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Questions about talking about personal experience

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corinne8807

Junior Member
What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? Massachusetts

I was in a domestic violence situation with my ex (with whom I have children) and he recently told me that he "better not catch wind of me talking about what I have been through, ever. If so, there will be legal issues brought against me". I know that there are others out there that have talked about their personal experiences.

My question is this: Can I talk about what I have been through if I do not use his name? I don't want to tell someone what I have been through and have him come back at me with slander or libel charges. We no longer live together and are divorced, but when we were together there were issues including physical, emotional and then when I was pregnant with my second child, a situation where I said no, and he continued to force himself on me. I have never even addressed the sexual issue and have only recently been able to admit to myself that was what happened.

I just want to know if I have the legal right to talk about my personal experience.


Thank you.
 


Mass_Shyster

Senior Member
There are three things you'll need to be aware of:

1) Anyone can sue anyone. This means your ex can sue you, even if you never open your mouth. However, litigation is expensive.

2) Truth is an absolute defense to defamation. Unfortunately, you may be forced to prove the truthfulness of your statements, which may be impossible.

3) The only real winners in a lawsuit are the lawyers.

One other point, if he decides he wants to make your life miserable, he can try to claim that you are unstable because of the wild accusations you are making, and file for custody or child support modifications.
 

corinne8807

Junior Member
The police were called to the house twice, once resulting in a temporary restraining order. I do have documentation of all of this. I also have old emails from him admitting to what he did as far as the physical and emotional goes and him going so far as saying that he needed to check himself in to get help and he knows it was wrong. I also have witness statements from others that heard/saw what he did.

He's concerned about his reputation and people finding out the truth. I have been sure to keep very careful records and save anything that would substantiate the things I went through in the event something like this came up and he said it never happened (he had a history of saying that things never happened, that's why I kept records).

Most of what I went through was in fact brought up in the divorce case, and he was unable to see his children for a short period while the court was sorting through everything.


Thank you for your advice and information.
 

mommyof4

Senior Member
The police were called to the house twice, once resulting in a temporary restraining order. I do have documentation of all of this. I also have old emails from him admitting to what he did as far as the physical and emotional goes and him going so far as saying that he needed to check himself in to get help and he knows it was wrong. I also have witness statements from others that heard/saw what he did.

He's concerned about his reputation and people finding out the truth. I have been sure to keep very careful records and save anything that would substantiate the things I went through in the event something like this came up and he said it never happened (he had a history of saying that things never happened, that's why I kept records).

Most of what I went through was in fact brought up in the divorce case, and he was unable to see his children for a short period while the court was sorting through everything.


Thank you for your advice and information.
You do realize, don't you, that your ex's threats are just another attempt to control and mentally abuse you, right?

I see no need for you to talk to him at all about his threats. If you feel you need to talk about what you have gone through with a good friend, therapist, preist (pastor, rabbi, mullah...whatever applies) or future partner, do so. Nothing good comes from you keeping your thoughts, feelings/emotions to yourself while trying to deal with the fallout from being abused and controlled.
 

quincy

Senior Member
You have the legal right to talk and write about your personal experiences. Your ex-husband also has the legal right to sue you for defamation over what you say or write, should you name him or should he be identifiable to anyone by what you communicate.

A problem you face when writing about personal experiences is that it is often very hard to support these experiences with provable facts. Proving the truth of what is communicated often requires documentation and/or witnesses. While personal experiences and opinions based on these personal experiences can be expressed freely, a person must be extremely careful not to state or imply any false facts. It is easy to stray from the facts of what happened into exaggeration or generalizations. It is difficult to write "pure" opinion.

Basically, all that a defamation action requires is proof that a false and defamatory statement was made about an identified or identifiable person, and this false and defamatory statement led to demonstrable reputational injury. To combat a defamation action, a private individual who is sued must be able to prove that what was said is true, substantially true or was pure and protected opinion (other defenses are available, but would probably not apply for a situation like the one you describe).

Stating that someone is an abuser, for instance, is defamatory "per se" - defamatory in and of itself - without PROOF of the truth of that statement. Reputational injury is presumed with an unsupportable accusation of a criminal act, and damages in a defamation action can be awarded on this presumed injury alone - even when no other reputational injury or economic losses can be shown to have resulted.

In other words, you must walk a VERY fine line when writing about a domestic violence experience. Trying to write about it anonymously is difficult, because when personal experiences are related to others, the facts of the experience can often adequately identify the individuals about whom the experience relates.

Even with police reports and witnesses to help you support your stories of abuse, you open yourself up to a defamation action and, potentially, further abuse. I would be cautious and, to be safe, have what you intend to publish reviewed by an attorney prior to publication. This will not prevent your ex from suing, but it will help you avoid a lawsuit loss.

One final thought: Injuring your ex-husband's reputation, even with truthful statements, can result in a job loss for your ex-husband. If you depend on his income to help support your children, you may find your publication of his abuse affects this source of dollars.
 
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Isis1

Senior Member
OP, i am in so agreement with mommyof4.


your situation is VERY close to mine.

please seek emotional help. please. i sat on my own situation for almost 7 years now.

it's only slander if what you are saying is false. don't let him frieghten you. arm yourself with education. and take a stand. believe me. you ex will hate you for it. nothing makes a bully more angery than someone who stands up to them.

he'll turn into denial. than justification for what he did. but remember, karma will get him for what he did. karma is still working a number on the ex right now. and i, don't even have to help.
 

corinne8807

Junior Member
I also agree this is his attempt to scare me into silence. He was always doing things like that before.

I think what caused him to have this current 'flare up' is that he found out I am now a cast member in V-Day, the global organization to help end violence towards women. I was sought out to be a part in it, without them knowing I had personal experience in domestic violence. My ex started up about me telling people after he found out I was a part of it.

Everything I have to say, I have documented by him, from his email address. He always sent apology emails or hand written letters. Some are replies to my messages detailing what he did and his replies acknowledge his behavior. I saved it in the event he ever came back and said that it never happened and taken the defamation route.

I was never planning on publicly writing or speaking about anything. It had only been to those very close to me, and even then, most don't know the details.

I needed to have my mind put at ease that he wasn't going to be able to continue to cause the turmoil in my life by pursuing a case and if he did that it would be thrown out based on the documentation and signed letters I have from him owning up to it (even though he denied it later).
 

mommyof4

Senior Member
I also agree this is his attempt to scare me into silence. He was always doing things like that before.

I think what caused him to have this current 'flare up' is that he found out I am now a cast member in V-Day, the global organization to help end violence towards women. I was sought out to be a part in it, without them knowing I had personal experience in domestic violence. My ex started up about me telling people after he found out I was a part of it.

Everything I have to say, I have documented by him, from his email address. He always sent apology emails or hand written letters. Some are replies to my messages detailing what he did and his replies acknowledge his behavior. I saved it in the event he ever came back and said that it never happened and taken the defamation route.

I was never planning on publicly writing or speaking about anything. It had only been to those very close to me, and even then, most don't know the details.

I needed to have my mind put at ease that he wasn't going to be able to continue to cause the turmoil in my life by pursuing a case and if he did that it would be thrown out based on the documentation and signed letters I have from him owning up to it (even though he denied it later).
Oh, he can cause turmoil. The trick is to be strong enough to not let him put you back into a place where you live by his dictates and demands. For help with that, I suggest you seek a good therapist.
 

ava42805

Member
OP, "that" is how I became pregnant with my first child. Almost 16 years later, it is still a difficult thought for me. Went on to break my nose, cheat on me for years. All the while, him being the most absolute insecure, jealous, and controlling person I have ever known. I was told that I was crazy for so many years, that I doubted reality and my sanity. As somebody else said, if you haven't (and it sounds like you may have-- being involved in DV organizations and what not) sought therapy, do so.


Do not let him control and manipulate you, any longer. Even if he isn't physically doing that any longer, sounds like psychologically he is attempting to.. and is it possible that he is somewhat succeeding at that? (Old habits do die hard. On BOTH of your parts.) It also took me years to admit this to myself (he was my husband and I didn't think people would believe the rape). Reaching out to help others, not only helps them, but helps you. It doesn't sound like you're not even considering doing or saying anything publically. Sounds like he is more concerned about ANYBODY, such as mutual friends/acquaintances, knowing about this. He's afraid of being embarassed over any of this and frankly, he should be.
 

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