Do you deserve what you get it if you go back?

[Septtt]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? California
First let me apoligize in advance this time for any spelling errors, it is a diffulcult thing for me, thank you. The other day I wrote a long rambling post without clarity. I tried to figure out what it was I was asking you and myself. I think my question is this. Intellectually I know that staying involved with this man is wrong in so many ways, but emotionally I can't seem to break free. So here it is.
If you stay or go back to an abuser over and over again does the court look upon it so badly that they will not issue a restraining order becuase you seem so wishy washy. Do they feel if your stupid enough to go back your getting what you deserve and will not grant an order of protection from at least being physically attacked.

[IsabellaSoriano]

Originally Posted by Septtt

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? California
First let me apoligize in advance this time for any spelling errors, it is a diffulcult thing for me, thank you. The other day I wrote a long rambling post without clarity. I tried to figure out what it was I was asking you and myself. I think my question is this. Intellectually I know that staying involved with this man is wrong in so many ways, but emotionally I can't seem to break free. So here it is.
If you stay or go back to an abuser over and over again does the court look upon it so badly that they will not issue a restraining order becuase you seem so wishy washy. Do they feel if your stupid enough to go back your getting what you deserve and will not grant an order of protection from at least being physically attacked.

if there is evidence of a physical attack, a restraining order will be granted. if that restraining order is violated, even by the victim, the victim may be facing penalties of jail time.

the courts will issue a restraining order based on evidence. not based on how many times the restraining order is requested.

[Hisbabygirl77]

Originally Posted by IsabellaSoriano

if there is evidence of a physical attack, a restraining order will be granted. if that restraining order is violated, even by the victim, the victim may be facing penalties of jail time. the courts will issue a restraining order based on evidence. not based on how many times the restraining order is requested.

Im gonna have to disagree with you on the Bolded. That is not true the victim will not face any jailtime or legal consequences as they can NOT break the restraining order since the order against the Perp not the victim.
While working at a DV shelter we dealt with this plenty and it was always a misconception. ( now that being said unless there is specific wording on order that victim can not contact perp which is rare that wording is there)

[Zigner]

Just to be clear, PHYSICAL VIOLENCE is not the only criteria used for the issuance of a DV restraining order...

[LdiJ]

Originally Posted by Septtt

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? California
First let me apoligize in advance this time for any spelling errors, it is a diffulcult thing for me, thank you. The other day I wrote a long rambling post without clarity. I tried to figure out what it was I was asking you and myself. I think my question is this. Intellectually I know that staying involved with this man is wrong in so many ways, but emotionally I can't seem to break free. So here it is.
If you stay or go back to an abuser over and over again does the court look upon it so badly that they will not issue a restraining order becuase you seem so wishy washy. Do they feel if your stupid enough to go back your getting what you deserve and will not grant an order of protection from at least being physically attacked.

No one deserves to be beaten, but the reality of things is that you do kind of deserve it the way that you keep going back to him. He has choked you unconscious at least twice, and he isn't serving time in prison for attempted murder...and that doesn't count all of the other times that he beat on you.

You need to be seeing a domestic violence counselor. A local shelter could probably give you leads to all kinds of services that could help you.

[IsabellaSoriano]

Originally Posted by Hisbabygirl77

Im gonna have to disagree with you on the Bolded. That is not true the victim will not face any jailtime or legal consequences as they can NOT break the restraining order since the order against the Perp not the victim.
While working at a DV shelter we dealt with this plenty and it was always a misconception. ( now that being said unless there is specific wording on order that victim can not contact perp which is rare that wording is there)

you know, i worded that all wrong. only if the restraining order is two way.

[Proserpina]

Originally Posted by LdiJ

No one deserves to be beaten, but the reality of things is that you do kind of deserve it the way that you keep going back to him. He has choked you unconscious at least twice, and he isn't serving time in prison for attempted murder...and that doesn't count all of the other times that he beat on you.

The victim can be stupid, crazy, insane, frustrating, weak, foolish, pathetic or any other similar adjective.

But never deserving. Ever.

[Hisbabygirl77]

Domestic Violence is about control and power. The biggest part of the abuse is the fact that abuser will crush the victims self esteem to nothing. They will make it so that the victim is in everyway dependant on them. They will methodically and systematically brainwash for better word the victim until the victim is basically controlled by them. It is not unusual in fact it is typical that a victim will return to the abuser. Studies show in fact that most DV victims return to the abuser on average 7 times before they finally break free of their control. It is in no way shape or form the victims fault for the abuse. No victim is EVER deserving of abuse. I dont care if they return 100 times.

[>Charlotte<]

I'm certain Ld does not believe that any woman under any circumstances "deserves" to be abused. I think she was just using Septtt's choice of words to make her point. So let's not let semantics get in the way.

Deserves? No. Never. But anyone who keeps going back to that kind of environment, regardless of the reasons (emotional or otherwise), should certainly expect it. And I'm sure the SOB considers it acceptance.

Septtt, I'm sure you've heard all about the self-esteem and victim mentality issues that explain why some women find it difficult to leave their abusers. There's help out there for you, but nobody can make you take back control of your life. You have to take that first step yourself. No judge is going to think you deserve to be beaten, but there's only so much a judge or the police can do for you and they know that.

[Proserpina]

Originally Posted by >Charlotte<

I'm certain Ld does not believe that any woman under any circumstances "deserves" to be abused. I think she was just using Septtt's choice of words to make her point. So let's not let semantics get in the way.

Deserves? No. Never. But anyone who keeps going back to that kind of environment, regardless of the reasons (emotional or otherwise), should certainly expect it. And I'm sure the SOB considers it acceptance.

Septtt, I'm sure you've heard all about the self-esteem and victim mentality issues that explain why some women find it difficult to leave their abusers. There's help out there for you, but nobody can make you take back control of your life. You have to take that first step yourself. No judge is going to think you deserve to be beaten, but there's only so much a judge or the police can do for you and they know that.

Ah crap.

Yes, I think you're right. L, I do apologize. I did shoot from the hip there without giving it enough consideration. I'm sorry.

(I can't even blame mercury being in retrograde, or a full/new moon. Just a very rough and sleepless night )

[JKBee]

The times you go back until you learn to ask for help and counseling to break this mode are totally up to the individual. At some point, hopefully, this will become more important than what is keeping you with him.

You came onto this forum asking for help. That is one step in moving away from this abuse. Please take this another step further and go to a shelter or anyplace else that will help you with counseling so you can take the next. You know in your heart if and when you are ready to change. Sounds like you are getting there!

I think almost everyone here wants to support you, but you have to take charge of your own life. A restraining order is the second step. The decision to make a change is your first.

[Hisbabygirl77]

Originally Posted by LdiJ

No one deserves to be beaten, but the reality of things is that you do kind of deserve it the way that you keep going back to him. He has choked you unconscious at least twice, and he isn't serving time in prison for attempted murder...and that doesn't count all of the other times that he beat on you.

You need to be seeing a domestic violence counselor. A local shelter could probably give you leads to all kinds of services that could help you.

While I do agree and believe that L did not mean that the OP is deserving of abuse I was stating what I stated because the OP is going to read it as she deserves it. Why? Because she is already feeling that way and it takes very lil to confirm a victims wrongful believe that they did something wrong which is why they were abused.

[Proserpina]

Originally Posted by JKBee

The times you go back until you learn to ask for help and counseling to break this mode are totally up to the individual. At some point, hopefully, this will become more important than what is keeping you with him.

You came onto this forum asking for help. That is one step in moving away from this abuse. Please take this another step further and go to a shelter or anyplace else that will help you with counseling so you can take the next. You know in your heart if and when you are ready to change. Sounds like you are getting there!

I think almost everyone here wants to support you, but you have to take charge of your own life. A restraining order is the second step. The decision to make a change is your first.

Y'know this is just not acceptable. It's Monday, I'm sleepless, sick and cranky and here you are posting something so fundamentally right, heart-felt and realistic that I have a tear in my eye and a warmth in my heart, and seriously doubt if anyone could have said it any better.

Thank you.

Just don't be telling everyone that I'm nice...I have a reputation y'know

[Proserpina]

Originally Posted by Hisbabygirl77

While I do agree and believe that L did not mean that the OP is deserving of abuse I was stating what I stated because the OP is going to read it as she deserves it. Why? Because she is already feeling that way and it takes very lil to confirm a victims wrongful believe that they did something wrong which is why they were abused.

And that's also true!

[Ronin]

Originally Posted by Hisbabygirl77

Im gonna have to disagree with you on the Bolded. That is not true the victim will not face any jailtime or legal consequences as they can NOT break the restraining order since the order against the Perp not the victim. While working at a DV shelter we dealt with this plenty and it was always a misconception. (now that being said unless there is specific wording on order that victim can not contact perp which is rare that wording is there)

This is not entirely correct. Although I can't speak for CA, in Texas a Protective Order is serious business and cuts both ways. All parties are bound to its terms. If the person who is being protected by such an order willfully initiates or encourages contact with the other party in direct violation of the terms of such an order, both parties may be held in criminal contempt.

While it may seem rather harsh, there are good reasons for this.