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My girlfriends mother is abusive

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dtw5021

Junior Member
What is the name of your state? Pennsylvania

Okay, I've been contemplating this for far too long now. Now that I have the opportunity to ask others for advice, that's just what I'll do (I only recently discovered freeadvice forums or I'd have asked sooner). And so here is my story.

My girlfriend's mother is abusive to her. Hits her, breaks her down mentally, and is sickeningly critical of her in every possible way she can be. A couple months ago her mom started acting strange. For the first few months her and I were dating, things were mostly fine. Her and her mother hadn't been having a lot of arguements or anything like that. Somewhere along the line however, her mom took a turn for the worse and basically became bitter and hostile toward her daughter. She would come into school with new bruises and marks on a regular basis. My girlfriend is utterly and completly petrified of her mother, and I can see why.

Shortly after her mom became this way, she kicked my girlfriend out of their house (for reasons undisclosed to me- personally I don't think the reason makes a difference). I went to visit my girlfriend the next day at her Aunt and Uncle's house where she'd spend the next two or three days. When I got there and saw her I was horrified at what her mother had done. Nearly the entire left side of my girlfriend's head had been bruised and beaten, along with her arms and legs. In fact, even her ear was bruised. That may not be a surprise but to me it was; I had never seen an ear bruise before (or anything else composed of cartilage for that matter). She was so sensitive to any kind of physical contact that day- I had to be careful when I hugged her so that I wouldn't hurt her.

Sorry. I don't mean to write a book here so I'll wrap it up for you. Basically, I've been tempted to call anonymously and report her mother for child abuse. I haven't up to this point basically because my girlfriend didn't want me to for fear that her mother would abuse her more once she found out she was being investigated (though I've been told that's unlikely because then her mother's abuse will be very very obvious to children & youth services). My only hesitation now is that I'm unable to talk to my girlfriend (mother's orders) at all and it's nearly impossible for me to know if there will be marks on her from her mother when she is interviewed. Without evidence, it's unlikely that the people from children & youth services would be able to do anything for her.

Please....any advice, thoughts, and/or input would be GREATLY appreciated.
Thank you so much.

*for the record I am 18 and my girlfriend recently turned 17 (don't know if that's important or not)
 


Ohiogal

Queen Bee
If she is being abused she should call Child and Family or the police or talk to a school counselor or teacher (they are mandatory reporters).
 

BL

Senior Member
What is the name of your state? Pennsylvania

Okay, I've been contemplating this for far too long now. Now that I have the opportunity to ask others for advice, that's just what I'll do (I only recently discovered freeadvice forums or I'd have asked sooner). And so here is my story.

My girlfriend's mother is abusive to her. Hits her, breaks her down mentally, and is sickeningly critical of her in every possible way she can be. A couple months ago her mom started acting strange. For the first few months her and I were dating, things were mostly fine. Her and her mother hadn't been having a lot of arguements or anything like that. Somewhere along the line however, her mom took a turn for the worse and basically became bitter and hostile toward her daughter. She would come into school with new bruises and marks on a regular basis. My girlfriend is utterly and completly petrified of her mother, and I can see why.

Shortly after her mom became this way, she kicked my girlfriend out of their house (for reasons undisclosed to me- personally I don't think the reason makes a difference). I went to visit my girlfriend the next day at her Aunt and Uncle's house where she'd spend the next two or three days. When I got there and saw her I was horrified at what her mother had done. Nearly the entire left side of my girlfriend's head had been bruised and beaten, along with her arms and legs. In fact, even her ear was bruised. That may not be a surprise but to me it was; I had never seen an ear bruise before (or anything else composed of cartilage for that matter). She was so sensitive to any kind of physical contact that day- I had to be careful when I hugged her so that I wouldn't hurt her.

Sorry. I don't mean to write a book here so I'll wrap it up for you. Basically, I've been tempted to call anonymously and report her mother for child abuse. I haven't up to this point basically because my girlfriend didn't want me to for fear that her mother would abuse her more once she found out she was being investigated (though I've been told that's unlikely because then her mother's abuse will be very very obvious to children & youth services). My only hesitation now is that I'm unable to talk to my girlfriend (mother's orders) at all and it's nearly impossible for me to know if there will be marks on her from her mother when she is interviewed. Without evidence, it's unlikely that the people from children & youth services would be able to do anything for her.

Please....any advice, thoughts, and/or input would be GREATLY appreciated.
Thank you so much.

*for the record I am 18 and my girlfriend recently turned 17 (don't know if that's important or not)

You don't see Her in School ?
Mother's orders , or a restraining Order from the Court .

If no restraining Order , or even If there is and you suspect She still has bruises , or see Her with bruises in the Future , Tell the School personal what you do know .

By Law If the school professional suspect abuse , the have to notify child protective services , and an investigation will occur .

From what you described , this has gone past abuse , to assault .

I also think it's pretty pathetic of the people in her life , not getting the authorities involved .

One call to 911 when you , Aunt and Uncle , seen her bruised like this .
 

dtw5021

Junior Member
You don't see Her in School ?
Mother's orders , or a restraining Order from the Court .

If no restraining Order , or even If there is and you suspect She still has bruises , or see Her with bruises in the Future , Tell the School personal what you do know .

By Law If the school professional suspect abuse , the have to notify child protective services , and an investigation will occur .

From what you described , this has gone past abuse , to assault .

I also think it's pretty pathetic of the people in her life , not getting the authorities involved .

One call to 911 when you , Aunt and Uncle , seen her bruised like this .
No unfortunately I don't ever see her because she's still in high school and I just started college this year. I live about an hour and 10mins away so I don't have a lot of opportunity to see her.

As for mothers orders or a restraining order- her mom has threatened to file a restraining order on me if I don't quit talking to my girlfriend through our friends (basicially the only way I've been able to communicate with her). In fact, she sent me an email saying that if I didn't quit talking to her daughter, she would have no choice but to file a restraining order against me. Needless to say I didn't quit talking to her.

This past Saturday while I was home for the weekend, her mom had the nerve to call my mom and tell her that she will be filing a restraining order against me as she's "told me many times not to talk to her daughter" (I guess she can't count. One doesn't seem equal to "many" in my opinion). So apparently I'm looking down the barrel of a restraining order, though I've not heard anything from her attorney or anything like that yet.

So it's now highly unlikely that I'll see her anytime in the near future, or even talk to her for that matter (her mom took her cell phone, doesn't let her on the computer, rarely lets her use the home phone and monitors when she does, etc.).

I guess I'm just asking if you guys and gals think it's still a good idea at this point to report her mother.
Thanks.
 

BL

Senior Member
She is old enough to call the Police , 911 , or report and show the abuse to school nurse and personal , as OhioGal Stated .

You are no longer around , so they may not even file any suspected abuse report you file , or call in .
 

dtw5021

Junior Member
Damn it. That makes it very difficult. The fact that she is utterly terrified of her mother blows away any hope of her doing it herself. I don't know what to do...
 

BL

Senior Member
Damn it. That makes it very difficult. The fact that she is utterly terrified of her mother blows away any hope of her doing it herself. I don't know what to do...

I will reiterate what I stated in my other post .

I think it's pretty pathetic of person around Her at the time of such an assault , not to report it , then and there , including YOU .

Why are you so concerned NOW ? , because you're in jeopardy of a no contact Order and are being cut off ?

Let me ask you , What are BOTH of you intentions when She turns 18 yrs. old and can do as She pleases ?

Sure you could send a Letter of concern to Her school .

You could try and call in an anonymous Child Abuse report .

Both may backfire on you , and support a restraining order .

Why are you worth anything to her NOW , when you Didn't do anything when She was all bruised up , and being beaten ? Tell us that .
 

dtw5021

Junior Member
I will reiterate what I stated in my other post .

I think it's pretty pathetic of person around Her at the time of such an assault , not to report it , then and there , including YOU .

Why are you so concerned NOW ? , because you're in jeopardy of a no contact Order and are being cut off ?

Let me ask you , What are BOTH of you intentions when She turns 18 yrs. old and can do as She pleases ?

Sure you could send a Letter of concern to Her school .

You could try and call in an anonymous Child Abuse report .

Both may backfire on you , and support a restraining order .

Why are you worth anything to her NOW , when you Didn't do anything when She was all bruised up , and being beaten ? Tell us that .
Her and I have discussed it and when she turns 18 she'll be moving out (obviously) and her mom will no longer control us. What we do at that point is irrelevant and none of your business.

Why am I so concerned "NOW"? Excuse me, apparently I didn't make this clear in the first post that I've been concerned from the start! To be quite honest, I don't give a damn if her mom files a restraining order on me. It's not like I get to see her daughter or talk to her more often than (if I'm lucky) once a month anyway.

Once again, apparently I failed to make it clear why I didn't report this to begin with and so I'll reiterate in saying that the reason I didn't report this sooner is because of my girlfriend's telling me not to. I realize at this point that I should have done it anyway but I can't go back now, can I? So no matter how much you scrutinize me for not reporting it sooner, it doesn't make a difference because I CAN'T GO BACK.
 

CdwJava

Senior Member
If no one reports this to the police or to CPS then it is as if it never happened. The girl will have to remain with her mother until she reaches the age of maturity (18).

Yes, you CAN call the police on past abuse. If the aunt and uncle are willing to cooperate as witnesses, then CPS can likely make a case to remove her from the home. No call equals no problem. And if the problem is as bad as you claim, SOMEONE should have called the police. Personally, I find it reprehensible of the aunt and uncle that they did not call the police when she showed up at their place battered and beaten. Unless they know more of the story than you do (like, perhaps, the girl assaults her mom even worse), then their failure to act is despicable. Your failure to call is only slight less reprehensible if she was so injured as to be tender to the touch!

I find it hard to believe that she is showing up at school battered and bruised and NO ONE has reported it. The bruises are either easily concealable, or things are not quite as bad as you indicate. Schools tend to be overly sensitive on reporting issues so if they even suspected abuse I would guess that a call would have been made at least to CPS.

In any event, due to the aunt's and uncle's failure to call, if CPS removes her form the home it is a safe bet that this aunt and uncle would not stand much of a chance of gaining temporary guardianship and she would likely go to foster care out of the area.

- Carl
 

angelmama

Member
OP, you should call Childline at 1-800-932-0313 . Its a 24 hour, toll free hotline for reporting child abuse and you can remain anonymous.
 

CdwJava

Senior Member
While the anonymous line is better than nothing, anonymous reports have very little standing in law and do not allow for prosecution or even much investigation.

- Carl
 

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