Any help for me?

The story is:
I met my husband when I was 18. We dated for 3yrs and then married. Now after 9 yrs and 3 kids, I have all of these avenues I want to explore. I would like to move out of state, take a job with a different company and see the world from a different angle. My husband has lived not only in the same state his whole life, but also on the same street. The kids are attending the same school he went to and he thinks that all of this is so very important. I feel like I am living a lie every day that I pretend to be completely happy. I know that he won't ever move, but should I leave because of this? I don't want to destroy everything for my kids, but should I stay when I'm not happy? My husband is a truly wonderful man and I don't want to hurt him now or ever, but I feel like the fire inside of me that he fell in love with is slowly dieing because of what I'm feeling. Any suggestions?

Think long and hard before you do anything. I was married to a good man for 18 years then wanted my freedom I felt like life was passing me by. We have 4 kids together. It is not greener on the other side we have been divorced now for 3 years and i have struggled every day. I have a very good paying job but things always begin to break down when x-tra cash is in the bank.Try to be happy there are no more good men out there beleive me.

Thank you, lonely mom, for your response. It's good sometimes just to hear that I'm not completely crazy for feeling this way. I would really like to have it all work out, but every day of my life I feel like crying. I just think that there is something that is missing in my life. I don't know that moving will help me find it, but staying doesn't seem fair to him or the kids. My mother stayed because of the kids and now she is no more happy than she was then. If anything, she is more misserable. I don't want to end up that way and I don't want to lead my kids to believe that they can't do what they want in life either. I am so completely confused. I know that life would be hard on me if I left, but is it any less difficult for me to stay? Which would be easier/more beneficial for the kids?

Have you tried taking time out for yourself? Try to get away one afternoon a week just for your self. Take up a hobby maybe. Single life is hard on the kids, but they finally adjust, but who knows what the later effect will be on them.I hope you the best of luck maybe it is just midlife crisis.But like I said give it all you got before you call it quits. That way you will not carry a guilt trip around with you.

30 years old and three kids, living a normal, if not monotonous life, with a man you have been with since you were 18....to some people that sounds a complete BORE, what a waste!!! But to others, like me, who have experienced divorce, child support issues, visitation rights, ex-spouses, and most of all, unhappy children--what you have sounds like a dream. I don't know if your spiritual faith, but if you are a Christian, you know in your heart the answers to your questions. If you are NOT a Christian (or other religious faith), then you might find great fulfillment in attending a worship service, maybe becoming a member of a church (including your husband and children). You may need to focus NOT on filling your life with excitement from job, travel, etc., but rather focus on filling your heart. God be with you.

First of all, I must comend you for not just -up and leaving, as some people do. You obviously realize you have a good man and actually a quite wonderfull life.I am a man, a devorced man, I can tell you that many men feel as you do...same old job..day in and day out...mow the yard on sat..etc. etc. Would love to buy that nice little boat around the corner, but really shouldn't because the kids collage fund comes first...YOu know what I'm saying...
Some of us guys have conditioned our selves to be practical..others are way to practical by nature. Which one is your hubby?
It sounds to me as if you two have been very successful at being "practical".It also sounds as if you have done a great job building a family and raising you kids!Hell you may have even married him because he was ..stable,hardworking,secure,PRACTICAL..the perfect father,safe...get my point?
Maybe all your feeling is secure and think its time to live a little! THERE IS NOTHING WRONG W/THAT!!!! You have earned it..
If i'm even close to right PLEASE,PLEASE at least give him the chance to do it with you..don't just assume he's a "stick in the mud" and leave him behind!!
You never know HIS secret fantasy may be you and him on Bora Bora running around in your birthday suits in the sun!!!(as soon as the kids are grown HaHA)
He may just need some proding to get him out of his comfort zone.
One more thought..even if he is a total Dullard..He may love you so much..that he would give up his lifestyle COMPLETELY..And become a purpled haired punk.If he new in his heart that woud make you happy..
Please Don't leave with out making him understand how you feel first.If you do you wil regret it the rest of your life.
sorry this was so long ..you kinda hit home..
Good Luck

Wow. I really would like to thank each of you for your responses. I can't tell you what a comfort it is to know that others have felt what I feel now.
Lonely mom, I did start taking some time just for me about two months ago in the hopes that it would solve my 'problem'. It helped, but it did not remove the desire to see what else is out there. I agree with you that it may be a midlife crisis. It feels a lot like one. That's why I am so reluctant to call it quits. I don't want to lose something wonderful over some crisis that will be over in a year or two anyway.
JKL, I have talked to him about some of my feelings. But not all. I 'tested the waters' so to speak by telling him that I would like to move. He doesn't like the idea, but has agreed that we need a bigger place and we are supposed to begin building our new home next spring.
Step mom, thanks for puting things into perspective. Somehow you knew just by reading that I was running from Him as well. I tried the church thing, but I felt so out of place with my 3 kids. Dragging them from one room to another, trying to get them to sit still and let me listen, trying to form friendships with people who had their lives already in place....just made me feel worse in the end. I felt like that I didn't fit in there or at home. Of course, I didn't ever really open up to them either. I just quit trying. I'm not sure that I am ready to tackle that again yet, but I may end up there for sanity.
Terdad, you sound as though you know where I am. My hubby is the type who was way too practical to begin with, and I did choose him for that reason. The kids will, no doubt, end up just that same way...at least the first two. The third, I'm afraid, has a lot of his mother in him. He is only two and already lives 'outside of the box'. I do want to live a little. My family has convinced me that all I need is some 'new' stuff in my life (like the new house, new neighborhood, etc....), but I don't want to move him from where he is very happy to a place that he doesn't really want to go to begin with only to have all of these feelings still be there six months or a year after we move. That is my biggest fear. That is why I am trying to decide if I should leave now, before we get into building a new house, etc. Kind of 'nip it in the bud'. You are right, he would give up everything that he holds dear just for me. He would truly become what I want him to be, but I don't want to ask. I want him to just 'decide' to do it. Just because. I guess I want him to really WANT to change. That will not ever happen. Just the way I'm sure that he wants me to change and be happy with what makes him happy....after all, I'm the one who started changing things. He was happy from the start. But I can't change the person I've grown into. I just married him before I knew or he knew who that was.

So, if any of you can slap me up-side the head and actually knock some sense into me, please take your best stab at it. I just don't want to ruin this by leaving or by staying. I'm just still not sure which one would be the worst choice. I wonder if there really is a good choice in there.

Quite confused...I want to apoligize ..up front.. for how tacky this is going to sound....
Maaybe you need to have an affair..(I warned you!) the experience would prob. tell you what you need to know..
It would give you that adventure you want and it would prove to you ..one way or another..if you are still in love w/ your hubby...
it would be risky(part of the adventure)but,It may just show u that the grass is not always greener..Plus if u decided you want out all u have to do is get caught.(sorry)
I know this sounds glib, maybe a bit kurt,but in all fairness given the choice. HE would prob. TELL you to have the affair rather than leave..for unknown reasons.
Also,think about this, you are considering changeing the world of EVERYONE around you..you,him,the kids,your family, his family...etc. your actions will affect a lot more people than just you and him. If you are making decisions that affect other peoples lives they should have a vote....Especially the imediate family!
In all honesty it sounds to me, that you need to decide how much or IF you still love your husband..I think your feeling like you have fallen out of love..thats a tuff place to be! People do grow apart! that, may be, why you feel traped and not want to give him any false hope..(the new house, the new neighborhood, etc.) You don't want to start over w/ someone you don't love.
If thats the case, you should talk it over w/him and tell him exactly how you feel! Make him understand...in ways only you know how..you know in you heart you could explain this to him if you REALLY wanted to...You also know that if you try..HE WILL TALK YOU OUT OF IT! I think thats what your afraid of so you won't try.
You can't expect him to "just decide to move and get a new job" etc. because he wants to. He dont want to! If thats what it takes to truly make you happy..he would do it. If you were together as a family..and everyone is happy who cares where you live?!!!
Remember he cannot read your mind...Your hiding your true feelings from him..you cant expect him to react to something he cant see.
Past that its not fair..But,you already know all this, Don't you?
once again, I'm sorry for being so long winded. I would hate to see what happened to me, happen to any body.

terdad**************..

Well, I can't begin to tell you how good it is to have you help me sort this all out. I hope that you will respond again today to what I'm about to say. You really are helping. So, here goes...
I did have an affair. I am currently still in it. I started looking for the affair about 2yrs ago hoping that it would prove to me once and for all that I have what is good and that there is not anything any better out there. All it proved to me is that I want something that runs deeper than sex. I have what runs deeper than sex. Yet, I still maintain a relationship with this other person whom I will never be able to be with. I don't know what keeps me in it other than the adventure of it. That, and maybe the fact that it cannot ever turn into anything permanent. I believe that I do not want anything permanent. I do love my husband. If I have to be 'stuck' with anyone, I would choose him. To be perfectly honest, I would prefer to be a single mom with some kind of 'relationship' with my hubby. I don't want to be married. I would like to just have my hubby as a friend/lover. Problem is, I don't want to be tied down. To anyone. Now or ever. But, I have a responsibility to my kids. They didn't ask me to make the decisions that I have. They are innocent. My hubby and I have a lot in common. We both enjoy the same kinds of things. (We can't do most of them because of the kids, but we enjoyed them before and look forward to a time when we can do them again.) The only difference is, I don't like staying in any one place for very long. I like moving around a lot. His idea of us building this new house is that we will then never have to move again because I am getting what I need to make me happy. He doesn't realize that I will be right back in the same place 5 or 10 years from now, if not sooner. If I tell him this now, he will not move to begin with.
I have talked this out with my oldest child. I wanted to know how it would affect her. She doesn't want me to go anywhere. She likes the way things are now. There isn't any fighting that goes on. We are mostly a loving family. I just have this secret life that I don't show anyone.
As for 'what makes the difference where you live if all are happy', we will not all be happy after we move. Hubby will not be. He will put on a show and as long as no one rocks the boat, he will not say anything about it...but he doesn't want to move and anytime that something goes wrong or I do anything to upset him (which we all know I will from time to time), he will throw it in my face that I am the reason for his not being truly happy. I am the whole reason we moved to begin with.
So, the question is, do I act selfishly and toss it all away because I don't want to be tied down anymore, or do I act responsibly (as did my mother) and deny myself the life I really want? Will there be happiness in the end if I choose to be responsible now? Or will I bury the adventuresome side of me (the way I believe my mother did)if I choose to stay? Will these feelings end up dieing in the end and leave me feeling empty not knowing quite why?
Sorry, terdad, I know I am not your problem, but you've come this far....can you see me through to the end? Thanks in advance.

Hello, I am lonelymoms' daughter. I think that you feel like you are letting your life pass you by, and the reason for this is because you married so young. Maybe you think that there is another life waiting for you out there, but for now you have small children that you have to set an example for. If your home is peaceful now, then keep it that way. One day you may feel like you have to find yourself, but I would wait until your children are older..(at least old enough to understand). My parents got divorced when I was 15,it didn't really effect me, but I know that my younger sisters(ages 11 and 5 at the time) didn't understand .Your children may understand you when you tell them that mommy doesn't want to stay with daddy anymore, but I will tell you from experience that the every other weekend deal is confussing to a child.
All I'm saying is that you chose to spend you life with this man, and you chose to be a mother....Don't just throw your family to the side because you feel like you are not happy. I think that you are so wrapped up in how you can get out that you haven't even took the time to try to work your problems out with your husband. If he is as great as you say then what is the problem? Alot of your unhappiness is caused by your affair. Stop compairing your husband to this other man and you will see that maybe he isn't all that bad.
This man you are having an affair with is only making your life worse. I'm sure he tells you that yall will be together one day......well...*newsflash* IT WILL NEVER HAPPEN......

Stay with your family..at least until you children are older....you are just confussed right now.....give it some time and I'm sure everything will work out.

sla...
I appreciate your response. It's good to hear from a child's perspective...not that you are still a child, but that you have the perspective of a child in a divorce situation. I also appreciate your outlook on the affair as being the source of the problem, however, in this circumstance it is not. I have no desire to leave and be with this man. He and I have not and choose not to ever make any arrangements like that. As I said, I simply have no desire to be married. Now or ever. And, I have not and do not currently compare my husband to the man I am involved in the affair with. They are two completely different people. I would not want one to be like the other.
I'm glad that you were able to give me the insight on what it is like for kids to go through this. My kids are not old enough to understand. There aren't 'problems' that my husband and I can work out. He hasn't done anything out of the ordinary to make me feel like leaving. I just don't want to end up 65 years old and completely dependant upon him because I chose to stay for the kids and lost the will to live my own life. This is what I battle with. Do I choose to live for me or for my kids? And, if I choose to live for my kids, will I ever have the desire to live for me again or will I destroy that in the process?

First of all let me say I know what you are going through but it didn't take me as long to feel "trapped". I met my husband in high school (16 years old). We were married and had a baby by the time I was 18. At that point, I "knew" the grass was greener on the other side, that nothing could be any worse that I was "missing" something or that I didn't do enough before putting myself in this situation. We divorced when I was 21. So there I was... single mom, great job, plenty of money, and I was going to "live" now because I wasn't tied to anything! WRONG!!!!! Yes, I went out with friends, did things that I thought I had missed out on but it was nothing like I thought it was going to be. Honestly, it was very lonely. I had no one to share my thoughts with, other than my daughter (try having a grown up discussion with a 3 year old) I do have a happy ending though... my husband and I got back together when I was 23. Another baby arrived at 26 and we are still going strong today. I gotta tell you I am so lucky to have had such a patient and understanding man! It sounds like your husband is like that too. If he would do anything to make you happy tell him what he needs to do. If there is one thing that I have learned it's that, no matter how bad we want them to be, men are not mindreaders! They will never "just do it" it has to be spelled out for them. (no offense to any men out there) Every man I know, wether it be my husband, my brother, my dad, my grandfather, or even male friends will readily admit that most of the time they have to be told to do something before they do it. Even things like taking out the trash or picking up a pair of shoes, things that should be obvious aren't. So imagine what your husband is going through not knowing what is going on with you and wondering what he can do to make things better. Marriage is also a compromise. You may need to give something to get something. Maybe what you need is a good babysitter (maybe grandma) so you and your husband can go out and do the things you enjoy together, take a weekend trip somewhere, have fun at the park, whatever, just do it! Have you maybe thought about whether or not your affair is clouding your judgement as far as the severity of the situation at home? I understand you not wanting to follow in your mom's footsteps too but maybe you are just so afraid that things will turn out that way for you that you just don't want to give your current situation another look. I agree that the decision you have to make is soley your own and I don't envy you at all but anything that has lasted this long is worth another try. If you are still not happy with the situation then you'll need to decide what steps to take next. Don't stay "for the children" because miserable parents make miserable kids. (I've been on that side too, my mom stayed because she had nowhere else to go) As far as having a "relationship" with your husband without the commitment, I think you are asking too much.. you can't have your cake and eat it too!! I hope you find the answers you are looking for, I wish you the best of luck with whatever you decide!

WOW!! I wish my first wife could have listen to some of you ladies!!
To Jeni: no offense taken..futher more I agree with you at least 80%..We (men)need a lot of guidence..we usually have our brains in a deferent gear than you gals. I believe thats what makes trelationships work.
Dear Quite,(first name basis at this point..Heh?)You are not the first one to ask these ?s..Your best advice may come from your mother!..Does she regret her decision?How would she react to a 2nd chance at her decision to stay for the kids sake?
While we are on that subject..I commend her for her sacrifice! As you should! She stayed for you!!! There is no such thing as "no where to go" especially for women..
As for your affair...I'm personaly glad to hear it. It prob. sounds terrible to some.. I believe you might have already left home if you had not started your "Tet-e-Tet" If your "boyfriend" is a real man, he would try to help you w/your decsion, helping you see all aspects of what you are thinking about doing..to be fair he don't need to talk you into leaving, your already (you know)..and I'm sure he cares for you..I would hope! So he would want you to be happy..The nice thing about the boyfriend is that you can be totaly honest w/him and hopefully, at least, get some honest feed back.
Now, Are you being selfish? YES..ist it bad????????? Who knows... Thiry years ago you would've been run out of town on a rail for how your thinking! Today is diferent..people don't seem to have the same standards...(The age of enlightenment I guess)
My first wife left me, after 10 yrs of marriage, for the same exact reasons your stating..we married early, she never got a chance to live etc. It took me twenty years to understand why she did what she did...I HATED her for about eighteen of those twenty.(So don't count on hubby being all that understanding if you walk out)
I let my second wife leave because I did not want my kids to think that what we had was what they had to look foward to. In a sense I advocated the devorce because I didn't contest it like she expected me to. Now I'm 48 and on my third marriage and I am happier than I thought I would ever have a right to be..So there you have it!...There is life after devorce...AT A PRICE...REMEMBER THAT!! ..THER WILL BE A PRICE! The amount of the bill depends on your makeup..concience,soul,empathy etc.
I MISS MY KIDS TERRIBLY! (They are about ten hours away in another state)Thats the worst part. Then there is the Failure part, that hits the macho in me. Then the money part, the wage garnishment part,the new husband being called daddy part,The constant wondering,etc. etc..THERE WIL BE PAYMENT FOR YOUR ACTIONS be very aware of that.
To start w/ not EVERYBODY will understand why you tore up a story book marriage,for any reason..Trust me you will be labled a selfish ***** and you better be prepaired for it!
Also, You had better be prepaired for a hell of a bitter battle if your hubby gets enough of your bullsh*t. When you hurt some one that close to you, they will strike back ten times as hard as they would if it were a stranger.
This may sound tuff but its all true and you beter be ready to handle it...Your own family may turn against you!! I'M DEAD SERIOUS it's happened...
one more thing, As you get a little older you start to appreciate a GOOD life and the little things you have accomplished, and you look back and laugh at being so impetuous at times...( when you learn to love slower you will learn to live slower)I dont know if its good or bad, but, it does help you get over the anguish of not having done every thing w/ your life that you wanted to.
I dont know if I'm helping, But, it sure is nice to try....Thanks

where you at girl? You must be writing from your work computer....or you just tired of talking?

terdad..you caught me. I log on from work...only during breaks, of course(wink, wink). I am glad that you have taken me on as a 'project' of sorts. I guess I have sort of decided to stay. I don't really like being married, but I understand what Jeni was trying to say about being lonely (no one to share your thoughts and feelings with). I do enjoy the simpler things I share with hubby. However, I do long for the coastal life. That's what I have always wanted. I just didn't realize that I wanted it until about 4 years ago. I should have left then. Life was at that '5 year' stage then when you have to gather up the pieces and put everything back together(I've noticed that most married people go through that about every 5 years). I didn't do it then, for a multitude of reasons, and I haven't been really happy since. At any rate, now my kids are a little older and they tend to voice their opinions about my decisions. This, I suppose, is a good thing. Shows that they aren't going to let people walk all over them or whatever, but it also keeps me from doing what is in my heart. Will hubby ever know what was truly in my heart? I don't know. Doesn't seem much good to mention it since I've decided to stay. If I had the chance to tell him without making him upset, maybe I would, but right now it would only upset him. Hard enough to live with a man when he's happy. I don't even want to try living with one when he's upset! I guess I will just leave well enough alone. But, even as I type all of this and make the statement that I plan to stay....I feel like crying. This is what upsets my boyfriend. Seems he is always the one I turn to when I've made myself more misserable. Once again, I have not done what I truly want for me. I have put their feelings before my own. Will I be any happier than this in 6 months or 5 years? I don't know. For right now, I've decided to do what is "right" and lost a little bit of myself in the process. Some will say that it is not truly lost, only placed to the side for another time when I can welcome it back into my heart....but to me, it seems that it is gone. Right now, it seems as though hubby is the ONLY person I am hiding my heart from. In all of this, I still don't know that anyone really knows what it is that I am searching for. Do you know? Jeni thinks that I want to go out and party and tear up the town, sla thinks I want to run away with my boyfriend, JLK thinks I just need some time alone, but then there's you, terdad. You are the only one who seems to think along the same line as I do. You've hit the nail on the head with so much of this. The desire to be spontaneous, the affair, and the 'look at your mom's life and ask if she made the right decision'. Problem is, did my mom make the right decision? For her, she most likely did. She never has been good on her own. She needs my dad. She doesn't make friends easily and she is afraid to let go and experience things on her own. She would have made her children her only reason for living and when we were gone, she would have been a lot worse off than she is now. But I've spent time with her. Time my dad should have spent with her so that he could know the real person inside of her. She has dreams. And she still, to this day, feels trapped in this marriage. She won't speak out about what she truly wants and as a result is depressed more often than not. I'm not sure that she can even admit to herself what she wants out of life because she has tried to make everyone around her happy for her entire life. Does she have any idea what would make her happy? Could she enjoy any happiness she might ever find without wondering if she had upset someone else in her efforts to achieve true happiness? I don't think she could. So, you are probably right. I do know the answer to my question just by looking at my mother's decision. Question now would be, why don't I make that decision? Why is it that I follow her footsteps and do what my kids want me to do? Why am I going to purchase a piece of land that I do not want, already knowing that every day I have to come home I am going to loathe the drive down that road going home? I am going to do it all because of what hubby and the kids want. And, I hate myself for not grabbing onto even the smallest piece of happiness for fear that one of them would be unhappy. Tell me this, terdad, did you ever think that you would be happier if you had never married any of your three wives? I guess I'm not much like any of the other women out there. I would much rather enjoy my life on my terms. I would rather have a boyfriend here and there, maybe one would end up kind of permanent, but I would rather do that than to have someone own half of me. I don't want to have to think about someone else when I'm making the decision to skip dinner one night. If I don't want to do my laundry, I don't want to have someone else complaining that it isn't done. I don't like having to think things to death before I do them. I'm tired of caring whether or not my decision will make this person or that person happy or mad. But I guess I don't have the guts to make my way in life. I don't want to care what others think, but I can't stop myself from doing just that. I do care and it's killing me. In a perfect world, I would leave tomorrow and not look back. As it is, I will sign to purchase that land, tuck the kids in, kiss hubby goodnight and lie awake for the better part of the evening wondering when my turn comes. Does my turn come in the end, terdad? Is my reward for being the 'good mom' coming when they are grown? I wish you could really answer that for me.