Can I just leave?

[FedUp042010]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? Virginia

My husband and I have almost been married 6 years. We have a 2 year old daughter together. My husband is emotionally and mentally abusive to me, for the most part, but has occasionally yelled at my daughter from time to time ever since she was born.

My husband thinks the world owes him something and that he'll never be able to get ahead in his life and has worked numerous jobs since I've known him. He is easily agitated and becomes angry to the point that you cannot reason with him. He doesn't like that I am close with my family and has never made an attempt to get to know them, not that they would really welcome that with his attitude.

He is extremely childish and has embarrassed me on too many occasions to count. If we're shopping and he wants to get something and I tell him that we can't afford it at the moment he will flip out and throw a temper tantrum like a child. I used to give in and as soon as I would he would instantly become happy again and act like nothing ever happened. I quickly learned how he was manipulating me and started saying no. I confronted him on several occasions about his childlike behavior and he would stomp off no matter where we were.

He absolutely cannot manage money and has kept us in debt for the whole 6 years of marriage. If I could get back all the overdraft fees we've incurred since we've been married I'd be a rich woman. I wouldn't be surprised if it was in excess of $100,000 worth of overdraft fees. We've barely ever been able to stay out of delinquency and are constantly shuffling money around to pay the bills yet he still spends. I've had to sell my engagement ring to pay the rent. We owe our landlord over $3000 because he refuses to get a second job and I won't do it again. I've worked several jobs as second jobs throughout our marriage and have given up hope at this point. I've had to borrow more money from my dad than I care to admit. I absolutely hate asking anyone for help but have had no choice.

While I was pregnant he got a job with a friend's mom at a turkey plant. My friends mom was his supervisor and was trying to tell him what he had done wrong one day so that he could correct his mistakes and be more productive. Apparently he then picked up a frozen turkey and threw it across the plant because he cannot take any sort of authority that may be "harassing" him. It was extremely embarrassing to me to have that happen. My friend's mom even went so far as to say she was scared of him and his attitude. I had no clue about this situation until today when I finally found the courage to tell my family that I was ready to leave him. My dad had talked to my friend a long time ago and found out about this but he kept it from me because I wasn't ready to hear it yet.

He has always done this at home. Gets mad, throws things, breaks things, punches walls, and screams and yells. I never thought he'd do it at work in front of his coworkers. This knowledge has shaken me to my core. I am truly afraid of him now.

We tried counseling and went one time. When the therapist confronted his mental and emotional abuse he got mad and defensive and said he didn't appreciate "being attacked." We left and we never went back.

We've talked about divorce off and on ever since my daughter was born because he became possessive and emotionally abusive. Every time I bring it up he threatens suicide and says things like, "I'm not worth the air I breathe if I can't have you and our daughter."

I don't think he would hurt me but I've never left him before. My dad wants me to leave when my husband goes away next month to a baseball game 5 hours away and he will spend the weekend with a friend. I had planned to go to my dad's house but he isn't comfortable with that. He wants me to go far away and let things cool off because he and I both think that he will react badly and possibly try to hurt me or my family.

He had been diagnosed as bipolar about 4 years ago and has been on Prozac ever since, when he remembers to take the meds. I think it's truly something more than that though. I have been doing a lot of research and even though I am not a medical professional I think he has a Conduct Disorder much like Covetous Antisocial Disorder. He has no friends and any friends I have don't want to hang out with me when he's around and honestly that's okay with me because of how badly he embarrasses me by his belittling comments and childish behavior if things don't go his way.

My question is: Can I leave with our daughter without telling him where we are going? I plan to stay in the state we reside in but plan to go somewhere he can't find. He's not from Virginia and knows very little about it other than what I've showed him. If at all possible, though, I would like to put a few states between us because I'm afraid he'll find me somehow and/or stalk all of my family that lives all over the state until he finds us.

Can I file a restraining order against him to keep him away from both of us? The thought of him being alone with our daughter terrifies me. She already yells at me because of his example. I have to get her out of this house and as far away from him as legally possible with him having as little knowledge of our whereabouts as possible. He's told me before he doesn't think he'd have a problem taking a life, not towards me but in general when he's pissed off at someone to the point of mania.

Please help me. I am going to call tomorrow to set up a consultation with a lawyer but am going crazy not knowing right now. Thank you in advance for any help and hope you can give me.

 

[Proserpina]

Unless you can prove that he's a danger to your daughter you won't be able to prevent him from having at the very least ample visitation, should you leave.

Do you have any proof of the abuse?

Police reports? CPS reports? Anything?

 

[FedUp042010]

I don't have any proof because I didn't want him to lose his job and become even more hostile. I do have witnesses to his behavior but I'm afraid that's he said, she said. And I can also get the notes from our one and only therapy session I suppose. Other than that it has been kept out of the eyes of the courts and law enforcement. He's threatened suicide every time I mention divorce. I have made up my mind that if he does it again when I leave I'm going to call the police and have him taken to the hospital for the mandatory 72 hour hold so it can be recorded.

 

[Hot Topic]

You've enabled your husband's behavior in so many ways over the years that I think there's a good chance that you'll go back to him unless you seek immediate, intensive counselling.

Ask the local bar association tomorrow for help in getting a lawyer if you can't find one yourself. Also track down the number for shelters for abused women and children. If the lawyer advises that you get a restraining order, do so immediately.

 

[FedUp042010]

Trust me. I'm not going back. I realize now that his behavior is having negative effects on me but more importantly my daughter. She's starting to realize that yelling and saying mean things hurts mommy. So when I take a toy away or try to correct a not so favorable behavior she yells at me. I've realized that she deserves better than me and I do not want her to gauge all future romantic relationships on this very toxic one. I've put myself in this position, yes, but I will never, ever return to this not only for my sake but hers most importantly. Not for all the therapy in the world because he obviously has issues with being corrected.

A few weeks ago while we were sitting at the dinner table I corrected my daughter and she looked at me and said she hates me. I asked her 3 times what she had said because I couldn't believe she knew how to say that. My husband said he didn't know where she got that from. I certainly didn't teach it to her. A few days later he admitted that after he and I had been arguing over the phone that he said that out loud in her presence when we hung up. When I got upset he got mad at me for being upset with him and made it my fault. Of course I know it's not my fault for his inability to watch what he says, or care at all for that matter, but he's never taken the blame for one thing that's wrong in this relationship. He's never in the wrong and is always the victim in every relationship in his life.

When my daughter was born I stayed at my dad's house because he lived in a one level ranch-style home and it was easier for me to get around after my c-section. One night we were having dinner and my daughter got the hiccoughs. When my sister went to hold her and comfort her my husband got up from the table and walked up to my sister and held out his arms but didn't say anything. He just stood there until finally my sister said, "I'm holding her because she has the hiccoughs. I'll give her to you in a minute." My husband said, "She's my daughter. I want to hold her right now." My sister politely turned him down and he stormed off, screamed, "I'm the child's f*****g father!" and slammed doors. I was mortified and scared as was my sister.

He's still very possessive of my daughter and hardly lets me hold her or spend any alone time with her unless he's at work. At least then he has no control. But as soon as he gets off work he's calling or texting me to make sure I'm at home because he wants to see her and gets very upset if I'm not there when he gets home. He makes it impossible to have family over because his behavior is so unpredictable. He's very antisocial and only has one friend that lives 5 hours away from us. If I try to go out with friends he gets upset saying I don't spend enough time with him and if I try to take my daughter with me he throws hissy fits until I either give in or walk out with my daughter and tell him to get over himself. Sometimes he apologizes, sometimes he doesn't.

Lately he's been trying to be better and has said all the right things but I'm done. I've felt this way since our daughter was born but have only stayed because I was afraid if he did get visitation that I wouldn't know what was really going on. But at least now if he gets visitation she can tell me if something isn't right. My biggest fear is that he'll take her and run but I have no way to make sure that doesn't happen. He can disappear if he wants to and I'm afraid I'll never see her again. So I need to know if I can just leave and not tell him where I am until he calms down to the point that I don't fear physical violence or kidnapping.

My employer said they will serve him with a restraining order to where he cannot contact me at work and I will also get one through the police to cover me when I'm outside of work as well.

I know people think he has a right to her but when he's mentally unstable I fear for her and cannot bear the thought of not being able to protect her. It would kill me to know he has harmed her to hurt me. That is a chance I'm not willing to take. The most I would give him at this point in time is supervised visitation. Depending on his reaction to our leaving I may not even agree to that. I know it's up to the judge but hopefully with some help from friends who will testify to his character, and some documented incidents, the judge will at least grant that request until he calms down AND starts intensive therapy.

 

[Hot Topic]

You could use some extensive therapy, too.

I don't see a mention of your having talked to a lawyer today.

You've already been told that unless you can prove he's a danger to your child, you can't keep him from having visitation rights.

Not interested in more stories about how he has abused you. You married the guy, and you've stayed with him for six years. Take care of your daughter, and stop thinking about how you might do this or that if he's "good."

 

[FedUp042010]

You could use some extensive therapy, too.

I don't see a mention of your having talked to a lawyer today.

You've already been told that unless you can prove he's a danger to your child, you can't keep him from having visitation rights.

Not interested in more stories about how he has abused you. You married the guy, and you've stayed with him for six years. Take care of your daughter, and stop thinking about how you might do this or that if he's "good."

I have an appointment with an attorney but it's not like I'm getting a manicure. I can't just have an appointment the same day.

I won't bother you with any more "stories" but I don't remember reading in the rules where someone else could determine what MY posts should or should not include as long as it is respectful.

Someone could use a little more compassion and a little less omniscience in a situation that they could not possibly understand.

I appreciate your advice but not your flippancy. Try to be more sensitive to others who are as desperate for answers as I was in the future. Unlike real life, you do have the ability to edit your replies before you so callously hit the reply button.

 

[Hot Topic]

I just Googled several sites you could have contacted for help: National Domestic Violence Hotline is one. Or you could have called the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233.

The time when there was no awareness of domestic abuse is long, long over. Help is out there for anyone who picks up a telephone or gets on a computer.

 

[FedUp042010]

I thought that was what I was doing by coming to a "legal advice" forum.

Sorry if I have come across as weak and naive to you. Only ever knowing this relationship and thinking that what I was going through was not considered abuse until recently, I have been reaching out through several different outlets to find my answers quickly.

As I said before, I appreciate your advice but your approach needs improvement. Victims of all kinds of abuse neither need nor warrant a condescending response especially when they've finally found their footing to leave an abuser. It is the moment in which they are the most vulnerable but empowered and are actually quite fragile. One wrong tone can send the abused racing back into their comfort zone of abuse because at least it's constant and familiar and won't stir the pot.

I will have to politely ask you to please refrain from replying to my thread at this point as you have made it clear that you think of me as a coward. You have no idea what I have lived through even before my toxic marriage. I have more strength and resilience than you will ever know. But since you've also made it clear that you're "not interested in more stories" you will never know what true endurance, optimism, faith, and hope looks like, at least not by looking to me.

Even the most strong-willed, elegant, intelligent, abrasive women have endured abuse at the hand of the man they were led to believe loved them until death do they part.

Again, please do not respond to this thread anymore. I will most assuredly skip over it and move on as I have wasted enough precious time on you and your high horse.

 

[DAD10]

Then consider locking or deleting this thread and move on.

 

[Proserpina]

I thought that was what I was doing by coming to a "legal advice" forum.

Sorry if I have come across as weak and naive to you. Only ever knowing this relationship and thinking that what I was going through was not considered abuse until recently, I have been reaching out through several different outlets to find my answers quickly.

As I said before, I appreciate your advice but your approach needs improvement. Victims of all kinds of abuse neither need nor warrant a condescending response especially when they've finally found their footing to leave an abuser. It is the moment in which they are the most vulnerable but empowered and are actually quite fragile. One wrong tone can send the abused racing back into their comfort zone of abuse because at least it's constant and familiar and won't stir the pot.

I will have to politely ask you to please refrain from replying to my thread at this point as you have made it clear that you think of me as a coward. You have no idea what I have lived through even before my toxic marriage. I have more strength and resilience than you will ever know. But since you've also made it clear that you're "not interested in more stories" you will never know what true endurance, optimism, faith, and hope looks like, at least not by looking to me.

Even the most strong-willed, elegant, intelligent, abrasive women have endured abuse at the hand of the man they were led to believe loved them until death do they part.

Again, please do not respond to this thread anymore. I will most assuredly skip over it and move on as I have wasted enough precious time on you and your high horse.

I'm one of those women.

Please ride your high horse elsewhere into your horizon.