How to get a no-contact order dropped

[Isis1]

Stephanie, you need to let him ride out his punishment. When he's completed his programming, he can go home.

 

[gasgirl]

Denial...

" Oh but Danny is different..."
"Danny wouldn't really hurt me-he loves me..."
"Danny was just really drunk when he burned me with a BBQ lighter..."
"Danny says he will never do it again..."
"Danny promised to stop drinking and go to AA..."
" But I love him- he really is a good person and you don't know him like I do..."

Lady, these are all quotes from my friend, who eventually ended up on life support after being beaten unconscious (in front of her son)...She was a very smart, successful Hedge-Fund manager. Now she can barely walk and talk. I can give you her number so you can ask her about being in denial when everyone around you is screaming at you to WAKE UP!

Almost unheard of for a man to venture into physical abuse (especially under the influence of alcohol) and stop without significant treatment and consequences.

I would be willing to bet a large sum of money that if you let this guy back into your life, and excuse his actions, you will get more than your wrists grabbed next time.

If he had gotten drunk and did the same to your child (or you own mother), what would you have done? That man certainly wouldn't have darkened my doorstep ever again...and whatever he gets as legal consequences, he deserves.

 

[LdiJ]

" Oh but Danny is different..."
"Danny wouldn't really hurt me-he loves me..."
"Danny was just really drunk when he burned me with a BBQ lighter..."
"Danny says he will never do it again..."
"Danny promised to stop drinking and go to AA..."
" But I love him- he really is a good person and you don't know him like I do..."

Lady, these are all quotes from my friend, who eventually ended up on life support after being beaten unconscious (in front of her son)...She was a very smart, successful Hedge-Fund manager. Now she can barely walk and talk. I can give you her number so you can ask her about being in denial when everyone around you is screaming at you to WAKE UP!

Almost unheard of for a man to venture into physical abuse (especially under the influence of alcohol) and stop without significant treatment and consequences.

I would be willing to bet a large sum of money that if you let this guy back into your life, and excuse his actions, you will get more than your wrists grabbed next time.

If he had gotten drunk and did the same to your child (or you own mother), what would you have done? That man certainly wouldn't have darkened my doorstep ever again...and whatever he gets as legal consequences, he deserves.

The sister-in-law of a friend of mine was the same way. Her boyfriend and then husband beat on her fairly frequently and all the same excuses were given.

When she finally saw the light is when he nearly choked her to death. Her neighbors heard the commotion and called the cops, and the cops saw him doing it through a window and busted the window and dragged him out of it to get him off her.

A dear family friend's sister was murdered by her husband, after years of making those same kind of excuses.

 

[gasgirl]

Take our Advice

Forget about the boyfriend's legal problems.

Let him learn a lesson, and YOU learn one too.

You said you had kids. They need to be your absolute first concern. Do they really need to see your boyfriend (or you even) intoxicated? Do they need to see him rough-handling you? What lesson will they be learning? Your daughter will learn you have to put up with being abused, and your son will learn it's OK to disrespect women.

Get your head out of the sand, honey. I worked in the ER for 7 years and wish I had a dollar for every woman who came in beaten up still trying to protect her abuser. It all starts with a little shove...don't waste your time with the "diamond in the rough". I hate to tell you, but no matter how much pressure and time you give it, it will never be anything but a LUMP OF COAL!

 

[neopandora]

we live far from family and therefore they cannot see their father...

according to my sister who has been out to see him

OP - You've stated that you live far from family so the children can't see their Father and then you said your sister has been to visit him - which is it? Why can't your sister supervise visits between him and your children?

I also hope you will listen to some of the other posters' advice. You are in denial. I have never been a sniveling housewife. Most of my friends and family for at least 8 years of my marriage would have NEVER guessed that I was abused. I was nothing like any stereotype you can imagine.

It's like a snowball. It starts with a little jealousy here and there that's unwarranted. Then controlling behaviors often masked as insecurities that are easy to brush off. Oh, and my ex drank too. First, small things like smashing the dash in the car, some pushing and blocking the door when he was drunk. I would have never consider myself abused at that point either - he just needed to stop drinking (he was an alcoholic too, but there was a much deeper problem).

In less than a year it turned into me waking in the night with him over the top of me pinning me down while he was drunk with some crazy idea in his head of something he wanted me to "admit to" where he would squeeze the sides of my head until I did. He would squeeze it so hard I constantly had fingernail marks right in front of my ears.

I would also have to be late for work a lot during those times because he would go through my purse and pull all telephone numbers such as pediatrician, car insurance company, etc. because he was convinced these were my lovers phone numbers written in code so he wouldn't find them. I had no lovers.

I still did not think I was abused.

In just 2 shorts months it turned into a punch to the jaw so severe I would eventually lose several jaw teeth because I had vertical fractures that couldn't be repaired - an injury my dentist had never seen in anyone but boxers. I would be clotheslined hard enough to knock backwards and then drug by my hair through the gravel while pregnant just to stop me from getting in the car to leave.

I still wasn't certain I was abused.

When my son was born and the doctor had to ask my ex to leave the hospital because my ex made me get out of my hospital bed (even though I was hemorraging after giving birth) so he could sleep off his last drunk in my hospital bed while I slept in the chair. That was the moment that starting to come out of denial that I was abused.

It would take several months to get away including being tied to a chair while my ex started hitting my toe and then my foot with a hammer and threatening to go all the way up my body in front of my son to show him what happened to those who tried to leave him.

All of these incidents happened without the police being notified. Not one report. Not even the hospital. Nothing. All because like you, I was offended that anyone would think *I* was abused.

I would give anything to go back and have had just one report - one no contact order because it would have helped in ways you can't see right now. Instead it took almost another 10 years before I could get adequate protection for myself and my son.

Please step back and see that one time is one time too many. It may be that dealing with these problems now turns it around for your family. If he loves you and your children more than himself he will step up and be a man and do all that he needs to do to himself with both the alcohol and anger/abuse issues.

 

[LdiJ]

Bless you for sharing that. I know it cannot have been easy but it may certainly help some people see the light.

 

[neopandora]

Bless you for sharing that. I know it cannot have been easy but it may certainly help some people see the light.

Thank you so much LdiJ. I am incredibly blessed and incredibly lucky. It took so long to accept what did happen to me and then so long to accept that I was not to blame that if I can ever save anyone some of that, I'm happy to share what happened to me.

 

[stephanie.chlou]

OP - You've stated that you live far from family so the children can't see their Father and then you said your sister has been to visit him - which is it? Why can't your sister supervise visits between him and your children?

I also hope you will listen to some of the other posters' advice. You are in denial. I have never been a sniveling housewife. Most of my friends and family for at least 8 years of my marriage would have NEVER guessed that I was abused. I was nothing like any stereotype you can imagine.

It's like a snowball. It starts with a little jealousy here and there that's unwarranted. Then controlling behaviors often masked as insecurities that are easy to brush off. Oh, and my ex drank too. First, small things like smashing the dash in the car, some pushing and blocking the door when he was drunk. I would have never consider myself abused at that point either - he just needed to stop drinking (he was an alcoholic too, but there was a much deeper problem).

In less than a year it turned into me waking in the night with him over the top of me pinning me down while he was drunk with some crazy idea in his head of something he wanted me to "admit to" where he would squeeze the sides of my head until I did. He would squeeze it so hard I constantly had fingernail marks right in front of my ears.

I would also have to be late for work a lot during those times because he would go through my purse and pull all telephone numbers such as pediatrician, car insurance company, etc. because he was convinced these were my lovers phone numbers written in code so he wouldn't find them. I had no lovers.

I still did not think I was abused.

In just 2 shorts months it turned into a punch to the jaw so severe I would eventually lose several jaw teeth because I had vertical fractures that couldn't be repaired - an injury my dentist had never seen in anyone but boxers. I would be clotheslined hard enough to knock backwards and then drug by my hair through the gravel while pregnant just to stop me from getting in the car to leave.

I still wasn't certain I was abused.

When my son was born and the doctor had to ask my ex to leave the hospital because my ex made me get out of my hospital bed (even though I was hemorraging after giving birth) so he could sleep off his last drunk in my hospital bed while I slept in the chair. That was the moment that starting to come out of denial that I was abused.

It would take several months to get away including being tied to a chair while my ex started hitting my toe and then my foot with a hammer and threatening to go all the way up my body in front of my son to show him what happened to those who tried to leave him.

All of these incidents happened without the police being notified. Not one report. Not even the hospital. Nothing. All because like you, I was offended that anyone would think *I* was abused.

I would give anything to go back and have had just one report - one no contact order because it would have helped in ways you can't see right now. Instead it took almost another 10 years before I could get adequate protection for myself and my son.

Please step back and see that one time is one time too many. It may be that dealing with these problems now turns it around for your family. If he loves you and your children more than himself he will step up and be a man and do all that he needs to do to himself with both the alcohol and anger/abuse issues.

As sorry as I am for what you went through (and I truly am)... once again, this is NOT the case here. I have been with this man for three years, and not once has anything remotely like this ever happened. I NEVER felt threatened (and I don't mean that I would never have told someone I felt threatened, I mean I didn't feel threatened)... he grabbed my wrists. He didn't hit me, he didn't mark me, he didn't prevent me from contacting the authorities. IN FACT, he was the one that dialed 911. I'm not naive. I am aware that if this relationship is to continue, that he will NOT be drinking. I understand that my children are number one priority, and that it is my job to protect them, not him. ALL THAT BEING SAID... grabbing my wrists once in a three year relationship does not an abuser make. If he hadn't been intoxicated, this would be a non-issue. Again, if we are to continue this relationship, he will NOT be drinking. I simply want to know what my options are to expedite his return home. I am going on a week and a half without him, and more importantly my children are going on a week and a half of not seeing their father.
Also, my sister has been to see him, but she has a life of her own, and in fact only lives in this area a portion of the time due to a custody battle the she's fighting three hours from here.

 

[stealth2]

Where were the children during this supposed "non-event"?

 

[Isis1]

The father of my two older children didn't attack me until we were four years together. Started with knocks on the head. Then dragging me by the hair. Throwing me around the room. Slamming me up against the walls. He didn't punch me, but he sure pulled his hand back and thought about it. When I left him, he raped me.

You are in denial. Go see a counselor. Alcohol isn't the problem. The alcohol didn't assault you. HE DID.

 

[mistoffolees]

The father of my two older children didn't attack me until we were four years together. Started with knocks on the head. Then dragging me by the hair. Throwing me around the room. Slamming me up against the walls. He didn't punch me, but he sure pulled his hand back and thought about it. When I left him, he raped me.

You are in denial. Go see a counselor. Alcohol isn't the problem. The alcohol didn't assault you. HE DID.

Not to mention that 'he won't drink when I'm around' never lasts very long.

 

[stephanie.chlou]

Where were the children during this supposed "non-event"?

Asleep. The entire time.

 

[stephanie.chlou]

The father of my two older children didn't attack me until we were four years together. Started with knocks on the head. Then dragging me by the hair. Throwing me around the room. Slamming me up against the walls. He didn't punch me, but he sure pulled his hand back and thought about it. When I left him, he raped me.

You are in denial. Go see a counselor. Alcohol isn't the problem. The alcohol didn't assault you. HE DID.

Again, I'm sorry if you were in an abusive relationship. However, I don't understand how you getting knocked in the head and drug by your hair has anything to do with my post. He didn't hit me. He didn't slap me. He didn't hurt me. He grabbed my wrists. HE called 911. HE was drunk, and according to Washington state law if a domestic dispute is called in and the police feel that there's adequate cause to believe that someone could be in danger, they have to make an arrest. He HAD grabbed my wrists, and he was also drunk. I DO understand why they made the arrest. At that time, NOT arresting him would have been a gamble on their part. HOWEVER... he's never been abusive. Grabbing someone by their wrists does not an abuser make! I'm not making excuses. This is simply what happened. I just want to know how to get him home. No-contact orders are AUTOMATICALLY placed on people when there's a CHARGE (mind you, not a CONVICTION) of domestic violence or assault. THE CHARGES ARE PENDING! HE DID NOT ASSAULT ME! Jesus people...

 

[WittyUserName]

Again, I'm sorry if you were in an abusive relationship. However, I don't understand how you getting knocked in the head and drug by your hair has anything to do with my post. He didn't hit me. He didn't slap me. He didn't hurt me. He grabbed my wrists. HE called 911. HE was drunk, and according to Washington state law if a domestic dispute is called in and the police feel that there's adequate cause to believe that someone could be in danger, they have to make an arrest. He HAD grabbed my wrists, and he was also drunk. I DO understand why they made the arrest. At that time, NOT arresting him would have been a gamble on their part. HOWEVER... he's never been abusive. Grabbing someone by their wrists does not an abuser make! I'm not making excuses. This is simply what happened. I just want to know how to get him home. No-contact orders are AUTOMATICALLY placed on people when there's a CHARGE (mind you, not a CONVICTION) of domestic violence or assault. THE CHARGES ARE PENDING! HE DID NOT ASSAULT ME! Jesus people...

If you don't like the law, write your congressperson. We do not have the authority to change it, and neither do you. There's no way around this just because you happen to feel like yours is a special case.

 

[Isis1]

He touched you in anger. He ASSAULTED you. You are still in denial. Him being drunk has nothing to do with anything.