Can I lift or modify the no contact order?

[sded4321]

My husband and I got into a fight and it turned a bit physical when he took my phone from me to try and delete a recording I had of him being extremely verbal. I tried to grab the phone back, and was pushed in the door way in the midst of things. I had a few marks so they arrested him On behalf of the state of Illinois. I am a stay at home mom of two, pregnant with three and really need his support with the kids and financially. Can I modify this no contact order so he Can at least watch the kids in our home while I am gone??

 

[CdwJava]

You can TRY to modify the order, but the judge may not be willing to hear your request.

Keep in mind that hooking back up with your abuser may cause child services to get involved and if you are seen as not protecting those children - and your future one - you might lose them.

And do you REALLY WANT the guy that smacked around his pregnant wife to be the guy who cares for your children?!?! A guy with this sort of temper is not one I'd trust around the kids ... or, do you really think he's only a threat to YOU, and not to the kids?

 

[sded4321]

I have no intention of getting back together, and I already have an attorney filing for divorce. He really is a great dad, and I truly believe our issues were strictly marital (escalated by a few drinks he had that night which is not okay, and made the situation worse) He has never once made a questionable action toward those kids. What he did was unacceptable, and it was the end of our marriage. I just would like it modified to where he can watch the kids at their own home on the weekends and maintain normalcy for them while I stay with my parents for a few nights.The only thing I am concerned with is those kids and them still having a dad.

 

[CdwJava]

I have no intention of getting back together, and I already have an attorney filing for divorce. He really is a great dad,

I have been doing this job for a quarter century, and working with DV victims closely for much of that time. I have to say that I have heard the above-bolded statement literally a hundred times, and I did not buy it then, and I do not buy it now.

A "great dad" does NOT thump his children's mother. He doesn't. He is an example of GOOD behavior, not a role model for poor behavior. Domestic violence is a learned behavior, this is why child services are big on protecting children from sights, sounds and images of this behavior so that they do not model it. We have found that in homes where DV is allowed to occur, the girls grow up seeking a guy like dear ol' dad, and the boys grow up treating women like dad did. And the cycle goes on.

So, no, he is NOT a "great dad." Oh, there may have been times when he was doing a good job, but the minute he started berating, belittling, controlling, and/or physically assaulting you, he ceased to be a "great dad" and he became something far, far worse.

and I truly believe our issues were strictly marital (escalated by a few drinks he had that night which is not okay, and made the situation worse) He has never once made a questionable action toward those kids.

The last word on the above sentence should be, "...yet."

The last case where I heard these same statements made (IDENTICAL statements) involved a woman, her boyfriend and father of one of her children, some alcohol, a brief, nothing argument, and he ended up smashing her face on the doorstep knocking three front teeth out (shattering them, actually) and when he 6 year old son tried to get to mommy he backhanded the kid and knocked one of HIS teeth out. And before that, this same "great dad" had previously assaulted mom as she held their then 6 month old son and slammed a door into her face AND into their infant causing a goose-egg on the baby's head. Yet, she continued to stay with him. Even NOW, with her boyfriend on the run and wanted with a half million dollar bail felony warrant, she is believed to be hooking up with him in other counties bringing their child to meet with him.

Yet, the above story is not isolated. It is, sadly, quite common. They all think as you do, that the marital problems are isolated and between the adults, and exacerbated by alcohol. That's only part of it. But, when there are children in the relationship or in the home, the children ARE involved. And children will try and GET involved if their parents are fighting. We've seen boys gang up on mom when dad is yelling or attacking her, and we have seen boys and girls trying to protect mom when she's being attacked and getting hurt in the process.

So, please, get some help for yourself and for your kids. Things may be salvageable ... but, until they are, you and your children are at risk because of the blinders you are wearing.

What he did was unacceptable, and it was the end of our marriage. I just would like it modified to where he can watch the kids at their own home on the weekends and maintain normalcy for them while I stay with my parents for a few nights.The only thing I am concerned with is those kids and them still having a dad.

Having "A" dad is hardly worth putting them at risk. Hopefully the court will mandate anger management counseling and supervised visits for a few months before they consider lifting any sanctions. There are so many reasons that having a man with this kind of anger towards you watching your children is bad idea. And, as I mentioned, child services (CPS) will almost certainly be watching to see whether you continue to expose your children to this man's rage.

I truly wish you good luck, but, I beg you to seek counseling/therapy to help you make more informed and less emotional decisions.

http://www.aardvarc.org/

 

[sded4321]

I guess I am mostly confused by the fact you said CPS will be watching, because I was specifically told by the state's attorney that he is allowed to see them through third party pick up and drop off. I definitely do sound like the typical victim, and I know I am blinded by emotions in this moment of being overwhelmed with the kids. I am thankful for your blunt feedback. I hope he receives the help he needs to work toward being a better him. Unfortunately, his inexcusable actions have left me, a stay at home mom, with nothing and no help. It's hard not to speak out of feelings of fear and being overwhelmed.

 

[CdwJava]

There are many resources out there for women/wives/mothers/victims if you choose to seek them out and accept their help. Most should be a phone call or a click (on the internet) away if you want them. Those resources can help you sort out the static of emotions and panic from what makes sense.

Good luck.

 

[rangersabata]

My husband and I got into a fight and it turned a bit physical when he took my phone from me to try and delete a recording I had of him being extremely verbal. I tried to grab the phone back, and was pushed in the door way in the midst of things. I had a few marks so they arrested him On behalf of the state of Illinois. I am a stay at home mom of two, pregnant with three and really need his support with the kids and financially. Can I modify this no contact order so he Can at least watch the kids in our home while I am gone??

Wait a second, wait a second. You're his wife and you recorded him without his knowledge? No offense, abuse is inexcusable. But what you did was pretty deceitful too. If you wanted to divorce him that's fine, but secretly taping him is quite deceptive. Sounds like you both were fighting and were BOTH abusive.

 

[Zigner]

Wait a second, wait a second. You're his wife and you recorded him without his knowledge? No offense, abuse is inexcusable. But what you did was pretty deceitful too. If you wanted to divorce him that's fine, but secretly taping him is quite deceptive. Sounds like you both were fighting and were BOTH abusive.

Get outta here. There is no way in HELL that one can excuse physical abuse because the other was taping. There just isn't and it's despicable to say otherwise.

 

[rangersabata]

Get outta here. There is no way in HELL that one can excuse physical abuse because the other was taping. There just isn't and it's despicable to say otherwise.

No one is excusing physical abuse. I'm saying that the what she did was very deceptive and that needs to be recognized. What "marks" are we talking about any way? Get off your white horse and start thinking rationally.

 

[Just Blue]

No one is excusing physical abuse. I'm saying that the what she did was very deceptive and that needs to be recognized. What "marks" are we talking about any way? Get off your white horse and start thinking rationally.

Shut up. Just STOP!

 

[rangersabata]

Shut up. Just STOP!

Stop what? Are you ok? Look, it's good that the OP hear potential holes in her case. Better that than trying elsewhere. I made a legitimately good point and you ignored it.

 

[Silverplum]

Stop what? Are you ok? Look, it's good that the OP hear potential holes in her case. Better that than trying elsewhere. I made a legitimately good point and you ignored it.

No, you didn't.

 

[CdwJava]

Stop what? Are you ok? Look, it's good that the OP hear potential holes in her case. Better that than trying elsewhere. I made a legitimately good point and you ignored it.

What holes? She recorded the man's abusive behavior, he took exception to it, took her phone from her (potentially the crime of robbery by force or fear, or at least theft), and attacked her when she attempted to retrieve her property.

If it is deceitful for her to record her abuser, then are you going to say that all those folks on the street recording crimes against others, recording the police, etc., are also ALL being "deceitful?"

 

[not2cleverRed]

Wait a second, wait a second. You're his wife and you recorded him without his knowledge? No offense, abuse is inexcusable. But what you did was pretty deceitful too. If you wanted to divorce him that's fine, but secretly taping him is quite deceptive. Sounds like you both were fighting and were BOTH abusive.

It could just as easily be a voicemail. Keeping a voicemail as proof isn't illegal.

 

[LdiJ]

Wait a second, wait a second. You're his wife and you recorded him without his knowledge? No offense, abuse is inexcusable. But what you did was pretty deceitful too. If you wanted to divorce him that's fine, but secretly taping him is quite deceptive. Sounds like you both were fighting and were BOTH abusive.

I think you might be someone who got recently banned from this forum. OP, please do disregard this drivel.