Sisters, Sisters...

[NellieBly]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? MA. My mother had to come live with me a few years ago, when she could no longer care for herself and her husband. (He had dementia and went to live with his sister back in his childhood home, where he functioned pretty well.) He passed away in 2014.

As time passed, diabetic issues took their toll on my mom. She went into a rehab facility (another horror storY) and is not in the hospital, where she used up all her medicare days. She is no longer competent.

To cut to the chase, she made me her health care proxy with older sister being #2. Younger sister is not on the list, although she's done a remarkable job of managing care. Being health care proxy has been a nightmare beyond belief. Doctors want her on "comfort measures only" and my sisters want her cured. That's probably not going to happen.

My mother's husband left her with a decent estate. Older sister hired a lawyer a year ago and nobody's seen a dime. My mother signed a paper stating my older sister may represent her in matters of the estate, but nobody told us it needed to be notarized We're at Square One.

Now, my sisters want her to be moved out of state for health care. Either to Washington State where my older sister lives or New Jersey where my younger sister lives, or Georgia where the same sister lives part time. I don't think Mom could tolerate such a trip.

My mother has always been my best friend. Nursing home roommates have told me she calls out for me at night. If they move her, I'll never see her again.

Older sister asked me to relinquish being health care proxy, which I said I'd do, now I'm not so sure. It's been horrible, with doctors chasing me around with DNR forms and threatening me with "the ethics committee" As though they have any legal standing.

Please advise and not criticize me too much.

 

[commentator]

So right now, your mother is in some sort of care facility and is self paying, right? Or is she back in your house? It's not exactly clear to me why you could not put your mother in a care facility there close to your home. Or is she in one there now?

You say she has significant assets, this would cover some sort of care facility. Her financial POA needs to be paying her bills, nothing more. This is what is happening, right? Or are you saying she has not received anything from her husband's estate right now?

Why do each of your sisters want to move her away from where she is now?
Is it their intention to put her in a facility close to them, or to take her into their homes? If a care facility is in their plans, do they have one picked out? Do they know there's an opening? Do they know it will be a good placement for her?

I cannot see why you should not be the healthcare POA and the financial POA as all you will be doing with that financial POA at this point is covering her bills and expenses as she cannot do herself. She may end up using a lot of this money from her husband's estate to pay for her final care. But that's the reason one is glad to have financial assets, right. so one can have health care coverage in one's final years?


I'm sure you want to get along with your sisters, but it sounds as though you are the lead person here, and that you should be. Except you say that your younger sister has "done an excellent job of managing care" How was she managing care when mom was living with you in your state?

It sounds as though your sisters have sort of come in from where they are and both want to move her to their states, where they can take over the privilege of controlling the care of your mother,

That they want an elderly and very compromised person "cured"does not sound as though they are thinking realistically. And you can't split your mother into three pieces and each take part of her. But why should you give up all your right to care for her? One of you has to be the lead caregiver.

I am sorry you have found this business of being your mother's medical POA a nightmare. But I don't really understand here either. Why are they threatening you with the "ethics committee?" What do you mean that they only want to give her palliative care?Do you disagree with this? Why if they think she is this bad off are you struggling with her doctors? It is usually recommended that an elderly person have no highly aggressive processes to revive them in such circumstances. I had no problem with signing this DNR for my mother, though she was fairly cognizant. I didn't want them putting her through what they'd put her through to revive her, just to give ME some kind of assurance I'd done all I could.

I could see, from what many families go through, that it was really easier to be an only child when doing eldercare. But from what I'm hearing, it doesn't sound like it would be a kindness to your mother for you to just back off completely at this point and let your sisters take control and split her up, drag her across the country and take away the person she depends on most and feels most secure with. Have you talked about this with them bluntly? Could you perhaps find a family mediator to help you decide these issues?