Feeling helpless

[whatever2014]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? CO
My 46 year old daughter is an alcoholic and living with a man that hits her. She got drunk one day and fell down the stairs and struck her head. She began having seizures either from the fall or the alcohol. She is on seizure medication and receiving medical care compliments of the state as she has no job and no means of support. The man is a control freak and has blocked the phone numbers of her friends and family. He encourages her to drink, is a drunk himself, and he beats her and hits her in the face. Her low self esteem is the only reason I can think of that she lets him do this. She has a close male friend that will take her in if she stops drinking and she always can come home to us but she does not want to. Is there anything that Adult Protective Services can do? Law enforcement are aware of him and she has called them several times but apparently does not file a report. Do I have to just sit back and wait for him to kill her? Is there anything that we can do?

 

[Proserpina]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? CO
My 46 year old daughter is an alcoholic and living with a man that hits her. She got drunk one day and fell down the stairs and struck her head. She began having seizures either from the fall or the alcohol. She is on seizure medication and receiving medical care compliments of the state as she has no job and no means of support. The man is a control freak and has blocked the phone numbers of her friends and family. He encourages her to drink, is a drunk himself, and he beats her and hits her in the face. Her low self esteem is the only reason I can think of that she lets him do this. She has a close male friend that will take her in if she stops drinking and she always can come home to us but she does not want to. Is there anything that Adult Protective Services can do? Law enforcement are aware of him and she has called them several times but apparently does not file a report. Do I have to just sit back and wait for him to kill her? Is there anything that we can do?

Unfortunately, she has to want help. Being a victim of abuse does not mean that you're considered an adult in need of services.

I'm so sorry you have to watch this go down, but I can't see of any way to legally compel her to do anything, or to legally compel him to not do anything.

I'm going to suggest a site for you though. http://www.aardvarc.org/

It never hurts to have the information available.

 

[Ohiogal]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? CO
My 46 year old daughter is an alcoholic and living with a man that hits her. She got drunk one day and fell down the stairs and struck her head. She began having seizures either from the fall or the alcohol. She is on seizure medication and receiving medical care compliments of the state as she has no job and no means of support. The man is a control freak and has blocked the phone numbers of her friends and family. He encourages her to drink, is a drunk himself, and he beats her and hits her in the face. Her low self esteem is the only reason I can think of that she lets him do this. She has a close male friend that will take her in if she stops drinking and she always can come home to us but she does not want to. Is there anything that Adult Protective Services can do? Law enforcement are aware of him and she has called them several times but apparently does not file a report. Do I have to just sit back and wait for him to kill her? Is there anything that we can do?

Are you sure of what is happening? Does she hit the man? Is this mutual combat? If not, why not? She is a drunk per you and many drunks are violent. If your daughter had called them due to domestic violence, she wouldn't have to file a report if she had injuries.

 

[Proserpina]

Are you sure of what is happening? Does she hit the man? Is this mutual combat? If not, why not? She is a drunk per you and many drunks are violent. If your daughter had called them due to domestic violence, she wouldn't have to file a report if she had injuries.

And many drunks say mean things because their self-esteem has been battered so much it's the only sense of control that they have.

None of this however is actually relevant to OP.

 

[Zigner]

And many drunks say mean things because their self-esteem has been battered so much it's the only sense of control that they have.

None of this however is actually relevant to OP.

I disagree that it's not relevant. If this is a case of mutual combat, then both participants should go to jail.

 

[Ohiogal]

And many drunks say mean things because their self-esteem has been battered so much it's the only sense of control that they have.

None of this however is actually relevant to OP.

Actually it is relevant. What evidence exists that her daughter is a victim? The daughter refuses to file a report even though the police are called? Really? Considering in the vast majority of the country, if the police are called for domestic violence SOMEONE is going to jail, that is extremely relevant. If the daughter becomes violent and abusive while drunk, that is relevant. What also is relevant is that the OP doesn't have all the information. So yeah, it is EXTREMELY relevant what the actual facts are.

 

[Silverplum]

Yes, mandatory arrest laws in CO: http://www.avvo.com/legal-guides/ugc/8-things-to-know-about-domestic-violence-cases-in-colorado

If the woman (or anyone) called the police and there is any probable cause to think of DV, there will be an arrest or two.

 

[Proserpina]

Actually it is relevant. What evidence exists that her daughter is a victim? The daughter refuses to file a report even though the police are called? Really? Considering in the vast majority of the country, if the police are called for domestic violence SOMEONE is going to jail, that is extremely relevant. If the daughter becomes violent and abusive while drunk, that is relevant. What also is relevant is that the OP doesn't have all the information. So yeah, it is EXTREMELY relevant what the actual facts are.

OP is asking whether or not s/he can basically override the adult daughter's decision-making.

The only thing that's relevant to the OP, is the question of whether or not court can basically override the daughter's wishes based on her being an adult in need of services and give the OP the right to make such decisions.

Everything else is fluff.

(which is another reason I posted the very helpful and relevant link)

 

[Ohiogal]

OP is asking whether or not s/he can basically override the adult daughter's decision-making.

The only thing that's relevant to the OP, is the question of whether or not court can basically override the daughter's wishes based on her being an adult in need of services and give the OP the right to make such decisions.

Everything else is fluff.

(which is another reason I posted the very helpful and relevant link)

And unless she has evidence of why she thinks the daughter is in need of services (which she doesn't) that is a no go. And yes it is relevant if her daughter is not being truthful to her. Or if her daughter is the issue. And I don't see where she wants to override her daughter necessarily as much as she wants to know if she do anything to protect her daughter -- such as filing a criminal complaint or such. She can't. And if her daughter had called the police, and there was ANY EVIDENCE of her daughter being a victim, the police would have done something. So OP's daughter is not being honest.

 

[Ladyback1]

And unless she has evidence of why she thinks the daughter is in need of services (which she doesn't) that is a no go. And yes it is relevant if her daughter is not being truthful to her. Or if her daughter is the issue. And I don't see where she wants to override her daughter necessarily as much as she wants to know if she do anything to protect her daughter -- such as filing a criminal complaint or such. She can't.

Anyone, at any time, can file a complaint with Adult Protective Services or Child Protective Services. (Most jurisdictions even have a toll-free number to call...)
Whether that complaint is investigated, followed up on, etc. is dependent on what specifically the complaint involves, the details and/or any evidence to indicate that the complaint is valid.

 

[Proserpina]

And unless she has evidence of why she thinks the daughter is in need of services (which she doesn't) that is a no go. And yes it is relevant if her daughter is not being truthful to her. Or if her daughter is the issue. And I don't see where she wants to override her daughter necessarily as much as she wants to know if she do anything to protect her daughter -- such as filing a criminal complaint or such. She can't. And if her daughter had called the police, and there was ANY EVIDENCE of her daughter being a victim, the police would have done something. So OP's daughter is not being honest.

Which is why I made the suggestions I did.

Mom will understand the issues upon reading. After all, this isn't about the posters here agreeing or disagreeing - this is about trying to help Mom understand more clearly.

Non?

We all want Mom and Adult Child to be safe. And to know what is or isn't relevant, or possible.

 

[commentator]

My take on this, based on my experience with alcoholics and with domestic abuse victims is a little different here. While her mother may definitely see this as domestic abuse primarily, and the issue totally that the man hits her (when, as Ohio pointed out, it may not be so much one sided) and that we are dealing with a victim in a domestic assault and abuse situation who is too terrified and controlled to get out (but who would, we assume, want to get out, but just feels powerless.)

Unfortunately, this person may very well be fully in this relationship by choice. And may be as violent and controlling as the man in question. Usually if a person continues in their alcoholic behavior long enough, they'll turn up with a relationship where the major thing the couple has in common is their addiction. In this situation, both parties may be abusive, violent, threatening and controlling. That the police have been called and didn't take anyone to jail is very telling. "He encourages her to drink" you say. Of course he does, it's what they have in common. And it's not sensible to think if he wasn't encouraging her, no, almost forcing her, she would stop. Their mutual appreciation for power drinking is what holds them together.

This relationship will shatter only when one or both of them hits bottom and decides to quit drinking. Until then, I only see the daughter telling her mother what she wants to hear so that mother will enable her further while she does what is really her priority. Mother needs not only to educate herself about family member of a domestic violence victim, she also needs to educate herself (Al-anon is an excellent place to do this) about her daughter's disease process.

 

[Ohiogal]

My take on this, based on my experience with alcoholics and with domestic abuse victims is a little different here. While her mother may definitely see this as domestic abuse primarily, and the issue totally that the man hits her (when, as Ohio pointed out, it may not be so much one sided) and that we are dealing with a victim in a domestic assault and abuse situation who is too terrified and controlled to get out (but who would, we assume, want to get out, but just feels powerless.)

Unfortunately, this person may very well be fully in this relationship by choice. And may be as violent and controlling as the man in question. Usually if a person continues in their alcoholic behavior long enough, they'll turn up with a relationship where the major thing the couple has in common is their addiction. In this situation, both parties may be abusive, violent, threatening and controlling. That the police have been called and didn't take anyone to jail is very telling. "He encourages her to drink" you say. Of course he does, it's what they have in common. And it's not sensible to think if he wasn't encouraging her, no, almost forcing her, she would stop. Their mutual appreciation for power drinking is what holds them together.

This relationship will shatter only when one or both of them hits bottom and decides to quit drinking. Until then, I only see the daughter telling her mother what she wants to hear so that mother will enable her further while she does what is really her priority. Mother needs not only to educate herself about family member of a domestic violence victim, she also needs to educate herself (Al-anon is an excellent place to do this) about her daughter's disease process.

Finally someone understands the point and sees from whence I am coming with my posts.

 

[commentator]

In my work with domestic violence shelters, I can't tell you how many times we got hold of someone who was playing the "he hits me" card, when actually they were an addict or alcoholic trying to buy a little time, please a concerned family member, avoid hitting bottom, and then when they got straightened out just a little, they'd swoop off into the sunset with their supposed abuser, endangering our other clients safety and the confidentiality of our facility. Like the people in law enforcement, people who work in the court system soon learn to look both ways when they hear claims of domestic violence and abuse, particularly when there is shared pattern of substance abuse in the relationship.

This mother doesn't want to hear it, but if her daughter leaves this man, and ends up on the street, she'll probably have multiple abusers and other controlling and bad people in her life, not just him. The root cause of her lifestyle where she's being abused is likely heavily tied with her alcoholism, not just that she's with a bad person.

 

[OHRoadwarrior]

I can also say from experience I have met woman who like getting drunk and being hit, whipped and flogged.