Order of Protection Question and Child Visitation

[farmgirl931]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? TN
I have no idea how Order of Protections work. My ex kinda went crazy stalking me earlier this week so I got an order of protection for me and my daughter. Right now our divorce paperwork has him seeing our daughter saturday and sunday a couple hours in my home. Well since the order he can't have contact with neither of us. We go back to court august 4th. What happends at the next court date? Can an order of protection allow him to be at my home for his visitation if I allow it? Or is this all or nothing situation? If I allow the order of protection to be dropped will this mean I'll never get help again? My concern is for my daughter and her love for her father. He claims he's getting help. This of course still remains to be seen. he has never laid a hand on me, but he is obsessed with me. I need him to accept it's over and move on. He becomes extreamly enraged if he things I talk to anyone he does not approve of. I just have no idea what to do. I can't get a hold of my lawyer to ask questions, and he's not been much help. Also because my daughter has always said good night to her dad via phone, and I have allowed her to call him before bed will I get in trouble? She is 2, and she just doesn't understand what is going on and why she can't see her dad or talk to him.

 

[LdiJ]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? TN
I have no idea how Order of Protections work. My ex kinda went crazy stalking me earlier this week so I got an order of protection for me and my daughter. Right now our divorce paperwork has him seeing our daughter saturday and sunday a couple hours in my home. Well since the order he can't have contact with neither of us. We go back to court august 4th. What happends at the next court date? Can an order of protection allow him to be at my home for his visitation if I allow it? Or is this all or nothing situation? If I allow the order of protection to be dropped will this mean I'll never get help again? My concern is for my daughter and her love for her father. He claims he's getting help. This of course still remains to be seen. he has never laid a hand on me, but he is obsessed with me. I need him to accept it's over and move on. He becomes extreamly enraged if he things I talk to anyone he does not approve of. I just have no idea what to do. I can't get a hold of my lawyer to ask questions, and he's not been much help. Also because my daughter has always said good night to her dad via phone, and I have allowed her to call him before bed will I get in trouble? She is 2, and she just doesn't understand what is going on and why she can't see her dad or talk to him.

You should NOT be calling him. There is a restraining order. If you want to be taken seriously then you need to take the restraining order seriously.

At the hearing dad is going to argue that there doesn't need to be a restraining order because obviously you are not scared of him since you have been calling him. Then, if the dangerous behavior continues, you won't get any help.

Visitation can be arranged so that someone else is supervising, but that will need to go through court...separate from the restraining order.

 

[farmgirl931]

So basically it's either no restraining order and allow him to harrass me and follow me and drive past my house checking on me. And keep my daughter happy speaking to her dad, or tell my daughter she can never speak to her dad again and keep the restraining order?

 

[farmgirl931]

So if I drop my restraining order then I will never be taken seriously again?

 

[Antigone*]

So if I drop my restraining order then I will never be taken seriously again?

I wouldn't say never, but you run the risk of looking like the boy who cried wolf.

 

[LdiJ]

So basically it's either no restraining order and allow him to harrass me and follow me and drive past my house checking on me. And keep my daughter happy speaking to her dad, or tell my daughter she can never speak to her dad again and keep the restraining order?

I think the other answer was very apt, but I will add something else.

Visitation can be arranged that does not include you or dad coming anywhere near you. Your daughter simply cannot speak to dad until that is arranged, legally.

 

[Proserpina]

So basically it's either no restraining order and allow him to harrass me and follow me and drive past my house checking on me. And keep my daughter happy speaking to her dad, or tell my daughter she can never speak to her dad again and keep the restraining order?

What makes you think there will be a permanent restraining order issued?

They are not commonly ordered at all and usually require a documented pattern of domestic violence; not one single incidence of alleged stalking.

And remember - this child is 2.

How often and for how long was she talking to Dad anyway?

 

[farmgirl931]

So when we go to court can I drop my daughter so she can have contact with her dad and keep it so he can't stalk me? Yes she is 2 fixin to be 3 but she is very routine oriented. When you mess up her routine it messes her up. Her dad insits he's getting help. If he is great then I'm willing to allow visitation again, supervised of course until I'm comfortable with him having her on his own. But I never ever want to deal with this stalking crap. I'm so mad at my lawyer who told me to do this and now I can't even get a hold of his secretary to ask questions. I begged for options on what to do to deal with this situation and Order of Prioecton is what he told me to do.

 

[farmgirl931]

Let me ask this....

If they grant me my restraining order can it be modified to allow phone calls? Can the Order then be modified later to allow him visitation. My goal here is to get my ex to get help. he does not listen to me but will listen to courts. he needs to get his obsessive and anger issues worked through which take time. I'm not trying to be the evil woman to ex him out of his daughter life although many feel I should. I feel he has a good heart, but is very immature and careless, but when enraged he is unpredictable. I'm not as worried about being killed as I am about being harrassed excessivly. I feel he would do more damage to items than he would myself or my daughter. What are my options?

 

[Mr.X]

Yes, now that you have filed a restraining order, you are in a "all or nothing" situation. It is either you allow him to be a part of her life or you stop him almost totally. You can have no contact with him, doing so will mean that you are breaking the law.

 

[neopandora]

It sounds (from when your Court date is) that you have an ex parte order of protection. That means you filled it out and the Judge signed it without hearing his side. A hearing has to be held in 15 days. It would seem that's what your August 4th date is. If at the hearing the Judge grants the order of protection, he will make provisions for supervised visitation, exchange of your child, etc.

Do not contact him and report if he contacts you. If you drop the order of protection, it will hurt your credibility. If he is a threat to you and/or your daughter, you need to leave it in place.

 

[farmgirl931]

He has never threatend me specfic. What he has done is threaten to kill himself in my home so that I will find him. This stems from him having to move out last weekend, which was agreed on by him 3 weeks ago. I allowed him to stay til my daughter and I got back from visiting family, but he had to be out by that sunday we returned so our daughter could get adusted eaiser. Well couple days before we returned he pulled the he has no where to go yadda yadda how can I throwin him on the streets yadda yadda. We had been over all this before I even left. His boss will let him stay with him, but the living arrangment with me did not work and was not good or our daughter. So anyway I called the police to check on him due to being out of town, and he just kept on rest of my trip. Then ageed to leave then changed his mind again. He wanted to know when I was getting in that monday and I would not tell him due to all the wacko kiling himself so I find him statements. I decided to just stay at my moms when I got in until I cold check the house out. Well we got in at 4:30 am and he was driving by my mom's at 5:00 am calling, texting, revving his engine going back and forth a milion times. I explained our daughter was sleeping and there was no way I was waking her up to see him at that hour. He wouldn't quit. So I turned my phone on silent. I then went to see my lawyer that morning and he said to try restraining order, so i did that. Judge was not in til wednesday and I would have to go back to get it signed. Well meanwhile he was houding and hounding about seeing his daughter so I finally gave in and told him he COULD not come to the house that I would meet him at the park. I allowed them to play then when time to leave he insisted he needed to come to the house to get a shower, and I said NO, he got mad. Then told me he wanted money for food and gas and I again told him no. I went to go to the store to get milk for our daughter and he followed. I told him I would call the police if he would not stop. He kept on pressuring me to allow him to come to my house. I said no. he conituned to follow me all over town til I finally pulled into the police station. He challenged me to call the cops of which he did not think I would do, but I did. They told him he couldn't follow me anymore. Once he calmed down he appoligized but I can't allow him to completely control my life any longer. I'm not trying to take our daughter away, right now our divorce reads visitation will only be on saturday and sunday couple hours in my home. He is not allowed to take my child. They guy has a good heat but just lacks common sence sometimes and sometime he act so incredably irrational which is my concern. I want him to get help. I think this is forcing him to do so. He is super dependent on me which is why he won't let me go. Even when he has visitation he seems more worried about what I'm doing. I know he loves his daughter, but he needs to learn to deal with us not being together. it's been over a long time. Once he accepts it I am hoping he will calm down. He just won't back off me. He constantly wants to know exactally what I'm doing, where I'm going, who i'll see. If I don't tell him well even if I do he still harasses me. I just can't do it no more. We have not been together for a long time romantically, he needs to let go. The only people he will listen to is the law at this point. I just don't know how this all works. i have never ever had this problem before.

 

[st-kitts]

I suggest you contact the national domestic violence hotline 800-799-7233 and look for your local domestic violence outreach center to speak with an advocate in your community. Google aardvarc as well. that website was started by a department of justice grant and has lists of resources for domestic violence victims by county and state.

Even if your ex hasn't been physically violent, his threats of suicide and obsession with you are significant indicators that he may escalate to violence. A significant number of abusive partners that actually commit suicide also commit homicide prior to that act. That sounds scary, but you should take your situation seriously.

Domestic violence advocates are free, and they can help you through the court system.

Good luck.