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How can I fight a post-hearing restraining order?

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ccfdjoe

Junior Member
What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? CA, but I live in NV

I struggled with a cocaine addiction, and my ex-wife filed for a restraining order, using a compilation of unacceptable texts and emails that were sent during the height of active addiction. The correspondence were completely unacceptable, though never involving direct threats to her, and NEVER towards my beautiful children. I have since gained my sobriety, and I'm currently rebuilding my life. I was unable to attend the hearing, as it was in CA, and I live in Las Vegas and have no financial means to travel. The judge granted a 3-year order, also granting her sole custody for that time with no visitation.

My children are my whole world, and their moving to CA was when my downward spiral began. Prior to that, I was an average normal firefighter with no drug or alcohol problems. All I want is a chance to prove my sobriety and mental stability to the court, and my ex-wife in order to regain my visitation and joint custody. I'm completely willing to do whatever it takes.

What are my options? Can I fix this? What course of action should I take?

I have followed the orders to the letter, and will continue to do so, but not having contact with my children is a nightmare.

I sincerely appreciate any adviceWhat is the name of your state (only U.S. law)?
 


Just Blue

Senior Member
What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? CA, but I live in NV

I struggled with a cocaine addiction, and my ex-wife filed for a restraining order, using a compilation of unacceptable texts and emails that were sent during the height of active addiction. The correspondence were completely unacceptable, though never involving direct threats to her, and NEVER towards my beautiful children. I have since gained my sobriety, and I'm currently rebuilding my life. I was unable to attend the hearing, as it was in CA, and I live in Las Vegas and have no financial means to travel. The judge granted a 3-year order, also granting her sole custody for that time with no visitation.

My children are my whole world, and their moving to CA was when my downward spiral began. Prior to that, I was an average normal firefighter with no drug or alcohol problems. All I want is a chance to prove my sobriety and mental stability to the court, and my ex-wife in order to regain my visitation and joint custody. I'm completely willing to do whatever it takes.

What are my options? Can I fix this? What course of action should I take?

I have followed the orders to the letter, and will continue to do so, but not having contact with my children is a nightmare.

I sincerely appreciate any adviceWhat is the name of your state (only U.S. law)?
When did this happen? How long since you have seen the children? Define "unacceptable". Please explain why a firefighter considers becoming a junkie the appropriate response to a custody issue.

How long have you been clean?
Thank You.
 

mistoffolees

Senior Member
The problem you face is that once there's an order, it's hard to get it changed without good reason. "I miss my kids" isn't going to be enough. The court presumes that if you care about your kids that you will make it to a custody hearing - or at least go through the process of asking for a continuance (or appearing by telephone in states and situations where that is allowed).

There are a couple of circumstances that might allow the judgment to be overturned, but I don't see any sing that they apply:
1. If you were never served notice of the hearing you could move for a new hearing
2. If the judge made a significant error of law in the judgment (not just that you disagree, but he's have to specifically have messed up with his understanding of the law), you would have grounds for an appeal. Even if this appears to be the case, appeals are time consuming and expensive - and will certainly require an attorney.

You could see an attorney to see if either of those apply, but as I said - it doesn't look like it.

I really only see one reasonable option - and it's grasping at straws. If you and your ex can reach an agreement on how you can be re-introduced to the children's lives, you could submit that to the court as a stipulation - and the court would probably approve it. You might try to explain to her how important it is for kids to have both parents in their lives. Maybe offer to have her (or someone else) supervise your visitation. Or maybe get her to agree to telephone or email conversations. If you can get that as an agreement, the two of you would have to submit it to the court to make it enforceable (and to ensure that you're not punished for violating the old agreement).

She would have to request that the court drop the restraining order at the same time. That one's not quite as certain - the court could, in principle, keep a restraining order in place even if she asks them to drop it. I can't predict how likely that is, though.

Good luck.
 

ccfdjoe

Junior Member
The problem you face is that once there's an order, it's hard to get it changed without good reason. "I miss my kids" isn't going to be enough. The court presumes that if you care about your kids that you will make it to a custody hearing - or at least go through the process of asking for a continuance (or appearing by telephone in states and situations where that is allowed).

There are a couple of circumstances that might allow the judgment to be overturned, but I don't see any sing that they apply:
1. If you were never served notice of the hearing you could move for a new hearing
2. If the judge made a significant error of law in the judgment (not just that you disagree, but he's have to specifically have messed up with his understanding of the law), you would have grounds for an appeal. Even if this appears to be the case, appeals are time consuming and expensive - and will certainly require an attorney.

You could see an attorney to see if either of those apply, but as I said - it doesn't look like it.

I really only see one reasonable option - and it's grasping at straws. If you and your ex can reach an agreement on how you can be re-introduced to the children's lives, you could submit that to the court as a stipulation - and the court would probably approve it. You might try to explain to her how important it is for kids to have both parents in their lives. Maybe offer to have her (or someone else) supervise your visitation. Or maybe get her to agree to telephone or email conversations. If you can get that as an agreement, the two of you would have to submit it to the court to make it enforceable (and to ensure that you're not punished for violating the old agreement).

She would have to request that the court drop the restraining order at the same time. That one's not quite as certain - the court could, in principle, keep a restraining order in place even if she asks them to drop it. I can't predict how likely that is, though.

Good luck.

How can I make an arrangement with her when I'm not allowed to communicate with her by any means? I appreciate your reply
 

st-kitts

Member
You state she has sole custody and no visitation was given to you. She applied for and received a 3 year restraining order. Does the restraining order cover the kids? If not, you may be able to petitioin the courts to get visitation without having a need to have the restraining order dropped or modified.

Just to add to a prior post about working something out with the ex. Keep in mind that if you initiate conversation / discussion with her either directly or through a 3rd party you would be in violation of the restraining order.

Good luck.
 

ccfdjoe

Junior Member
When did this happen? How long since you have seen the children? Define "unacceptable". Please explain why a firefighter considers becoming a junkie the appropriate response to a custody issue.

How long have you been clean?
Thank You.
This happened about three months ago. I havent seen the children in 6 mos., due to the addiction. I never exposed my children to drugs or myself during periods of using, so yes, there were periods of months that I didn't see them. Until receiving the initial temp. order, I spoke to my children from one to 7 times a week.

There's no excuse for how I got involved with drugs. When my kids moved, I thought I could handle it, but obviously, I couldn't. At first, it dulled the pain, but quickly took over my life. I lost my children and a 12-year career of my dreams, all in the span of a year. You can scold me all you want, and I deserve it, but I realized my mistakes and I'm working hard to rebuild my life.

I've been clean for 43 days.....and I'm proud of it
 

ccfdjoe

Junior Member
You state she has sole custody and no visitation was given to you. She applied for and received a 3 year restraining order. Does the restraining order cover the kids? If not, you may be able to petitioin the courts to get visitation without having a need to have the restraining order dropped or modified.

Just to add to a prior post about working something out with the ex. Keep in mind that if you initiate conversation / discussion with her either directly or through a 3rd party you would be in violation of the restraining order.

Good luck.[/QUOTE

The restraining order DOES cover the kids. I absolutely understand about violating the order, and I won't do it......I've created a big enough mess for myself.
 

ccfdjoe

Junior Member
You know...I don't ask questions for the heck of it. There IS a point to my inquiries other than "scolding".
Oh, I'm sorry, I forgot to include that. The emails and texts included rants about my ex-wife, after days without sleep, about her possible involvement in pornography (un-founded), lies she had told about the living situation, and location of our children (true), and visits from "friends" of hers attempting to intimidate me. When compiled, they make me look very unstable (which I was, admittedly), though they were never violent in nature, or threatening to her in any way. Like I said, I made mistakes, but I'm clean and of sound min and body now. I just want an opportunity to prove this to the court, as well as my ex-wife.

Sorry, i didn't realize i forgot to answer that part of your question
 

mistoffolees

Senior Member
How can I make an arrangement with her when I'm not allowed to communicate with her by any means? I appreciate your reply
What you said was that she APPLIED for a restraining order. Later, you said that she got an order giving her custody and no visitation for you. It wasn't clear that the restraining order itself was granted.

What is the exact wording of the restraining order? If it truly says that you can't contact her in any way, the option of working something out with her is pretty well sunk. But tell us what it says.
 

ccfdjoe

Junior Member
What you said was that she APPLIED for a restraining order. Later, you said that she got an order giving her custody and no visitation for you. It wasn't clear that the restraining order itself was granted.

What is the exact wording of the restraining order? If it truly says that you can't contact her in any way, the option of working something out with her is pretty well sunk. But tell us what it says.

I don't have it in front of me, but it says I cvan't initiate contact at all
 

Isis1

Senior Member
As I said previously......43 days
You've been sober for less than two months. I'm going to be honest with you. You still have a hard road ahead of you. However, I believe you can accomplish what you want with perserverance and patience.

So, you want to be a father. You will need to start from the bottom and work your way up. This is my suggestion, so take what you will.

File for supervised visitation. In a facility, not mom supervising. Or a family member mom trusts. In CA. Where mom lives. No overnights. At least not yet. Voluntary drug test which must be passed before the next visitation step up can occur. Once you complete a certain amount of clean drug tests, you work for all day visitations without supervision. Once you are clean for a substantial amount of time, you request visitation in your home for weekend overnights.
 

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