Help for a friend who's child is being molested by father..

[telepathy1994]

One of my friend and co-workers has completely lost hope today, and I am trying to see if there is anything she can do, though she has already searched everywhere. Here's as much of the story as I know:

(We'll call my friend B, and her son J, the father D)

J is 3 years old. He told his grand mother that his dad had been touching him in a bad spot. She told B, and when she confronted J, he told her about it. So she went to cops and it turned into a court case. At the time she couldn't tell anyone what was going on until evidence and such was collected, so I am probably missing some info from there, but I'll try to explain as much as I can. D of course denied that he was molesting his son. They did a polygraph test that showed that he may have been lying, but that can not be used in court in Minnesota. J was also interviewed by a police officer, where he told the police officer he had been touched in a bad spot by his dad. Unfortunetly, the whole interview was thrown out because the officer had conducted the interview improperly. They said they could not interview J again. The case was pretty hopeless after that, so D soon had custody of J again, but the case was supposed to be left open for 5 weeks with certain rules that he had to follow, and someone to drop in every once in awhile to make sure they were being followed. D would ignore B's phone calls, the officer who was supposed to drop in rarely did, it seemed that no one really cared. B was crying uncontrollably, afraid that her baby boy would continue to be abused by his father. Today she comes in crying once again. I asked what was wrong, and she told me that they had completely closed the case and D would no longer be watched or have to follow the rules. Which was even more upsetting for her, because the day before she had brought J to his therapist, where he told the therapist that there was someone staying in the house, which was against the rules, and only when his mother left the room, told the therapist that D was asking him to sleep in bed with him, which was also breaking the rules agreed to. And since he would only tell the therapist when his mother left, she assumes that D is telling his son not to tell mommy.

She is now considering trying to get full custody, but does not have the money to afford a laywer, and apparently gets paid to much for legal aid, though she gets paid not much over minimum wage. She's also contacted VIP, and social services to see if she can get help, no luck. She is so hopeless, and just absolutely heart broken and devastated. I have no idea what to do for her, but I want to help. I told her that I would look on the internet, see if there was anything I could find.

Is there anything? I thought maybe someone on these forums could help.

Edit:
She and her son live in Minnesota. I apologize it could not be her making the post, I told her I would try to find the info on the web for her.

 

[Silverplum]

One of my friend and co-workers has completely lost hope today, and I am trying to see if there is anything she can do, though she has already searched everywhere. Here's as much of the story as I know:

That's exactly why we very much prefer to speak to one of the parties, instead of one of their friends.

Also -- Name of the US State??

(We'll call my friend B, and her son J, the father D)

J is 3 years old. He told his grand mother that his dad had been touching him in a bad spot. She told B, and when she confronted J, he told her about it. So she went to cops and it turned into a court case. At the time she couldn't tell anyone what was going on until evidence and such was collected, so I am probably missing some info from there, but I'll try to explain as much as I can. D of course denied that he was molesting his son. They did a polygraph test that showed that he may have been lying, but that can not be used in court in Minnesota. J was also interviewed by a police officer, where he told the police officer he had been touched in a bad spot by his dad. Unfortunetly, the whole interview was thrown out because the officer had conducted the interview improperly. They said they could not interview J again. The case was pretty hopeless after that, so D soon had custody of J again, but the case was supposed to be left open for 5 weeks with certain rules that he had to follow, and someone to drop in every once in awhile to make sure they were being followed. D would ignore B's phone calls, the officer who was supposed to drop in rarely did, it seemed that no one really cared. B was crying uncontrollably, afraid that her baby boy would continue to be abused by his father. Today she comes in crying once again. I asked what was wrong, and she told me that they had completely closed the case and D would no longer be watched or have to follow the rules. Which was even more upsetting for her, because the day before she had brought J to his therapist, where he told the therapist that there was someone staying in the house, which was against the rules, and only when his mother left the room, told the therapist that D was asking him to sleep in bed with him, which was also breaking the rules agreed to. And since he would only tell the therapist when his mother left, she assumes that D is telling his son not to tell mommy.

She is now considering trying to get full custody, but does not have the money to afford a laywer, and apparently gets paid to much for legal aid, though she gets paid not much over minimum wage. She's also contacted VIP, and social services to see if she can get help, no luck. She is so hopeless, and just absolutely heart broken and devastated. I have no idea what to do for her, but I want to help. I told her that I would look on the internet, see if there was anything I could find.

Is there anything? Any loopholes? I thought maybe someone on these forums could help.

She did the right thing. There wasn't a proveable case. That seems to be the end of this series of events.

She can keep the child in therapy.

 

[Just Blue]

Interesting user name.

telepathy1994[/QUOTE

 

[telepathy1994]

Interesting user name.

telepathy1994

Thanks? Haha.

Yours is pretty interesting as well.

 

[Ohiogal]

One of my friend and co-workers has completely lost hope today, and I am trying to see if there is anything she can do, though she has already searched everywhere. Here's as much of the story as I know:

(We'll call my friend B, and her son J, the father D)

J is 3 years old. He told his grand mother that his dad had been touching him in a bad spot. She told B, and when she confronted J, he told her about it.

So mom confronted her toddler about something -- how did she confront the child? What questions did she ask? Were they leading questions? Does the child love his mother and try to please her?

So she went to cops and it turned into a court case. At the time she couldn't tell anyone what was going on until evidence and such was collected, so I am probably missing some info from there, but I'll try to explain as much as I can. D of course denied that he was molesting his son.

And he very well may not be molesting his son.

They did a polygraph test that showed that he may have been lying, but that can not be used in court in Minnesota.

Because polygraph tests can be unreliable.

J was also interviewed by a police officer, where he told the police officer he had been touched in a bad spot by his dad. Unfortunetly, the whole interview was thrown out because the officer had conducted the interview improperly. They said they could not interview J again. The case was pretty hopeless after that, so D soon had custody of J again, but the case was supposed to be left open for 5 weeks with certain rules that he had to follow, and someone to drop in every once in awhile to make sure they were being followed. D would ignore B's phone calls, the officer who was supposed to drop in rarely did, it seemed that no one really cared.

So dad is the primary custodian? How did that happen?

B was crying uncontrollably, afraid that her baby boy would continue to be abused by his father.

She doesn't even know if her son is being abused.

Today she comes in crying once again. I asked what was wrong, and she told me that they had completely closed the case and D would no longer be watched or have to follow the rules. Which was even more upsetting for her, because the day before she had brought J to his therapist, where he told the therapist that there was someone staying in the house, which was against the rules, and only when his mother left the room, told the therapist that D was asking him to sleep in bed with him, which was also breaking the rules agreed to. And since he would only tell the therapist when his mother left, she assumes that D is telling his son not to tell mommy.

A) Who was the someone else? Unless there was a court order, dad didn't have to do squat. It is not against the law to have someone else in the house.
B) Family bed is completely allowable. Does mom ever sleep in the same bed as her child?
C) Mom knows nothing quite frankly and she has no admissible, credible evidence.

She is now considering trying to get full custody, but does not have the money to afford a laywer, and apparently gets paid to much for legal aid, though she gets paid not much over minimum wage. She's also contacted VIP, and social services to see if she can get help, no luck. She is so hopeless, and just absolutely heart broken and devastated. I have no idea what to do for her, but I want to help. I told her that I would look on the internet, see if there was anything I could find.

Pay for an attorney for her. But unless she has credible evidence, she won't get very far. Has she taken the child to a doctor? What type of abuse is allegedly happening?

Is there anything? Any loopholes? I thought maybe someone on these forums could help.

Edit:
She and her son live in Minnesota. I apologize it could not be her making the post, I told her I would try to find the info on the web for her.

LOOPHOLES? What type of loopholes? Both parents have due process protections and credible admissible evidence will be necessary to change custody.

 

[Silverplum]

I'd guess Mom tried to play the "Abuse Card" and lost.

For one thing, I find it very hard to believe that every professional "messed up" their interviews with the child.

 

[Ohiogal]

I'd guess Mom tried to play the "Abuse Card" and lost.

For one thing, I find it very hard to believe that every professional "messed up" their interviews with the child.

The professionals may have thought the child was being coached. However, the child is not presumed competent to testify anyway. And mom has no physical evidence of abuse.

 

[LdiJ]

I personally think that a case like this one is one of the most difficult to deal with.

If dad is not molesting the child, but its believed that he is, then it does a huge disservice and causes a huge emotional upheaval to both the parent and child.

If dad IS molesting the child, and no one helps the child, then it does a huge disservice and causes huge long term problems for the child.

If mom truly believes that dad is, even if dad isn't, then its going to color the rest of all of their lives, even if everyone else believes he is not.

If mom is maliciously playing the abuse card, then its still going to end up causing the child long term issues.

Its almost a no win situation.

The only way that its not going to end up damaging the child in one way or another, is if dad is innocent and mom comes to believe in his innocence as well...and the odds of that happening are not strong. Contrary to popular belief, I don't think that this is something that anyone wants to believe of any other person.

 

[telepathy1994]

So mom confronted her toddler about something -- how did she confront the child? What questions did she ask? Were they leading questions? Does the child love his mother and try to please her?



And he very well may not be molesting his son.


Because polygraph tests can be unreliable.



So dad is the primary custodian? How did that happen?


She doesn't even know if her son is being abused.


A) Who was the someone else? Unless there was a court order, dad didn't have to do squat. It is not against the law to have someone else in the house.
B) Family bed is completely allowable. Does mom ever sleep in the same bed as her child?
C) Mom knows nothing quite frankly and she has no admissible, credible evidence.


Pay for an attorney for her. But unless she has credible evidence, she won't get very far. Has she taken the child to a doctor? What type of abuse is allegedly happening?


LOOPHOLES? What type of loopholes? Both parents have due process protections and credible admissible evidence will be necessary to change custody.

"A) Who was the someone else? Unless there was a court order, dad didn't have to do squat. It is not against the law to have someone else in the house.
B) Family bed is completely allowable. Does mom ever sleep in the same bed as her child?"

It was court order.

Also, they have 50/50 custody.

 

[telepathy1994]

I'd guess Mom tried to play the "Abuse Card" and lost.

For one thing, I find it very hard to believe that every professional "messed up" their interviews with the child.

The police officer is the one that interviewed the child and was speaking for the case. Her interview was thrown out. Was there someone else that could have spoke and conducted the interview?

 

[telepathy1994]

I personally think that a case like this one is one of the most difficult to deal with.

If dad is not molesting the child, but its believed that he is, then it does a huge disservice and causes a huge emotional upheaval to both the parent and child.

If dad IS molesting the child, and no one helps the child, then it does a huge disservice and causes huge long term problems for the child.

If mom truly believes that dad is, even if dad isn't, then its going to color the rest of all of their lives, even if everyone else believes he is not.

If mom is maliciously playing the abuse card, then its still going to end up causing the child long term issues.

Its almost a no win situation.

The only way that its not going to end up damaging the child in one way or another, is if dad is innocent and mom comes to believe in his innocence as well...and the odds of that happening are not strong. Contrary to popular belief, I don't think that this is something that anyone wants to believe of any other person.

Yes, I agree. But I know this woman very well, and I honestly don't believe she would play the abuse card. I don't think she would ever wish anything that horrible on anyone. She just loves her son very much and wants to make sure he is safe. And of course, she doesn't believe her son would lie about something so serious even if he is so young, and especially about his own father. Especially since he is so young, and she doesn't know how else something like that could have gotten in his head to lie about in the first place. I just hate to see her this way, and I can't help but try to find help.

 

[Ohiogal]

Yes, I agree. But I know this woman very well, and I honestly don't believe she would play the abuse card. I don't think she would ever wish anything that horrible on anyone. She just loves her son very much and wants to make sure he is safe. And of course, she doesn't believe her son would lie about something so serious even if he is so young, and especially about his own father. Especially since he is so young, and she doesn't know how else something like that could have gotten in his head to lie about in the first place. I just hate to see her this way, and I can't help but try to find help.

So her son said daddy touched his penis and his butt or put something in his butt? Or did he use a cute little nickname that mommy taught him? Does the child still wear diapers? Or pull ups? Does he need help taking a bath or going to the bathroom and cleaning himself?

 

[LdiJ]

Yes, I agree. But I know this woman very well, and I honestly don't believe she would play the abuse card. I don't think she would ever wish anything that horrible on anyone. She just loves her son very much and wants to make sure he is safe. And of course, she doesn't believe her son would lie about something so serious even if he is so young, and especially about his own father. Especially since he is so young, and she doesn't know how else something like that could have gotten in his head to lie about in the first place. I just hate to see her this way, and I can't help but try to find help.

Unfortunately, this forum is the least likely place to find help. Why, because this forum is all about the law, evidence, and what can be proven. In reality, for the most part that is the correct legal response. Again, unfortunately the correct legal response is not necessarily the best response for the child in question...nor is it necessarily NOT the correct response. Its a very murky subject that often has no clear answers.

There is a news report all over the place right now about a man who raped a 6 month old baby and as a result, killed the baby. He admits to raping the baby but insists that he never intended the baby to die as a result of the rape. There is virtually no chance that the law could have ever prevented that baby's death, because who would have ever believed a mother who claimed that someone was sexually abusing a six month old?...even if the mother had any clue at all?

I butt heads often with Ohiogal, due to responses on these forums. However despite the butting heads I am truly confident that she does not take these kinds of allegations lightly when she is performing her duties. I am truly confident that she looks out for the children above all. However, I am quite sure that she does see a lot of parents pulling the "abuse card" in custody battles and that colors her responses here.

The reality of things however is that with a child so young, its nearly impossible to prove either innocence or guilt.

 

[telepathy1994]

Well thank you all for the replies. I didn't really expect there to be much to be done about this situation. I am just very sensitive to child molestation cases because I was molested when I was only a few years old than this child. I was hoping that maybe there was something I could do for my friend, but I understand that this is a difficult situation, especially with the child's age. The mother is just going through a hard time because she feels that her son is telling the truth, and that his father has done something to make him feel uncomfortable, and she wan't to prevent that from happening. But since the case is closed, that there really isn't anything they can do. She will continue bringing her son to therapy. I hope that it isn't true and that he is safe, but I can't help but worry, and I know his mother will continue to worry.