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Father with full custody, now accused of abuse after 8yrs of sole custody.

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jessieyka

Junior Member
What is the name of your state: PA
My girlfriend and I had a child, 6yrs down the line things got sour. We separated and she made a false claim of abuse on my daughter and herself. She was awarded a protection order and had me put in jail for violation for two days for calling my cell phone which she had. At the end of it all everything was overturned, I was found innocent and granted sole custody, because based on evidence she was not a fit mother. Today 7yrs later, I still have full custody and her mother picks her up once a week, and maybe one day every wknd. She does not pay child support, does not buy her clothes, food, sneakers, uniforms..NOTHING! My only daughter is 13, misbehaving, lying, failing school, and performing acts of sex. I have done everything in my power to talk, advice, punish, but nothing worked, and so I lost control and hit her with a belt. Now I have lost temporary custody, have a restraining order, a DHS social worker, and a potential criminal record. This was all done by her mother, and I am at a loss as what to do. I am not an abusive father, I just made a mistake. What can I do
 


Proserpina

Senior Member
What is the name of your state: PA
My girlfriend and I had a child, 6yrs down the line things got sour. We separated and she made a false claim of abuse on my daughter and herself. She was awarded a protection order and had me put in jail for violation for two days for calling my cell phone which she had. At the end of it all everything was overturned, I was found innocent and granted sole custody, because based on evidence she was not a fit mother. Today 7yrs later, I still have full custody and her mother picks her up once a week, and maybe one day every wknd. She does not pay child support, does not buy her clothes, food, sneakers, uniforms..NOTHING! My only daughter is 13, misbehaving, lying, failing school, and performing acts of sex. I have done everything in my power to talk, advice, punish, but nothing worked, and so I lost control and hit her with a belt. Now I have lost temporary custody, have a restraining order, a DHS social worker, and a potential criminal record. This was all done by her mother, and I am at a loss as what to do. I am not an abusive father, I just made a mistake. What can I do

In all honesty Dad, you've messed up hugely here.

Mom only has very limited visitation - whatever is happening to cause your daughter to act up is happening on your "shift", if you will.

You need an attorney - and expect to lose custody without one (or even with one).

And seriously - you do NOT hit a child with a belt.

This strongly reminds me of a fairly recent Youtube video which went viral.
 

st-kitts

Member
What is the name of your state: PA
so I lost control and hit her with a belt. Now I have lost temporary custody, have a restraining order, a DHS social worker, and a potential criminal record. This was all done by her mother, and I am at a loss as what to do. I am not an abusive father, I just made a mistake. What can I do
You need an attorney to advise you on how to handle DHS and the potential criminal charges.

Second, you need to look in the mirror and do some soul searching. If you had sole custody and the mother had only visits for 7 years, how do you rationalize your child's misbehavior is her mother's fault? You have been the primary influence in the child's life for the past 7 years. While the absence of her mother or troubles with her mother may certainly cause her emotional distress, you as the parent with full custody had the responsibility to address her emotional troubles before it reached this point through counseling, positive influences, etc.

Today, you might be well served to enroll in some parenting courses especially ones that deal with the teenage years. If you do get this child back, her troubles will likely be more, not less, and the belt or any other form of corporal punishment isn't going to be the solution for her or you. For now, you are going to have to jump through whatever hoops DHS puts out there to maintain your relationship with your child and hire an attorney to speak for you.
 

jessieyka

Junior Member
Thank you for the feed back, but in my defense I took all action before it went this far. I spoke to her and her counselors at school. I even called dhs myself prior to this so they can offer us family counseling which they did. Hitting was my last resort, not my first. The little time she spends with her mother is enough time to do damage. She is a drop out...public assistance, works at a pizza place and is a pill popper. My daughter complains all the time of the heavy smoking and how she is the adult in that house. There are no rules, no structure. I have never hit my daughter before but as a single father who hears of the things m:confused:y daughter is doing in school really made me angry. Ive tried everything and nothing seems to work. I just dont understand how from one mistake I can be stripped of my rights just like that, but if the tables.were turned they would offer anything and everything to help the child and parent get through this. I feel like Im being rreated different because I am the father who has full custody. She was unfit before and still is. How can they do that?:mad:
 

jessieyka

Junior Member
Again in my defense. My child is a teenager who wants to many feedoms that are not allowed in my home. Like facebook, which she still got behind my back, going to the mall alone, again lied and said she was with friend and mother. Kissing boys in school, among other worse things. I have always taught my child right from wrong, the value of responsibilitg,and hard work. Does that necessarily mean she will follow it because I have instilled it? No, it doesnt...all I can do is plant.the seed the rest was up to her.
 

Proserpina

Senior Member
Thank you for the feed back, but in my defense I took all action before it went this far. I spoke to her and her counselors at school. I even called dhs myself prior to this so they can offer us family counseling which they did. Hitting was my last resort, not my first. The little time she spends with her mother is enough time to do damage. She is a drop out...public assistance, works at a pizza place and is a pill popper. My daughter complains all the time of the heavy smoking and how she is the adult in that house. There are no rules, no structure. I have never hit my daughter before but as a single father who hears of the things m:confused:y daughter is doing in school really made me angry. Ive tried everything and nothing seems to work. I just dont understand how from one mistake I can be stripped of my rights just like that, but if the tables.were turned they would offer anything and everything to help the child and parent get through this. I feel like Im being rreated different because I am the father who has full custody. She was unfit before and still is. How can they do that?:mad:


It has nothing to do with your gender - it has everything to do with you assaulting your child.

Again, you've had virtually sole custody all this time. When did you put her in therapy? How much intensive counseling has she had? In-patient therapy?
 

Proserpina

Senior Member
Again in my defense. My child is a teenager who wants to many feedoms that are not allowed in my home. Like facebook, which she still got behind my back, going to the mall alone, again lied and said she was with friend and mother. Kissing boys in school, among other worse things. I have always taught my child right from wrong, the value of responsibilitg,and hard work. Does that necessarily mean she will follow it because I have instilled it? No, it doesnt...all I can do is plant.the seed the rest was up to her.

Instilling and enforcing are two entirely different things.
 

MichaCA

Senior Member
If hitting her with a belt was your last resort, I hate to think what the next step would have been. Because I feel pretty sure her behavior isn't going to change for the better when she's treated like that. How do I know? I have a 13 year old who is quite independent minded. It takes a lot of work for some parents - me - to learn how to parent a teen. My current favorite book "Yes, Your Teen is Crazy", coming up in June, a parenting class. On-going therapy.

Our daughters father also abused her...I have no doubt with the same feeling. That was a year and a half ago and I still have physical custody...a whole nother story...but IMO dad is not owning up to heal their relationship.

Sorry to preach...but this hit close to home and I have thought and researched and...
IMO you need to stop defending your abusive action NOW and start owning up that what you did was wrong and very, very hurtful to your daughter on so many levels. I would immediately get support somewhere...a mens anger group, a counselor at a domestic violence shelter...to start to understand the effects of this on your child. I say that as the only shot you MAY have at regaining custody any time soon is you need to not defend but start showing up and show you know your were wrong and ARE WILLING TO CHANGE. Get counseling on how to make amends to your daughter...after that request reunification counseling begin with daughter - but please, not until you are stable in yourself enough to make sincere amends.

The system will help you if you do your footwork.

And by the way, IMO the things your daughter was doing weren't so terrible. They needed good parenting response yes...but not abnormal. I hope you take the steps I suggested so you can learn how to do things better. Otherwise, you may have seriously alienated your daughter, and it can perpetuate...trust me.
 

stealth2

Under the Radar Member
Again in my defense. My child is a teenager who wants to many feedoms that are not allowed in my home. Like facebook, which she still got behind my back, going to the mall alone, again lied and said she was with friend and mother. Kissing boys in school, among other worse things. I have always taught my child right from wrong, the value of responsibilitg,and hard work. Does that necessarily mean she will follow it because I have instilled it? No, it doesnt...all I can do is plant.the seed the rest was up to her.
At 13? I don't see a problem with FB, nor going to the mall with a friend w/o adult supervision. Nor, really... kissing boys. I'm going to assume that "other worse things" are along the lines of oral sex. Which... at her age? Has a lot to do with self-esteem. Or really, lack of it.

Is she in counseling? Not via the school, but outside of it with a real, licensed therapist?

But I'm going to tell you... If my ex whipped either of our kids with a belt? I would do exactly as yours did. That is NOT an appropriate response.
 

Antigone*

Senior Member
Again in my defense. My child is a teenager who wants to many feedoms that are not allowed in my home. Like facebook, which she still got behind my back, going to the mall alone, again lied and said she was with friend and mother. Kissing boys in school, among other worse things. I have always taught my child right from wrong, the value of responsibilitg,and hard work. Does that necessarily mean she will follow it because I have instilled it? No, it doesnt...all I can do is plant.the seed the rest was up to her.
Dad, it looks to me like you are in definite need of parenting classes.

And yes, if you hit your daughter with a belt, you are an abuser.
 

Ohiogal

Queen Bee
Should we compare the facts?

From op's other thread



PA: My fiance has sole physical/legal custody,
Yet in this thread SHE is a he and has sole physical/legal custody.


the mother visits with her once a wk or one day every other wknd. Has been this way for the past eight years.
Though in this thread, written last month, it is only seven years:
Today 7yrs later, I still have full custody and her mother picks her up once a week, and maybe one day every wknd. She does not pay child support, does not buy her clothes, food, sneakers, uniforms..NOTHING!.
The child is 12,
13 in this thread:
My only daughter is 13,
This has remained consistent between this thread:
misbehaving, lying, failing school, and performing acts of sex.
and the other thread:
and.has been punished before for performing oral, and had counseling. Recently, she has been failing, kissing boys at school, and writing letters that were found saying that she hs sex and lots of it.
and this:
I have done everything in my power to talk, advice, punish, but nothing worked, and so I lost control and hit her with a belt.
with the other thread:

What did he do after talking, punishment, and taking away everything didnt work H hit her for th first time ever with a belt. Now he has criminal charges pending.. 2702 aggravated assault, 4304 endangering the welfare of a child, 907, possible instrument of crime with int, 2701 simpl assaul, and 2705 recklessly endangering another person. He has never been in any type of trouble before. We have no clue what will happen when he has to go to court. Any suggestions???? Mom now has child and child protective services and a restraining order is in place. Seems a bit extreme to me. He didnt break a limb, or draw blood. Not justifying, but when I read the definitions of theses charges it seems a bit much.
compared to this:
I have done everything in my power to talk, advice, punish, but nothing worked, and so I lost control and hit her with a belt. Now I have lost temporary custody, have a restraining order, a DHS social worker, and a potential criminal record. This was all done by her mother, and I am at a loss as what to do. I am not an abusive father, I just made a mistake. What can I do
Fantastic father and overstepping girlfriend posting from the same thread? Yet they don't agree on the age of the child (GREAT PARENTING THAT IS!) and the child has aged backwards. So what is the truth. Who is the poster actually? What facts are true.Mom by the way was blamed in both threads and yet she is not the abusive jerk who beat a child with a belt. She is however a scapegoat.
 

Bgood2me

Member
Another example of people not taking accountability for their actions. :(

I appreciate you Ohiogal. I admire your work and you inspire me to think with logic and not emotions. Thank you.
 

Ohiogal

Queen Bee
Another example of people not taking accountability for their actions. :(

I appreciate you Ohiogal. I admire your work and you inspire me to think with logic and not emotions. Thank you.
Careful -- that will get you in the mean girls club (or mean guys club). I've been accused many times because I refuse to sugarcoat my responses and answer methodically and bluntly.
 

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