NOT DV but clumsiness -- seriously!

[davew128]

Years ago I was being admitted to a hospital in Boston for a surgical procedure. Nurse asked me if I was I felt in danger or in fear at home. I asked her if it looked like I would ever fear anyone. Her response was that it was a now a law that they had to ask. I replied, I didn't vote for any of the idiots who passed the law so I'm disregarding it.

Point being, where are we as a society when we are practically interrogating anyone seeking medical help for any reason trying to ferret out domestic violence?

 

[Just Blue]

Years ago I was being admitted to a hospital in Boston for a surgical procedure. Nurse asked me if I was I felt in danger or in fear at home. I asked her if it looked like I would ever fear anyone. Her response was that it was a now a law that they had to ask. I replied, I didn't vote for any of the idiots who passed the law so I'm disregarding it.

Point being, where are we as a society when we are practically interrogating anyone seeking medical help for any reason trying to ferret out domestic violence?

The pundulum has swong from the centurys old "boy club" to the current laws.
Hopefully there will be a middle place in the near future.

 

[henbob6]

The pendulum has swong from the centurys old "boy club" to the current laws.
Hopefully there will be a middle place in the near future.

Reaching a middle ground is tough. An nurse's open-ended question to me at ages 17-23 would have immeasurably changed my life. I was scared, in denial, and in love. At that, I am horrified to think what could have happened to OG's husband had she needed medical help.

 

[Ladyback1]

Years ago I was being admitted to a hospital in Boston for a surgical procedure. Nurse asked me if I was I felt in danger or in fear at home. I asked her if it looked like I would ever fear anyone. Her response was that it was a now a law that they had to ask. I replied, I didn't vote for any of the idiots who passed the law so I'm disregarding it.

Point being, where are we as a society when we are practically interrogating anyone seeking medical help for any reason trying to ferret out domestic violence?

The thing is, that the people who are required to ask these questions, each has their own "idea" what constitutes fear, what constitutes domestic violence, etc. And, some people don't feel as if they can say "yes, I'm afraid of my significant other..." There is still a stigma associated with being a victim of domestic violence.

I wish I had the right answer to find the "middle ground".

 

[davew128]

Reaching a middle ground is tough. An nurse's open-ended question to me at ages 17-23 would have immeasurably changed my life. I was scared, in denial, and in love. At that, I am horrified to think what could have happened to OG's husband had she needed medical help.

That's all well and fine. But to ask someone who could pass as a middle linebacker for the Patriots in the hospital for a scheduled kidney procedure if he's afraid at home because the law says I have to be asked? Seriously? The patent absurdity of it aside, what POSSIBLE reason is there to ask every single person in a hospital these questions other than to personally offend them?

 

[CdwJava]

That's all well and fine. But to ask someone who could pass as a middle linebacker for the Patriots in the hospital for a scheduled kidney procedure if he's afraid at home because the law says I have to be asked? Seriously? The patent absurdity of it aside, what POSSIBLE reason is there to ask every single person in a hospital these questions other than to personally offend them?

I suspect that someone in your state's legislature believed that a particular headline case could have been prevented had medical personnel screened a potential victim. Laws like this come about as a result of headlines and political pressure.

 

[commentator]

Yes, and in my state a 98 year old man has to show ID before purchasing alcohol!

Back in my martial arts days, I was there at the gym when my friend hit herself between the eyes with a stick. Yeah, a stick!(bo) Both eyes black. She went in for her routine physical a few days later, and the doctor asked her all those questions notating that she was sporting a nice mouse of blue beneath both eyes. He said it was something they were "now required to note in someone's medical records." He cited the O.J. Simpson situation. This was a long time ago, okay? But I have also seen a heck of a lot of women who "fell down the stairs" or "ran into the door" when they had fistprints on them. It's a thin line.

I'd rather they asked and received a negative answer, rather they asked and scared the Christmas out of the abuser than that they accepted the phony story too readily. Every few times, that story may be genuine, or not, but even so, it's nice to know that somebody would listen, somebody does make notes, somebody cares. And you can bet that if my friend or I had ever been sincerely beaten up by somebody, we'd have come out telling everybody, partly because of the way they reacted when we showed up with bruises. I think it's a good thing that they ask.

 

[AnotherTenant]

Here's the thing, though

Many years ago, I was subjected to ongoing domestic violence. People asked all the time: who hit you, are you safe, etc, etc . . .

My standard response was something along the lines of "I walked into a door" or "I fell down the stairs". I think most of them didn't believe me, but they accepted my reply.

All of them except for one. He knew I was lying. Somehow, he knew the truth. (In all honesty, it was probably pretty obvious.) He pushed me. He made me defend my lies. And when I couldn't defend them, I finally admitted what he knew all along.

He told me how I could get help. He wrote out for me exactly what he wanted me to say to the police and the DA. It was another week or so before I got the courage to actually do it, but I finally left. Had it not been for one virtual stranger refusing to buy my smiling "everything's all right" line of BS, I would likely be dead today. (I'm not exaggerating here: I was beaten with a hammer, for God's sake.)

So, while I get that it can be annoying to be repeatedly asked the same questions, please keep in mind that the people who are doing the asking never know if this ask is the one that's going to make the difference.

I barely knew that guy and never saw him again, so I never had an opportunity to thank him. I've never forgotten his name, though, and I'm going to go look him up right now. Better late than never, huh? Thanks to you all for this thread and reminding me of my outstanding debt.

 

[davew128]

I think it's a good thing that they ask.

We'll agree to disagree. I don't need a nanny state. In the event someone physically attacks me, I'll call the police whether or not I can defend myself.

In the event I'm having a kidney stone blasted I REALLY don't need to be personally offended because some idiot thinks its a good idea to question my domestic life in the event the kidney stone in question is there because of domestic abuse. Yes its true, someone at home shoved a rock down my throat, made me swallow it and it somehow dissolved in my intestines and magically reconstituted inside my kidney. *sarcasm*

At what point does COMMON SENSE KICK IN?

 

[stealth2]

When my Mom accidentally dialed 911, the cops were there in a flash and insisted on coming into the house to make sure both she and my Dad were okay, and it was clear from what Mom recounted that they were checking for DV. Same when Dad fell last summer - luckily the neighbor saw what happened and could attest that Dad really did fall (outside) and that my daughter was in the house at the time.

Sadly, it's a better safe than sorry situation.

 

[CdwJava]

We'll agree to disagree. I don't need a nanny state. In the event someone physically attacks me, I'll call the police whether or not I can defend myself.

In the event I'm having a kidney stone blasted I REALLY don't need to be personally offended because some idiot thinks its a good idea to question my domestic life in the event the kidney stone in question is there because of domestic abuse. Yes its true, someone at home shoved a rock down my throat, made me swallow it and it somehow dissolved in my intestines and magically reconstituted inside my kidney. *sarcasm*

At what point does COMMON SENSE KICK IN?

Good for you ... but, many people are not as self confident and capable of kicking ass like you are. The nature of DV is often such that the victim cannot and will not speak up about abuse - men, especially! Sometimes that random question is enough to start the ball rolling. And, since it doesn't take any time and doesn't REALLY bother anyone, why not do it?

So, be a man and suck it up.

 

[RRevak]

I also lived with DV and was one of those who lied to family, friends, and eventually ER staff. I knew my family was aware of my situation but none of them ever stepped up to do something about it. Neither did my friends. It took me lying to one attending in particular for something to eventually be done. I had come in with a severe facial laceration that needed work and many many stitches after yet another altercation with the ex. I was shaking and obviously not in a good frame of mind (not to mention that it was around 1 am) so when the attending asked me what happened, and I told the "I fell down and hit my head on the side of the tub" story, he got very quiet and told me point blank that he was going to accept that but should I change my mind, he wanted to take a few pictures (with my permission) and that there was an officer in the waiting area that would be happy to come in and speak with me privately. He was very gentle but firm. Of course I said no thank you and that I was just fine but his words really hit me. It took a while but eventually I gained enough courage to walk away for good. It took me lying to him, and him seeing right though it, for me to really see my situation for what it was.

My point it: Had the attending not asked, and not pushed, who knows how things would have ended up. While I understand that some people feel its ridiculous or invasive, to some who really are living with DV it can mean the difference between a continuance of abuse or an end.

 

[I'mTheFather]

Advice to OG:

Install hand rails on your stairways, and use them!

 

[RRevak]

And on another note: I do crossfit 4 to 5 days a week. The workouts are intense and involve a lot of strength training and insanity (or so says my hubs ). We have a wall made of wood and the idea is to run, jump to the top, pull ourselves up into a couple push-ups, then roll to the other side. My first time was, well, less than stellar and my arms looked like I had been crushed beneath a steam roller. I can't tell you how many looks I got in public, esp when I was with my husband, because the majority of the bruising really looked like hand prints and they were all in areas that are prime arm grabbing locations. My family knows my husband doesn't beat me but the general public did not. Not a single person ever asked about them. Not one. Far too often these days friends and family along with the public in general are reluctant to get involved. Why I don't know. Even when I WAS being abused not a single person ever tried to help. We've become a society of too many "not my problems", "its not my business" or "I might be wrong so I won't say anything" people so quite frankly if hospital staff don't try then many times nobody else will.

 

[You Are Guilty]

As a mandated e-reporter for stair-related accidents, please be advised that I have filed a report with your local authorities (I assume from your name that you live in Tempe, Arizona). Someone from the Department of Gravity will be by shortly and remove you to an (actually) safe house.


PS: Given that my wife is quite possibly the biggest klutz on the planet, this type of story scares the crap out of me. (The laws of physics just do not apply to her. Last week, she cut herself with a spoon).