What to do with mom...

[rosier2000]

What is the name of your state? Florida

My sweet mother, who I have been a caregiver for the last four months, had shown some troubling signs of dementia so I took her to a memory clinic yesterday. The Dr. a neurologist, tested her and based on that and the details I provided, declared her to officially have dementia and that she has had it a while. We will have lots of tests done to eliminate all other possible causes. He told me he was sure it was most likely Alzheimers, but not to tell her. Because it is disturbing. He said he would but it in his report that she was incapable of handing money, driving and living alone. He told me it was too late for her to declare a POA.

As upsetting as this is—It is not a surprise most of my family, but it is to her. She thinks everyone is trying to steal her money and that I’m making all this up. I wish to be appointed her guardian so I can care for her now, however, I will not be able to do this long time as I am a single parent of two and have to work to support my family. Also I have a wayward sister who lives on the other side of the country and loves to cause trouble. Therefore, I must make sure everything is done correctly and she is properly taken care of. We are selling her home soon for around 70k and this is all she has.

Can anyone offer me practical suggestions on best way to deal with all this???

 

[BelizeBreeze]

What is the name of your state? Florida

My sweet mother, who I have been a caregiver for the last four months, had shown some troubling signs of dementia so I took her to a memory clinic yesterday. The Dr. a neurologist, tested her and based on that and the details I provided, declared her to officially have dementia and that she has had it a while. We will have lots of tests done to eliminate all other possible causes. He told me he was sure it was most likely Alzheimers, but not to tell her. Because it is disturbing. He said he would but it in his report that she was incapable of handing money, driving and living alone. He told me it was too late for her to declare a POA.

As upsetting as this is—It is not a surprise most of my family, but it is to her. She thinks everyone is trying to steal her money and that I’m making all this up. I wish to be appointed her guardian so I can care for her now, however, I will not be able to do this long time as I am a single parent of two and have to work to support my family. Also I have a wayward sister who lives on the other side of the country and loves to cause trouble. Therefore, I must make sure everything is done correctly and she is properly taken care of. We are selling her home soon for around 70k and this is all she has.

Can anyone offer me practical suggestions on best way to deal with all this???

You answered your own question. Petition for guardianship and have a trust set up at mom's bank for the proceeds of the home so her longterm care can be addressed.

 

[rosier2000]

Thanks BelizeBreeze for your quick response. I will try my best. Do you have any idea of likely costs and how long this would take? This is a lot to take on. Don't have a lot of money myself, she won't until house is sold. I'm an authorized user on her account so I can do a little on my own.

 

[BlondiePB]

Thanks BelizeBreeze for your quick response. I will try my best. Do you have any idea of likely costs and how long this would take? This is a lot to take on. Don't have a lot of money myself, she won't until house is sold. I'm an authorized user on her account so I can do a little on my own.

Once you petition for guardianship, it will take approximately 6 weeks for the court hearing. You must hire an attorney (per FL statutes). Ask your attorney about reimbursement for the fees and costs. You CANNOT sell mom's home now. After being appointed guardian for your mom, you have to ask permission of the court to sell mom's home and put the proceeds in the restricted guardian funds account.

 

[rosier2000]

Thanks Blondie, I know I can't sell her house, but she has agreed to sell it and signed the contract this past January. However two weeks later a large tree fell on it crushing the kitchen and causing considerable damage. (Life is strange)
Luckly, she was with me so she did not witness this nor was hurt. She had some insurance and my brohter handled contracting repairs with the insurance money anything he couldn't handle himself. Just getting her to sign over insurance checks and explaining everything to her several times and she still didn't get it is how I knew something was really wrong.

It is now weeks from being ready for sale again and have an interested buyer.
Problem is, she thinks she can move in and live by herself, which if you read the above you will know she can't.

I don't know if I can help her. I don't know what to do, she gets very agitated and angry with me on minute, sweet the next. It's a terrible. I could try to stall until court but I'm not sure it's worth the trouble, I don't want her money, she needs every bit of it.

I want to sign her up for medicaid witch I'm sure she could qualify for, but I don't know if they would take her house???

 

[pojo2]

I don't know if I can help her. I don't know what to do, she gets very agitated and angry with me on minute, sweet the next.

This is very common with dementia and a violent state might even arrive. The money issue is also very common in these patients.

Hang in there but realize too you may come to a stage that caring for her yourself is no longer an option if it turns violent with her.

 

[rosier2000]

Thanks, it's good to know that there are others out there that have expereinced this. I know I can't provide long time care for her, I have my kids, job and sanity to consider.

My brothers won't help much and I'm feeling rather stressed, taking this responsibilty AND being the bad guy. Still, this is mom, I'll do whatever it takes.

Do you think I should let the sale happen her home is really remote and 4 hours drive from me? I could find suitable housing for her here, I've contacted Elder Services and hopefully they can offer suggestions. Cause if she gets violent, she can't stay. My son already is kinda freaked and stays away from her. Could be because she blames him for stealing personal items too.

 

[Nancy Anne]

Been There, still there!

I'm not an attorney, but my heart goes out to you..I've had my mother in this condition for several years now and KNOW of which you speak. I, not knowing what I would face, promised my mother NEVER to put her in a home. I, along with my family, now pay the price. Violence, accusations, sleepless nights, irrational behavior are daily fare here. I also have children that I home-school, farm animals to care for and the list goes on. Please, save your sanity and get a lawyer NOW, for the good of yourself, family and your Mother! Believe me, I know where you've been and I know only too well where you're headed. Get your ducks in a row NOW for everyone's good. The emotional and FINANCIAL drain can be overwhelming!

 

[rosier2000]

Thanks, Nancy. It's already too much sometimes, I know it will get worse. I'll get an attorney somehow, I can't really afford one, but I'll find a way.

She dosen't what to stay with me, she doesn't have any other options execpt for assisted living etc. Can we say big bucks? (I should send her to my trouble making sister in NM who agrees with my mom that there is nothing wrong with her! ) Nice. I wonder how long she would last???? lol Sorry evil thoughts along with catharsis.

 

[candg918]

I've been where you are recently. Let Sis have her for a visit and you won't have any trouble from Sis after that. {LOL}

Seriously, research adult day care facilities if she is living with you. They function just like ones for children. Some even have the transportation to move between home and center which is great if they have mobility problems and require a wheel chair.

Some assisted living centers have "memory units" for dementia patients. There are generally 3 levels of care. The first is just for people with memory, wandering, time problems. The mid level of care is for those requiring significant assistance with daily activities but not requiring skilled nursing care. The third level is a locked unit in a skilled nursing facility for those requiring both services. I don't know if it is acceptable to name a chain that has levels 1 & 2 of these facilities; my mother was in and really liked living in a level 1 facility of this chain. She only moved to level 3 at the nursing home because of her cancer requiring a signifivcant level of nursing care. If you will email me, I'll reply with the information on the assisted living facility.

Before deciding what to do, I'd suggest that you have her evaluated by a geriatric psychiatrist. It may involve being an inpatient in a specialized unit. If she is on Medicare, it may be covered as my mother's was. The new dementia drugs can have a dramatic positive effect in early dementia. You have probably heard Aricept advertised. Others my mother took were Namenda and Gabitrol. My mother went from having to live in a skilled nursing facility to being ablr to return to my home. The drugs do not "cure" dementia but have a temporary positive effect. She may need to be hospitalized for several weeks for a good evaluation and stabilization on the drugs.

Another reason for having a geriatric specific evaluation is that some regularly prescribed and over the counter drugs can have devastating effects on the elderly. For my mother Detrol and Benedryl were contributing to her bad behavior. These were prescribed and recommended by an internal medicine specialist. Relatively minor infections can also cause problems. It took a trip to the geriatric psychiatric unit to get my mother off all of the drugs that could have been contributing to the dementia.

It is a good idea to have all the legal paperwork taken care of before going into the hospital so that you don't have to "negotiate" with her in order to deal with the medical paperwork but can use your health care POA/guardianship/whatever in order to have her health care needs addressed.

Good luck!!!

C

 

[BlondiePB]

Thanks Blondie, I know I can't sell her house, but she has agreed to sell it and signed the contract this past January. However two weeks later a large tree fell on it crushing the kitchen and causing considerable damage. (Life is strange)
Luckly, she was with me so she did not witness this nor was hurt. She had some insurance and my brohter handled contracting repairs with the insurance money anything he couldn't handle himself. Just getting her to sign over insurance checks and explaining everything to her several times and she still didn't get it is how I knew something was really wrong.

It is now weeks from being ready for sale again and have an interested buyer.
Problem is, she thinks she can move in and live by herself, which if you read the above you will know she can't.

I don't know if I can help her. I don't know what to do, she gets very agitated and angry with me on minute, sweet the next. It's a terrible. I could try to stall until court but I'm not sure it's worth the trouble, I don't want her money, she needs every bit of it.

I want to sign her up for medicaid witch I'm sure she could qualify for, but I don't know if they would take her house???

Continuing with the sale of the house and having her sign checks over to you with mom in her current state can land y'all in a heap of trouble. Get started on the guardianship while waiting these weeks during the repairs. Mom needs medication for her dementia. It will help with her paranoia. Interested buyers do understand the need for waiting court approval to sell a ward's assests. Once the guardianship is in place, approval for selling assests takes a very, very short time (day or two). Be sure to include Health Care Surrogate on the guardianship court order. Being guardian of a person does not automatically mean that you are in charge of a ward's health care decisions. You must be the Health Care Surrogate. FL's statutes regarding guardianship is Chpt. 744 at this link:

www.flsenate.gov/statutes

 

[rosier2000]

Wow, Thanks. This is very helpful, both with the information at such a critical time, and the outstanding understanding empthay you all have.

The doc put her on Aricept but said it would be weeks before I would notice any effects. She is getting more agitated because she thinks I'm stealing her money, bossing her around, and the Dr is a quack. I know these are all part of the dementia, but still tough to handle.

I'm going to get an attorney and start the paperwork, for her. I wish I had gotten her to sign POA to someone before this. Oh well. I'm going to let an attorney handle this if I can afford one. Meanwhile, adult day care sound fabulous.

Thanks so much! God Bless

 

[candg918]

According to my mother's doctor, it does take some time for them to stabilize on the meds. In my mother's case, the confusion/aggitation was a problem for about 4-6 weeks and then the improvement was dramatic. After spending some time in the skilled nursing section of the retirement community, she moved to assisted living which she preferred to living with my family. She had a studio apartment with frig and microwave (much safer than a stove! She nearly burned my house down while living with me.) and was "happy as a clam" until an infection and a recurrance of cancer which put her back in skilled nursing temporarily. They is definitely hope! I do encourage you to become familiar with residential and day supervision programs in your area as the drugs help only for a while and the progression of the disease will continue.

Check with your local law school. They often have clinics that assist people with limited resources. Check also with you local Council on Aging or Senior Services Helpline or whatever it is called in your area for referrals.

Best wishes to you both!!


C

 

[rosier2000]

update

Update. Hired an attorney 2K. Will get paperwork started today, so I can continue to get help for my mom. She is starting to resist efforts to have any more tests done. She is afraid of the results, and is worried that all her money is gone. We have had an MRI and an EEG done and will find out recommendations, results from this soon, so I hope I haven't jumped the gun....

Because, now my brother thinks it's a HUGE mistake to spend the money on an attorney as he feels this can be all run through 'under the radar'. I told him, I would rather not have to pay for legal assistance, as it is a lot o money, heartache and drama; however it is unavoidable. She can not, continue to stay with me and my family, it is a giant black hole sucking the life out of me, and affecting my children, my job, and my sanity. (I'm thinking there are several posters here how understand how this can pull you down and are nodding heads in agreement)

My lawyer said to wait to sell the house and her car until after I have guardinship. so their are no legal challenges. She said I could then charge the lawyers fees to my mom and am entitled for administrative fees for what is required for my mom's care. She also said that setting up a trustfund for anything less then 100k is a waste of time and money.
She said just set a seperate account and pay everything out of that and keep excellent records. That part sounds pretty easy. It's getting my mom help right now that has been hard! She keeps saying she'd rather be dead that stay any longer at my house! There should be a special place in heaven for caregivers!!! And helpful posters!

 

[candg918]

Oh to be an only child!! I understand dealing with siblings; I'd rather have NO help than the help I received. Anti-helpful siblings - and other relatives - make a difficult situation even worse especially when they have no idea about what is really happening.

You have made the right decision consulting an attorney! This is not the time to try to save money by doing without proper legal advice. Now follow her instructions. Just be sure you keep meticulous records so if your siblings ever threaten to take you to court, you can pull out the records and tell they can review the files at any time.

Placing your mother in a facility where she can receive the appropriate care is the best for her as well as you and the rest of your family. I found that once my mother settled into her new place, she was much happier and forgot about how difficult she had been and how much she hated me. It was nice to be able to enjoy visiting with her during her last months.

Thanks for letting us know that things are working out for you both.

C