anSWER FOR THE WORST DIVORCE CASE EVER.

Has anyone run into a situation like this? Do you know how to get out of it? Please read on:

I have been through the world's worst divorce (OK, but to me it was) and it will not stop. This Washington State dissolution started in July 1999 and the final decree was issued on May 5, 2000, but the litigation has doubled since May. I think my ex's lawyer and the lawyers I have had to hire, have some other agendas in the case and all seem to act in unison. This is probably because of the amount of legal fees involved. My ex paid her lawyer over $65,000 in May, for a divorce that did not require a trial and where we did not disagree on much of anything. the effect on my Ex, of paying the bill, has been to encourage her to file motion after motion against me for contempt (or really, perceived contempt), in order to try and recover from me, what she has already spent on attorney's fees. Her lawyer has not refused to file a motion, no matter how silly it is, he can't lose even if the motion is denied. In Washington state, a post decree contempt motion results in fines and awards of attorney's fees that are payable to the winner (my Ex) as if they were won in a damages action. This just fans the emotional flames involved.

I can't seem to bring this dissolution case to an end. The Ex was successful in getting many restraining orders against me, forbidding all communications with her by any means, except by mail. These orders are given out without requiring any proof of abuse or domestic violence at all. The mere allegation of "emotional and mental abuse" (i.e. arguing with her and not letting her have her own way always) sets off a "special" process in my county (and apparently a secret process) that grants the woman any order she wants, including orders awarding community property. I have been told my her lawyer and mine that "things will get worse" if I try to challenge such orders, and they were right. Initially I resisted the order, but then gave it up in the interest of getting the case over with. But, it did not end. Instead, she & the lawyer continue to file contempt motions in Family Court and even file police reports demanding that I be arrested and given a jail sentence, for such evils deeds as telephoning my two daughters when their Mom prefers that I never see them again and for allegedly dropping off their rollerblades at "Mom's house" (where they live)when the order prevents me from being within 100 feet of her house. Even though the telephone calls are specifically allowed in the final decree, she screams "contempt...violation...",etc. and the police show up to give me a citation for violating a court order. For each "incident" she complains of, I am arrained on CRIMINAL charges in two separate cities (for the same act and based on the same facts) and I am held to answer in Family Court as well. This results in 3 fines ($2-3,000 each), at least, all payable to my ex to use for anything she wants (plus attorneys fees). Because such charges can result in a jail sentence, I am forced to hire lawyers to protect myself, and end up paying over $5,000 for each new "incident" for my lawyer's fees alone. My lawyers still refuse to mount a defense because of the "special" process set up by the Family court (Superior Court). That, in turn, prevents me from introducing any evidence in my favor at all. The court file now has two full volumes of her side of the story and nothing from me. When a new judge hears the new contempt motion, the file he/she reviews has all of the "ex's" false accusations and nothing from me, exposing the allegations as false. This being the case, the judge or commissioner says I am guilty and bases it on "the history of this case" as told to him by her lawyer and as the unchallenged statements in the file seem to support. I then fire the lawyer and my "ex" begins the process again with new motions for incidents that she alone considers to be in violation of the order and the process goes on. I have had to hire 4 different lawyers because of this at a cost to me of over $30,000 (that's well over $100,000 combined as of last May and is much higher for my ex by now). And I still can't get her side to stop the litigation even when I try to avoid further litigation by not exercising my visitation rights at all.

We were married for over 27 years when my ex suddenly, over night, stated that she wanted a divorce, but then refused to say why and, based on her lawyer's advice, has refused to talk to me at all about her decision or even about the children since the date of separation, over two years ago! She appears scared to death almost and is always angry at me and the children. I thought all of this might just be a mid-life crisis (something she did not allow me to have), but there must be something more to cause her to spend our life savings and the children's college money on her lawyer. The judges scoffs at my questions about the local legal process and my pleas to be heard. Her lawyer has even bragged in open court that he was the one who told my ex to file for divorce in the first place and what to say to get the Temporary restraining orders issued, but when I try to say something or my lawyer tries, we are summarily dismissed and reprimanded by each of the judges and commissioners. They are obviously completely ignoring me. When the children volunteered to testify that what I was trying to say was absolutely true, the judges refused to listen to them as well. If this was done by one judge or commissioner, that could me something, but when all three in Family Court refuse to listen to the husband, I can't help but feel that the fix is in.

Can anyone out there suggest a way for me to stop all the harassing litigation? This is a true story and it is happening in Olympia, Washington right now. My entire "former family" has been destroyed and each of us is having some problem with the process, but the suits go on and on and the payments for fees continue. We will be broke very soon, but no one at the courthouse seems to care, especially if the husband is complaining. Olympia is so concerned about always being politically correct, that they (the courts included) ignore the impact of this kind of conflict on the children and the adults. I don't think my wife and I are even a part of the case anymore, it seems to be lawyer against lawyer and the judges see nothing wrong with it. (after all, they think they are preventing some real domestic violence, when it never existed except in the minds of the lawyers)., and we have to pay no matter what happens.

This is a real case of the system denying me and the children Due Process of law and of equal protection under the law, guaranteed by both the federal and state constitutions, but no one seems to care. It's as if everything has been scripted and the lawyers are all acting it out. I need to stop this, now!
ANY suggestions??

Please understand I am not an attorney, but from what you have stated here it would seem to me the solution would be to *follow the court order to a T* Dont give her any reason to file any more contempt charges on you. If you know you arent supposed to be within a 100' of her, dont go within a 100' of her. If you are not allowed to call to speak to the children, set it up so that at a designated time they call you.
Seems to me there is alot going on here that isnt being revealed. What has happened to justify the restraining or protective orders in the first place? If these were all frivolous the courts would have recognized it as such by now and put a stop to it.

I agree with LadyBlu..there is more to this story. I would, as she suggested, follow every court order to the letter, lay low and let some time pass. What visitation and child support orders are in effect? It sounds like a frustrating situation and her lawyer sounds like an agressive one. Deep pockets bring about many motions, that is for sure. I don't think LadyBlu is suggesting that you are explictly causing these incidents, just that for some reason that we aren't aware of in cyberspace, she finds cause to call the police, etc. Ask yourself, "How can I prevent this from happening?" I would think that after 27 years and a nice house and beautiful children, it probably just makes you mad as hell that she denies you communication and the access to your former home. That is my assessment, and I don't know you. It would make me mad too if that is any consolation. Try that and see if things calm down.

If you were denied due process and was not allowed to speak or present evidence then you should have appealed the decision.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Always searching:
[b]I agree with LadyBlu..there is more to this story. I would, as she suggested, follow every court order to the letter, lay low and let some time pass. What visitation and child support orders are in effect? It sounds like a frustrating situation and her lawyer sounds like an agressive one. Deep pockets bring about many motions, that is for sure. I don't think LadyBlu is suggesting that you are explictly causing these incidents, just that for some reason that we aren't aware of in cyberspace, she finds cause to call the police, etc. Ask yourself, "How can I prevent this from happening?" I would think that after 27 years and a nice house and beautiful children, it probably just makes you mad as hell that she denies you communication and the access to your former home. That is my assessment, and I don't know you. It would make me mad too if that is any consolation. Try that and see if things calm down. [/b]<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>


Thanks Always, I just reread what I had wrote and realize it does look as if I am chastising him, when that wasnt my intent. I thank you again for softening it up for me.

i'm dizzy, someone get me a chair please

I'm sure I'll catch flack for this, but just exactly when is the next divorce reform supposed to come around? When will we get back to a point where two ex's can enter a court room and there's not favoritism based on gender? And I know that not every court is that way, but there are enough issues that there ought to be a body or agency that can police these kinds of issues. And reindeer can really fly.....
As for your ex., treat her with kid gloves.. If something gets left behind in the future, you can have a friend drop it off, send it by cab, or make them come get it. Having someone with you as a witness takes away her advantage in court. Now her side has to discredit the witness as well. If you have a friend that's a cop or clergy, all the better. I'm like you.. I just want the pain to go away but it still hasn't.

I know I will probably get yelled at for this one but here goes. Just a thought about some statements that "STOPIT" made. He had said that the marriage was of many years and that her demand for a divorce was very sudden. He said she had no reasons for asking of a divorce. Now this is just a thought but 9 times out of 10 when a spouse suddenly does this there is usually a third party involved. So is it possable that the wife is having an affair? And if so, due to the actions of the lawyer perhaps he (lawyer) is the boyfriend? just a thought no ill feelings intended. <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Arrow:
[b]I'm sure I'll catch flack for this, but just exactly when is the next divorce reform supposed to come around? When will we get back to a point where two ex's can enter a court room and there's not favoritism based on gender? And I know that not every court is that way, but there are enough issues that there ought to be a body or agency that can police these kinds of issues. And reindeer can really fly.....
As for your ex., treat her with kid gloves.. If something gets left behind in the future, you can have a friend drop it off, send it by cab, or make them come get it. Having someone with you as a witness takes away her advantage in court. Now her side has to discredit the witness as well. If you have a friend that's a cop or clergy, all the better. I'm like you.. I just want the pain to go away but it still hasn't.[/b]<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by nyslob:
[b]I know I will probably get yelled at for this one but here goes. Just a thought about some statements that "STOPIT" made. He had said that the marriage was of many years and that her demand for a divorce was very sudden. He said she had no reasons for asking of a divorce. Now this is just a thought but 9 times out of 10 when a spouse suddenly does this there is usually a third party involved. So is it possable that the wife is having an affair? And if so, due to the actions of the lawyer perhaps he (lawyer) is the boyfriend? just a thought no ill feelings intended. [/b]<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>


YOU ARE WRONG!!!

LOL, j/k
Actually I see your point, but since this person has not replied since we replied it is a hard matter to tell. Regardless of the why's and how's though, if you have a restraining order against you why would you knowingly go against it? Not once but it seems several times. If I had a restraining order against me, I would stay as far away from that person as possible...

NYslob..I thought the same thing. I wonder if the ex has a boyfriend. After 27 years, it would be wrenching to SUDDENLY find out that you were being divorced. I would be willing to bet your intuition is right. Unless this poster writes back and corrects us, we will have to let this thread die and just wonder**************..

Thank you for your input and I do try to follow the orders to a "T". But, you are right, it is just so hard when I am used to a close relationship with the kids (and the EX) and there has never been any DV in the family, until her lawyer arrived.One time I returned the kids rollerblades to them at a time I technically wasn't suppose to, but it was only for 10 seconds and my "ex" didn't see me, I thought. Anyway, there was no reason for a report when I returned my children's items and, as always, made no attempt to see or talk to the "ex". Nonetheless, she reported me for that and for about 7 telephone calls I made to the kids, that she said were actually made to her. Those calls were allowed by the orders. I don't know why the judge believed something like that, it isn't true and makes no sene at all, except it resulted in my "ex" receiving about $3,000 in funes from me, which she used to pay her lawyer. I'm sure yopu are right, there must be something else at work here, but that is why I posted the story. I don't know what it could be. I realize that the court's new "system" is being tested on me, but it is a bit extreme. The new "system" is a demonstration project fumded by a federal grant. It is suppose to protect all victims of domestic violence by changing the normal civil procedure rules whenever the issue of abuse or DV is raised ion the initial petition for dissolution. Under the new process, the "victim" (even when only a self-declared victim) gets every order requested, ex parte, only her signed statement is required, nothing else in the way of evidence, and she is never threatened with prosecution for any perjury that might occur. In fact, no one has ever been prosecuted in this county for lying on an affidavid to support a restraining order, in recorded history! This is a big temmtation for her lawyer. One obvious "something else", although I hate to blame the lawyer all the time, is the amount my ex owes him. As I said, it was over $65,000 as of last May and now is probably twice that (with no trial or major disagreements). Owing that much money has scared her to the point of breaking-up. That represents all her savings and a good deal of her retirement. Since she was the higher paid spouse, I have even less than she had. So it might be just as plain as the lawyer taking advantage of the situation, since it would normally be so hard for anyone to believe this could happen. As far as the judges recognizing what is happening, I hoped they would, too. But, since my lawyers all refused to file any objections to her lawyers false allegations against me (out of fear of reprisals from the judges for breaking the rules of the "special process"0 the judges only see a thick file of one sided accusations and no responses from me, initailly. One commissioner even said that he did not read any of my responses to my ex's motions. So the judges end up with one side of the story and for some reason, feel that its OK to have only one side--strange but true. her lawyer, I am guessing, has been able to make his pitch to the judge before the hearing (I know and I don't like to suggest it either, but...)and the judges show up with a speech for me and a guilty finding, again without any input over 3 minutes, from me or my lawyer. All i can think of is that it must have something to do with the "special process" as even my lawyers refuse to talk about the details of the new rules (which is why I asked for help). It feels like there is a presumption of guilt in the new process, one that the judges aren't concerned with. Maybe, in the end 9after a year after the final decree) all documents are set right and the court avoids any more DV, even when it didn't happen before. In theory, the error in doing this would be in favor of avoiding any future combat (DV, etc.)but it is at any cost to the person wrongfully accused. I don't think it is proper in the first place and it is being abused by her lawyer in this case. Thanks again, I will update you on what happens in next week's court action. It has been quiet so far this week, but last week I had 3 court dates, including two of 3 hearings for allegedly commiting the same act and based on the same facts, but in 3 different courts and one of the hearings was in a town where the alleged act did not occur (that is one act resulting in 3 citations one of which was issued by a town where my ex lives, but where the act was not even alleged to have taken place). It seems that everyone wants a piece of the action--really strange. Nice if I were a movie star or someone, but I am no one at all- really wierd. Stay tuned, this will make a great movie-for-TV, if not a series. This might be a case for 60 Minutes.


<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by LadyBlu:
[b]Please understand I am not an attorney, but from what you have stated here it would seem to me the solution would be to *follow the court order to a T* Dont give her any reason to file any more contempt charges on you. If you know you arent supposed to be within a 100' of her, dont go within a 100' of her. If you are not allowed to call to speak to the children, set it up so that at a designated time they call you.
Seems to me there is alot going on here that isnt being revealed. What has happened to justify the restraining or protective orders in the first place? If these were all frivolous the courts would have recognized it as such by now and put a stop to it.[/b]<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

Thanks for your response. I did try to appeal the decisions, but with the "special procedure" ( a federally funded, demonstration program, I am told)no lawyer would appeal the decision past the superior court level. They each said it was too risky to get on the wrong side of the commissioner at this stage of the prodeedings. I was amazed that anyone would say that, but they did. I should have found a lawyer from a different county.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by usdeeper:
[b]If you were denied due process and was not allowed to speak or present evidence then you should have appealed the decision.[/b]<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

But if you get a chair in this county, it might have only 3 legs on it!

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by stenny00:
[b]i'm dizzy, someone get me a chair please[/b]<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

Really great possibility and one that I have been watching for. there is no sign of a third party and believe me, I have looked. She has refused to say why she wanted a divorce, other than to say she needed more time for herself (a real quote, really. But, hard to believe). She did say more than once that I didn't listen to her, but of course, I did. At any rate, her actions seemed a bit extreme for 27 years of marriage, really wierd. I honestly think it is her "Midlife Crisis", the one she would not allow me to have several years ago. Thanks.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by nyslob:
[b]I know I will probably get yelled at for this one but here goes. Just a thought about some statements that "STOPIT" made. He had said that the marriage was of many years and that her demand for a divorce was very sudden. He said she had no reasons for asking of a divorce. Now this is just a thought but 9 times out of 10 when a spouse suddenly does this there is usually a third party involved. So is it possable that the wife is having an affair? And if so, due to the actions of the lawyer perhaps he (lawyer) is the boyfriend? just a thought no ill feelings intended. [/b]<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

That makes sense, I'll try it. Thanks

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Arrow:
[b]I'm sure I'll catch flack for this, but just exactly when is the next divorce reform supposed to come around? When will we get back to a point where two ex's can enter a court room and there's not favoritism based on gender? And I know that not every court is that way, but there are enough issues that there ought to be a body or agency that can police these kinds of issues. And reindeer can really fly.....
As for your ex., treat her with kid gloves.. If something gets left behind in the future, you can have a friend drop it off, send it by cab, or make them come get it. Having someone with you as a witness takes away her advantage in court. Now her side has to discredit the witness as well. If you have a friend that's a cop or clergy, all the better. I'm like you.. I just want the pain to go away but it still hasn't.[/b]<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>