Need help with Parental Abuse

[zeriddle]

North Carolina

For the past two years now my brother has made the life of my family a complete living hell. He is almost 17, and he smokes weed and tobacco, drinks, and just outright lies to my parents. Since he was 14 he has been stealing my car and going out all night, and since getting his own license he has gotten about 3 tickets, and a citation for being caught with marijuana. He steals money from me and my license(since we look alike) to buy cigarettes and according to my mom he even stole and sold her wedding ring. My ipod has been missing now for a month along with a car attachment, but I have no evidence. Whenever he doesn't get his way he gets violent, or mocks my parents, often threatening them. When my parents try to stay strong he threatens to kill himself. He never abides by his punishments and often skips school. He failed 2 classes last year and my parents convinced me to do his online summer courses just so he could pass. He often never comes home on the weekend and when my parents try to discipline him he gets mad and punches holes in our walls-some have been patched but most haven't. A couple of nights ago he even kicked my puppy who has never even looked at him the wrong way. He'll often attack me or my father knowing that since we are both legal adults if we touch him we could end up in prison. Just today he smashed my face into a wall when I tried to stop him from leaving and my chin hasn't stopped bleeding. My parents are constantly at each others throats because of this and it is affecting my school grades. My mom has gotten to the point of desperation where she has started to work two jobs to try and send him to military school. I have been on anti-anxiety medicine now since may when he broke down my door and attacked me when I wouldn't give him my keys. My parents are to ashamed to do anything about it. What actions can I take against my brother-for the sake of my family.

 

[commentator]

Please clarify. How old are you? Why are you still living at home? Who bought, paid for and titled your car? There are a lot of misconceptions floating around in this post, but we need lots more information to be helpful. Has your brother had problems at school? Is he in any sort of juvenile corrections trouble? Has anyone outside the family become involved with his behavior before? Usually people aren't one way at home and one way in the rest of the world. Is your brother in any kind of counseling? If your anxieties and problems are so bad that you are on anti anxiety meds, why hasn't someone in the family or the court system tried the counseling/medication route with your brother? Threatening to kill himself should get him time in psych facility, not whatever he wants from his parents. But wouldn't it be better for you to get away and live in an a apartment or dorm and separate yourself from the situation?

 

[zeriddle]

Sorry for the need to clarify. I'm 19 and currently living at home because I'm paying my way through college. The car is in my fathers name-he just hasn't gotten around to signing it over to me. My brother is constantly getting in trouble at school(skipping, outburst in classrooms, even started a food fight last year). From the people I still know who are in High School, whether just via facebook, or from a sports team I played on, he is considered a menace by most people at school. An exgirlfriend of mine who is a waiter at a restaurant even told me that he ditched a 30 dollar bill at the restaurant one time. My mother has tried to get him to talk to a counselor but he refuses. He is 5'10 260 lbs, and is very violent. My mother has even tried to have him admitted to a psych ward, but when he gets violent, my parents know that he could possibly kill them, and back off.

 

[TheGeekess]

Sorry for the need to clarify. I'm 19 and currently living at home because I'm paying my way through college. The car is in my fathers name-he just hasn't gotten around to signing it over to me. My brother is constantly getting in trouble at school(skipping, outburst in classrooms, even started a food fight last year). From the people I still know who are in High School, whether just via facebook, or from a sports team I played on, he is considered a menace by most people at school. An exgirlfriend of mine who is a waiter at a restaurant even told me that he ditched a 30 dollar bill at the restaurant one time. My mother has tried to get him to talk to a counselor but he refuses. He is 5'10 260 lbs, and is very violent. My mother has even tried to have him admitted to a psych ward, but when he gets violent, my parents know that he could possibly kill them, and back off.

I'm willing to bet the folks working on the psych unit know how to handle someone who is out of control, no matter how big.

 

[zeriddle]

The problem is getting him there though. My parents are too afraid. Whether it be the case where they get hurt-or they fight back and then he brings the cops on them.

 

[TheGeekess]

The problem is getting him there though. My parents are too afraid. Whether it be the case where they get hurt-or they fight back and then he brings the cops on them.

Involuntary Commitment

If someone else has decided that you need to be in the hospital, these are the steps that must be followed:

An affidavit must be filed with the Clerk of Superior Court or Magistrate of District Court. The Clerk or Magistrate may issue an order to a law enforcement officer to take you into custody for examination by a qualified professional.

If the qualified professional finds that you are mentally ill and dangerous to yourself or others, you will be taken to a hospital.

Shortly after arrival at the hospital, you will be examined by a hospital physician. If the hospital physician agrees with the first examiner that hospitalization is necessary, you will be admitted for observation and treatment. If the physician does not believe you should be in the hospital, you will be released.

A court hearing must be held no later than 10 days after you are taken into custody. The hearing can be held either in the county where the commitment was started or at the hospital. Within a few days after you are admitted, a lawyer from the Office of Special Counsel will contact you. He or she will be your lawyer at the initial hearing. You may also hire a lawyer at your own expense. At the hearing, the judge will decide whether you should be treated in the hospital or in the community and discharged. The judge also will decide how many days you may be kept in the hospital before another hearing must be held.

If you wish, you may retain your own lawyer at your expense. At the hearing, you may exercise the following rights.

The right to an attorney. You may have your own, or an attorney can be provided for you. You can reach an attorney by calling 733-5544.
The right to be present at the hearing.
The right to speak for yourself.
The right to challenge what is said about you.

If you leave the hospital without authorization, your physician may notify law enforcement agencies and request that you be returned.

http://www.ncdhhs.gov/dsohf/services/commitment.htm

http://www.ncdhhs.gov/mhddsas/services/IVC/index.htm

When a person's illness makes it difficult for him to recognize the need for the structure, safety, and treatment that a hospital can provide, it is up to someone else who cares about the person to seek help and petition for issuance of a court order to have him taken into custody for examination by a qualified physician or eligible psychologist hospitalized in a process called "involuntary commitment".

A magistrate is authorized to issue custody orders for involuntary commitment for a respondent (the person being involuntarily committed) who resides in the magistrate's county or who may be found in that county. Once the petition is approved, it is considered to be a warrant that authorizes a law enforcement officer to take the respondent into custody and transport him to a locally designated facility for evaluation.

Legal Requirements for Involuntary Commitment

Chapter 122C of the North Carolina General Statutes requires that the respondent be mentally ill and a danger to himself or others or in need of treatment in order to prevent further disability or deterioration that would predictably result in dangerousness.

Definitions
"Dangerous to himself" means that within the relevant past the respondent has acted in such a way as to show that he would be unable, without care, supervision, and the continued assistance of others not otherwise available, to exercise self-control, judgment, and discretion in the conduct of his daily responsibilities and social relations, or to satisfy his need for nourishment, personal or medical care, shelter, or self-protection and safety; and that there is a reasonable probability of his suffering serious physical debilitation within the near future unless adequate treatment is given. (A showing of behavior that is grossly irrational, of actions that the individual is unable to control, of behavior that is grossly inappropriate to the situation, or of other evidence of severely impaired insight and judgment creates a prima facie inference that the individual is unable to care for himself) or
The individual has attempted suicide or threatened suicide and that there is a reasonable probability of suicide unless adequate treatment is given or
The individual has mutilated himself or attempted to mutilate himself and that there is a reasonable probability of serious self-mutilation unless adequate treatment is given.
"Dangerous to others" means that within the relevant past, the individual has inflicted or attempted to inflict or threatened to inflict serious bodily harm on another, or has acted in such a way as to create a substantial risk of serious bodily harm to another, or has engaged in extreme destruction of property; and that there is a reasonable probability that this conduct will be repeated. NCGS 122C-3(11)(B)

http://www.aoc.state.nc.us/magistrate/involuntarycommitments/index.htm

 

[OHRoadwarrior]

They should call the police to help commit him. They can invite the police to bring in a drug dog.

 

[TheGeekess]

They should call the police to help commit him. They can invite the police to bring in a drug dog.

I've given the PROPER steps above. This... yeah.

 

[commentator]

All I hear are a lot of complaints and a lot of excuses for why your parents continue to tolerate the behavior. Biggest one being "He'll call the police on us." Read all the stuff about involuntary commitment that has been provided. Provide the information to your parents. Then you need to remove yourself from the situation. Right away. Take your car, if it's really yours. Move into an apartment. move into a dorm. Don't garbage around about how "you just can't afford it." If your home situation is as bad as you tell it, then the very best thing you can do is extract yourself. Then he won't have your car to steal. You won't end up attacked. You won't end up accused of abusing HIM. You won't need so many anti depressants. Don't labor under the delusion you are helping keep your clueless parents safe from harm or something.

Your parents are going to have to deal with this like adults. If they send him to military school,( which is a very amusing idea, does your mother think that even though she can't get him to go to rehab, she can't get him to go to counseling, she could force him to go to a military school where he'll be disciplined?) so much the better for them. The military school could and would kick him out as soon as he acted up severely, you know. All that money wasted. It would be better spent on other kinds of treatment for your brother's out of control behavior disorders. Unlike your parents you do not have the power to control what money or perks are given to him. He can't steal your car or clothes or money or electronics if you're not around and they're not available.

People who start off like your brother may not experience it at home, but eventually they run up against someone, some force that they can't scare or bully, don't believe they're smarter than. If their family of origin can't provide such a situation, then society will eventually take them in hand. Your parents should be doing this now while he's a minor, not worrying about them getting in trouble if they call the authorities and he accuses them of abuse. The sooner people like this hit that wall, the easier it is to curtail their behavior and get their attention. Juvenile records do not affect the rest of the person's life quite like adult criminal records. But it is NOT your job in any way. You are, as they tell non-related individuals in custody battles, a legal stranger to this person, without any power over him. You need to relocate and let your parents deal with this or not, as they decide to do.

 

[stealth2]

Your parents both need to grow a pair and start acting like... parents. They should have done so when he first started acting up, but they apparently didn't. Would have been easier then. I agree that you should show them the links provided, and then remove yourself from the situation. Time for ALL of you to stop the excuses and do what needs doing.

 

[mmmagique]

They should call the police to help commit him. They can invite the police to bring in a drug dog.

The parents aren't going to call the police or anyone else. They already had son #1 do his schoolwork for him to keep him from the consequences he should have faced.

OP, I suggest you move out and move on. Until mom and dad realize that sheltering your brother is doing more harm than good, he will continue on as he is.

 

[anearthw]

You are 19 years old.

You have the option of reporting his assault against you to the police, and then move out.

If your parents will not protect you, then your option is to protect yourself as an adult. Part of being an adult is having to make the decision to currently forgo your education/current living arrangements in order to protect your physical safety.

At 19 years old, you are a volunteer if you refuse to leave such a volatile situation. You cannot force your parents to do anything. You can show them those links if you want but let's be realistic - you need to just leave.

 

[MichaCA]

I say time to grow up. Sorry. Not like this is your fault. But bottom line...as your struggling with now...your parents are NOT the grown ups in the house. You need to start taking care of yourself. That includes NOT staying in a home where there is risk of being harmed/killed, or witnessing that abuse going on with your parents.

College is important, but your safety is more important (if you can't figure out a way to do it all this semester). Get out...stay with a friend while your looking. See your parents outside the home.

On the 22nd, when brother assaulted you and left you bleeding...did you call the cops? If not...why the heck not??? Are you still bruised? If you are, get yourself to a doctor today and get by the police and make a report. Stop protecting everyone (in the wrong way). Its a horrible thing to think you need to help your parents cover themselves up. That is wrong to you. I'm sure they love you but they are acting very wrong - YOU file the police report...and get out of the house...live on your own. (and leave that information for your parents before you go). You can also call Child Protection Services and report the abuse. But don't expect anyone in this family to protect you, that is up to you.

 

[Antigone*]

The truth of the matter is that if the OP is unhappy about how is parents discipline their child, he is free to find alternative living arrangements.