Going through a divorce in NY and my ex-husband is stalking and trying to intimidate

[Thorn]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? NY

I have been going through a messy divorce with my husband, he is not really a balanced individual. He owns guns, which I hid the day I moved out because I did not know what he would do. We have one child a young son, and we are currently at 50/50 custody which was what we settled on at time of filing our divorce papers.

It was very hard to make the decision to leave him, and now that I have it is hard for me to do anything for fear of his reaction. I have tried co-parent counseling (7 different counselors)but he keeps quitting or refusing to stay for sessions as he does not like what he hears from them. He claims he is being ganged up on, and he is used to just being able to pushing me around which I do not tolerate any more and counselors really do see through him so he storms out, curses, and refuses to return.

He is a heavy drinker, and smokes marijuana. He speaks poorly of me to our son, and to me directly calling me vile names. I am worried his actions are going to hurt our young son and I am not sure what he is capable of but I assume the worse in terms of my own safety.

He is having a hard time with me being with other men, who might just be friends. He sends me messages implying he knows where I am, stating the color and model of the car I am in and then tries to play it off as if it was just him letting me know he was going ot buy that same style of car and then saying 'You love those types of cars don't you".

I am not very familiar with the laws in NY state but isn't that harassment? Or is it stalking or both? What is my best option to get him out of my life, ensure I am safe, and that he is not allowed to harm our son (not physically, mentally) or damage my relationship with him as he continues to speak ill of me in front of him.

I clearly can not co-parent with him, and I am at a point where I need to know what my rights are and what I should do.

Any constructive opinions and ideas are very much welcome.

Thank you.




(Posted for a female friend, and co-worker)

 

[LdiJ]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? NY

I have been going through a messy divorce with my husband, he is not really a balanced individual. He owns guns, which I hid the day I moved out because I did not know what he would do. We have one child a young son, and we are currently at 50/50 custody which was what we settled on at time of filing our divorce papers.

It was very hard to make the decision to leave him, and now that I have it is hard for me to do anything for fear of his reaction. I have tried co-parent counseling (7 different counselors)but he keeps quitting or refusing to stay for sessions as he does not like what he hears from them. He claims he is being ganged up on, and he is used to just being able to pushing me around which I do not tolerate any more and counselors really do see through him so he storms out, curses, and refuses to return.

He is a heavy drinker, and smokes marijuana. He speaks poorly of me to our son, and to me directly calling me vile names. I am worried his actions are going to hurt our young son and I am not sure what he is capable of but I assume the worse in terms of my own safety.

He is having a hard time with me being with other men, who might just be friends. He sends me messages implying he knows where I am, stating the color and model of the car I am in and then tries to play it off as if it was just him letting me know he was going ot buy that same style of car and then saying 'You love those types of cars don't you".

I am not very familiar with the laws in NY state but isn't that harassment? Or is it stalking or both? What is my best option to get him out of my life, ensure I am safe, and that he is not allowed to harm our son (not physically, mentally) or damage my relationship with him as he continues to speak ill of me in front of him.

I clearly can not co-parent with him, and I am at a point where I need to know what my rights are and what I should do.

Any constructive opinions and ideas are very much welcome.

Thank you.




(Posted for a female friend, and co-worker)

A neutral exchange location, such as a police station can be helpful...or, if the child is in school, then arrange the 50/50 schedule so that at least during the school year, there are no exchanges, but rather the child is picked up and dropped off at school.

It also might come down to protective orders.

Its really difficult to give you any iron clad advice, because its nearly impossible to know what will or won't cause an escalation on dad's part. Sometimes things get better with time, sometimes they don't.

 

[Ohiogal]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? NY

I have been going through a messy divorce with my husband, he is not really a balanced individual. He owns guns, which I hid the day I moved out because I did not know what he would do. We have one child a young son, and we are currently at 50/50 custody which was what we settled on at time of filing our divorce papers.

It was very hard to make the decision to leave him, and now that I have it is hard for me to do anything for fear of his reaction. I have tried co-parent counseling (7 different counselors)but he keeps quitting or refusing to stay for sessions as he does not like what he hears from them. He claims he is being ganged up on, and he is used to just being able to pushing me around which I do not tolerate any more and counselors really do see through him so he storms out, curses, and refuses to return.

He is a heavy drinker, and smokes marijuana. He speaks poorly of me to our son, and to me directly calling me vile names. I am worried his actions are going to hurt our young son and I am not sure what he is capable of but I assume the worse in terms of my own safety.

He is having a hard time with me being with other men, who might just be friends. He sends me messages implying he knows where I am, stating the color and model of the car I am in and then tries to play it off as if it was just him letting me know he was going ot buy that same style of car and then saying 'You love those types of cars don't you".

I am not very familiar with the laws in NY state but isn't that harassment? Or is it stalking or both? What is my best option to get him out of my life, ensure I am safe, and that he is not allowed to harm our son (not physically, mentally) or damage my relationship with him as he continues to speak ill of me in front of him.

I clearly can not co-parent with him, and I am at a point where I need to know what my rights are and what I should do.

Any constructive opinions and ideas are very much welcome.

Thank you.




(Posted for a female friend, and co-worker)

Your female friend should be posting for herself quite frankly. She agreed to him having 50/50 custody. In addition, the way she hedges around whether she has a boyfriend (committing adultery) seems to imply that she is. Now is she taking the new lover(s) around the child?
Furthermore, when she hid HIS guns, where did she hide them? She had no right to dispose of these belongings. Are these guns in the marital home or not? What evidence do you have that he is unbalanced? Well, what evidence does she have? How old is the child? Has she put her child in counseling? She cannot control dad around his child. And she doesn't appear to have any evidence that junior is being harmed.

 

[Thorn]

Your female friend should be posting for herself quite frankly.
Well, maybe she should but she isn't. She has residual concerns over the internet, in terms of her soon to be ex husband and with good reason, since you are not fully aware of the extent of his stalking and what other ways he is harassing her and keeping tabs on her other than what I said you wouldn't know that of course but it might behoove you to find out before pushing the "She should do X" button. You do not know her, you have not walked in her shoes, and you do not know what she has been through. But your opinion is noted.

She agreed to him having 50/50 custody.
She did when they first were getting divorced yes, she was hoping that keeping the peace with him was the best way to go. Also she wanted her son to have a relationship with her father. She thought getting away was going to make a difference. She is not afraid he is hurting her son physically, and he was not insulting her to him while she lived there and his age was a major factor. He is turning 3 very shortly, and her ex is saying things that are now impacting him as he is reaching an age where certain things that he did not comprehend before he does understand now "Mommy abandoned you" things of this nature.


In addition, the way she hedges around whether she has a boyfriend (committing adultery) seems to imply that she is.
Hedges? She has been separated from him for over a year, and the divorce paperwork is signed. I am not sure where you are getting "hedges" from, nor adultery. This is your assumptions and in rereading what I posted I am not even sure what you based this off of. If it is the "who might be friends" part of the message, let me clarify... in some cases they are friends (another co-worker and I). In other cases (one) there is a guy she recently started seeing. Since the divorce is final there is no adultery. Way to attack the victim though.

Now is she taking the new lover(s) around the child?
No, she is a better person than that, she doesn't want him to meet anyone until there is a solid relationship established with potential for a future. Her ex-husband is though. he is bringing his new girlfriends around him and does not see the harm in it.

Furthermore, when she hid HIS guns, where did she hide them?
On the property of the house they shared.

She had no right to dispose of these belongings.
She did not dispose of them as mentioned she hid them out of fear for her own safety. They were purchased during their marriage and never removed from the home they jointly own.

Are these guns in the marital home or not?
They were, he has since been given the location and all is right in the gun owners universe. Clearly more important than her you know taking him seriously when he threatened to kill her if he left her.

What evidence do you have that he is unbalanced?
Emails, texts, phone calls too numerous to count. One day I remember 40+ calls to the office and about 100+ texts. Alternating between love, hate, insults, threats, insulting her family, gloating, talking about his new love life, and then wash rinse and repeat.

Well, what evidence does she have?
See above.

How old is the child?
See above.

Has she put her child in counseling?
I am not sure to be honest. Family counseling yes, co-parent counseling yes. I am not sure if her son has been put into his own therapy. I will ask her.



She cannot control dad around his child.
Actually you are wrong. In NY state she can just walk down to family court and file paper work, providing no proof at the time of filing which would compel him to appear before a judge and speak to a custody matter. Then before the judge she and her attorney could present evidence to support her statements of fact. The judge could then place a temporary custody order which might remove the child from his care completely or could in fact control his actions such as forcing him not to drink around the child, even up to 24 hours before he was to have custody if he was allowed to at all. Are you licensed to practice law? It sounds to me like you might not have any idea what you are talking about. These are facts.

And she doesn't appear to have any evidence that junior is being harmed.
We are going to have to disagree there as well, though I will grant you it is not physical as she plainly states in her letter asking for help.

Thanks for your time, but you might want to consider that you do not always have all the answers and people who come here are looking for help not sarcasm... and if your own life experiences have you leaning a certain way you are probably unfit to provide those answers they desperately need. In this case you honed in on that gun issue quite strongly, to me anyone who is afraid for there life because someone has threatened their life and they hide the exact weapons they were threatened with until she and her infant son were safely off the property is not only "okay" but just plain common sense.

Your particular advice will not be required going forward, thanks though. I would love to read anything else anyone would like to offer in positive and constructive and she would as well. So thanks in advance.

 

[commentator]

Do you want "positive and constructive" or do you want what might be the reaction of the court system when she goes in with this sort of story? Most of the posters here have had quite a lot of experience with dealing with custody and protective situations. And have heard many of these stories before. It seems that the more times the situation gets strained and stretched...as in going through third parties because she just can't post here, the more convoluted it becomes. If you are such an expert that you can tell her all she needs to do is **************...then why are you bothering to ask around about it?

If she has not asked for an order of protection or tried to charge him with stalking before this point, what exactly is she waiting for?

 

[aardvarc]

Your female friend should be posting for herself quite frankly.
Well, maybe she should but she isn't. She has residual concerns over the internet

Really, even with the BEST of intentions, asking questions like these on behalf of others more often than not ends up being a frustrating waste of time for BOTH sides of the conversation, since you do not and cannot have ALL of the pertinent information available. Surely she's intelligent enough not to use her real name when posting, and if she's worried about him finding out that she's asking questions, then she's already been "outed", as the specifics of the situation as already posted would likely point clearly to her anyway. In other words, it doesn't really protect her from anything by you posting on her behalf, but it does create additional problems in getting anywhere constructive.

Now is she taking the new lover(s) around the child?
No, she is a better person than that, she doesn't want him to meet anyone until there is a solid relationship established with potential for a future. Her ex-husband is though. he is bringing his new girlfriends around him and does not see the harm in it.

Nor will the court likley find any harm in it, unless there is substantial evidence to the contrary.

She cannot control dad around his child.
Actually you are wrong. In NY state she can just walk down to family court and file paper work, providing no proof at the time of filing which would compel him to appear before a judge and speak to a custody matter. Then before the judge she and her attorney could present evidence to support her statements of fact. The judge could then place a temporary custody order which might remove the child from his care completely or could in fact control his actions such as forcing him not to drink around the child, even up to 24 hours before he was to have custody if he was allowed to at all. Are you licensed to practice law? It sounds to me like you might not have any idea what you are talking about. These are facts.

Then why are you HERE? It may SOUND that easy, but just because something is POSSIBLE doesn't mean it's what actually HAPPENS. Judges don't take away custody or visitation from parents on a whim, no matter how hopeful mom may be for that to happen. Thus far, mom may have grounds for a protection order, but nothing in your telling of this issue bodes for the court to intervene to keep father and child apart.

And she doesn't appear to have any evidence that junior is being harmed.
We are going to have to disagree there as well, though I will grant you it is not physical as she plainly states in her letter asking for help.

What counts is who the JUDGE agrees with. And realistically, there's nothing here that is going to cause the court to stop interaction between father and child, not when the bulk of mom's complaint, valid as it may be, is issues between dad and herself - and the court looks at those two relationships, mom and dad, and dad and child, as totally separate. But if mom wants to get herself an attorney and file every possible motion they can concoct, she absolutely has the right to do that for as long as her checkbook holds out. At this point however, there doesn't appear to be anything that is going to curb dad's access to the child, so her time and money are BETTER spent on concentrating on interactions between dad and herself, controlling those interactions, and making them as safe for herself as possible.

anyone who is afraid for there life because someone has threatened their life and they hide the exact weapons they were threatened with until she and her infant son were safely off the property is not only "okay" but just plain common sense.

Even MORE common sense when someone and/or their child have been threatened with harm via firearm is that the sensible person first calls police and makes a report of the assault, and THEN gets their fanny to the courthouse IMMEDIATELY to seek a protection order and removal of the guns by authorities under court order. If mom hasn't or didn't do EITHER of those things, then she's going to have a MAJOR uphill battle convincing a court after the fact that she actually feels dad to be the danger that he's being touted as. Sorry, but right or wrong, that IS how the courts will see it. If she wants the court to take her fears seriously, then she needs to be ACTING like the fear is real and getting to the courthouse, yesterday, to seek that order.

 

[Zigner]

Your female friend should be posting for herself quite frankly.
Well, maybe she should but she isn't. She has residual concerns over the internet, in terms of her soon to be ex husband and with good reason, since you are not fully aware of the extent of his stalking and what other ways he is harassing her and keeping tabs on her other than what I said you wouldn't know that of course but it might behoove you to find out before pushing the "She should do X" button. You do not know her, you have not walked in her shoes, and you do not know what she has been through. But your opinion is noted.

She agreed to him having 50/50 custody.
She did when they first were getting divorced yes, she was hoping that keeping the peace with him was the best way to go. Also she wanted her son to have a relationship with her father. She thought getting away was going to make a difference. She is not afraid he is hurting her son physically, and he was not insulting her to him while she lived there and his age was a major factor. He is turning 3 very shortly, and her ex is saying things that are now impacting him as he is reaching an age where certain things that he did not comprehend before he does understand now "Mommy abandoned you" things of this nature.


In addition, the way she hedges around whether she has a boyfriend (committing adultery) seems to imply that she is.
Hedges? She has been separated from him for over a year, and the divorce paperwork is signed. I am not sure where you are getting "hedges" from, nor adultery. This is your assumptions and in rereading what I posted I am not even sure what you based this off of. If it is the "who might be friends" part of the message, let me clarify... in some cases they are friends (another co-worker and I). In other cases (one) there is a guy she recently started seeing. Since the divorce is final there is no adultery. Way to attack the victim though.

Now is she taking the new lover(s) around the child?
No, she is a better person than that, she doesn't want him to meet anyone until there is a solid relationship established with potential for a future. Her ex-husband is though. he is bringing his new girlfriends around him and does not see the harm in it.

Furthermore, when she hid HIS guns, where did she hide them?
On the property of the house they shared.

She had no right to dispose of these belongings.
She did not dispose of them as mentioned she hid them out of fear for her own safety. They were purchased during their marriage and never removed from the home they jointly own.

Are these guns in the marital home or not?
They were, he has since been given the location and all is right in the gun owners universe. Clearly more important than her you know taking him seriously when he threatened to kill her if he left her.

What evidence do you have that he is unbalanced?
Emails, texts, phone calls too numerous to count. One day I remember 40+ calls to the office and about 100+ texts. Alternating between love, hate, insults, threats, insulting her family, gloating, talking about his new love life, and then wash rinse and repeat.

Well, what evidence does she have?
See above.

How old is the child?
See above.

Has she put her child in counseling?
I am not sure to be honest. Family counseling yes, co-parent counseling yes. I am not sure if her son has been put into his own therapy. I will ask her.



She cannot control dad around his child.
Actually you are wrong. In NY state she can just walk down to family court and file paper work, providing no proof at the time of filing which would compel him to appear before a judge and speak to a custody matter. Then before the judge she and her attorney could present evidence to support her statements of fact. The judge could then place a temporary custody order which might remove the child from his care completely or could in fact control his actions such as forcing him not to drink around the child, even up to 24 hours before he was to have custody if he was allowed to at all. Are you licensed to practice law? It sounds to me like you might not have any idea what you are talking about. These are facts.

And she doesn't appear to have any evidence that junior is being harmed.
We are going to have to disagree there as well, though I will grant you it is not physical as she plainly states in her letter asking for help.

Thanks for your time, but you might want to consider that you do not always have all the answers and people who come here are looking for help not sarcasm... and if your own life experiences have you leaning a certain way you are probably unfit to provide those answers they desperately need. In this case you honed in on that gun issue quite strongly, to me anyone who is afraid for there life because someone has threatened their life and they hide the exact weapons they were threatened with until she and her infant son were safely off the property is not only "okay" but just plain common sense.

Your particular advice will not be required going forward, thanks though. I would love to read anything else anyone would like to offer in positive and constructive and she would as well. So thanks in advance.

Alrighty then!

 

[Proserpina]

You know, for a stranger who is completely NOT involved with this divorce, you have an awful lot of snit going on there.

Care to wipe up your attitude with a tissue or something? Or perhaps you can assist your friend in paying for an attorney.

You're very welcome.

 

[Ohiogal]

You know, for a stranger who is completely NOT involved with this divorce, you have an awful lot of snit going on there.

Care to wipe up your attitude with a tissue or something? Or perhaps you can assist your friend in paying for an attorney.

You're very welcome.

But the divorce is over with which means dad already has joint custody and everything OP was griping about happened months ago. Back when it was filed. So quite frankly it doesn't seem like any of this was all that big of a concern.

 

[stealth2]

Your female friend should be posting for herself quite frankly.
Well, maybe she should but she isn't. She has residual concerns over the internet, in terms of her soon to be ex husband and with good reason, since you are not fully aware of the extent of his stalking and what other ways he is harassing her and keeping tabs on her other than what I said you wouldn't know that of course but it might behoove you to find out before pushing the "She should do X" button. You do not know her, you have not walked in her shoes, and you do not know what she has been through. But your opinion is noted.

She agreed to him having 50/50 custody.
She did when they first were getting divorced yes, she was hoping that keeping the peace with him was the best way to go. Also she wanted her son to have a relationship with her father. She thought getting away was going to make a difference. She is not afraid he is hurting her son physically, and he was not insulting her to him while she lived there and his age was a major factor. He is turning 3 very shortly, and her ex is saying things that are now impacting him as he is reaching an age where certain things that he did not comprehend before he does understand now "Mommy abandoned you" things of this nature.


In addition, the way she hedges around whether she has a boyfriend (committing adultery) seems to imply that she is.
Hedges? She has been separated from him for over a year, and the divorce paperwork is signed. I am not sure where you are getting "hedges" from, nor adultery. This is your assumptions and in rereading what I posted I am not even sure what you based this off of. If it is the "who might be friends" part of the message, let me clarify... in some cases they are friends (another co-worker and I). In other cases (one) there is a guy she recently started seeing. Since the divorce is final there is no adultery. Way to attack the victim though.

Now is she taking the new lover(s) around the child?
No, she is a better person than that, she doesn't want him to meet anyone until there is a solid relationship established with potential for a future. Her ex-husband is though. he is bringing his new girlfriends around him and does not see the harm in it.

Furthermore, when she hid HIS guns, where did she hide them?
On the property of the house they shared.

She had no right to dispose of these belongings.
She did not dispose of them as mentioned she hid them out of fear for her own safety. They were purchased during their marriage and never removed from the home they jointly own.

Are these guns in the marital home or not?
They were, he has since been given the location and all is right in the gun owners universe. Clearly more important than her you know taking him seriously when he threatened to kill her if he left her.

What evidence do you have that he is unbalanced?
Emails, texts, phone calls too numerous to count. One day I remember 40+ calls to the office and about 100+ texts. Alternating between love, hate, insults, threats, insulting her family, gloating, talking about his new love life, and then wash rinse and repeat.

Well, what evidence does she have?
See above.

How old is the child?
See above.

Has she put her child in counseling?
I am not sure to be honest. Family counseling yes, co-parent counseling yes. I am not sure if her son has been put into his own therapy. I will ask her.



She cannot control dad around his child.
Actually you are wrong. In NY state she can just walk down to family court and file paper work, providing no proof at the time of filing which would compel him to appear before a judge and speak to a custody matter. Then before the judge she and her attorney could present evidence to support her statements of fact. The judge could then place a temporary custody order which might remove the child from his care completely or could in fact control his actions such as forcing him not to drink around the child, even up to 24 hours before he was to have custody if he was allowed to at all. Are you licensed to practice law? It sounds to me like you might not have any idea what you are talking about. These are facts.

And she doesn't appear to have any evidence that junior is being harmed.
We are going to have to disagree there as well, though I will grant you it is not physical as she plainly states in her letter asking for help.

Thanks for your time, but you might want to consider that you do not always have all the answers and people who come here are looking for help not sarcasm... and if your own life experiences have you leaning a certain way you are probably unfit to provide those answers they desperately need. In this case you honed in on that gun issue quite strongly, to me anyone who is afraid for there life because someone has threatened their life and they hide the exact weapons they were threatened with until she and her infant son were safely off the property is not only "okay" but just plain common sense.

Your particular advice will not be required going forward, thanks though. I would love to read anything else anyone would like to offer in positive and constructive and she would as well. So thanks in advance.

Huh. It sure as heck wasn't this "easy" as all that when I divorced in NY.