I want to stop. HELP!

[bluenergy]

I dont know where to start. My wife and kids have moved down the street to her sisters temporarily. I've been blowing up lately kicking holes in walls, yelling, cussing, generaly out of control. This has been going on foe months now. My wife has called the police on me at least 5 times, mainly because shes scared..i understand that. I have recently begun to seek counsling, though my next appt isnt until june 28th. I cant sleep, all i think about is how i have been acting, and that seems to get me agitated. I know its wrong to act this way to someone im supposed to love. But i dont know how to control it or whats setting me off. I want help, and im seeking it, but its just not fast enough, i dont have 3 weeks to wait. Ive called the crisis line, again, and unless im a threat to myself or others theres nothing they can do. I feel like such a worthless piece of crap. How can I alienate my wife and family. Noone will talk to me, her sister says to divorce me. I just dont know whats going on in side my head.

Let me give you some more background. My stepson 14, has been in trouble with the law, sold drugs in school, got expelled, and all he can do is blame me and everyone else for his problems. We dont do drugs, drink, or anything illegal. He states he wants me gone for the past 3 years and has told everyone that. Me and his mom have been together for almost 4 yrs, we have a daughter between who is 2 and I love her very much. She has another son 9 who is very kind got honor role, and has never caused me any problems whatsoever.

I was laid off in April, been looking for work since then, bills are piling up, and overall this isnt helping either. Most importantly, I have scared the crap out of my wife enough that she feels she cant be in the same house with me. I want to stop this, and figure out why im doing this. Im not supposed to scare my wife and family. Yes, I guess im an abuser, emotionally...havnt always been like this. its like something inside of snapped, or like a switch that was turned on, and now i cant or dont know how to turn it off.
Ive been doing alot of reading, and it seems it could be anything from anger management to bipolar and everything in between. Me writing this isnt easy for everyone to see, but i just want help, and want my wife and kids NOT to be scared of me! Im not a bad person, i know this! Im screwed up. Please dont respond with hateful comments, im needing help, not someone to say "good, she should leave" or things like that. Maybe she should, but regardless, i need to get a grasp on reality, and stop feeling paranoid, angry, and thinking everyone hates or is against me. I just want it all to stop, before I get any further out of hand. This isnt fair to anyone.

 

[Banned_Princess]

How is this a legal question?

How about you stop kicking holes in the walls and whatnot. you can legally do that.

Seek medical help if you cannot, not legal help.

 

[stealth2]

I would make an appointment with your doctor - there may be a medical reason for your behavior. Even if not, s/he may be able to get you the resources you need more quickly.

 

[Hot Topic]

If you really wanted help, you would already have sought it from professionals who deal with abusers. You would already have gone to your doctor to see if there was something medical behind your behavior. You would have gone to a healthcare professional for psychological evaluation.
As you say, your destructive behavior has gone on for months, but that you "recently" went for counselling. Don't expect people to clear their calendars if you only recently have sought help.

Don't try to blame your problems on your stepson. Before you say you aren't, remember that you're the one who brought him up. Don't blame it on unemployment. There are millions of husbands and fathers who haven't reacted as you have.

I don't know what you expect from us. I think the persons best served by our advice would be your wife and children.

 

[AnonMI]

I don't know how to help you, but I want to say that I think it is really good that you are seeking counseling, and recognize that you have a problem. Please keep working on it, and I also suggest calling your regular doctor for an appointment, while you wait for your next counseling appointment. They might be able to help you as well.

I hope that one day my spouse realizes that they have a problem too.

 

[stealth2]

I have to agree with Hot Topic, xylene. That was just irresponsible advice.

 

[Finished2010]

I found a group online at mdjunction.com that may be able to help you out.
It is very important that you speak to your doctor. It is also imperative that you continue in counseling. Anger is a normal emotion, what isn't normal is exploding the way you describe. Your feelings could be born of stress over the issues you listed. However, it is not an excuse for you behavior. The road to recovery begins with you accepting personal responsibility for your actions. Teenagers are hard to handle but if you have been acting in this way for a while the oldest boy may be just tired of your crap. He to is probably angry and acting out his emotions negatively. You have caused your wife and children a great deal of pain and fear, they may all need time in forgiving you and you must forgive yourself as well. I know not your religious beliefs but I would recommend speaking to a pastor at your church if you have a specific one you attend or just a church in your area, they too can help point you in the right direction as far as counseling. For the meantime keep a journal of your feelings when you start to feel angry. As soon as you feel yourself becoming agitated start to write. Do not worry about making sense, just write what you are feeling even if it is just words like sad or mad, whatever. Write what comes to mind, reread it later after you have calmed down and maybe you will be able to find what is triggering your emotions. Best of luck, you are doing the right thing seeking help now, sooner would have been better yes, but later is better than never. Good luck, and may God Bless you.

 

[Hot Topic]

The site referred to is seeking donations to keep it running, and the operators stress that the site is not a substitute for consulting with healthcare professionals. You must also register to use it.