Domestic Abuse Charges Hinder Job Hunt

[Employable]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)?

I could use some advice quickly because there is a chance the victim boyfriend would speak and/or write in my defense for my job hunt. My work prospects are hindered bcse of domestic violence charges, violating a no-contact order and trespassing. Prior to these (from this one relationship with a hot-tempered much younger man whom I resided with at his house), I had no previous record other than traffic, and those were not as serious of a charge as these. I am in my fifties and please read me out without perceiving excuses; I make none.

The economy here in MI is very bad, and where I once had government employment, temp work and legal secretarial, it has been tough for years now to get any job, let alone enough hours and pay to support myself, which I always have, never having to collect unemployment. No children, not married. I now have been reduced to sheltered living, and at present a college instructor of mine is helping me to stay at a coop house.

When 3 years ago I lived w/brother & we had a falling-out, my then new boyfriend opened his home to me. It wasn't my preference, but I was in a tough spot, only working part-time in a cafe. I have good clerical skills, but had worked other jobs to try to stay afloat while seeking clerical. There was trouble at that cafe started by jealous long-time employees as I did my work with excellence and didn't hang with them. Then living with boyfriend out of town I was late one too many times and lost that job which left me a dependent for him.

Due to the stress of having no home, having lost a job and worrying about his perception of my dependency, along with my upbringing, I was enduring these huge stresses all at once, and I acted out by slapping his face in an argument when he was terribly hurtful. By this time, we had discussed marriage and I had developed a committed existence in the relationhsip, as he said he had.

When my father 36 years ago quit drinking, it was a few years after my brother and I had seen him physically abuse my mother from his inability to cope with jealous fears, only when he was drunk. He otherwise and all through his drinking years provided for the family, was an honest man who worked hard and did quality work; and he stopped abusing my mother, but drank several more years. Being a reader and trying to improve himself, finding the strength in God and elsewhee, he quit smoking and drinking when I was still a teen. They are retired, together and peacefully supportive of one another better than ever.

I don't believe that had anything to do with my behavior toward the boyfriend. In my analyzing my acts toward my boyfriend in the past almost two years we've been apart, I recollected the image I've seen many a time of the leading actress reacting byslapping the face of the fresh, offensive, hurtful man in front of her, out of indignance, hurt and anger, not out of normal behavior but because she was hurt and felt so wronged. I'm not intimidated easily from having been through much intimidation as a child witnessing abuse, but the slap was not analyzed by me while I was with him although I intended not to repeat it. However I did, when again boyfriend was verbally and emotionally abusive. To make matters worse, he had gone to my storage unit in many trips and brought everything I owned to his house, and there was no other place for me to station myself. In this state there is issued a "no-contact order" when domestic violence is committed. That means what it says, but he and I still wanted to make things work. Over time, I was oblivious to his deceitfully plotting behind my back. Being committed and trusting him, I sensed some suspicious instances, but when asked, he would lie to me (I know since then), telling me he wanted to be with me, loved me, he was having physical relations with me, but instigated my arrest behind my back for violating the no-contact order. Also on one occasion I was released from jail in winter, nothing but thin clothes on, no money and none of my belongings, no car, two miles from his house where my things were, so I set out walking to his house and when arrived, he was home from work, and had me arrested saying he dropped my things off at the jail. I learned he had, but the jail failed to cross-reference the property to know that it belonged to me, so hadn't given it to me. The judge was more severe each time. I had gotten in through a window, and so was charged with trespassing. The hyped charges were dropped, because I argued I was getting into where I lived and considered my residence. If not for my pointing this out, I might have been charged with B&E or home invasion. Legally I had been a resident in the sense that he had not evicted me that time while in jail he was instructed to send me the eviction notice.

I could have pursued complaining against him but my commitment, belief in his lies and experiences led me to be softer on him than he was on me. His abuse was thus not reported by me, and consisted of: rushing at me, holding me against furniture and wall, shoving me down onto furniture, onto the floor, restraining me painfully and not relenting when I complained, not moving when I repeatedly told him I couldn't breathe, spitting on me, pulling my hair, ripping my clothes, holding me on the floor on top of me, his hands on my wrists and using my hands to hit my head where I have hair, banging his forehead against mine as he restrained me, throwing open the bathroom door where I was when angry, kicking it in on one occasion which broke the molding off, and similar. Such behaviors were not officially reported by me, because I did think about his future, a record I didn't want to give him. Had I known he was lying to me and betraying me in the ways that I know now, I might have acted differently. It is nearly 2 years since he last committed violence toward me, the day before my November birthday he had me on the floor and broke a large bowl, plus grabbed a hot pot of soup out of my hand and threw it into the sink. He used to lock me out, threatening to have me arrested if I didn't go away when he was ticked off (when I had no job, car, money and he lived in a rural area), and much of this my attorney told me in jail he too could be charged with.

I am not the most secure person, so had guilt over beginning the arguments; however in retrospect I feel he began them also by taking the low road of deceit which I picked up on, asked him about but could not get to the truth of; sometimes this led us to discord. In the past I have held good jobs (clerical). I believe I acted largely out of ignorance that slapping his face in response to his offensive behaviors and words would be considered domestic violence. I was also put in desparate circumstances by his having me arrested and not having the no-contact order lifted as he had said he would, so that my returning to his house could be considered a crime.

Given that he has enjoyed his job and no run-ins with the law due to my choices on his behalf, and given that the statute of limitations is not over until November for me to complain about his behavior, I feel that he could be willing to vouch for my not having bothered him since, and to offer some mitigating statements that might soften the perception of a potential employer. This I believe could help me secure a new beginning in a job; I deserve to be able to support myself. I have already had to change my major (now only a student), and I feel I am relatively saddled with a life sentence in many ways, unfairly.

I have thoroughly analyzed how I came to act out as I did, learned how wrong it is regardless of what was once considered acceptable (movies and shows as I grew up portrayed scenes where the slap was preceded and followed by closeness of the couples many times; it was never an issue in itself and never addressed as something to complain to authorities about), and resolved with my faith in God and with Him as my witness that nothing like this will happen again. I never used physical violence to intimidate or control, it was always reactionary to being offended and emotionally abused and hurt from name-calling, devaluing comments, and feeling devastated by hurtful things he would say when he was upset.

WOULD YOU PLEASE ADVISE IN YOUR BEST ESTIMATION THE SORTS OF THINGS HE COULD STATE (truthfully)if it should be that he is willing to do so? I know you don't know me, but you can take my word that I don't live violently, don't believe in it, have not stalked him, would not abuse him or anyone even in the way that I did, ever again, and I have left him alone, working on trying to get to a better place in my life. My Christian elders of the church I've attended took me in and helped me get a temporary part-time job the last time I was released from jail. In my estimation, I have potential but even so, having been in many interviews and with jobs as difficult to come by as they are here, employers will go with someone equally qualified with no record unless I can stand out to them which I believe I could, with some statement of support from the boyfriend that will mitigate understandable concerns. I can think of many things he might say, but would particulary appreciate a response from a legal authority. IF ANY FACTUAL INFO CAN BE PROVIDED ON WHETHER DOMESTIC ABUSE CAN BE EXPUNGED IN MICHIGAN AND RELATED, THAT WOULD ALSO BE MOST APPRECIATED. BUT FOR STARTERS, WHAT CAN BOYFRIEND STATE OR WRITE THAT WOULD HELP ME SECURE A JOB, IF HE WILL BE OF A MIND TO HELP?

Thank you in advance, please do respond.

Employable 

[Proserpina]

Due to the stress of having no home, having lost a job and worrying about his perception of my dependency, along with my upbringing, I was enduring these huge stresses all at once, and I acted out by slapping his face in an argument when he was terribly hurtful.

So you assaulted him.

By this time, we had discussed marriage and I had developed a committed existence in the relationhsip, as he said he had.

(paragraph pertaining to God and OP's history)

Leave both God and your Dad out of it - honestly, it's just not relevant.

I don't believe that had anything to do with my behavior toward the boyfriend.
In my analyzing my acts toward my boyfriend in the past almost two years we've been apart, I recollected the image I've seen many a time of the leading actress reacting byslapping the face of the fresh, offensive, hurtful man in front of her, out of indignance, hurt and anger, not out of normal behavior but because she was hurt and felt so wronged.

You are an adult. You know that life is not a movie set.

I'm not intimidated easily from having been through much intimidation as a child witnessing abuse, but the slap was not analyzed by me while I was with him although I intended not to repeat it. However I did, when again boyfriend was verbally and emotionally abusive. To make matters worse, he had gone to my storage unit in many trips and brought everything I owned to his house, and there was no other place for me to station myself. In this state there is issued a "no-contact order" when domestic violence is committed. That means what it says, but he and I still wanted to make things work. Over time, I was oblivious to his deceitfully plotting behind my back. Being committed and trusting him, I sensed some suspicious instances, but when asked, he would lie to me (I know since then), telling me he wanted to be with me, loved me, he was having physical relations with me, but instigated my arrest behind my back for violating the no-contact order.

Regardless you still violated the order.

Also on one occasion I was released from jail in winter, nothing but thin clothes on, no money and none of my belongings, no car, two miles from his house where my things were, so I set out walking to his house and when arrived, he was home from work, and had me arrested saying he dropped my things off at the jail. I learned he had, but the jail failed to cross-reference the property to know that it belonged to me, so hadn't given it to me.

You couldn't have called him first?

The judge was more severe each time. I had gotten in through a window, and so was charged with trespassing.

You entered without permission? Why?!

The hyped charges were dropped, because I argued I was getting into where I lived and considered my residence. If not for my pointing this out, I might have been charged with B&E or home invasion. Legally I had been a resident in the sense that he had not evicted me that time while in jail he was instructed to send me the eviction notice.

I think you'll find that with you incarcerated the rules may just be a little more lax in terms of how to serve you with an eviction notice.

I could have pursued complaining against him but my commitment, belief in his lies and experiences led me to be softer on him than he was on me. His abuse was thus not reported by me, and consisted of: rushing at me, holding me against furniture and wall, shoving me down onto furniture, onto the floor, restraining me painfully and not relenting when I complained, not moving when I repeatedly told him I couldn't breathe, spitting on me, pulling my hair, ripping my clothes, holding me on the floor on top of me, his hands on my wrists and using my hands to hit my head where I have hair, banging his forehead against mine as he restrained me, throwing open the bathroom door where I was when angry, kicking it in on one occasion which broke the molding off, and similar. Such behaviors were not officially reported by me, because I did think about his future, a record I didn't want to give him.

If you did not report them they effectively didn't happen at all. You can't use this against him.

Had I known he was lying to me and betraying me in the ways that I know now, I might have acted differently. It is nearly 2 years since he last committed violence toward me, the day before my November birthday he had me on the floor and broke a large bowl, plus grabbed a hot pot of soup out of my hand and threw it into the sink. He used to lock me out, threatening to have me arrested if I didn't go away when he was ticked off (when I had no job, car, money and he lived in a rural area), and much of this my attorney told me in jail he too could be charged with.

So you didn't press charges at all after the violence?

I am not the most secure person, so had guilt over beginning the arguments; however in retrospect I feel he began them also by taking the low road of deceit which I picked up on, asked him about but could not get to the truth of; sometimes this led us to discord. In the past I have held good jobs (clerical). I believe I acted largely out of ignorance that slapping his face in response to his offensive behaviors and words would be considered domestic violence. I was also put in desparate circumstances by his having me arrested and not having the no-contact order lifted as he had said he would, so that my returning to his house could be considered a crime.

Hold it. The only person responsible for you being in such desperate circumstances is you. You assaulted him.

Given that he has enjoyed his job and no run-ins with the law due to my choices on his behalf, and given that the statute of limitations is not over until November for me to complain about his behavior, I feel that he could be willing to vouch for my not having bothered him since, and to offer some mitigating statements that might soften the perception of a potential employer.

Oh no you don't. If you failed to report the incident then you do not get to blackmail him now.

This I believe could help me secure a new beginning in a job; I deserve to be able to support myself. I have already had to change my major (now only a student), and I feel I am relatively saddled with a life sentence in many ways, unfairly.

You are responsible for your current situation. Nobody else.

I have thoroughly analyzed how I came to act out as I did, learned how wrong it is regardless of what was once considered acceptable (movies and shows as I grew up portrayed scenes where the slap was preceded and followed by closeness of the couples many times; it was never an issue in itself and never addressed as something to complain to authorities about), and resolved with my faith in God and with Him as my witness that nothing like this will happen again.

Do not use this as an excuse. Or reasoning. You will be destroyed in a court room if you do this. You're not a child, you haven't been secluded from the media for the past 50 years - you know that violence is NOT acceptable in this situation.

I never used physical violence to intimidate or control, it was always reactionary to being offended and emotionally abused and hurt from name-calling, devaluing comments, and feeling devastated by hurtful things he would say when he was upset.

You used physical violence against him. You had no right to do that.

WOULD YOU PLEASE ADVISE IN YOUR BEST ESTIMATION THE SORTS OF THINGS HE COULD STATE (truthfully)if it should be that he is willing to do so? I know you don't know me, but you can take my word that I don't live violently, don't believe in it, have not stalked him, would not abuse him or anyone even in the way that I did, ever again, and I have left him alone, working on trying to get to a better place in my life. My Christian elders of the church I've attended took me in and helped me get a temporary part-time job the last time I was released from jail.

The last time? How many times have there been?

In my estimation, I have potential but even so, having been in many interviews and with jobs as difficult to come by as they are here, employers will go with someone equally qualified with no record unless I can stand out to them which I believe I could, with some statement of support from the boyfriend that will mitigate understandable concerns.

Um..no. Just no.

I can think of many things he might say, but would particulary appreciate a response from a legal authority. IF ANY FACTUAL INFO CAN BE PROVIDED ON WHETHER DOMESTIC ABUSE CAN BE EXPUNGED IN MICHIGAN AND RELATED, THAT WOULD ALSO BE MOST APPRECIATED. BUT FOR STARTERS, WHAT CAN BOYFRIEND STATE OR WRITE THAT WOULD HELP ME SECURE A JOB, IF HE WILL BE OF A MIND TO HELP?

Thank you in advance, please do respond.

Employable 

You boyfriend can do absolutely nothing whatsoever to help you get a job. Do you seriously think that him making a statement will somehow persuade a prospective employer that "it wasn't really domestic violence, there were ABC reasons for it so you shouldn't hold that against me"? I'm not being snarky or sarcastic here - I'm genuinely astonished that you would think this is even plausible.

[Employable]

[font="Arial Narrow"]What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)?
Reply: Would Ask Consideration of the Following

So you assaulted him.

I was not needing a restatement of my offense. You don't sound like a legal representative, am I correct, or not in defense? I need helpful counsel; I have been punished, & continue to endure hardship, w/a relatively positive attitude.

Leave both God and your Dad out of it . . .

I refer to that I am like my dad who continues learning/improving himself through life. I state these to show causes considered and good faith.

[b]You are an adult. You know that life is not a movie set.B]

Yes, not necessary to state. Since I caused myself to have a record, it was w/ diligence that I sought to understand why I slapped when not a violent person. There are usually causes; movies, music & TV & ads, etc., tend to reflect societal norms."Slaps by Chipps Cooney” at Youtube will show what I refer to. In the eras before and during my youth, slapping was not unacceptable when severely offended, hurt, etc. It was not considered a crime as it is today. Note men receiving the slap did not retaliate; “domestic violence” was not mentioned. This didn’t get changed in my thinking and by the time I did it, it was violence; unfortunately I had viewed it differently. I would add that what I did was not: ". . . systematic pattern of abusive behavior w/ intent to gain & maintain power & control over another person." I didn’t threaten, infer, plan, think of or try to use it. I’m not making excuses. It was wrong.

Regardless you still violated . . . .

I regret that I did not know of many resources I now know of. Residing w/ him was encouraged by his saying he wanted me to, & would be lifting the no-contact order. W/no job, money & a car that died as I became more depressed & couldn't replace med, plus feared arrest for being seen near him, all too much for me to finesse. I had always worked & supported myself, until economy shifted. I was very anxious & depressed, hanging onto his words that he cared . . . ignorant they were placating empty words while he plotted.

You couldn't have called him first?

By this time I had suspected he could have had to do w/ my having been placed in jail for violating the no-contact order. I expected he was working, 45 mins from there but after walking a long way, I did try calling from a borrowed business phone but got no one. A window was how I learned to get in when locked out. This had been my residence; I needed warmth, clothing, chump change left there & personal items. Released, you’re in unwashed clothes, less presentable & not a magnet for offers of free help.

You entered w/out permission? Why?!

The no-contact order we violated didn't negate this had been my legal residence many months where all my things were. I feared his reaction but where was I to go, winter snow on the ground, no nothing in a rural area? I know more resources now; I loved him then and hoped things would work out.

I think you'll find that w/ you incarcerated the rules may just be a little more lax in terms of how to serve you w/ an eviction notice.

My points were these. His house had been my "legal" residence with no eviction proceeding and once I arrived his calling and having me arrested was within an hour of my leaving the jail; they hadn’t given my property to me so I thought it was at his house. Having gotten in my legal residence thru a window, at court there was talk of "Home Invasion," "B&E," & my court-appointed encouraged me to plead to . . . but I felt the plea was unjust & saw both charges as nonapplicable. It was my legal residence. Due to the truth in this as I had not been evicted, there was no basis for either charge, & it was reduced to trespassing. Subsequently boyfriend was instructed to mail eviction notice to me via U.S. mail, I assume for potential future offense(s) & this was done. Your comment sounded snide and was unhelpful.

If you did not report them they effectively didn't happen at all. You can't use this against him.

His abuses happened, but I didn't report them. Was unaware he was behind my legal & thought we would get past all to a better state. IS STATUTE OF LIMITATIONS OF 2 YEARS FOR THOSE SEVERELY INJURED OR FOR OTHER REASON(S)?? How all of this occurred was underhanded & unfair to me when we were both guilty. I don't desire to report him & create a record. [i]What I've thought: If he could realize all that I didn't do to him & could have/still could, it might soften his attitude toward helping because he knows I didn’t report him and he knows he escalated things; he was not out to destroy me from my sense of him.
He has a job and knows I had good ones. Seems he would not wish my demise through inability to get a decent job. I spoke w/ a sergeant today for info but not w/ a specific plan. I didn't have "blackmail" in mind as you unfortunately concluded and accused; but that I've suffered and will have more difficulty; that the entire truth is unknown to other than him & me. In response to:

You boyfriend can do absolutely nothing whatsoever to help you get a job. . . .

Being in clerical in government offices & private corporations, I've been to many interviews. Interviewers are human, & mitigating-type considerations are not unheard of if they like your interview & skills. When I told the sergeant I had worked there LONG ago, & that my convictions were misdemeanors he told me about their background check, that the type of position sought would matter relevent to types of charges, that they value truthfulness. He said that in a charge such as mine, they would typically talk w/ the partner; that whether the report were positive, or negative & differing vastly from what applicant disclosed would determine whether consideration for the position would be made. This is the type of advice I was asking for in my original posting; what might the boyfriend address that would serve to be the most comprehensively helpful, given the circumstances, from a legal standpoint.
Glancing over your remaining comments, I’ve replied. Are you a licensed attorney? [u]If not, I would like to hear from a licensed attorney on the these 3 questions, 2 of which were in my first posting: 1. If the boyfriend is of a mind to be supportive, what is the most effective thing he could address (given it is true, of course); 2. Is Domestic Violence able to be expunged in Michigan & after how long . . . ; & 3. Why is the statute of limitations for Domestic Violence 2 years if people say it's too late to report it now – [u]I would like to know if there is a way to make my side of the story known w/out having the boyfriend be placed under arrest--is there any way to make my account as much a part of the record as his account & would I need an attorney for this?. If your intent was to be helpful, thank you.

[Ohiogal]

Lady you got your answers. You don't like them but that is YOUR issue. You broke the law on numerous occasions and there are consequences. The fact that consequences seem harsh to you is not our fault. It is YOURS.

[cyjeff]

I agree.

You seem to think that it is okay to break the law if you have a really good reason for doing so.

You would be incorrect.

[Proserpina]

He said that in a charge such as mine, they would typically talk w/ the partner; that whether the report were positive, or negative & differing vastly from what applicant disclosed would determine whether consideration for the position would be made.

Exactly how would they ascertain whether the victim is genuinely telling the truth or is actually telling a huge lie because they're terrified of what will happen if they don't play it down?

There is a reason why the DA will often prosecute a DV case even if the victim recants - because the courts know that many victims will be bullied or manipulated into doing so simply out of fear.

And you have been answered by a licensed attorney - OhioGAL.

[Blue Meanie]

lol! I have seen many excuses posted here for a person assaulting their partner...But "I saw it in a movie" is a first. What a loser.

[cyjeff]

Originally Posted by Blue Meanie

lol! I have seen many excuses posted here for a person assaulting their partner...But "I saw it in a movie" is a first. What a loser.

Yeah... I am glad she didn't get mad at the neighbor and blow their house up cause she saw it on "24".

I saw it on TV so I know it must be true.

[Hisbabygirl77]

Originally Posted by cyjeff

Yeah... I am glad she didn't get mad at the neighbor and blow their house up cause she saw it on "24".

I saw it on TV so I know it must be true.

Dont give her any ideas! I can see it on the news now but but on freeadvice.com they said I could!

[Proserpina]

I refer to that I am like my dad who continues learning/improving himself through life. I state these to show causes considered and good faith.

No, you stated those things to try and impress upon us the idea that you are a law-abiding woman of faith who obviously made a mistake and therefore should not be treated so harshly by the system.

The reality is you assaulted your ex, and now want him to bolster your chances at getting a job by downplaying the event.

Yes, not necessary to state. Since I caused myself to have a record, it was w/ diligence that I sought to understand why I slapped when not a violent person. There are usually causes; movies, music & TV & ads, etc., tend to reflect societal norms."Slaps by Chipps Cooney” at Youtube will show what I refer to. In the eras before and during my youth, slapping was not unacceptable when severely offended, hurt, etc. It was not considered a crime as it is today. Note men receiving the slap did not retaliate; “domestic violence” was not mentioned. This didn’t get changed in my thinking and by the time I did it, it was violence; unfortunately I had viewed it differently.

Again unless you have been sequestered from popular culture for the past 30-odd years your rationalization here is not going to work in court.

I would add that what I did was not: ". . . systematic pattern of abusive behavior w/ intent to gain & maintain power & control over another person."

Should we only be concerned about systematic and repeated abuse?

By this time I had suspected he could have had to do w/ my having been placed in jail for violating the no-contact order. I expected he was working, 45 mins from there but after walking a long way, I did try calling from a borrowed business phone but got no one. A window was how I learned to get in when locked out. This had been my residence; I needed warmth, clothing, chump change left there & personal items. Released, you’re in unwashed clothes, less presentable & not a magnet for offers of free help.

This does not make it OK to enter that place where the victim of the no-contact order lives - whether you once lived there, currently live there or anything else. His right to safety by far trumps your need of somewhere to stay.

[i]What I've thought: If he could realize all that I didn't do to him & could have/still could, it might soften his attitude toward helping because he knows I didn’t report him and he knows he escalated things; he was not out to destroy me from my sense of him.

(from your second post)

And from your first post:

Given that he has enjoyed his job and no run-ins with the law due to my choices on his behalf, and given that the statute of limitations is not over until November for me to complain about his behavior, I feel that he could be willing to vouch for my not having bothered him since, and to offer some mitigating statements that might soften the perception of a potential employer.

I didn't have "blackmail" in mind as you unfortunately concluded and accused; but that I've suffered and will have more difficulty; that the entire truth is unknown to other than him & me.

And you honestly, truly cannot see how these words fall very easily into the realm of blackmail?

You assaulted him. You are close to thinking about blackmailing him (you did note that you still have time to make a criminal report against him and this should persuade him to do what you ask ). You cannot see that what has happened is nobody else's fault but your own.

It's not TV.
It's not the media.
It's not your ex.
It's not your father, your history, your background, your future - it's none of that.