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  1. #1
    michelle29 is offline Junior Member
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    Can a Order of Protection be cancelled in TN?

    What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? TN

    I filed an order of protection against my ex husband because I was in fear of my safety on Tuesday 9/2. He, in the last 2 days, has called our son's high school cussing the principal for not letting his son ride to his house on the bus (our son is a minor child protected under the order), called my school board's office(I am an educator) telling them tales about me, called the law enforcement official who spoke to him 2 times the first day he was informed about the order and cursed at him, and the circuit court where the order was filed. Now it's day 3 and his mother calls me begging me crying to cancel the order so that he can see and speak to his son. She claims she is worried he will do something to himself and that for me to please cancel our son out of the order. I never intended on keeping his child from him but that was the condition of the order, or so I was lead to believe. His abuse is more verbal than physical but the threat is very existent. My son is 14 and would like to speak and see his father, which in turn upsets me greatly. I have dealt with this pattern of abuse for 18 years,...the anger...the rage...then the begging for forgiveness. I have NO doubt that he would not hurt his son, however, he gets to me through him...via cell phone. My son received 31 calls the night his dad found out about the order and 27 of them where "Let me talk to your mom". I need some advice badly. Can I take our son off the order or just cancel it altogether? If I do this, can I arrange for a drop off place where the parents NEVER have to interact. How would I communicate with him about our son without the verbally abuse that always ensues and has nothing to do with our son.
    Please help>
  2. #2
    Ohiogal is offline Senior Member
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    If you drop this order and he kills you or otherwise causes you injury do NOT complain to the police. He is playing with your emotions. How can you be sure he wouldn't harm the minor child? What if he just took off with your son? It is two days later and you want to drop it? Then you never really needed it. May you be protected if he decides to kill you. HOpefully he would only kill you and NOT his child. But who knows.
    Parents should remember 3 things: Love your kids more than you hate your ex; when you have children the relationship with the other parent is until death; your children determine what type of nursing home you end up in.
    Nothing stated by me should be taken as giving you legal advice or forming an attorney/client relationship.

    Attorney-GAL in Ohio.

    I've removed the knife from my back, polished it, and will one day return it -- long after you think I have forgotten.
  3. #3
    Tallrat is offline Member
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    One thing I hate is a dead complainer. You don't need to drop it but you can get it modified so he can see his son. Magistrate can handle. He will probably order father in anger management and have specific orders such as when and how he can contact you. This is of course your ex shows up and acts contrite. If he comes in like a lunatic then the best he might get would be supervised visitation from the court.
    Last edited by Tallrat; 09-04-2008 at 04:14 PM. Reason: spell
  4. #4
    Blue Meanie is offline Senior Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by Tallrat View Post
    One thing I hate is a dead complainer. You don't need to drop it but you need to get it modified so he can see his son. Magistrate can handle. He will probably order father in anger management and have specific orders such as when and how he can contact you.
    The father needs to go to family court and file for visitation. This is not a criminal court issue.
  5. #5
    Lauram78 is offline Member
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    . I have dealt with this pattern of abuse for 18 years,...the anger...the rage...then the begging for forgiveness. I

    What you just described is the typical pattern of an abusive person, it's almost as if they all graduated from abuse academy. They do not change.
  6. #6
    seniorjudge is offline Senior Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by baystategirl View Post
    The father needs to go to family court and file for visitation. This is not a criminal court issue.
    Magistrates sometimes handle protection orders in Tennessee and, further, sometimes order folks to anger management classes.
    There are two rules for success:

    (1) Never tell everything you know.
  7. #7
    Tallrat is offline Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by baystategirl View Post
    The father needs to go to family court and file for visitation. This is not a criminal court issue.
    I know that. They will be have to show up for family court because she filed a protection order. He can request to see child then. Probably will be denied until he goes to anger management or might order supervised visitation though. The wife can tell them she wants no contact but wants child to see father.
  8. #8
    Ohiogal is offline Senior Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by Tallrat View Post
    One thing I hate is a dead complainer. You don't need to drop it but you can get it modified so he can see his son. Magistrate can handle. He will probably order father in anger management and have specific orders such as when and how he can contact you. This is of course your ex shows up and acts contrite. If he comes in like a lunatic then the best he might get would be supervised visitation from the court.
    Yeah rereading my sentence it doesn't make much sense but the gist I believe is understood. If she drops this and he does something else, she will be right back to complaining about it. And if he gets away with this he will escalate. She could possibly end up dead. And then what? We would have a bunch of people left behind whining about why she didn't have a restraining order when the truth would be SHE decided to drop it because she felt sorry for him or because -- my favorite reason -- she LOOOOOOVVVVEEEESSSS him.
    Parents should remember 3 things: Love your kids more than you hate your ex; when you have children the relationship with the other parent is until death; your children determine what type of nursing home you end up in.
    Nothing stated by me should be taken as giving you legal advice or forming an attorney/client relationship.

    Attorney-GAL in Ohio.

    I've removed the knife from my back, polished it, and will one day return it -- long after you think I have forgotten.
  9. #9
    michelle29 is offline Junior Member
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    she LOOOOOOVVVVEEEESSSS him????

    Well...first off let me start by saying the above statement is NOT TRUE! My intention when posting to this forum was to get some advice not to be mocked. Maybe my question about the order of protection was misunderstood. I was being told by several of his family members that this could be done and was what should be done because he loves his son! I do not deny the fact that I am a soft hearted, naive person ...if I were not I wouldn't have wasted 18 years of my life. I am trying to change that about myself by finding counseling, until then I needed some outside resources who have no prior knowledge of my situation but had some experience dealing with this issue. Everyone has an opinion..you know that saying...and all of the opinions that were being thrust at me had my head spinning. I AM NOT cancelling the order of protection! I do NOT want to be harmed in any way or have my son harmed. I took out the order to protect myself and my son....and it was NOT a decision I entered into lightly! I do appreciate most of your comments posted here and will take every bit of advice into consideration. Sometimes our hearts and minds are so blinded by circumstance that we can't be impartial ....I can say that because I've lived it.
    Thanks again
  10. #10
    Blue Meanie is offline Senior Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by michelle29 View Post
    Well...first off let me start by saying the above statement is NOT TRUE! My intention when posting to this forum was to get some advice not to be mocked. Maybe my question about the order of protection was misunderstood. I was being told by several of his family members that this could be done and was what should be done because he loves his son! I do not deny the fact that I am a soft hearted, naive person ...if I were not I wouldn't have wasted 18 years of my life. I am trying to change that about myself by finding counseling, until then I needed some outside resources who have no prior knowledge of my situation but had some experience dealing with this issue. Everyone has an opinion..you know that saying...and all of the opinions that were being thrust at me had my head spinning. I AM NOT cancelling the order of protection! I do NOT want to be harmed in any way or have my son harmed. I took out the order to protect myself and my son....and it was NOT a decision I entered into lightly! I do appreciate most of your comments posted here and will take every bit of advice into consideration. Sometimes our hearts and minds are so blinded by circumstance that we can't be impartial ....I can say that because I've lived it.
    Thanks again
    I am sure there is verbiage in the PO that state to contact you or have someone else contact you on his behalf is a violation of the PO. Explain to his family that if they try and manipulate you into vacating or modifying the PO again you will contact the police and file a complaint. Period. If your ex wants contact with his child let him file for visitation through family court.
  11. #11
    Tallrat is offline Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by Ohiogal View Post
    Yeah rereading my sentence it doesn't make much sense but the gist I believe is understood.
    Just a good nature d ribbing OG
  12. #12
    Ohiogal is offline Senior Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by michelle29 View Post
    Well...first off let me start by saying the above statement is NOT TRUE! My intention when posting to this forum was to get some advice not to be mocked. Maybe my question about the order of protection was misunderstood. I was being told by several of his family members that this could be done and was what should be done because he loves his son! I do not deny the fact that I am a soft hearted, naive person ...if I were not I wouldn't have wasted 18 years of my life. I am trying to change that about myself by finding counseling, until then I needed some outside resources who have no prior knowledge of my situation but had some experience dealing with this issue. Everyone has an opinion..you know that saying...and all of the opinions that were being thrust at me had my head spinning. I AM NOT cancelling the order of protection! I do NOT want to be harmed in any way or have my son harmed. I took out the order to protect myself and my son....and it was NOT a decision I entered into lightly! I do appreciate most of your comments posted here and will take every bit of advice into consideration. Sometimes our hearts and minds are so blinded by circumstance that we can't be impartial ....I can say that because I've lived it.
    Thanks again
    Good. I am glad to hear that you are NOT cancelling the order of protection. If you cancel it you are asking for trouble. I have heard the reasoning that "I looooovvvvvvveeee him" used many times in my work -- be it from a woman who was beat or a mother who lost her children because her boyfriend/husband was abusive to them. That is a horrible excuse and yet one people use -- they let their heart lead when they need to snap out of emotion and look at the facts.

    You got an order of protection for a reason. Remember that reason. Stick with it. Dad has options if he wants to see his son.
    Parents should remember 3 things: Love your kids more than you hate your ex; when you have children the relationship with the other parent is until death; your children determine what type of nursing home you end up in.
    Nothing stated by me should be taken as giving you legal advice or forming an attorney/client relationship.

    Attorney-GAL in Ohio.

    I've removed the knife from my back, polished it, and will one day return it -- long after you think I have forgotten.
  13. #13
    Ohiogal is offline Senior Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by Tallrat View Post
    Just a good nature d ribbing OG
    Yeah I know. I got a laugh out of it when I saw it
    Parents should remember 3 things: Love your kids more than you hate your ex; when you have children the relationship with the other parent is until death; your children determine what type of nursing home you end up in.
    Nothing stated by me should be taken as giving you legal advice or forming an attorney/client relationship.

    Attorney-GAL in Ohio.

    I've removed the knife from my back, polished it, and will one day return it -- long after you think I have forgotten.
  14. #14
    aardvarc is offline Member
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    more importantly....

    Just because there is an order of protection, that does NOT mean anyone IS protected. All it means is that certain behaviors which are normally fine can be charged as criminal offenses if they occur now that the order is in place, and, that penalties are more likley to be enforced (and/or enhanced) if that order is violated. Other than that, it's ONLY a piece of paper. It's value to her only kicks in if he DOES something else - whether that be a single "innocent" phone call, to an all out fire and brimstone shooting spree at your child's school - and, it's ability to deter such actions is directly proportional to his fear of repercussions for violations. Of all of the domestic violence homicides I've been involved in over the years (including those where the children were murdered too), I'd say about 65% of the cases involved already standing POs or PFAs - because some people will be deterred by it, and other people will be pissed off by it or suddenly realize that it signals a true end to the abusive relationship and they are often NOT about to let that happen. Such an order MUST be only be a single tool in a box FULL of tools. That "box" is your personal safety plan. Make one. Check it often. Talk to your kids about it in an age-appropriate way. You can get a good start on yours at [url=http://www.aardvarc.org/dv/plan.shtml]Domestic Violence Safety Plan - An Abuse, Rape and Domestic Violence Aid and Resource Collection[/url] and can seek help from your local domestic violence program for working out any details or special circumstances.

    Be aware that making suicidal threats is one of the biggest red flags out there as an indicator that an individual is considering later violence. If they only took themselves out, that's one thing, but the fact is that it's way too common for abusers to kill the ex, the ex's new boyfriend, and even the children (or just the children and themselves, leaving the ex alive to suffer the aftermath). Your post didn't say he was making such threats, but if his own mother is concerned that he'll hurt himself, this should be setting off sirens that danger could be around the corner.
  15. #15
    michelle29 is offline Junior Member
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    Court Day?

    I just found out that I will be completely on my own on court day! No District Attorney or anyone to voice my concerns but me. I am in need of some advice here. I am not sure what I can even request of the court in this matter and what would normally be left up to some sort of arbitration. Here is what I would like to request and hopefully someone can tell me if I am off base or right on target...and even offer some more suggestions: 1. NO disparaging remarks by either parent about either parent in front of the child. 2. NO disparaging remarks by any visitor to any household about either parent. 3. Local AGREED upon drop off/pick up point for child to avoid any contact between parents. 4. Another manner of communication between parents other than phone or face to face conversation when issues of the child are in need of discussion (letter?) 5. STICK to the Parenting Plan in place in regard to all aspects (visitation, holidays...etc) 6. Both parents agree to deliver and pick up child from all school functions that he MUST attend (band related) on their respective visitation schedule. 7. NO arguing or bad language from either parent in front of the child.

    Have I left anything out or is there anything else I should request or discuss?
    Please help quickly...my court date is 9/19.

    Thanks

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