Wife got Arrested first time....Family broken up by the system need help ASAP!

[JohnnyS]

Clackamas County, Oregon.

Ok...So we had a verbal fight, she ended up chasing me around the block, yelling at me the entire way, we got back in our house, and she slapped me, my T-shirt ended up ripped...no big deal I think, in the grand scheme of things..

However...Our front door was still open, and an off duty officer from another county saw the slap....AND our son, who we thought was at a friends house...walked in on it, and also saw it.

I removed her from the house, then removed our son by sending him to the neighbors.
While our son was away, she got arrested for the first time in her life on charges of.....
#1 ASSAULT IV
STATUTE: ORS.163.160-7

BOND: $15000

#2 HARASSMENT
STATUTE: ORS.166.065-4

BOND: $3500

#3 DISORDERLY CONDUCT II
STATUTE: ORS.166.025

BOND: $3500

The DA Says the the "Best" they can do is her plead guilty to assault 4 and get 4 months probation and anger management classes and 4 months no contact...On top of the 30 days we have had so far...
Now is where it gets very complicated...
We both are disabled and depend on each other to balance out our disabilities and raise our son.
we both are now diagnosed with major depression and have been suicidal before because of this...It is very important that this gets resolved MUCH faster than what the DA claims it could be.
Now my neighbor, said something about serving some jail time like 20 or so days and be done with it and come back home where she belongs, I am not sure if that is a viable option, but we want this over quickly.
Um, I am the victim on their records but I am NOT the one pressing charges, they claimed there is nothing I can do (with a snide comment and smirk)
My entire family is going through literal hell because of the system, nothing will be resolved by keeping us from apart, we do not mean any harm to each other, things got out of hand this one time and we just want this hell to end.

I do not have an attorney so far, and her court appointed one seems to be utterly useless, We need help very badly.
We are both also very low income...We just want our family back.

 

[single317dad]

Domestic violence tends to escalate, not subside. The next fight (or one down the road) will be worse. This is why "the system" works as it does; being tougher on these lesser crimes helps to prevent worse things like murder.

Given that, what your wife needs to do is have her attorney negotiate a plea agreement. If it's possible to serve some jail time to reduce or eliminate the probation, then her attorney can get that done. The protective order will probably stay in place; they're there for a reason.

If there is a trial, you, as a victim, will be called on to testify truthfully. If you do not, you can face penalties for that as well, and your children won't have you to care for them either.

You both need to spend more time evaluating how you will care for yourselves and the children in the future, and less time being angry at a system that's designed to prevent people like yourselves from killing each other.

 

[JohnnyS]

um, it was a slap...

The system is majorly overreacting to ...a slap.
Our mental status has been getting MUCH worse not better...However...I have a better plea to try.

less than a month in jail, no contact dropped with the stipulation that she gets into a facility for mental help, while she does that, we can get couples counseling and family counseling and actually make a difference.

My Son and I and her have been negatively affected much MUCH worse because of their "rules"...and all they can say is "get a counselor" I have been there and done that, a counselor does not remove the pain of not having your mother and your wife of over 13 years in your life.

 

[Silverplum]

Clackamas County, Oregon.

Ok...So we had a verbal fight, she ended up chasing me around the block, yelling at me the entire way, we got back in our house, and she slapped me, my T-shirt ended up ripped...no big deal I think, in the grand scheme of things..

However...Our front door was still open, and an off duty officer from another county saw the slap....AND our son, who we thought was at a friends house...walked in on it, and also saw it.

I removed her from the house, then removed our son by sending him to the neighbors.
While our son was away, she got arrested for the first time in her life on charges of.....
#1 ASSAULT IV
STATUTE: ORS.163.160-7

BOND: $15000

#2 HARASSMENT
STATUTE: ORS.166.065-4

BOND: $3500

#3 DISORDERLY CONDUCT II
STATUTE: ORS.166.025

BOND: $3500

The DA Says the the "Best" they can do is her plead guilty to assault 4 and get 4 months probation and anger management classes and 4 months no contact...On top of the 30 days we have had so far...
Now is where it gets very complicated...
We both are disabled and depend on each other to balance out our disabilities and raise our son.
we both are now diagnosed with major depression and have been suicidal before because of this...It is very important that this gets resolved MUCH faster than what the DA claims it could be.
Now my neighbor, said something about serving some jail time like 20 or so days and be done with it and come back home where she belongs, I am not sure if that is a viable option, but we want this over quickly.
Um, I am the victim on their records but I am NOT the one pressing charges, they claimed there is nothing I can do (with a snide comment and smirk)
My entire family is going through literal hell because of the system, nothing will be resolved by keeping us from apart, we do not mean any harm to each other, things got out of hand this one time and we just want this hell to end.

I do not have an attorney so far, and her court appointed one seems to be utterly useless, We need help very badly.
We are both also very low income...We just want our family back.

I'm not sure what you want from this forum.

We can't and won't second-guess what her attorney or the DA said: they're local, licensed attorneys who know the judges and how they tend to rule.

We won't agree with you that you aren't a victim, or that your son is not a victim: you both are victims of domestic violence.

So, what can we do for you?

 

[Silverplum]

um, it was a slap...

The system is majorly overreacting to ...a slap.
Our mental status has been getting MUCH worse not better...However...I have a better plea to try.

less than a month in jail, no contact dropped with the stipulation that she gets into a facility for mental help, while she does that, we can get couples counseling and family counseling and actually make a difference.

My Son and I and her have been negatively affected much MUCH worse because of their "rules"...and all they can say is "get a counselor" I have been there and done that, a counselor does not remove the pain of not having your mother and your wife of over 13 years in your life.

The law exists to protect you. Every situation is supposed to be handled according to the law, not what individuals want. "Your Honor, I don't want to be punished for my crimes because it makes me depressed/bums out my family-victims/is not fun."

 

[Eekamouse]

You aren't going to find a way to get around what the court orders for her. It sounds like you're in a codependent relationship that is volatile. You have a lot of excuses for what happened and are downplaying what happened for all you're worth. Do you not care that your son saw your wife strike you in anger?

 

[JohnnyS]

this all started last month, I filled out my paperwork to be notified of EVERYTHING about this case, I have not had a single phone call, or mail giving me information, When I went in to talk I felt like I was being bullied and laughed at, like they enjoyed watching me plea for something that will work better for our individual situation and bring my family back and actually heal from the damage caused and be better for it.
Honestly, I'm not sure what to expect out of this, but my Son and I are NOT the only victim in this, she may have done the act but she is suffering terribly the punishment she has put on herself has been much harsher than the system could, she has been pulled from jumping the bridge, the very same bridge and spot I was at...only thing that stopped me was my wife and son, right now she doesn't have that. We can't even talk to each other. People think they may understand, but really nobody has any idea just how bad our situation really is without each other.

Could I possibly get an attorney so I could hopefully push what I as the "Victim" want to happen to fully resolve and fix the situation so it doesn't happen again? I know my wife, they do not.



And we may be codependent on each other, but she is not a violent type of person that is why she is taking this so hard, if she was violent, I think in 13 years of being together she would have been in jail a LOT sooner. we argue, yes, but we talk things out...this one instance was a slap...which is why I want her to get mental treatment and we go to couples counseling...and family counseling.

And yes I care, that is why I immediately removed him from the house, right now he is suffering a lot worse by not having his mother in the house. I have personally been there and done that, I know exactly what he is going though.

 

[Proserpina]

this all started last month, I filled out my paperwork to be notified of EVERYTHING about this case, I have not had a single phone call, or mail giving me information, When I went in to talk I felt like I was being bullied and laughed at, like they enjoyed watching me plea for something that will work better for our individual situation and bring my family back and actually heal from the damage caused and be better for it.
Honestly, I'm not sure what to expect out of this, but my Son and I are NOT the only victim in this, she may have done the act but she is suffering terribly the punishment she has put on herself has been much harsher than the system could, she has been pulled from jumping the bridge, the very same bridge and spot I was at...only thing that stopped me was my wife and son, right now she doesn't have that. We can't even talk to each other. People think they may understand, but really nobody has any idea just how bad our situation really is without each other.

Could I possibly get an attorney so I could hopefully push what I as the "Victim" want to happen to fully resolve and fix the situation so it doesn't happen again? I know my wife, they do not.



And we may be codependent on each other, but she is not a violent type of person that is why she is taking this so hard, if she was violent, I think in 13 years of being together she would have been in jail a LOT sooner. we argue, yes, but we talk things out...this one instance was a slap...which is why I want her to get mental treatment and we go to couples counseling...and family counseling.

And yes I care, that is why I immediately removed him from the house, right now he is suffering a lot worse by not having his mother in the house. I have personally been there and done that, I know exactly what he is going though.

Having your own attorney won't help - the case is between the State and your wife, not the State and you or the State vs. Both.

Frankly, if your mental status is unstable your child may need to be placed elsewhere. Having two suicidal parents is not in your child's best interests.

 

[JohnnyS]

That is why I decided against it, what damage would I have done to both my son and wife If I did it? if I did he would grow up no better than myself, I refuse to allow my son to grow up without his parents....his REAL parents...We have our issues but its nothing that can't be fixed at the moment. Yeah, I have major depression, i'm on medication, I also have anxiety/panic attacks but also i'm all the kids got...but at the same time I won't give up on his mother just cause she got into trouble.
in my mind I am looking at the cause of the issue to begin with and need the chance to fix it.

 

[xylene]

When I went in to talk I felt like I was being bullied and laughed at, like they enjoyed watching me plea for something that will work better for our individual situation and bring my family back and actually heal from the damage caused and be better for it.

That sounds paranoid. I'm not saying that people in 'the system' can be unkind or unfeeling, but dial it back a little.

Take a long moment and really hear this bell of mindfullness.
These people don't know you and have a job to do, one that is dictated by law and policy. It is a hard and tiring job, they are not out to get you.

Really consider that what happened was extremely serious.
Arguing in the street threatens public order.
A dispute where the police is called is not a routine part of marriage.


I need you to hear this - and you probably won't because you think this can all go away somehow.
I am not a lawyer and I am not your lawyer - but please consider this:

4 months probation and anger management classes and 4 months no contact may not be a bad deal.

 

[CdwJava]

um, it was a slap...

The system is majorly overreacting to ...a slap.

Which is a crime. Striking another person is a crime. Doing so in front of a child can be an additional crime. Since you were not charged with some form of child endangerment, you might co sider yourself lucky. Though, it is almost a certainty that child services will be notified of what happened. Whether they will take any action or not is something we cannot answer.

The "system" is not OVER reacting to the assault/battery, the "system" is acting as it is intended to for the attack. They do not need you to pursue charges, the state is. And, you mention obtaining an attorney in your first post ... you do not need to. There is no need for YOU to have an attorney unless it is to seek a divorce or some form of legal separation from your spouse.

less than a month in jail, no contact dropped with the stipulation that she gets into a facility for mental help, while she does that, we can get couples counseling and family counseling and actually make a difference.

You can ASK the prosecutor if that might work, but, the prosecutor is under no obligation to heed your request or even to offer any additional deal to your spouse.

My Son and I and her have been negatively affected much MUCH worse because of their "rules"...and all they can say is "get a counselor" I have been there and done that, a counselor does not remove the pain of not having your mother and your wife of over 13 years in your life.

Then maybe you ALL need counseling. Fortunately, it seems that the plea deal includes anger management and counseling, so that can and probably will help.

 

[CdwJava]

this all started last month, I filled out my paperwork to be notified of EVERYTHING about this case, I have not had a single phone call, or mail giving me information, When I went in to talk I felt like I was being bullied and laughed at, like they enjoyed watching me plea for something that will work better for our individual situation and bring my family back and actually heal from the damage caused and be better for it.

The notification likely involves hearings, not each and every individual plea offer on the table or even an inquiry as to what YOU want. In most states it simply means that you are notified of pending court hearings on the matter, not what the prosecutor plans to offer.

Could I possibly get an attorney so I could hopefully push what I as the "Victim" want to happen to fully resolve and fix the situation so it doesn't happen again? I know my wife, they do not.

Any attorney you pay for will have zero say in the matter pending with your spouse. That attorney might be able to relate your feelings to the prosecutor, but, they will not be able to do anything more than you could do for yourself in that matter.

 

[Proserpina]

That is why I decided against it, what damage would I have done to both my son and wife If I did it? if I did he would grow up no better than myself, I refuse to allow my son to grow up without his parents....his REAL parents...We have our issues but its nothing that can't be fixed at the moment. Yeah, I have major depression, i'm on medication, I also have anxiety/panic attacks but also i'm all the kids got...but at the same time I won't give up on his mother just cause she got into trouble.
in my mind I am looking at the cause of the issue to begin with and need the chance to fix it.

Johnny, I know what you're saying. I really do. But you're lucky that CPS haven't come to investigate already and they still might; it doesn't take much for them to start talking about "failure to protect", even if Mom didn't lay a finger on him.

We're trying to help you understand that there may come a point where you no longer have a choice in what happens with your child. It doesn't matter how much you and Mom love each other because honestly the state doesn't care a single hoot about that - what the state is concerned about is your child being exposed to violence in the home.

Please spend some time reading here and elsewhere about how domestic violence is a very real concern, and you will see just how far the state will go to protect your child if they feel that you aren't doing so yourself.

 

[CdwJava]

ok, about how soon could we move out of state? We need to move FAR away from caustic people that caused this entire argument in the first place. or is it even to early to even ask? I have to plan ahead in order to do it. I know while she can't move out of the county and under no contact we can't move, but....She simply isnt safe from other people here, thats what we argued about, but things have changed for us all since last month.

Unless prohibited by conditions of release, probation/parole, or some other court order, she can move any time she wants. Though she will still have to apepar and take care of her criminal charges.

But, it's moot since you cannot legally communicate with her on this topic because you say there is a no contact order, right?

And CPS already came out, talked to me and her...and hassled every single person that might possibly know about our home life...They all said the same thing because we simply dont have anything to hide.

Then, understand, they will be monitoring the issue and if you allow mom back home in violation of a court order, or if the violence continues, they may take action.

That slap was literally the worst thing.

Hopefully she will get the anger management help SHE needs, and hopefully your family will get the counseling they all need as a family.

 

[Zigner]

We both are disabled and depend on each other to balance out our disabilities and raise our son.

I'm curious - how have you managed for the last month?