not 2 sided

[sandysue]

What is the name of your state? CA

how is it that courts tend to look at domestic violence as 'conflict'? And what can one do to help the court see it in its propert perspective? I understand that 2 adults yelling, arguing about money, etc is conflict. however, one person harrassing and being abusive or controlling is not a conflict. For years i have only tried to limit my ex in his post domestic violence behavior (no longer physical, but still the behavior is very much part of that). The judge often refers to it as 'conflict' adn telling us we have to 'get along'. I am not NOT getting along with anyone...i'm trying to live peacefully, and then from time to time my ex will begin harrassing us, making demands and getting abusive verbally, calling and screaming repeatedly etc. I dont know how else to present it other than what I have,..but it concerns me that we are seen as 'in conflict'. Any experience with tthat, in how to 'get it across' to teh court? It seems like often times I am lumped in unfairly with my ex, for somethign he did. For example at one point he was hanging out in front of his school, and would get verbally abusive. The court stated 'neither party shall loiter in front of school' !! Very frustrating. I am a quiet person, our child has only alwasy lived with me, so of course I drive and pick up from school. I have never 'loitered' or caused any problems, in fact I have lent alot of support to the school in teh past volunteering, etc. Is there some 'trick' to not being lumped in with what your ex does?

 

[wyvern06]

Be cool, respectful, pragmatic, factual...

I couldn't really tell from your description of the situation whether you were describing court's response from an actual encounter in the courtroom or from other correspondence, but--

Assuming you are referring to a court situation, you should be well-prepared mentally and emotionally before you go in. Know the letter of the law yourself. List all the instances of threats and harassments along with dates and times. (You should keep a running diaryof every event.) Do not engage in any angry or threatening words or behaviors yourself. When called to testify, state the events factually, minimize your emotional response, CERTAINLY do not get angry or upset, and be polite and respectful of all members of the court. This should at least help you to avoid being seen by the court as a willing participant in a conflict.

 

[sandysue]

thanks for your reply....as far as in court, I am a really quiet person, most people would say can be too quiet, part of my issue has been learning to be more assertive, and i still am not where i need to be. So in court i have not ever argued or yelled, etc. The judge labels it 'conflict' bc of the numer of times i've come to get restraining orders, (sorry Judge but domestic violence doesnt just go away and tends to be ongoing...) and my ex does not agree to those orders and judge said 'this is alot of conflict'. I have learned mroe over the years that tehway the courts are set up there are some inherent flaws, hard to get around, it's the way it is very bureacratic, one size fits all, all couples coming to court is bc of 'conflict'. He is a nice enough man, the judge but it's concerning to me that he lumps in dv with general conflict, and not sure if there is some way of talking that i could help make the point it's not really about conflict.

 

[Ohiogal]

What exactly is your ex doing?Screaming is NOT DV. Neither is saying mean things or calling names.