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  1. #1
    lambiez is offline Junior Member
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    Can I take my children when I leave my husband?

    What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? New York

    I have been married for 7 years. My husband is an alcoholic and abusive. We also have 3 kids. My family lives in Wisconsin, we currently reside in New York. My mother is unable to help me out of this situation and I cannot go to a womens shelter because there is no proof of his ways. Everytime he got abusive he would disconnect the phones when I would try and call for help.

    I have a friend that lives in Texas that is willing to help me move myself and the kids out there. In order to do this I would have to leave while he is at work. Otherwise I doubt I would get out alive or with my children.

    Basically last time I got him to leave for a while, I called the police and explained the situation. They essentially told me that if I pack my children up and leave, then file for custody in another state, I would be fine. That possession is 9/10ths of the law. (technically neither of us have physical placement)

    How true is this? Can someone point me in the correct direction? The area I live in charges for consultations and I cannot pay without him knowing.

    Thank you in advance!
  2. #2
    Nativity is offline Member
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    Aside from the help that others will provide you should contact the Vera House:

    Vera House, Inc.
    6181 Thompson Road . Suite 100 . Syracuse, NY 13206
    315-425-0818 .
    24-hour Crisis & Support Lines:
    315-468-3260 Domestic Violence

    They will be able to help you out with questions as well as if you need to go to a shelter right away, proof of the abuse is not needed to stay at one of their few shelters across new york.
  3. #3
    Ohiogal is offline Senior Member
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    You cannot file for custody until you establish residency in another state -- normally 6 months to a year. Before that time has elapsed dad can go to court in NY and file for divorce and an immediate return of the children. The judge would most likely grant it and you would be forced to return the children or a warrant would be issued and you would be arrested. You would also most likely lose custody.

    let me guess -- you have NEVER filed for a restraining order nor have you ever filed a complaint with the police regarding his abuse.
    Parents should remember 3 things: Love your kids more than you hate your ex; when you have children the relationship with the other parent is until death; your children determine what type of nursing home you end up in.
    Nothing stated by me should be taken as giving you legal advice or forming an attorney/client relationship.

    Attorney-GAL in Ohio.

    I've removed the knife from my back, polished it, and will one day return it -- long after you think I have forgotten.
  4. #4
    lambiez is offline Junior Member
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    No I never filed for any of that stuff. He has always threatened my life. Im to the point where I cannot take it anymore. I dont want to put my kids through this anymore. Do I have to tell him where I am once I get there?

    I'm scheduled to leave towards the end of next month.
  5. #5
    Ohiogal is offline Senior Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by lambiez View Post
    No I never filed for any of that stuff. He has always threatened my life. Im to the point where I cannot take it anymore. I dont want to put my kids through this anymore. Do I have to tell him where I am once I get there?

    I'm scheduled to leave towards the end of next month.
    If you are moving YES you must inform him of where you are. Because here is what will happen: He will go to court, file a divorce, attempt service, then do service by publication, get awarded custody, and then file for kidnapping charges against you. A warrant will be put out for your arrest. You will then have to live underground forever and face arrest and your children being ripped from you and placed with him. At such time as you are arrested, you would most likely be found guilty and sentenced to prison thus becoming a felon. And you have NO PROOF that he is abusive so therefore you are just a horrible woman who is engaging in alienation children from their loving father. See where this is going?
    Parents should remember 3 things: Love your kids more than you hate your ex; when you have children the relationship with the other parent is until death; your children determine what type of nursing home you end up in.
    Nothing stated by me should be taken as giving you legal advice or forming an attorney/client relationship.

    Attorney-GAL in Ohio.

    I've removed the knife from my back, polished it, and will one day return it -- long after you think I have forgotten.
  6. #6
    LdiJ is offline Senior Member
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    Contact the shelter the the previous poster gave you. They really will help you with this. You need to file for divorce in NY and get permission to relocate with the children.

    You also need to contact the police and get a restraining order the next time he is violent with you. Get a prepaid cell phone with some minutes on it to hide and use to call the police if he disconnects the phones.
  7. #7
    not2cleverRed is offline Member
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    As pp stated, if you live in the Syracuse area, contact that address.

    I suspect that whatever county that you live in, that there are resources, including legal resources, that you have not tapped into.

    I realize that the temptation is to leave directly to a place that you deem safe, and that since your grounds is abuse, you should definitely take your children with you. But as OG said CROSSING STATE LINES = BAD IDEA.

    I've been there. I almost did that. In my case, I was about to get into my car with my toddler daughter and leave for my parents' house out of state when I decided that I should give a neighbor a heads up (and ask her to look after the house - husband has threatened to torch it), and the neighbor talked me down and got me to file a report at the police station instead. Step one.

    I realize that you have stated that you've not had access to a working phone during the more violent episodes. (VOE, doesn't matter, even if you did, he'd probably hang up for you, like mine did.) BUT you could have filed a report at the police station (not necessarily press charges.) ETC.

    You should be able to get at least a Temporary Order of Protection, ex parte (meaning your husband isn't there). Look into this. It was how I got mine. It seems in the part of Suffolk County where I live the process is to go to Probation Intake, fill out a form detailing the most recent instances, and they will put together your application for the temp OP, and then go to Family Court. You do not need a lawyer for this, but it's a lot easier if you have a calendar with you with actual dates and specifics about the behavior.

    After obtaining a temp OP, make sure that you have a lawyer for the next court date. If your husband doesn't fight it, then you'll get a Final OP easily, otherwise it will go to trial. And then you need proof. Only you know how he'll react to all this.

    I suspect that the process isn't radically different in other parts of NY. I'd include a link to the page with forms, but it always crashes my computer.

    Whatever you do...

    DO take your children with you when leaving an abusive spouse.

    DON'T take them over state lines. Especially if you don't have lots of connections and $$ to pay legal bills to get out of the mess you'll have made.

    It's worth it to do things the right way, i.e. LEGALLY. Listen to OG.



    P.S. By contrast, a year ago an aquaintance fled NY and her husband with her 2 children, going a similar distance to what you are suggesting, to be with extended family. Her family has a lot of connections and $$, and initially it looked like things would go in her favor. She has since been forced to move at least the East Coast for visitation purposes. Granted, her soon to be XH is a long time parents right activist, but.... I don't think you'll get away with bucking the system.
  8. #8
    robin000 is offline Junior Member
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    I live in MA so it might be different..
    but Ive heard of something like this...
    If you leave to another state, you cannot be charged as kidnapping..it would be considered a seperation, "a mutual dispute"....you cannot get in trouble with the law...the officer is right..once you settle, you then file for divorce and take it to court.. its up to the judge to decide the custody but if you have proof then even better...but in most states, the judge believes its better for the mother to have custody....
    good luck
  9. #9
    stealth2 is offline Senior Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by robin000 View Post
    I live in MA so it might be different..
    but Ive heard of something like this...
    If you leave to another state, you cannot be charged as kidnapping..it would be considered a seperation, "a mutual dispute"....you cannot get in trouble with the law...the officer is right..once you settle, you then file for divorce and take it to court.. its up to the judge to decide the custody but if you have proof then even better...but in most states, the judge believes its better for the mother to have custody....
    good luck
    BAD BAD BAD ADVICE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Read OhioGal's post and pay heed to the information there. DO NOT DO WHAT robin000 has suggested. You WILL lose custody.
  10. #10
    TinkerBelleLuvr is offline Senior Member
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    Get a cellphone with service that includes GPS. If the X gets bad, dial 911 and leave it on. Don't even have to speak. If no one is on the line, police will be called to investigate.

    FYI - my children were all trained to know how to call 911 from an early age. It saved my life.
  11. #11
    Blue Meanie is offline Senior Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by LdiJ View Post
    Contact the shelter the the previous poster gave you. They really will help you with this. You need to file for divorce in NY and get permission to relocate with the children.

    You also need to contact the police and get a restraining order the next time he is violent with you. Get a prepaid cell phone with some minutes on it to hide and use to call the police if he disconnects the phones.
    Also many domestic violance centers offer free cell phones with GPS tracking. You just press 911 and the police will show up...you won't even have to talk to the dispatcher.
  12. #12
    Blue Meanie is offline Senior Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by robin000 View Post
    I live in MA so it might be different..
    but Ive heard of something like this...
    If you leave to another state, you cannot be charged as kidnapping..it would be considered a seperation, "a mutual dispute"....you cannot get in trouble with the law...the officer is right..once you settle, you then file for divorce and take it to court.. its up to the judge to decide the custody but if you have proof then even better...but in most states, the judge believes its better for the mother to have custody....
    good luck
    Please post the statute/case law for MASS that would back up your idotic post...
  13. #13
    BL
    BL is offline Senior Member
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    OP , you may want to read through Family Abduction .

    [url]http://criminaljustice.state.ny.us/missing/graphics/familyabductprevresponse.pdf[/url]

    [url=http://criminaljustice.state.ny.us/missing/i_safety/forms.htm]Missing & Exploited Children Clearinghouse - Forms, Publications and Statutes[/url]

    [url=http://criminaljustice.state.ny.us/missing/]Missing & Exploited Children Clearinghouse[/url]

    You could , if DV agencies won't help , move out with your children .

    If you haven't money or a place to stay , go down to your local Temporary Assistance agency ( welfare office ) , and apply for emergency assistance .

    Once in a place of your own , go down and file for Custody/Visitation , and separately for child support in Family Court .

    Later , you can file for divorce and have the Family Court Ordered run concurrently with the Divorce decree .
    Last edited by BL; 10-02-2008 at 10:21 AM.

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