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  1. #1
    stephanie.chlou is offline Junior Member
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    How to get a no-contact order dropped

    What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? Washington

    On Saturday, my fiancée was celebrating his birthday and had too much to drink. He got upset with me and we began to argue. When I tried to leave the room he did grab me by my wrists. He also pushed me, at which point I grabbed his shirt and it ripped. Because he was drunk, and I had ripped his shirt, he called 911. I DID NOT CALL 911!! When the police arrived, I told them what had happened, and because he was the "primary aggressor" they arrested him. He was charged with Assault 4, and plead not guilty this morning. However, the no contact order is still in place. I was supposed to have received a "victim statement form" in the mail, but they apparently had the wrong mailing address for me.

    Once I fill out the "victim statement" stating that I did not call 911, I did not feel threatened, I did not want him arrested, and I do not want a no-contact order what are the chances that the charges will be dropped and that he'll be able to come home?
  2. #2
    Proserpina is offline Senior Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by stephanie.chlou View Post
    What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? Washington

    On Saturday, my fiancée was celebrating his birthday and had too much to drink. He got upset with me and we began to argue. When I tried to leave the room he did grab me by my wrists. He also pushed me, at which point I grabbed his shirt and it ripped. Because he was drunk, and I had ripped his shirt, he called 911. I DID NOT CALL 911!! When the police arrived, I told them what had happened, and because he was the "primary aggressor" they arrested him. He was charged with Assault 4, and plead not guilty this morning. However, the no contact order is still in place. I was supposed to have received a "victim statement form" in the mail, but they apparently had the wrong mailing address for me.

    Once I fill out the "victim statement" stating that I did not call 911, I did not feel threatened, I did not want him arrested, and I do not want a no-contact order what are the chances that the charges will be dropped and that he'll be able to come home?


    No idea.

    But the authorities are used to victims either understating the events or even recanting previous statements; it's not a given that the charges will be dropped even if you do what you intend.
  3. #3
    Zigner is offline Senior Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by stephanie.chlou View Post
    What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? Washington

    On Saturday, my fiancée was celebrating his birthday and had too much to drink. He got upset with me and we began to argue. When I tried to leave the room he did grab me by my wrists. He also pushed me, at which point I grabbed his shirt and it ripped. Because he was drunk, and I had ripped his shirt, he called 911. I DID NOT CALL 911!! When the police arrived, I told them what had happened, and because he was the "primary aggressor" they arrested him. He was charged with Assault 4, and plead not guilty this morning. However, the no contact order is still in place. I was supposed to have received a "victim statement form" in the mail, but they apparently had the wrong mailing address for me.

    Once I fill out the "victim statement" stating that I did not call 911, I did not feel threatened, I did not want him arrested, and I do not want a no-contact order what are the chances that the charges will be dropped and that he'll be able to come home?
    He is your fiancé, not your fiancée

    With that said...you really need to contact some local battered women's resources...the police should be able to give you some referrals. Don't plan on the no-contact order being lifted. The courts have seen way too many victims who don't think their abusers should be in jail, etc.
  4. #4
    stephanie.chlou is offline Junior Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by Zigner View Post
    He is your fiancé, not your fiancée

    With that said...you really need to contact some local battered women's resources...the police should be able to give you some referrals. Don't plan on the no-contact order being lifted. The courts have seen way too many victims who don't think their abusers should be in jail, etc.
    Although I do understand the purpose behind no-contact and protective orders, I find it very insulting that they look at this situation in the same way that they look at a man who actually assaults their partner. I am, in no way, a battered person. I have been told repeatedly that the no-contact order is in place for my own peace of mind and safety, but because of the no-contact order my children are now without their father (we live far from family and therefore they cannot see their father... that would require ME seeing their father, and despite the fact that I WANT to see him, I don't want him to go to jail for a year..) we are going to have to be without him during the holiday (again, despite the fact that I do not feel threatened, never did feel threatened, and didn't want him arrested and charges pressed) and financially this has become a hardship, not just because of court costs but because he now has to stay in a hotel due to not being able to return to the family home. The prosecutor for the attorney (who is apparently pressing charges because I am a VICTIM) failed to inform me of my rights (as a victim) and because of that I wasn't even aware that I could not only attend his hearing but speak at it. ALL I want is to get him home with his family. He made a mistake. He did not hurt me or the children. This is outrageous!
  5. #5
    Blue Meanie is offline Senior Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by stephanie.chlou View Post
    Although I do understand the purpose behind no-contact and protective orders, I find it very insulting that they look at this situation in the same way that they look at a man who actually assaults their partner. !
    If you were riding on a public bus attempted to step off at your stop and a total stranger prevented you from leaving, grabbed your wrists and pushed you...Would you be outraged if the police attested said stranger? NO? Then why do you think it is OKAY for the man who is supposed to love and protect you, to ASSAULT you?

    BTW: Please look up the LEGAL DEFINITION of "assault".

    When I tried to leave the room he did grab me by my wrists. He also pushed me,
  6. #6
    anearthw is offline Member
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    He grabbed your wrists and pushed you. Why do you not think that is considered an assault? As Blue Meanie said, look up the legal definition of assault.

    No-contact orders exist in part because of women who consider every other woman an assault victim except themselves. These orders exist because there are a lot of dead women who refused to protect themselves and their children, so the state has to step in to protect them.

    You seem to blame everyone else in this situation except the man who assaulted you.
  7. #7
    stephanie.chlou is offline Junior Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by anearthw View Post
    He grabbed your wrists and pushed you. Why do you not think that is considered an assault? As Blue Meanie said, look up the legal definition of assault.

    No-contact orders exist in part because of women who consider every other woman an assault victim except themselves. These orders exist because there are a lot of dead women who refused to protect themselves and their children, so the state has to step in to protect them.

    You seem to blame everyone else in this situation except the man who assaulted you.
    AGAIN... I'm not JUSTIFYING what he did. He definitely needs to stop drinking and he should never have done what he did. However, that being said.. he did not hurt me. At no point during the evening did I feel threatened. Angry? Yes. But not threatened. I would not have called 911. He called 911 himself. That evening I asked that he not be arrested, but they told me they had to... and I understand why. At no point did I say that I didn't understand why they arrested him... if the police had left, they have no idea how the situation would have panned out. It didn't look good, I do understand that as well. HOWEVER, that being said... it is insulting that the county is stepping in and telling that they know what's best for me and my family because after all, I am nothing but battered spouse who doesn't have a voice of her own. I'm not battered. If, in three years of living together, there is not ONE sign of a domestically violent situation, why do they feel that it is their duty to protect me from someone that I don't need protection from??
  8. #8
    Blue Meanie is offline Senior Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by stephanie.chlou View Post
    AGAIN... I'm not JUSTIFYING what he did. He definitely needs to stop drinking and he should never have done what he did. However, that being said.. he did not hurt me. At no point during the evening did I feel threatened. Angry? Yes. But not threatened. I would not have called 911. He called 911 himself. That evening I asked that he not be arrested, but they told me they had to... and I understand why. At no point did I say that I didn't understand why they arrested him... if the police had left, they have no idea how the situation would have panned out. It didn't look good, I do understand that as well. HOWEVER, that being said... it is insulting that the county is stepping in and telling that they know what's best for me and my family because after all, I am nothing but battered spouse who doesn't have a voice of her own. I'm not battered. If, in three years of living together, there is not ONE sign of a domestically violent situation, why do they feel that it is their duty to protect me from someone that I don't need protection from??
    why do they feel that it is their duty to protect me from someone that I don't need protection from
    Because he assaulted you and you don't seem to understand that.
  9. #9
    justalayman is offline Senior Member
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    so, by him forcibly grabbing you and pushing you, you didn't feel threatened.

    Wow, you must be into some wild private activities.

    This was not two people playing around. It was assault and battery.
  10. #10
    stephanie.chlou is offline Junior Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by anearthw View Post
    He grabbed your wrists and pushed you. Why do you not think that is considered an assault? As Blue Meanie said, look up the legal definition of assault.

    No-contact orders exist in part because of women who consider every other woman an assault victim except themselves. These orders exist because there are a lot of dead women who refused to protect themselves and their children, so the state has to step in to protect them.

    You seem to blame everyone else in this situation except the man who assaulted you.
    AGAIN... I'm not JUSTIFYING what he did. He definitely needs to stop drinking and he should never have done what he did. However, that being said.. he did not hurt me. At no point during the evening did I feel threatened. Angry? Yes. But not threatened. I would not have called 911. He called 911 himself. That evening I asked that he not be arrested, but they told me they had to... and I understand why. At no point did I say that I didn't understand why they arrested him... if the police had left, they have no idea how the situation would have panned out. It didn't look good, I do understand that as well. HOWEVER, that being said... it is insulting that the county is stepping in and telling that they know what's best for me and my family because after all, I am nothing but battered spouse who doesn't have a voice of her own. I'm not battered. If, in three years of living together, there is not ONE sign of a domestically violent situation, why do they feel that it is their duty to protect me from someone that I don't need protection from??
  11. #11
    Isis1 is offline Senior Member
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    Okay fine. You don't think you were battered. But you were. Case closed.

    Now, let's take you out of the equation. A man who assaults someone and is not punished has a greater chance of beating the next woman. So thanks for that.
  12. #12
    Blue Meanie is offline Senior Member
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    why do they feel that it is their duty to protect me from someone that I don't need protection from??
    Because he assaulted you and you don't seem to understand that.
  13. #13
    justalayman is offline Senior Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by stephanie.chlou View Post
    why do they feel that it is their duty to protect me from someone that I don't need protection from??
    because they are tired of coming back and collecting dead bodies of women that said, "no, he didn't hit me", or " he didn't mean it", or " I hit him first", and a thousand other excuses where a woman would do anything to keep her man from going to jail the first time they came to a DV call.
  14. #14
    stephanie.chlou is offline Junior Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by justalayman View Post
    so, by him forcibly grabbing you and pushing you, you didn't feel threatened.

    Wow, you must be into some wild private activities.

    This was not two people playing around. It was assault and battery.
    Well, in that case, my children assault each other weekly. YES, it was wrong. And yes... I understand why they arrested him. But, in three years of being together, he's never done anything like this before. I'm not some sniveling little housewife. If I was threatened, if not for my own good, then for my children's, I would not be in this relationship.

    It just seems like a one time occurrence, isolated, no corroborating witness, no marks... and, according to my sister who has been out to see him, he's not only saying he's never going to drink again, but has, of his own volition, decided to start attending local AA meetings. I agree that what he did was wrong... but where is the line drawn? If I were to call him obscene names would I be arrested? Yes, he grabbed me, he pushed me. It was wrong. But he didn't even hurt me. And if this was a repeated act, I would understand.. but to be not only charged, but kept away from his family? And yes.. he made a mistake, he should suffer. But our children are also suffering! I'm suffering! This has been MUCH harder (emotionally, financially, and in my day to day life of raising four children) than that night ever could have possibly been.
  15. #15
    justalayman is offline Senior Member
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    Him starting AA is a good reaction to this. About all you can do at this point is get him a lawyer, if possible, or apply for a public defender if you can't. He needs to not say a thing to the police or DA from this point on without a lawyer advising him. You need to be very cautious and anything you say really needs to match what you told them that day. Of course, everybody remembers things that were forgotten or have an epiphany of things being different than what you had stated but realize that if there is a big change in what you say now versus what you said that day, you can get charged yourself.

    I understand your position but the problem is; a first time often leads to a second time and the first time the cops are called is often not the first time something like this has happened, typically. They have to go with the odds and treat it like a typical situation. The cops have a lot less choice in the matter anymore. Then, once the ball gets rolling, there really isn't much you can do to stop it. It has to reach the bottom on it's own.

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