father is a child molester

[Hairrzr]

What is the name of your state? California

I was just told by my 13 year old daughter that her father molested her 5 years ago. He is currently in Nebraska jail waiting for trial for another girl he molested. I need to know in what order do I take action. Also, since he may do time in Nebraska, how do I get him to california to press charges on him since the crime was done here.

I am at a loss of what steps to take before the statue of limitations is up which is in 2 years.

Thanks and please no sarcastic comments.

Melinda

 

[Illinois Parent]

God help you, but this is going to be tough. And it will probably get worse before it gets better, but I wish you all the strength and luck in the world.

Please understand, these are my opinions and what I would do:

First, contact a sexual assault victims services provider. Even if all you can find is something listed for women, start there. They may be able to refer you on. I would also look specifically for support groups or services for victims of incest. Again, if for nothing else than referrals, it won't be a wasted effort.

Once you have some emotional support for you and your daughter, they can then guide you on how to proceed legally. Often, they offer legal advocacy services, which means someone to come with you to the District Attorney's office. They will also be able to help prepare you for the questions you will get and what kind of evidence or documentation you will be asked about.
They should also be able to tell you, realistically, how far this will go. They will know if the DA in your area is notorious for demanding all kinds of incontrovertible proof like eye witnesses or confessions, or if they will proceed with 'soft' evidence such as the child's testimony.

I must also add a word of caution here. There is great debate amongst experts on whether or not it is ultimately more damaging to the child to go forward with charges and a trial. Some say that the trauma of reliving the events, facing their molester, particularly if that molester is a parent, and being subject to cross-examination is worth the emotional cost to the child. Counselors are going to spend a lot of time working with your child to help her understand how she is not in any way responsible for any part of this. Going to court, having a 'say' in his prosecution, in some opinions, undermines that effort. Some say the exact opposite.

Others say that the child, having been the ultimate vicitm, completely powerless, is thus given the opportunity to take back power over themselves. Which I tend to agree with, if there is a conviction and significant sentence. The only problem is, if there isn't a conviction, or there is an inconsequential sentence, helping that child to reclaim that power is very difficult.

In my opinion, most of the answers to the above depend first on the child. Only you, with the help of experienced counselors, can make that decision. The other major consideration is the cost benefit analysis...what is the benefit of the most probable outcome, and is it worth the cost of the trauma it will take to get there. Again, the temperment, personailty and strength of the individual child is the biggest factor in that equation.

I wish you luck. These are the hardest decisions a parent can make. It may turn out that you decide, as many others have, that it is simply not worth the pain and trauma your child would have to go through. If that is the case, take solace in the fact that he is already tried and convicted. With that alone, you should be able to get any parental rights he has stripped. Permanently. That, afterall, is the most important thing here...that he can never hurt your child again. And as a registered sex offender, the rest of the world will also have some measure of protection from him.

And if anyone EVER questions your decisions, remember this. YOU didnt do this to this child, nor would you have allowed it had you known. NO, it is not possible to ALWAYS know these things. These things have been going on forever...there have always been sick, twisted b@astards masquerading as human and you are not in any way shape or form responsible. Base your actions from this moment forward on what you believe to be in the best interest of your child and no one, not even the child, will be able to hold you responsible.

 

[charlie neville]

Illinois parent...

...while I agree with your post in general I take you to task over the following;

"Base your actions from this moment forward on what you believe to be in the best interest of your child and no one, not even the child, will be able to hold you responsible."

We are each responsible for all our actions, never forget that. Know what you do and do it with that in mind.

charlie

 

[Hairrzr]

Thank to the both of you for your reply.

I think I will do what makes my daughter comfortable, although the whole situation is not that way. She is strong and is willing to tell the right people, and in fact is anxious to do so. I have re-enforced her that it not her fault and that I am proud of her for being brave enough to come forward and to do the right thing.

Her dad is still waiting for his court date and I don't know what will happen if he doesn't commint suicide first. For him it would be the easy way out.

She has handled this pretty well but it answers a lot of questions about the past.

Me? I am still in shock but dont want to over react and have her shut down with me. I want her to trust her information with me or a counseler. I am a victim myself and never spoke out.

Thanks for your support in responding

Melinda

 

[Illinois Dad]

You need to get your daughter into counseling ASAP. Not just counseling, but you need to find a crisis counselor. Find a women's shelter or rape crisis center in your area and call them now. This kind of trauma requires very specific types of counseling and not all Pshychologists or social workers are equipped to handle it. This is a very uneducated opinion, but the fact that your daughter seems to be handling this so well tells me she is likely suffering from post traumatic stress disorder. The feelings she should be having now are supressed, but they will surface and the longer it takes the less prepared everyone will be to handle them. Act now, please!!!

Also, you should consider talking to this counselor yourself. You need to be prepared to help your daughter and in order to do that you need to deal with your own experiences. I know, you are fine...but supression isn't the same as dealing with something. Think about it and good luck.

 

[Hairrzr]

I went to the social worker and began the first steps in getting my daughter help. After today I wait for someone to call me from a crisis center.

I do believe you when you say that her feelings have surpressed and she needs to get it out and in the open.

I found that the more people I told, the easier it was to talk about it. I think that is why I am willing to do what it takes to get her the right help.

thanks

 

[Halcyon]

My heart goes out to you. I just want to tell you that it is a blessing that your daughter disclosed to you. Whatever happens, the important thing now is for her to get the therapy necessary to completely heal from this and move on. Someone very close to me was horribly molested many times as a child (over 40 years ago), never got any help, and has endured devastating problems throughout life that have effected relationships. Not all therapists are competent, however. Some "plant" ideas as if they are some sort of emotional voyeurs or something. Your daughter's reality is enough to deal with; she doesn't need any extra burdens. Best wishes to both of you. I believe people can use such suffering to become extraordinarily strong and compassionate individuals.