abusive husb.-need HELP.

[suicidal]

I don't know whether to even try to fight back or kill myself. Live in Pa.,common-law marriage since 1978,three sons-oldest,21,youngest,13.Abusive,manipulating,poss.mentally ill,'good-talker'(people believe his lies)I'm totally trapped.I've been a chronic pain patient for 6 years.Can't work. Soley dependant on him. He broke my ribs 5 years agnly the dr.knows.Never called police because of threats by him.He intentionally lied to one dr.and said I'd abused my meds(I hadn't)also accuses me of being alcoholic(I am-its the only way I can keep my sanity-I KNOW I wouldn't need to drink if he were gone. He sexually abuses me and if I say 'no',it can get very frightening.He totally denys any wrongdoing on his part,and always looks like the 'good guy'.He's filed bankruptcy 2x(my name is 'mud'again!)All he wants is to sell house so he can have a pocket full of cash.He's financially irresponsible,but blames it all on me.(I NEVER buy anything!) I told him if we 'divorce',that I want to keep the house as its ridiculous to make me rent an apt,when the rent will cost as much as the mortgage pmt is now. He also has firearms and licence to carry. Afraid he'd actually try and kill me if they were taken away from him.Plus,he jokes about it being 'cheaper to keep her',yet he lies constantly and gets enraged if I don't forgive him.He's addicted to porn on the internet,and God only knows where else.I'm scared to death of getting an STD.I've NEVER cheated on him in the 25 yrs.we've been together. I want to be able to keep the house.He tried to get me to go along with being declared 'incompetent',a few years ago.Said it was so that he could show the kids just how sick mom is,and needs peace and quiet,and if they saw a document from the courts,they would behave. (he's insane!) All he's been doing for quite awhile is trying to figure out ways to take the house from me.It is also in my name. He wanted to send me to hospital to de-tox from alcohol and pain meds.,which its proven that I need the pain meds,he just wants it on record that I was in a place like that. I did not go. Its all too much to explain,but I'm afraid I'm going to have a nervous breakdown soon. He also wanted for us to go to a 'counselor'whos ALSO a lawyer to 'put all our cards on the table'.I told him the pain meds haven't affected my brain as he'd like people to believe,and that I was not so stupid as to see a lawyer with him,(HE'D be paying this guy)tell him MY side of story,and then have it all used against me later. He's a really good talker and is very believable.He knows that any extra stress causes me more physical pain and he uses any opportunity he can to do just that. Other times he's as sweet as sugar. (more like 'equal' cos he's just as phony). He'd never let me work and now I can't.I know that I'd get better some physically if he weren't here making my life totally miserable.I also may have lupus.I just don't see any way OUT of this except for suicide sometimes. Can anyone out there give me some advice? He also checks on me during the day. I don't want him to know what I'm planning to do(IF I decide to get protection papers on him-can my drinking be used against me? I don't go to bars,I drink beer at home at night. He's also drugged my drinks a few years ago,I caught him but I had to play dumb,cos it looked as if he were gonna kill me right then and there.) As you can see by how I'm writing,I'm very desperate right now. Its 2:30 pm.,he'll be home soon. Please help me.
from suicidal

 

[Always searching]

Since no one else has taken a shot at this, I will attempt to offer some advice. It sounds like you are at the last of your rope and I can offer you some suggestions and possibly some hope. You can't escape your present situation until your mind and your body are clear of any foreign substances. Thinking clearly even in the midst of chaos will help. Alcohol is a depressant and heavens know that you don't even need any thing else that would cause you to be depressed. First you have to have a plan. If you have relatives you could go visit for awhile, that is an idea. You could go to the women's shelter in your area with your 13 year old. It isn't the most wonderful place in the world, but you can go somewhere and he can't locate you. You can file for a protection order and restraining order. It sounds like he has you pretty closed in with no friends or a way around. I uge you to look up on the internet under Domestic Abuse and read. At least you can find some information that might be of some assistance to you. Could you get out to go to church or AA or something positive? Getting a clear head is the start of recovery and you can think about how to improve your life instead of thoughts of suicide. What would your son do without you? He would grow up to be an example of exactly what your husband is. At least you have a shot of his being different. You have to stop abusing yourself for you, not for anyone else and really you can't blame everything on your husband. Granted he doesn't sound like a nice person to be around, but I think you would be happier with a clear head and a new view about things. Get out a piece of paper and write down what you want out of life. Make some goals for yourself and make them simple. I urge you not to do anything drastic right now. If you have a relative and could go there, then go, otherwise, get yourself straightened out and then make some plans. He doesn't plan on getting rid of you anytime soon, so make a plan and clean up the act. There is so much of life to live and being controlled is not a fun thing. There is a saying that goes, Fake it till you make it. Well sweetie, fake it. Read on the internet and find a domestic abuse message board and post some questions to women who have been there. Wait of course for the "legal" advice but there isn't anything or any problem in the world that is too difficult or terrible that can't be worked out. Just lean on God's grace.

 

[usdeeper]

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Always searching:
Since no one else has taken a shot at this, I will attempt to offer some advice.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

and I am glad you did.. I hate to see posts unanswered, especially these types..

Something I would like to add which is not really related. If you are using a computer in your house, which I believe you are, then you need to be careful so that your husband does not suspect. Anyone with a little knowledge can find out where you have 'been' on the internet... and since he uses the computer a lot, then he may check since he seems to have control issues.

After each 'surfing/research' session, you will need to clear what is called the 'history' and the 'cache'..ie, where you have been. Now, clearing this is, in itself enough to raise suspicion if checked, but at least he will not know where you have been. If you let me know which browser you are using, I will tell you how to do it..

Also.. if you have two different browsers on the computer, ie, Netscape AND IExplorer and you know he uses Netscape, then YOU use the other one..

 

[Mugs23]

Take your youngest son and get out when he's not home. If you have family you can trust, go there. Go to the police. Go to a women's shelter. I don't know where in PA you live - but here are some #'s of shelters. I'm sure they can help & if not - refer you to a place that can...

717-846-5400
724-568-5549
724-852-2463

Also - do this sober. You have to have your wits about you Good luck.

 

[Ms Annoyed]

I agree, you must have a plan. I too thought I had no way out but I had to get focused and get a plan going. It takes time so please don't end it all. I take pride in myself now becuase I can call myself a "survivor". You will be so much stronger mentally when you accomplish this, like you are on top of the world. He knows your weaknesses and is trying to kill your spirit. You must not let him win. Look at you and figure what you need to change. I hope you can seek out AA or go to church. Church and praying helped get my strength back. Prayer is powerful. I don't mean to preach and I hate when people do it too much but in my past situation I found it a comfort to me. Also, remember to document everything that happens to you as far as the abusive husband is concerned. Hide it because you may need to use it in court someday. Keep everything hidden to the best of your ability. And especially get on those domestic violence chat rooms. They too will give you strength because they've been there. Just hold on! Believe me, you will get through this.

 

[goodmommy]

I think you need to go to a women's shelter and explain to them that your life is in danger and you need to completely relocate! You have to get out of this situation, if not for you, but your children. No one should ever see their mother treated this way! Don't limit yourself and don't feel that its hopeless! There is always other options. This man has been making you feel that you can't live without him, but that's not true! I think you need to grab your kids and leave. And please, don't kill yourself, you have a purpose: Your a mother! Sometimes when you've lived in a situation like this for such a long time, you think that the whole world is filled with mean, selfish people, but that's not true! Their are churches or resource centers that will help people in your situation. Don't forget that there are still good caring people out there who want to help others. There is a better life out there for you! Please keep in touch and let us know if you need help!

 

[mommycat]

I deeply feel for you...I've been there.
It is amazing how a man can charm the world, look squeeky clean, and yet, behind the scenes demoralize a woman.
We, the experienced and survivors, know that, and fortunately so do the experts.
your husband is doing a great job of keeping you under his control, and making you feel devalued...but you know what? You are a special person. He is the one who has problems, he is the one who is sick, but will never admit it, so he blames his problems on you and copes with life by controllig you and fooling the world.
First, and upmost, you must think about your children, what they are going thru and what they have been thru.
I'll never foret the time I went to my first lawyer and she looked me in the eyes and said, "it is your fault." "My Fault?" I asked. "Yes, because you have stayed and allowed this man to walk over you and LET YOUR CHILDREN EXPERIENCE IT...YOU ARE TEACHIN YOUR DAUGHTER TO STAY IN AN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP, AND TEAHCING YOUR SON THAT IT IS OK FOR A MAN TO ABUSE A WOMAN AND THAT WOMAN SHOULD TOLERATE IT." Powerful words, but true...I am my children's best provider and best teacher, it is mine and YOUR responsibility to teach them values...no mind the consequences (like losing your home).
Sounds difficult? It certainly is, but you no only owe your children, you owe it to yourself! You are special, in your children's eyes and most importantly in God's eyes. He has a purpose for you! You have experienced so much in your life, now turn the bad to good...do something with your life...make it count for something. YOU CAN DO IT!! Make lemonade out of the lemons!!!
So where do you begin? you say you may be an alchoholic? then you probably are...so go to Alchohol anamous...call them TODAY, RIGHT NOW!~ Don't waste another precious moment, some of your children are grown and have probably learned behaviors that they will not like about themselves...your 13 yr old has a chance...give it to him! your CHILDREN AND OTHERS YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW WILL RESPECT YOU...NOT FROWN ON YOU!!
so...call AA;
call some churches...visit a few, make true friends;
go to a woman's shelter if your life is in danger, and make certain you take your kid wherever you go, or the courts will acuse you of abandonment! Proactively take charge of your life...take it back from HIM!!
I promise the road you are about to travel is very hard, but if you stick it out, you will learn to love yourself again, and give your kids a special gift...YOU!!!
To think about killing yourself is not the answer...that would be an easy way out, but your children would suffer greatly for it. So stop them from hurting, and go for LIFE...it is the greatest feeling to live again, You can do it...I know, because I DID!