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Does this constitute emotional abuse?

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laura8682

Junior Member
What is the name of your state? Washington

My husband and I have been married for 20 years (7 of those have been in the US, previously to that we were in France; I'm American, he is French)

We have been having marital problems (inability to communicate, sexual incompatibility) for many years now and recently started to see a marriage counsellor and have had two sessions. At the end of the second session we realized that our marriage is finished, emotionally and spiritually and physically. My husband said he just does not care about me at all anymore, our marriage is over as far as he is concerned. He had just told me in the days that preceded our session that an affair he had conducted in France had lasted three entire years and it was ended only because his girlfriend decided she did not want to leave her husband, otherwise my husband would have gone off with her. Just after it ended my husband and I brought our two kids to the US to try to remake our lives here. (I previously knew about this affair but didn't know how serious it had gotten, thought it existed only a few months.) I had an opportunity through my work to relocate to the US and my husband needed a career boost and I needed a change, so we jumped at the opportunity.

I told our therapist about what my husband had revealed to me and that our marriage is finished as far as I am concerned, too. (My husband had also had three other affairs in France during our 13 years of married life there. I was never resolute enough to throw him out, although I realize now that I should have, but I was in a foreign country and was over-dependent on him.)

Here is my question:
Since the 4th of February last, without any advance warning or word of explanation, my husband started leaving the house at night, anywhere from 7:00 to 10:30 p.m. and just staying out all night long. He comes back anywhere from 4:30 (the first couple of times) to 7:00 or even 8:30 (recently) in the morning, in time to take our daughter to school (I leave earlier in the morning to go to work), then he goes to work. This has been the scenario every single night for the past three weeks.
Very recently, he has received phone calls on his cell phone at the house that he promptly takes into the garage. He never did this before, they are obviously calls he does not want to be overheard.
Is he commiting any kind of legal transgression here? Is he exercising emotional abuse? I understand that he feels totally uncomfortable in the house with me (we're co-existing, we manage to talk, we manage to have disputes) and that he is looking for emotional fulfillment that he cannot get with me. But he has never told me where he goes, at the beginning of this week I asked him where he goes and he refused to say. He can only be reached on his cell phone while he is galivanting and doesn't always have it turned on. I have never dared trying to call him at night on the cell, but our son (who is 19) did - for a completely tangential reason, he had something he wanted to ask - and my husband was not answering.
I feel totally emotionally battered and am waiting to get legal advice, but cannot hook up with a lawyer immediately (all the ones who have been recommended to me locally have full schedules for this week). I'm in extreme pain, my two kids (15 and 19) appear to be siding with my husband and are looking at me as "the meddling spouse", accusing me of trying to spy on them (my husband has accused me of trying to spy on him because the first time, when I noticed the unusual behavior, I tried following him into the garage to see what the nature of the phone call was). He accused me of spying on him. But he cut the phone call short immediately when I appeared in the garage.They all want me to move out of the house and have told me very clearly - because I'm not happy with them! I have been totally denigrated, but my husband is just going after what he needs - a new love relationship which he is simultaneously trying to hide and to shove in my face.
My kids and my husband call each other on the telephone, plan things together, talk about me behind my back (I think - I also think I'm getting paranoid), and generally do not include me in their family affairs. My husband takes them out on shopping expeditions, basically buys their love (which he possesses anyway). If we split up - which we will - the kids will choose to stay with him.

What recourse do I have? I don't know how to defend myself in this situation, but I feel he is being extremely manipulative and cruel.
I feel lost and very frightened.

Does this constitute obvious emotional abuse? Can he get away with this behavior legally?
 



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