single317dad
Senior Member
I don't share this story a lot, for a few reasons. It's not very valuable to most discussions, it will sound like a plea for sympathy at some points, and to be honest it's pretty embarrassing. I think it will make my point well in this case, though.
I was arrested twice as a minor for simple assault. Standard boys will be boys stuff. I never took lip off anybody, or so I thought. I calmed down a lot after my teen years and became a very passive person. Fast forward ~20 years.
When I got with my son's mom, I fell into a victim mentality almost immediately. From day one, she was manipulating me perfectly, better than any puppeteer. I did anything I was asked. I quit my job to care for her addiction. I ended up losing my home and my vehicle, as well as the vehicle I bought for her. Everything I owned (which was substantial) was gone. I went from a highly independent single man to a trapped victim, with no belongings, no money, no transportation, a baby to care for, and constant abuse.
She cheated, a lot. With a lot of men. Bringing up the subject always resulted in a huge fight (physical on her part) with police called, and claims of abuse by me. I took all the money I could scrape together once (the TANF she was collecting illegally and some yard sale money) and planned to get out. She jumped off the second step of the staircase onto a baby gate to scrape up her thighs and called the police claiming i raped her. She only backed off when they told her she'd have to get a rape kit at the hospital and I told her where the cash was hidden. I was talking to my mother about leaving another time; she heard me on the phone and cut her wrists (just enough to draw a little blood) and sent pictures to my best friend's wife. The police came and made me drive her to the hospital for assessment for 72-hour hold. I practically begged them to keep her to give me time to get out. They were unable, because it was clear she was just seeking attention and not a danger.
We were both arrested and charged with DV in 2008, when my son was 3 months old. The police in that town had already been to our house several times in the last few weeks. I didn't want to fight again that night. I put my shoes on to leave; I was hit with a phone, fists, feet, and a door. I pushed her away to get to the door, and used a maneuver of twisting her wrist to leverage her to the floor so I could pass and get to the outside door. Three days later, I was at work and police came to arrest me for DV based on her report that day. I had told her that morning before I left that I would be late from work having a drink with a friend. That was enough to set her off. I gave the police an entirely different story, and she was arrested and charged as well. We both bonded out for $150 each and $200 to the neighbor caring for my son overnight. I finally beat the charge after thousands in legal fees and untold missed time at work and other expenses. She was convicted but not punished beyond probation with no requirements.
Another time, I told a man that if he came around my family again, I'd call up the police on a warrant I knew he had. The next morning, police escorted me out of my house while she had her family move all my belongings and furniture out to her new pad with the same man. The protective order was dropped 62 days later. I couldn't see my son in that time, but she called me obsessively, then called police and claimed I had talked to her when I refused to talk to her. I used that event as a springboard to move away.
In 2010, I was arrested again for DV in another town. I had finally moved, but she showed up with police claiming she lived there (it was a house we'd moved away from, and I'd moved back). The cops said I'd go to jail if I stopped her from coming in. I had pneumonia and a fever of 104+. I let her in and slept on the sofa. When I woke up at 2am and asked her to speak more softly, as I could hear her talking to another man on the phone in the garage, she flipped out and ran to my son's room. She dialed 911 and screamed that I had a gun (I owned guns, they were locked up) and that I had her trapped in the house. I immediately walked outside in early March, with a fever, and no shirt on with my hands up. I knew they'd arrive soon; the police knew our address by heart. I was cuffed, transported, and booked on her report alone as friends and neighbors watched. I took a plea to a lesser charge after 9 months, because despite calling my mother daily and begging for me to contact her, promising that she'd set the record straight and not testify, she was sitting in the gallery with her new man ready to claim I'd been contacting her against the TRO. That would have been easy enough to disprove, but would have required an immediate arrest for Invasion of Privacy. I had my 2 year old son at home waiting for me, I couldn't go to jail that day. I also had a police corporal who was prepared to testify that I'd admitted to touching her (all that's needed for DV here), even though the video and audio from the car were conveniently "unavailable". I took the plea.
At that point, I still didn't really have my head on straight about DV and the system, or a lot of other things. It took some time with the men in my court-ordered DV classes to bring me around. We took an anonymous poll of how many men were there because they actually hit a woman. Three of 32 answered yes. Now, of course some of them weren't truthful, but after spending 52 Mondays with these guys I was inclined to believe most of them. In that year, many men passed through those doors, and only a few women. The women never returned after one session. The men always had 13, 26, or 52 sessions. The fee was $28 per week. I met a lot of men in my own situation, and a few who hit their women but didn't really want to anymore. And a few who were just hopeless. I went on to speak publicly twice for the victim's advocate at DV "survivor" gatherings. Public speaking is a hard thing for me, but I used it as part of my own kind of therapy. I faced women (and a few men) who were beaten, stabbed, shot, nearly killed by their abusers. I gave a lot of thought to why each one was there, including myself.
The bond was $1500. The lawyer was $1350. The classes were $1456. It was the best money I ever spent. I learned a lot about myself and how to avoid these situations in the future. I learned why I was such a strong person when it came to business deals or dealing with aggressive men, and so weak when a woman had me cornered. I needed a day in jail and a huge upheaval in my life to change my outlook on DV and relationships.
I think a lot of the reason why men are arrested more for DV is that it's much harder for a woman to physically hurt a man without a weapon. All the times I absorbed physical abuse from my ex, I never showed a single mark. She, on the other hand, bruised if you breathed hard on her (partly due to the drugs). Women have learned how to be conniving, manipulative, and cruel in other ways, and to use the legal system to corner the men they abuse, while men as a rule still use their fists.
If we're going to have #yesallwomen hashtags (which I think is fine, but very misguided), then we need to look at the whole picture fairly. Stop making women out to be only victims and men only aggressors. It's wrong, factually and morally.
I was arrested twice as a minor for simple assault. Standard boys will be boys stuff. I never took lip off anybody, or so I thought. I calmed down a lot after my teen years and became a very passive person. Fast forward ~20 years.
When I got with my son's mom, I fell into a victim mentality almost immediately. From day one, she was manipulating me perfectly, better than any puppeteer. I did anything I was asked. I quit my job to care for her addiction. I ended up losing my home and my vehicle, as well as the vehicle I bought for her. Everything I owned (which was substantial) was gone. I went from a highly independent single man to a trapped victim, with no belongings, no money, no transportation, a baby to care for, and constant abuse.
She cheated, a lot. With a lot of men. Bringing up the subject always resulted in a huge fight (physical on her part) with police called, and claims of abuse by me. I took all the money I could scrape together once (the TANF she was collecting illegally and some yard sale money) and planned to get out. She jumped off the second step of the staircase onto a baby gate to scrape up her thighs and called the police claiming i raped her. She only backed off when they told her she'd have to get a rape kit at the hospital and I told her where the cash was hidden. I was talking to my mother about leaving another time; she heard me on the phone and cut her wrists (just enough to draw a little blood) and sent pictures to my best friend's wife. The police came and made me drive her to the hospital for assessment for 72-hour hold. I practically begged them to keep her to give me time to get out. They were unable, because it was clear she was just seeking attention and not a danger.
We were both arrested and charged with DV in 2008, when my son was 3 months old. The police in that town had already been to our house several times in the last few weeks. I didn't want to fight again that night. I put my shoes on to leave; I was hit with a phone, fists, feet, and a door. I pushed her away to get to the door, and used a maneuver of twisting her wrist to leverage her to the floor so I could pass and get to the outside door. Three days later, I was at work and police came to arrest me for DV based on her report that day. I had told her that morning before I left that I would be late from work having a drink with a friend. That was enough to set her off. I gave the police an entirely different story, and she was arrested and charged as well. We both bonded out for $150 each and $200 to the neighbor caring for my son overnight. I finally beat the charge after thousands in legal fees and untold missed time at work and other expenses. She was convicted but not punished beyond probation with no requirements.
Another time, I told a man that if he came around my family again, I'd call up the police on a warrant I knew he had. The next morning, police escorted me out of my house while she had her family move all my belongings and furniture out to her new pad with the same man. The protective order was dropped 62 days later. I couldn't see my son in that time, but she called me obsessively, then called police and claimed I had talked to her when I refused to talk to her. I used that event as a springboard to move away.
In 2010, I was arrested again for DV in another town. I had finally moved, but she showed up with police claiming she lived there (it was a house we'd moved away from, and I'd moved back). The cops said I'd go to jail if I stopped her from coming in. I had pneumonia and a fever of 104+. I let her in and slept on the sofa. When I woke up at 2am and asked her to speak more softly, as I could hear her talking to another man on the phone in the garage, she flipped out and ran to my son's room. She dialed 911 and screamed that I had a gun (I owned guns, they were locked up) and that I had her trapped in the house. I immediately walked outside in early March, with a fever, and no shirt on with my hands up. I knew they'd arrive soon; the police knew our address by heart. I was cuffed, transported, and booked on her report alone as friends and neighbors watched. I took a plea to a lesser charge after 9 months, because despite calling my mother daily and begging for me to contact her, promising that she'd set the record straight and not testify, she was sitting in the gallery with her new man ready to claim I'd been contacting her against the TRO. That would have been easy enough to disprove, but would have required an immediate arrest for Invasion of Privacy. I had my 2 year old son at home waiting for me, I couldn't go to jail that day. I also had a police corporal who was prepared to testify that I'd admitted to touching her (all that's needed for DV here), even though the video and audio from the car were conveniently "unavailable". I took the plea.
At that point, I still didn't really have my head on straight about DV and the system, or a lot of other things. It took some time with the men in my court-ordered DV classes to bring me around. We took an anonymous poll of how many men were there because they actually hit a woman. Three of 32 answered yes. Now, of course some of them weren't truthful, but after spending 52 Mondays with these guys I was inclined to believe most of them. In that year, many men passed through those doors, and only a few women. The women never returned after one session. The men always had 13, 26, or 52 sessions. The fee was $28 per week. I met a lot of men in my own situation, and a few who hit their women but didn't really want to anymore. And a few who were just hopeless. I went on to speak publicly twice for the victim's advocate at DV "survivor" gatherings. Public speaking is a hard thing for me, but I used it as part of my own kind of therapy. I faced women (and a few men) who were beaten, stabbed, shot, nearly killed by their abusers. I gave a lot of thought to why each one was there, including myself.
The bond was $1500. The lawyer was $1350. The classes were $1456. It was the best money I ever spent. I learned a lot about myself and how to avoid these situations in the future. I learned why I was such a strong person when it came to business deals or dealing with aggressive men, and so weak when a woman had me cornered. I needed a day in jail and a huge upheaval in my life to change my outlook on DV and relationships.
I think a lot of the reason why men are arrested more for DV is that it's much harder for a woman to physically hurt a man without a weapon. All the times I absorbed physical abuse from my ex, I never showed a single mark. She, on the other hand, bruised if you breathed hard on her (partly due to the drugs). Women have learned how to be conniving, manipulative, and cruel in other ways, and to use the legal system to corner the men they abuse, while men as a rule still use their fists.
If we're going to have #yesallwomen hashtags (which I think is fine, but very misguided), then we need to look at the whole picture fairly. Stop making women out to be only victims and men only aggressors. It's wrong, factually and morally.
