Son on probation in Mass., found with pot again

[richardf3]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? Massachusetts

We live in NY but my 19yr old son was pulled over in Massachusetts and found with Xanax, alcohol and pot in his car. At that time Mass. was lightening the marijuana laws and he was let off of those charges but convicted on the others.

He was given one year probation and paid a fine. Nine months later we have found a sandwich bag stuffed with pot in his room. I want to tell his probation officer because obviously this kid is not learning his lesson by getting off so easy. However his mother does not want this reported.

What I find ridiculous is that the probation officer tells him a month in advance when he's going to be tested so he's managed to fake his way through to this point.

I know some people would question my desire to turn him in but his mother frequently letting him go with a slap on the wrist isn't working very well. The real question is, would he even get a stiffer penalty for having it while he was already on probabtion.

[Antigone*of*Greece]

Originally Posted by richardf3

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? Massachusetts

We live in NY but my 19yr old son was pulled over in Massachusetts and found with Xanax, alcohol and pot in his car. At that time Mass. was lightening the marijuana laws and he was let off of those charges but convicted on the others.

He was given one year probation and paid a fine. Nine months later we have found a sandwich bag stuffed with pot in his room. I want to tell his probation officer because obviously this kid is not learning his lesson by getting off so easy. However his mother does not want this reported.

What I find ridiculous is that the probation officer tells him a month in advance when he's going to be tested so he's managed to fake his way through to this point.

I know some people would question my desire to turn him in but his mother frequently letting him go with a slap on the wrist isn't working very well. The real question is, would he even get a stiffer penalty for having it while he was already on probabtion.

I'd bring the pot to the probation officer's office and say: "Here, why not call Jimmy in for a little conference and ask him about this." (and toss the pot on his desk).

...then again that is just me

[ProSePA]

If you contact the probation officer and report your son it is possible that he could be found in violation of the terms of his probation. I do not know exactly what the terms of his probation are, but I would imagine that being in possession of an illegal substance is probably against them. If your son is found in violation of his probation he could face much more severe penalties including possible jail time. It is also possible that the state could increase his original offense that he was convicted for (with regards to the xanax and alcohol) since the charge was probably contingent upon successful completion of probation.

So, turning your son in may 'teach him a lesson' that you feel he has not learned, but that lesson will come at a cost to him. He could spend time in jail, have a more severe violation on his criminal background, be on probation longer, and owe more in costs and fines. The criminal background will come into play when he looks for a job, an apartment, school loans, or school itself...and it will be there for the rest of his life, and after he dies. I can easily see this as a very tough choice for a parent, and I am not in any position to tell you what to do. I would just think it is in the best interest to view all possible outcomes from either decision.

I recommend doing a Google search on "collateral consequences of criminal charges." This is a subject that many scholars have written on and maybe having your son look at it might give him a better understanding of the effects of a criminal record that have not occurred to him yet.

In any event, what you do is your choice as a parent, and I do not envy your situation.

[xylene]

Personally, I think it is REALLY odd that your 19yo son lives at home, and that you search his belongings.

What did your SON say when you confronted him about the marijuana?

Let me guess you didn't talk to HIM.

Your son is a man, let him man up. Why don't you do the right thing, flush the pot and tell son to get lost (ie move out.)

This trying to control him is actually enabling.

If you turn your son in, it is pretty likely you will never see him for a long time. People whose parents get them put in jail tend to be bitter like that. And if you think prison will fix your son's drug issues - IT WON'T!

[dave33]

It is possible to get a stiffer penalty in Mass. I think the situation is a little more involved than you think considering he is on out of state probation. I believe even if you did contact is probation officer they would refer you to local police.

[richardf3]

Originally Posted by xylene

Personally, I think it is REALLY odd that your 19yo son lives at home, and that you search his belongings.

What did your SON say when you confronted him about the marijuana?

Let me guess you didn't talk to HIM.

Your son is a man, let him man up. Why don't you do the right thing, flush the pot and tell son to get lost (ie move out.)

This trying to control him is actually enabling.

If you turn your son in, it is pretty likely you will never see him for a long time. People whose parents get them put in jail tend to be bitter like that. And if you think prison will fix your son's drug issues - IT WON'T!

Let me set you straight...

1. He was caught via text messages two years ago by his girlfriends father intending to distribute a quantity they had purchased. He admitted guilt and rather than report him to the police, we tried to deal with him on it.

2. Then the Xanax situation outlined above occurred.

3. I didn't SEARCH his room, I went in and he had the bag in his hands. Of course I wanted to flush it but he "says" the guy he was "holding it for" has a gun and would kill him. He claims he was only holding it for this guy while he was out of town. Do I believe a word he says? Absolutely not but his mother is wants to believe him. I believe he was going to distribute it.

4. This kid has a history of disrespect (school, home, etc) and has a "I am invincible" attitude which needs a serious reality check before he gets even further down the wrong path.

5. I want him the hell out!! His mother won't do it because nobody wants to take him in except his grandmother and she doesn't want to punish her with him.

6. I am only the step-father and therefore have limited power. And before you ask, his own father doesn't want him which makes me feel a little bad.

I grew up with kids just like him and see what losers they are now and I am just looking to derail his "you can't touch me" attitude before he ruins the rest of his own life. I don't want to ruin his life for him I just wanted to see what my options were and if it will give him a permanent record, I am extremely hesitant to take that option.

[xylene]

Originally Posted by richardf3

I grew up with kids just like him and see what losers they are now and I am just looking to derail his "you can't touch me" attitude before he ruins the rest of his own life. I don't want to ruin his life for him I just wanted to see what my options were and if it will give him a permanent record, I am extremely hesitant to take that option.

You can't cure him.

If you want him gone, then get him busted.

If you don't want him busted (prison) then lean on mom.

A 19 year old MAN does not need a place to go. He can find his own way. There are homeless shelters and flop-houses for people in transition. Get a job and get a meager apartment...

This situation is not that complex given that the person involved is an adult.

[richardf3]

Originally Posted by xylene

You can't cure him.

If you want him gone, then get him busted.

If you don't want him busted (prison) then lean on mom.

A 19 year old MAN does not need a place to go. He can find his own way. There are homeless shelters and flop-houses for people in transition. Get a job and get a meager apartment...

This situation is not that complex given that the person involved is an adult.

He WAS 19 when he got busted, he turned 20 in June.

As for where to go... you're preaching to the choir. I've told his mother umpteen times that he would learn very quickly about REALITY having to fend for himself for a change but she feels he's not ready.

First she insisted he leave... he refused. Then she asked him to leave... he refused. So, she let him stay and once again his "screw you" attitude is back in full force. We told him we were considering reporting this to his probation officer and his response was to cop a 'tude and tell us that he'd bet $200 (seriously) that it doesn't matter because it's in a different state.

NY law is to provide a home until he is 21 years of age.

[DCrippa]

I would say you should sit down with him and make him aware of the very real outcome of a probation violation. Second, give him an ultimatum to get his sh*t together or he's kicked out obviously with his Mom's backing. He'll run into enough trouble on his own so really, no need to turn him in and create more angst and bad vibes. If said ultimatum comes up and nothing changes - change the locks and involve authorities if he trespasses.

Technically if he's dealing he kind of already has a job... You should tell him that - and also tell him that if that's the job he wants he'll have to manage his inventory and associated risks of such a profession off the premises of your/ his mom's house and to find his own place. If he's such a big man to make such choices surely adding a few more like lodging and food shouldn't be too hard. You may also want to point out that his cavaliere attitude towards his future and his current "job" could affect both of you but more importantly his mom since you're not related...

Good luck! That sucks, but hey - it could always be worse.

[xylene]

Originally Posted by richardf3

NY law is to provide a home until he is 21 years of age.

That is incorrect.

[bakhvac]

Hey richard...I am presently going thru the exact samething....

My son is 18 and on probation for pot......

He was arrested on Sunday and had pot on him again....the difference I guess is that I called the police....

He was gone for 3 days and me and the wife had no idea where he was, he wouldnt answer his phone....he has done this many times before. Well he has a real bad Anger issue and when he got home we asked where has he been and his temper erupted and he kicked in the front of our oven, kicked in a bunch of walls and knocked over our Entertainment center and destroyed everything on it.....and he pulled a knife on me....I called the police because I was afraid he would hurt somebody....or even himself. Well the police stopped him and he had pot on him....he told us he stopped doing it after his first arrest and he has passed his drug tests....

Part of his original probation required him to get good grades and good attendance in school.....well he has been cutting school and his grades are bad and they are considering kicking him out of school.....

We have a 5yo daughter with us and I was afraid of what could happen....

NOW......to him I'm nothing but a "Snitch Rat"**************.and his "Friends" are going the same path as him......