Children being "groomed" per dcf for molestation. Please help.

[bananasoup]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? Florida

I have primary custody of our 2 boys, ages 9 and 4. They see their father on a standard visitation schedule about 3 times a week - the father voluntarily suspended overnight visits because of his poor living condition (he lives in an abandoned office).

It came out during our marriage that my ex had molested his sister many times. She was 4 and 5, he was 15, 16. He had her perform oral sex on him. It is common knowledge throughout his large family. It was never reported to authorities. (the family found out when he was in his early 20's) he never received counseling for it. During our marriage he was addicted to internet porn and movies. All of it related to oral sex. He was in sexaholics anonymous for a time.

DCF investigated about a year ago and their conclusion was that the children were at risk and were possibly being "groomed" by him for abuse. They did not however think there was any possibility of doing anything about it since nothing had "happened". The children reported rather innocuous experiences - spooning with him and them in their underwear, seeing porn on his cell phone.

I have dcf investigating once again, because the first time my ex had the younger boy alone last week I found them at his place in bed together at 4 in the afternoon. It has been suggested to me that I was stupid to not seek supervised visitation a year ago.

How can I find a balance between their relationship with their father whom they love and protecting them? Any advice would be appreciated. I have taught them about rights and wrongs of safety but our older son is emotionally disturbed.

 

[Dorothy.Decimal]

Advice from a mother, not a legal expert

I recognize that you are concerned with promoting a good relationship between your ex and your children and commend you for that: our world would be a better place if the majority of divorced parents were more concerned with the childrens' well being than they are with getting revenge against the ex.

I would caution you, though, that their father's inappropriate and/or criminal sexual behavior will ultimately cause far more damage to their relationship with him than anything you could do. It is definitely in their best interests to have a good, healthy relationship with their father, but the relationship you describe does not meet either definition. In this case, it may just be that the best thing for the relationship is suspending it until your ex has dealt with his issues.

 

[wileybunch]

... the relationship you describe does not meet either definition. In this case, it may just be that the best thing for the relationship is suspending it until your ex has dealt with his issues.

DCF has already been involved by Mom and did not do anything to limit Dad's "relationship" with his kids so what are you suggesting here?

 

[Dorothy.Decimal]

DCF has already been involved by Mom and did not do anything to limit Dad's "relationship" with his kids so what are you suggesting here?

Again, I'm not a legal expert. I assumed some of those would be along to advise you on the legal issues. I was simply trying to point out to you that, while your goal of preserving the relationship between your children and their father is commendable, you may need to re-think that plan for now.

Good luck.

 

[mistoffolees]

I recognize that you are concerned with promoting a good relationship between your ex and your children and commend you for that: our world would be a better place if the majority of divorced parents were more concerned with the childrens' well being than they are with getting revenge against the ex.

I would caution you, though, that their father's inappropriate and/or criminal sexual behavior will ultimately cause far more damage to their relationship with him than anything you could do. It is definitely in their best interests to have a good, healthy relationship with their father, but the relationship you describe does not meet either definition. In this case, it may just be that the best thing for the relationship is suspending it until your ex has dealt with his issues.

WRONG!!!!! If she does that, he can drag her in to court for contempt and ask for sole custody on the basis of her denying visitation. He might not get it, but stranger things have happened.

Since DCF is already involved, she's got a problem. Unless they're willing to make a determination that the father is unsafe, her options are limited. I would suggest:

1. Talk to a DCF supervisor about the situation. That might get some attention.

2. Ask her attorney about the possibility of getting a GAL appointed by the court. GALs have a lot more flexibility than DCF and can have a huge impact.

3. She could also ask for an emergency hearing from the court on the matter and ask for supervised visitation. I would not even consider this without talking to an attorney who knows the judge and how the judge might react. What she's got is probably not going to be enough to get an emergency hearing, much less win one, so that would be a last resort.