Protective order. Can I speak to husband in court in front of a judge?

[talking]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? Virginia

My husband is suffering from an undiagnosed mental illness and taking copious amounts of drugs. 4 months ago he put a loaded gun in his mouth and pulled a gun on me. I placed a protective order on him for my safety and have not made contact with him since. He is not getting the support he needs from his family and is slowly deteriorating. He violated the PO once and I reported it because I was scared. We have court coming up in a month. I would like to say a few things to him about his mental health and well being to potentially get him on the right track, because I don't know what else to do. Would this be suitable in front of a judge?

 

[Zigner]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? Virginia

My husband is suffering from an undiagnosed mental illness and taking copious amounts of drugs. 4 months ago he put a loaded gun in his mouth and pulled a gun on me. I placed a protective order on him for my safety and have not made contact with him since. He is not getting the support he needs from his family and is slowly deteriorating. He violated the PO once and I reported it because I was scared. We have court coming up in a month. I would like to say a few things to him about his mental health and well being to potentially get him on the right track, because I don't know what else to do. Would this be suitable in front of a judge?

You should not address him in court without specific instructions and permission to do so from the judge.

 

[talking]

What about...(considering options)

Yes of course.

Also, I don't want to go through with the PO violation. I just wanted him to take it seriously (he is now). I don't want to convict him. I just want to be left alone. Could I appeal to drop the PO violation on the pretense that he seeks help once a week? or something to that degree? (I don't know anything about law)

 

[Proserpina]

Yes of course.

Also, I don't want to go through with the PO violation. I just wanted him to take it seriously (he is now). I don't want to convict him

Protective orders are meant to protect us from harm - they are NOT meant to teach someone a lesson.

I just want to be left alone. Could I appeal to drop the PO violation on the pretense that he seeks help once a week? or something to that degree? (I don't know anything about law)

You can ask. They can refuse. Hopefully, they will refuse - because you're not helping him at all in wanting to make this go away.

 

[talking]

trying to get the right help

Thanks. I'm trying to see if there are alternative things I can do to help him. From your answer, this is not one. And apparently isn't anything in place to help a person like him.

Protective orders are meant to protect us from harm - they are NOT meant to teach someone a lesson.

Absolutely. I don't want to teach him a lesson. I want him to help himself or get help. I don't think asking someone to seek help is "teaching them a lesson".

...because you're not helping him at all in wanting to make this go away.

What I'm interpreting it is .... dropping the PO violation I would not help him. Is that correct? and if I read that right. How so? Could you elaborate?

He tried to make contact with me directly after the incident. I reported it. All contact from him has ceased and it's been 4 months. I wanted to state that to demonstrate that he hasn't made any current efforts.

 

[Silverplum]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? Virginia

My husband is suffering from an undiagnosed mental illness and taking copious amounts of drugs. 4 months ago he put a loaded gun in his mouth and pulled a gun on me. I placed a protective order on him for my safety and have not made contact with him since. He is not getting the support he needs from his family and is slowly deteriorating. He violated the PO once and I reported it because I was scared. We have court coming up in a month. I would like to say a few things to him about his mental health and well being to potentially get him on the right track, because I don't know what else to do. Would this be suitable in front of a judge?

That's not a "diagnosis" you can bring up in court. I don't have further legal info for you, but I know that much.

 

[Proserpina]

Thanks. I'm trying to see if there are alternative things I can do to help him. From your answer, this is not one. And apparently isn't anything in place to help a person like him.


Absolutely. I don't want to teach him a lesson. I want him to help himself or get help. I don't think asking someone to seek help is "teaching them a lesson".

Reporting a violation when your intention is to somehow convince him to get help is not why we have such mechanisms.

What I'm interpreting it is .... dropping the PO violation I would not help him. Is that correct? and if I read that right. How so? Could you elaborate?

Sure. If you were genuinely in harm's way - and that IS why we have protection orders - then you do him no favors by trying to downplay either the events or the consequences themselves. And if you weren't actually in harm's way ... well, these are consequences for your actions.

He tried to make contact with me directly after the incident. I reported it. All contact from him has ceased and it's been 4 months. I wanted to state that to demonstrate that he hasn't made any current efforts.

First you said you were scared - and reporting him is the correct thing to do, obviously. But now you're saying that you don't want the state to actually convict him - you only wanted to be left alone?

Do you not see how those two things are contradictory?

 

[talking]

I didn't report the violation to get him to seek help

Reporting a violation when your intention is to somehow convince him to get help is not why we have such mechanisms.

I didn't report the violation to get him to seek help. I did it for protection and thought (today) maybe I could use it to help him. I don't know what kind of people on this forum do that, but from your response, quite a few.

First you said you were scared - and reporting him is the correct thing to do, obviously. But now you're saying that you don't want the state to actually convict him - you only wanted to be left alone?

I don't see how this is contradictory. The PO was put in place for him to leave me alone. I reported a violation because he wasn't. Now he is. I'm trying to decide if going through with it is good or not for his mental health. I know most people might think I'm dumb for being concerned about him, but he's important to me and though I can't/don't want to be around him, I also want to do the best thing possible for his mental health so he can get better.

 

[talking]

mandatory 3 days in hospital

That's not a "diagnosis" you can bring up in court. I don't have further legal info for you, but I know that much.

When he was arrested, an emergency psych came to evaluate him and required that he do a mandatory 3 days in a hospital, because he was so mentally unstable. Could that information be potentially used in anyway?

 

[Zigner]

If this is a hearing related to his violation, then you are nothing but a witness.

 

[LdiJ]

When he was arrested, an emergency psych came to evaluate him and required that he do a mandatory 3 days in a hospital, because he was so mentally unstable. Could that information be potentially used in anyway?

I can tell from the things that you are saying that you are feeling guilty because he is in trouble. I do not know if family pressure (his family) is causing this or if unresolved feelings regarding him are causing this, but the reality of things is that most abused spouses go back to their abuser at least 7 times before the finally realize that the need to be out permanently, or unless they end up dead.

You probably think, in your subconscious at least, that if he gets help he will become the person that you fell in love with. You need to get into counseling to disabuse yourself of that romantic notion. He will never be the person you married or thought you were marrying. What he may end up being, some day, with a lot of time and effort, is a functioning member of society. He may even be able to have another family someday and be successful at that...but he will never be the man you married or thought you married, ever again.

 

[cyjeff]

By the way, unless he has received help - and a LOT of help - between the issue of the PO and now, it doesn't matter how he "gets it".

He hasn't changed... and the PO is the only thing he seems to understand.

Last point... what in the devil do you think you could say to him in a court of law that you haven't said already? Honestly, are you going to say something completely new and different or the same old thing you have been saying all along that he hasn't heard?

In other words, don't waste your breath. Court is not there so you can lecture your ex on his behavior. Further, until he gets help, it is just seeds cast on concrete anyway.

 

[justalayman]

Where is his lawyer? If he doesn't have one he needs one. His mental capacity can drastically affect how his violation is dealt with (and coukd include mandatory psych treatment) but it usually takes a lawyer to know how to steer his defense through the courts.

 

[stealth2]

What do you think your talking to him in court will accomplish? No - really.

 

[NellieBly]

Since you said he is taking "copious amounts of drugs" I'll tell you the 3 C's of addiction.

You didn't cause it.

You can't control it.

You can't cure it.

Your best bet is to go far, far away from this man.