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GOODYMAN

Junior Member
Indiana...

I'll be concise if I can..

Girlfriend and I on the rocks and near the end of relationship. Decided to do a "time out"..

At home Saturday night, had a friend over (female).

Girlfriend drops over unannounced and uninvited. Community is gated but gate was apparently open.

She had been outside my window looking in and saw other woman there.

I go outside to see what was up and of course she was upset, verbally abusive...pushing me...understandable.

Said, "if she's JUST a friend, then I wanna meet her". Sure, why not, I'm a good guy, have nothing to hide.

I bring her in...she proceeds to verbally assault and insults my friend, racial epithets, the whole thing.

I asked my friend to leave, that this is a bad scene and I need to straighten things out with the girlfriend.

As soon as guest leaves - she punches me in the face.

I walk with her outside to have her move her car, trying to console her..she continues pushing, hitting me.

We go to her car and I begged her to park and sit and talk, tried to console her, and she hauls off hits me in the face, and in the flash, I slapped her open handed in the face and she fell to the ground.

I get her up, sit her on the stoop, then the cops come. My friend (guest) and my neighbor called 911.

They take a statement...she said "he hit me, I think he hit me".

They asked again, do you want to press charges...she's like "no, I just want to leave..."

She tried to leave and they ordered her to stop and turn her car off. After her pleading to the lady cop, they let her go and advised me to go back inside.

An hour later, her friend calls me, "you NEVER hit a female, no matter WHAT she does...we're calling the cops".

So from HER house they call the cops, again.

I called her friend back, trying to explain, and an officer answers the phone asking me did I flee the scene and I was like, "no I'm in my living room".

He told me that an officer would be by to see me. No one ever came.

I later spoke with the officer who went to her home and he said that they didn't send anyone back because they had already been there, taking statements and since she changed her story, they were just gonna turn it over to the detectives.

What I've learned now is this...

A neighbor videotaped the whole thing...her hitting me and me hitting her.
She's filed a Protective Order against me.

Don't know how the ex even got a hold of this footage (Detective, maybe), but why haven't I been contacted by anyone in Law Enforcement. I still haven't officially been served, (it shows online "Defendant hasn't been served yet")..very confused.

Questions:

  1. If they have tape of me hitting her, then why haven't I been arrested and charged?
  2. Since she showed up at MY place and assaulted ME first, does that weigh into anything?
  3. Can I also file my OWN order against her?


Any thoughts...?What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)?
 


Antigone*

Senior Member
Indiana...

I'll be concise if I can..

Girlfriend and I on the rocks and near the end of relationship. Decided to do a "time out"..

At home Saturday night, had a friend over (female).

Girlfriend drops over unannounced and uninvited. Community is gated but gate was apparently open.

She had been outside my window looking in and saw other woman there.

I go outside to see what was up and of course she was upset, verbally abusive...pushing me...understandable.

Said, "if she's JUST a friend, then I wanna meet her". Sure, why not, I'm a good guy, have nothing to hide.

I bring her in...she proceeds to verbally assault and insults my friend, racial epithets, the whole thing.

I asked my friend to leave, that this is a bad scene and I need to straighten things out with the girlfriend.

As soon as guest leaves - she punches me in the face.

I walk with her outside to have her move her car, trying to console her..she continues pushing, hitting me.

We go to her car and I begged her to park and sit and talk, tried to console her, and she hauls off hits me in the face, and in the flash, I slapped her open handed in the face and she fell to the ground.

I get her up, sit her on the stoop, then the cops come. My friend (guest) and my neighbor called 911.

They take a statement...she said "he hit me, I think he hit me".

They asked again, do you want to press charges...she's like "no, I just want to leave..."

She tried to leave and they ordered her to stop and turn her car off. After her pleading to the lady cop, they let her go and advised me to go back inside.

An hour later, her friend calls me, "you NEVER hit a female, no matter WHAT she does...we're calling the cops".

So from HER house they call the cops, again.

I called her friend back, trying to explain, and an officer answers the phone asking me did I flee the scene and I was like, "no I'm in my living room".

He told me that an officer would be by to see me. No one ever came.

I later spoke with the officer who went to her home and he said that they didn't send anyone back because they had already been there, taking statements and since she changed her story, they were just gonna turn it over to the detectives.

What I've learned now is this...

A neighbor videotaped the whole thing...her hitting me and me hitting her.
She's filed a Protective Order against me.

Don't know how the ex even got a hold of this footage (Detective, maybe), but why haven't I been contacted by anyone in Law Enforcement. I still haven't officially been served, (it shows online "Defendant hasn't been served yet")..very confused.

Questions:

  1. If they have tape of me hitting her, then why haven't I been arrested and charged?
  2. Since she showed up at MY place and assaulted ME first, does that weigh into anything?
  3. Can I also file my OWN order against her?


Any thoughts...?What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)?
Do yourself a favor stay completely away from this woman. Do not speak to her, don't take her calls, don't answer any texts or emails. If you are asked to speak to the police, make sure you have an attorney present.
 

Zigner

Senior Member, Non-Attorney
Indiana...

I'll be concise if I can..

Girlfriend and I on the rocks and near the end of relationship. Decided to do a "time out"..

At home Saturday night, had a friend over (female).

Girlfriend drops over unannounced and uninvited. Community is gated but gate was apparently open.

She had been outside my window looking in and saw other woman there.

I go outside to see what was up and of course she was upset, verbally abusive...pushing me...understandable.

Said, "if she's JUST a friend, then I wanna meet her". Sure, why not, I'm a good guy, have nothing to hide.

I bring her in...she proceeds to verbally assault and insults my friend, racial epithets, the whole thing.

I asked my friend to leave, that this is a bad scene and I need to straighten things out with the girlfriend.

As soon as guest leaves - she punches me in the face.

I walk with her outside to have her move her car, trying to console her..she continues pushing, hitting me.

We go to her car and I begged her to park and sit and talk, tried to console her, and she hauls off hits me in the face, and in the flash, I slapped her open handed in the face and she fell to the ground.

I get her up, sit her on the stoop, then the cops come. My friend (guest) and my neighbor called 911.

They take a statement...she said "he hit me, I think he hit me".

They asked again, do you want to press charges...she's like "no, I just want to leave..."

She tried to leave and they ordered her to stop and turn her car off. After her pleading to the lady cop, they let her go and advised me to go back inside.

An hour later, her friend calls me, "you NEVER hit a female, no matter WHAT she does...we're calling the cops".

So from HER house they call the cops, again.

I called her friend back, trying to explain, and an officer answers the phone asking me did I flee the scene and I was like, "no I'm in my living room".

He told me that an officer would be by to see me. No one ever came.

I later spoke with the officer who went to her home and he said that they didn't send anyone back because they had already been there, taking statements and since she changed her story, they were just gonna turn it over to the detectives.

What I've learned now is this...

A neighbor videotaped the whole thing...her hitting me and me hitting her.
She's filed a Protective Order against me.

Don't know how the ex even got a hold of this footage (Detective, maybe), but why haven't I been contacted by anyone in Law Enforcement. I still haven't officially been served, (it shows online "Defendant hasn't been served yet")..very confused.

Questions:

  1. If they have tape of me hitting her, then why haven't I been arrested and charged?
  2. Since she showed up at MY place and assaulted ME first, does that weigh into anything?
  3. Can I also file my OWN order against her?


Any thoughts...?What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)?
Yes, I think you need to speak ONLY to an attorney. In this thread, you've admitted to (at least) one crime.
 

GOODYMAN

Junior Member
Lol...

..thanks...

Well just a few minutes ago I had a "consult" with a local defense attorney and he told me to just lay low and not contest ANY orders and don't show up at ANY hearings, because my version (as someone eloquently stated) could be a problem for me.

He also said that me filing my own Order would bite me - and to drop the notion. The less I say - the better.

He said that if a Detective calls me, tell him I've retained counsel.

If no Detective calls in a few weeks, call his paralegal to see if there is a warrant out for my arrest.

If no Detective calls, no warrant is filed and nothing but an protective order is issued, be happy and move on with life.

My stomach is in knots...but I'm going to try to control my mind and just lay low, but man what a cluster.
 

single317dad

Senior Member
He also said that me filing my own Order would bite me - and to drop the notion. The less I say - the better.

He said that if a Detective calls me, tell him I've retained counsel.

If no Detective calls in a few weeks, call his paralegal to see if there is a warrant out for my arrest.

If no Detective calls, no warrant is filed and nothing but an protective order is issued, be happy and move on with life.
I have a few problems with this advice.

First, I wouldn't advise lying, no matter how inconsequential the lie might seem. If someone tries to question you, do not tell them you've retained counsel unless you actually have done so. You can feel free to refuse to speak with them without an attorney present, but don't fabricate anything.

Second, I would not simply ignore a protective order issued against me. That order (if issued) is not in place for your benefit at all. It is a potential time bomb that can go off any time, like when you happen to walk into the same bar she's in, or the same grocery store, or show up at the same party. It's a ticket to jail waiting to happen, and you should contest it properly. Getting your own order in place is not nearly as important as avoiding one against you.

I also have a little advice that I give to every man who finds himself in your predicament. You described the events to us. During those events, you made several critical mistakes. I'm sure you have some understanding what those mistakes were, but let me clarify them a little for you. Letting her in the door was a mistake. Allowing her to stay after she became agitated was a mistake. Failing to call the police IMMEDIATELY AND WITHOUT HESITATION when she struck you was a mistake. And of course striking her back was a mistake (and the law you admitted breaking). But the first mistake you made was continuing to nurse a relationship that was obviously going sour.

These days, we as men can not allow ourselves to be part of heated moments with women. The law is very strict. Ask yourself (don't answer here): have you ever grabbed her wrist for any reason, to stop her from slapping you, stop her from leaving the room? Then you committed battery against her. Has there ever been any pushing, even in self defense? That's battery too. If you had a child together or lived together, it would be domestic battery. Once you're convicted of that, you can never own a gun again, ever. If a child under 16 was within earshot, or if it's the second time? Now it's a felony. This is big time trouble that can possibly stem from very small actions that many people don't realize are taken so seriously. Take them seriously.

I'll probably take a little heat from the board for this comment, and that's OK, I'm willing to bear it. The laws are not written specifically toward "men" or "women", but the presuppositions are clear. Chances are, if you as a man allow yourself to get caught up in an argument with a woman, especially a girlfriend or wife, especially one whom you have a child with, and that argument escalates to physical contact, then you are likely the one who will be arrested, charged, and have a no contact order against you. Women can be and are charged and convicted as well, as the law itself is not gender-biased, but enough arresting officers ARE biased that you will likely take the brunt of the punishment. You'd do well to remember that next time she calls wanting to "talk this out".
 

stealth2

Under the Radar Member
I would also not ignore any hearings that you are aware of. I'd really suggest talking to a different attorney - this one has given you some pretty poor advice.
 

GOODYMAN

Junior Member
I have a few problems with this advice.

First, I wouldn't advise lying, no matter how inconsequential the lie might seem. If someone tries to question you, do not tell them you've retained counsel unless you actually have done so. You can feel free to refuse to speak with them without an attorney present, but don't fabricate anything.

Second, I would not simply ignore a protective order issued against me. That order (if issued) is not in place for your benefit at all. It is a potential time bomb that can go off any time, like when you happen to walk into the same bar she's in, or the same grocery store, or show up at the same party. It's a ticket to jail waiting to happen, and you should contest it properly. Getting your own order in place is not nearly as important as avoiding one against you.

I also have a little advice that I give to every man who finds himself in your predicament. You described the events to us. During those events, you made several critical mistakes. I'm sure you have some understanding what those mistakes were, but let me clarify them a little for you. Letting her in the door was a mistake. Allowing her to stay after she became agitated was a mistake. Failing to call the police IMMEDIATELY AND WITHOUT HESITATION when she struck you was a mistake. And of course striking her back was a mistake (and the law you admitted breaking). But the first mistake you made was continuing to nurse a relationship that was obviously going sour.

These days, we as men can not allow ourselves to be part of heated moments with women. The law is very strict. Ask yourself (don't answer here): have you ever grabbed her wrist for any reason, to stop her from slapping you, stop her from leaving the room? Then you committed battery against her. Has there ever been any pushing, even in self defense? That's battery too. If you had a child together or lived together, it would be domestic battery. Once you're convicted of that, you can never own a gun again, ever. If a child under 16 was within earshot, or if it's the second time? Now it's a felony. This is big time trouble that can possibly stem from very small actions that many people don't realize are taken so seriously. Take them seriously.

I'll probably take a little heat from the board for this comment, and that's OK, I'm willing to bear it. The laws are not written specifically toward "men" or "women", but the presuppositions are clear. Chances are, if you as a man allow yourself to get caught up in an argument with a woman, especially a girlfriend or wife, especially one whom you have a child with, and that argument escalates to physical contact, then you are likely the one who will be arrested, charged, and have a no contact order against you. Women can be and are charged and convicted as well, as the law itself is not gender-biased, but enough arresting officers ARE biased that you will likely take the brunt of the punishment. You'd do well to remember that next time she calls wanting to "talk this out".
Well you are correct....

In all fairness, he did give me the whole laundry list of things I could have done differently and they are not much different from yours.

He didn't say to IGNORE the order, he said that CONTESTING such an order holds no benefit for me, and that all I have to do is FOLLOW IT to the letter and life will be okay. Nothing is to be gained from legally being mutually accessible to one another, and so why would I expose myself in an court just to plead my case in that regard.

The only thing he wanted me to be concerned with is what to do IF charges are filed and IF I'm arrested.

He said that any Detective calling me for any reason is not a good sign and that at that time, retaining counsel would be the route to take.

But in the matter of fighting this order, I need to consider what there is to gain from having to testify, given I'm the big bad guy and she's the frail little woman.

Quite honestly, I'm not interested in engaging with her in ANY context. Whether by law, or of my own choice - simply not interested. I know that there could be some ramifications (in the marketplace, reputation..etc) for this...and having a misdemeanor charge vs. a protective order...I'll take the order.
 

single317dad

Senior Member
Well you are correct....

In all fairness, he did give me the whole laundry list of things I could have done differently and they are not much different from yours.

He didn't say to IGNORE the order, he said that CONTESTING such an order holds no benefit for me, and that all I have to do is FOLLOW IT to the letter and life will be okay. Nothing is to be gained from legally being mutually accessible to one another, and so why would I expose myself in an court just to plead my case in that regard.

The only thing he wanted me to be concerned with is what to do IF charges are filed and IF I'm arrested.

He said that any Detective calling me for any reason is not a good sign and that at that time, retaining counsel would be the route to take.

But in the matter of fighting this order, I need to consider what there is to gain from having to testify, given I'm the big bad guy and she's the frail little woman.

Quite honestly, I'm not interested in engaging with her in ANY context. Whether by law, or of my own choice - simply not interested. I know that there could be some ramifications (in the marketplace, reputation..etc) for this...and having a misdemeanor charge vs. a protective order...I'll take the order.
Overall, that's a good enough way to handle it; just keep in mind that if you make one mistake while the protective order is in place, it could result in a charge of Invasion of Privacy, and the prosecutor would likely reconsider filing the original battery charges. That includes answering a phone call from her, even if she calls from a blocked number. It also includes responding to any message she might try to send you via a mutual friend. Both of those specific circumstances earned me trips to the police station for chats with the prosecutor.
 

Zigner

Senior Member, Non-Attorney
While it's a stretch, depending on her version of events, I can see a false imprisonment situation here too. I'm just saying...
 

single317dad

Senior Member
I would also not ignore any hearings that you are aware of. I'd really suggest talking to a different attorney - this one has given you some pretty poor advice.
I totally forgot to address that part. If there is a protective order issued, it will likely be done ex parte, without OP's knowledge or presence. To show up to that hearing would likely be seen as inflammatory, and would be difficult to achieve anyway. If there is a protective order hearing that OP is invited to, it would be a hearing to contest the order, which would be initiated only by him or his attorney. In that case, it would of course be in his best interest to attend.
 

GOODYMAN

Junior Member
While it's a stretch, depending on her version of events, I can see a false imprisonment situation here too. I'm just saying...
Well IF there is truly a videotape, it shows two people engaging in behaviors they should not have. And she engaged first.

Whatever my response was, it was immediately following her actions toward me, and THAT would be on the tape...not that it matters all that much.
 

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