has a warrants, a holder is placed upon him until he clears up the warrants -- and since one is for FTA, he may very well be in jail until that case for which he FTA'd is completed.

If your child was there last night, CPS/CSB could have been called and they could have opened a case based upon child endangerment. In some counties, that could have warranted removal of the child on an emergency basis. Furthermore, if that had happened, you may have found your child in foster care with limited contact with you. Get help. Remove your child from this dangerous situation.

 

[Just Blue]

You need to leave him. You are making excuses. Please contact the nearest battered women's shelter near you.
As he was arrested for DV, it is common practice to immediately place a TPO protecting you. Him phoning you is a violation.
If he has a warrants, a holder is placed upon him until he clears up the warrants -- and since one is for FTA, he may very well be in jail until that case for which he FTA'd is completed.

If your child was there last night, CPS/CSB could have been called and they could have opened a case based upon child endangerment. In some counties, that could have warranted removal of the child on an emergency basis. Furthermore, if that had happened, you may have found your child in foster care with limited contact with you. Get help. Remove your child from this dangerous situation.

To add to this I really hope the father of your child gets custody (full) until you seek help for your issues. It is not "normal" to think being a punching bag for a drunk is okay. Your child is learning from your example. Remember that when you "move on" to the next loser. Perhaps the next guy will think your child is his punching bag...

 

[stealth2]

If you won't do it for yourself, get out for the good of your child. Boy or girl, all you are teaching them at this point is that women are for hitting and forgiving. Great message. /sarcasm.

 

[confusedinohio]

well i appreciate the feedback from those who replied thus far. however i would like to clarify: im very well aware that his behavior isnt acceptable in any way and as stated i already do have plans to move, and supportive family willing to help me with this, which is why i havent contacted our local womens shelter. also, im aware that cps could get involved (and possibly might still) and my job is to keep my child safe by any means necessary. i have been raising her literally alone since i was 16 years old (the father has zero rights and currently is not seeing her because he has posed a safety risk to her btw) and i do not want to make excuses for any unaccceptable or dangerous situation that is my responsibility to protect her from, so i acknowledge this. however, after removing her and myself from this situation, my desire is not to press charges still. i hold firmly to the belief that treatment is more beneficial than jail time to many who are affected by issues such as alcoholism/addiction. i feel it would be more conducive not only to him, who is still responsible for his behavior of course, but also in preventing this from happening to someone else. what id really like to know is if i do not cooperate with pressing charges if i can be held accountable to a point such as being forced to testify. i also realize the state can pick this up without my cooperation, but i guess what id like to know is if i can plead the fifth in that case. apparently i am second guessing myself based on the fact that i was drinking and dont think it seems fair for me to base all recollection of this night on a memory that occurred while in an intoxicated state. maybe i am making excuses. maybe speaking to him has reinforced my self doubt. i dont know. but i find myself wondering if my falling could have also contributed to my injury. he claims i fell before this. what if this is true. it seems unfair if im not 100% sure. also i spoke with the police this morning to find out he is also facing an obstruction charge for not cooperating with his arrest. i was informed he may be released today without my cooperation or he may be charged and set bail, depending on prosecution who sometimes drops the case without victim cooperation and other times does not. i am very confused about what to expect. again any further feedback would be appreciated.

 

[CdwJava]

Treatment often comes as a result of a consequence or the threat of a consequence, such as jail time. No consequence very often means, no reason to change for an addict or alcoholic. So, while your hope for treatment is admirable, it may well be misplaced and demonstrates a misunderstanding of the nature of addiction. If he has not already sought voluntary treatment on his own accord, then it is unlikely that he will do so now absent the possibility of repercussions.

If you truly intend to move forward and separate yourself and your child from your abuser, that's great. But I noted something you wrote that concerned me. You wrote that your child's father "posed a safety risk to her" ... this indicates that you may have some issues of your own that you could use some help with. You had a child at 16 with a man who poses a safety risk to you and the child and then hook up with an abusive addict/alcoholic ... we call this "a pattern." I would strongly recommend you seek some counseling so that you do not move onto yet another relationship that poses a risk to both you and your child.

As for your current abuser, keep in mind that he will come to you on bended knee apologizing and offering gifts as he whispers sweet nothings in your ear. There will be a honeymoon phase which will later be followed by more violence. Next time, you may be too embarrassed to seek help, or he may have you convinced that no one will believe you because you did not follow through THIS time. Sadly, I have seen this happen too many times before.

I strongly encourage you to seek counseling and to stay strong.

 

[Just Blue]

well i appreciate the feedback from those who replied thus far. however i would like to clarify: im very well aware that his behavior isnt acceptable in any way and as stated i already do have plans to move, and supportive family willing to help me with this, which is why i havent contacted our local womens shelter. also, im aware that cps could get involved (and possibly might still) and my job is to keep my child safe by any means necessary. i have been raising her literally alone since i was 16 years old (the father has zero rights and currently is not seeing her because he has posed a safety risk to her btw) and i do not want to make excuses for any unaccceptable or dangerous situation that is my responsibility to protect her from, so i acknowledge this. however, after removing her and myself from this situation, my desire is not to press charges still. i hold firmly to the belief that treatment is more beneficial than jail time to many who are affected by issues such as alcoholism/addiction. i feel it would be more conducive not only to him, who is still responsible for his behavior of course, but also in preventing this from happening to someone else. what id really like to know is if i do not cooperate with pressing charges if i can be held accountable to a point such as being forced to testify. i also realize the state can pick this up without my cooperation, but i guess what id like to know is if i can plead the fifth in that case. apparently i am second guessing myself based on the fact that i was drinking and dont think it seems fair for me to base all recollection of this night on a memory that occurred while in an intoxicated state. maybe i am making excuses. maybe speaking to him has reinforced my self doubt. i dont know. but i find myself wondering if my falling could have also contributed to my injury. he claims i fell before this. what if this is true. it seems unfair if im not 100% sure. also i spoke with the police this morning to find out he is also facing an obstruction charge for not cooperating with his arrest. i was informed he may be released today without my cooperation or he may be charged and set bail, depending on prosecution who sometimes drops the case without victim cooperation and other times does not. i am very confused about what to expect. again any further feedback would be appreciated.

Why would you think the "fifth" would help you protect your abuser? Do you know what that is? How old are you?

 

[Just Blue]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? OHIO
my bf was arrested 2 nights ago for giving me a black eye. i should give background info...we have been together for 4 yrs, we live together, he is an alcoholic and has been violent with me many times before- however only when drunk, he does have a felony but has never been arrested for DV before, and i have one child from a previous relationship. i have had no help from the police when i called on him in the past...was even laughed at and called a b****, which deterred me from ever reporting him again. anyway on this night, i had consumed alcohol myself(very rare for me and wish i hadnt) and i became very emotionally distraught after finding he had cheated. (by the way ive been in the process of planning to move out before this since the relationship is unhealthy) i was crying and made a statement to the effect of "i dont know what im doing here" which was overheard by a neighbor and the police were called because they interpreted it as someone who was lost. now, AFTER the call was made, my bf hit me in the eye and i fell, and the police arrived within seconds as they had already been on the way. bf told me "just tell them you fell." scared, i ran inside but they followed and noticed my eye. they informed me because of that, and my ripped shirt and bruised arm, they would be arresting him based on physical evidence and i might as well tell them what happened. in my intoxicated state (which they clearly didnt notice or care) and also very emotional from years of feeling helpless until now, i broke down and detailed the incident, signed the written statement, and pictures were taken. heres my problem. the following morning i couldnt clearly recall the exact moment i was hit. just him saying dont tell. after speaking to him on the phone, ive started feeling bad. i dont want to press charges because i dont think jail time would be helpful and i think he needs treatment. he says he doesnt remember, is sorry and wants help. also, he has two bench warrants, one for FTA in court on an open container charge, and the other in another city for failing to pay fines on time. im sure they discovered this when booking him in jail. so i have a 2 part question: first, does anyone have any idea how long he may be in jail considering the warrants and the first offense dv charge here in ohio? secondly, what can i do to avoid pressing charges against him? can i simply refuse? recant my statement? plead the fifth if they attempt to force me to testify? maybe i sound "battered woman-syndrome-ish" and maybe thats true. i do love him and i plan to get counseling and attempt to move out and move on, but i dont want to press charges. im unsure if talking to him on the phone prompted me to feel this way, or if i mainly feel guilty because i was drinking and feel responsible for the police being called in the first place, but if anybody can give me advice and answer my 2 questions i would greatly appreciate any insight. thank you...

Just a "bump" in OP first post as she seems to not recall what she wrote.

 

[Ohiogal]

well i appreciate the feedback from those who replied thus far. however i would like to clarify: im very well aware that his behavior isnt acceptable in any way and as stated i already do have plans to move, and supportive family willing to help me with this, which is why i havent contacted our local womens shelter. also, im aware that cps could get involved (and possibly might still) and my job is to keep my child safe by any means necessary. i have been raising her literally alone since i was 16 years old (the father has zero rights and currently is not seeing her because he has posed a safety risk to her btw) and i do not want to make excuses for any unaccceptable or dangerous situation that is my responsibility to protect her from, so i acknowledge this. however, after removing her and myself from this situation, my desire is not to press charges still. i hold firmly to the belief that treatment is more beneficial than jail time to many who are affected by issues such as alcoholism/addiction. i feel it would be more conducive not only to him, who is still responsible for his behavior of course, but also in preventing this from happening to someone else. what id really like to know is if i do not cooperate with pressing charges if i can be held accountable to a point such as being forced to testify. i also realize the state can pick this up without my cooperation, but i guess what id like to know is if i can plead the fifth in that case. apparently i am second guessing myself based on the fact that i was drinking and dont think it seems fair for me to base all recollection of this night on a memory that occurred while in an intoxicated state. maybe i am making excuses. maybe speaking to him has reinforced my self doubt. i dont know. but i find myself wondering if my falling could have also contributed to my injury. he claims i fell before this. what if this is true. it seems unfair if im not 100% sure. also i spoke with the police this morning to find out he is also facing an obstruction charge for not cooperating with his arrest. i was informed he may be released today without my cooperation or he may be charged and set bail, depending on prosecution who sometimes drops the case without victim cooperation and other times does not. i am very confused about what to expect. again any further feedback would be appreciated.

You cannot plead the fifth as you are not facing criminal charges. You will be subpoenaed and you will be forced to testify. Nor is there any privilege that you can exert to prevent your testimony. You signed a statement and you will be expected to testify regarding said statement.

You are making excuses. He should not have been talking to you. Most likely he will face further charges for talking to you after he was arrested. Quite frankly, you need counseling. You are the classic "victim" in these types of cases.

 

[stealth2]

well i appreciate the feedback from those who replied thus far. however i would like to clarify: im very well aware that his behavior isnt acceptable in any way and as stated i already do have plans to move, and supportive family willing to help me with this, which is why i havent contacted our local womens shelter. also, im aware that cps could get involved (and possibly might still) and my job is to keep my child safe by any means necessary. i have been raising her literally alone since i was 16 years old (the father has zero rights and currently is not seeing her because he has posed a safety risk to her btw) and i do not want to make excuses for any unaccceptable or dangerous situation that is my responsibility to protect her from, so i acknowledge this. however, after removing her and myself from this situation, my desire is not to press charges still. i hold firmly to the belief that treatment is more beneficial than jail time to many who are affected by issues such as alcoholism/addiction. i feel it would be more conducive not only to him, who is still responsible for his behavior of course, but also in preventing this from happening to someone else. what id really like to know is if i do not cooperate with pressing charges if i can be held accountable to a point such as being forced to testify. i also realize the state can pick this up without my cooperation, but i guess what id like to know is if i can plead the fifth in that case. apparently i am second guessing myself based on the fact that i was drinking and dont think it seems fair for me to base all recollection of this night on a memory that occurred while in an intoxicated state. maybe i am making excuses. maybe speaking to him has reinforced my self doubt. i dont know. but i find myself wondering if my falling could have also contributed to my injury. he claims i fell before this. what if this is true. it seems unfair if im not 100% sure. also i spoke with the police this morning to find out he is also facing an obstruction charge for not cooperating with his arrest. i was informed he may be released today without my cooperation or he may be charged and set bail, depending on prosecution who sometimes drops the case without victim cooperation and other times does not. i am very confused about what to expect. again any further feedback would be appreciated.

Words really kind of fail me. Frankly speaking, unless you are willing/able to leave him immediately, you should send your daughter to the family who is willing and able to help. As CDW posted, all to often the abuser will say anything/everything to bring you back - and you will go. Do not subject your daughter to this.

And yes, "help" and treatment most often only come once real consequences are experienced. Why should he change if he doesn't have to?

Your daughter deserves better than this.