Biological mom won't pay and causes trouble

My husband and I have been together for almost 5 years now. He has custody of his three children and has since the day their mom left them (5 1/2 yrs ago). She gave up physical custody of them willingly. At that time my husband agreed not to request child support from her, since she was giving up custody. She was allowed to visitation 2 nights a week from 4-8 and every other weekend.

She was also ordered to pay 1/2 of the medical, dental and child care bills. To this day, she has paid nothing. She takes them to the doctor on her time and then we get the bill. We have tried scaring her, but nothing helps.

On top of this, she is a compulsive liar and has been living with a man who is abusive to her since before she left my husband. He is a drug dealer and abusive. They live in filth. We have tried to call family services, but they say that without proof, there is nothing that they can do.

She tries everything she can to make us look bad to their teachers, friends parents and coaches.

She is now driving a new car and taking them places every other weekend, while we are struggling to buy groceries and buy school clothes. Her visitation during the week is very disruptive for us and the kids, because by the time she gets them home, I have to feed them (she doesn't) do homework and bathe them (because they smell of filth).

We would like to take her back to court to see about changing the visitation a little and requesting child support, but we don't have enough money for a retainer for our attorney (but we make too much to qualify for legal aid). My husband is also nervous that the judge might give her custody of the children, wondering why they are not with their mother, or feeling that he is not good enough, if he can not support them without her funds.

I also work full time and have a son of my own. I have gladly paid for my step-childrens needs since the day I moved in, but it is frustrating that I am wearing shoes to work with holes in them so that I can give them things, and their so called mother is driving a new car and taking them to amusement parks.

What can we do? We are stuck in a spot.

[LegalBeagle]

What COURT ORDERS are currently in place ?

Currently, the court orders are for her to pay 1/2 of the medical and dental and child care bills. No child support was ordered, since my husband did not request it.

The court orders give her visitation 2 nights a week from 4 to 8 and every other weekend.

We were not that upset until the children started being in an unhealthy atmosphere, she refused to pay even a small amount and still tries to cause problems for us and refuses to let the children speak to my husband and I on her so called time.

Currently, the court orders are for her to pay 1/2 of the medical and dental and child care bills. No child support was ordered, since my husband did not request it.

The court orders give her visitation 2 nights a week from 4 to 8 and every other weekend.

We were not that upset until the children started being in an unhealthy atmosphere, she refused to pay even a small amount and still tries to cause problems for us and refuses to let the children speak to my husband and I on her so called time.

[LegalBeagle]

Ok, I will rephase.. Is the Custody arrangement Court Ordered ?

I am sorry. I misunderstood. yes it is court ordered.

I am sorry. I misunderstood. yes it is court ordered.

Hi, Stepmom! Unfortunately, I am in a situation very similar to yours. If you would like to chat sometime, you can email me at Pivy108@aol.com.

Hi step mom. I'm in FL. My husband and I too are in a similar situation. His ex of ten years ago gave custody of all three of her children to their dads because she needed "space" (or in reality...time to run around and booze it up with the new boyfriend). Two and 1/2 years later, we still have to struggle to get her to see their son (my step son) and she rarely sees her daughters who live with her other, most recent ex. It is so hard for the kids because up until 3 years ago, mom was there for them.

My husband has sole legal/physical custody/she has reasonable visitation/and he didn't ask for child support because she can hardly take care of herself. It is hard enough to get her to visit her son at all without being in jail for non payment of support.

Her other ex (not my husband...has custody of their two kids) recently took her back to court, by way of a petition for modification of the custody arrangement, to get child support(did this himself...had forms typed up at a typing service). The judge didn't ask why the children weren't living with mom...he allowed the child support to be imposed and when mom asked if she could get the girls back to live with her, the judge told her something to the effect of she must peition the court and prove a substantial change in circumstances for the change to be made. A change in circumstances (according to that judge) was NOT mom deciding after being sued for support that she wanted the children back. She must prove a big change in her ex's household...not some change for the better in her's.

Soapbox:

I have been visiting this board since I needed help with something in April. I have seen and gotten some very valuable advice. I wanted to comment on a response made by another poster from a couple weeks ago.

Most step moms that I know aren't meddling jerks who just want to prove to the ex that they are "better" moms, nor do we run interference for men who don't have "b##ls" enough to stick up for them selves. Well at least not in my case.

I truly love my step son and I want him to have a good relationship with his mom. She is not MY ex, so any problems they have can be taken care of by my husband...not my fight to fight. I don't agree with everything she does by a long shot, but my job here is to take care of the child, not drag her down. That's not to say that when she doesn't "do right" by her son, it doesn't infuriate me...it does...I am the one he cries to and leans on in her absence. You must be careful about generalizations, not all step mom's are "wicked".

Sorry, last post was long, but I still forgot to mention something. That "change in circumstances" thing goes both ways. My understanding is that your husband would have to prove that the problems with this current visitation schedule or conditions are considerable enough to change the current order.

[LegalBeagle]

The chances of him losing custody are slim to nil. What you need to do is get some proof on what you have stated and then get a retainer for an attorney.

Go back to court with the proof and change the visitation. You could even deny visitation to her home or in the presence of her b/f. Petition also for CS as any verbal agreement about not paying CS is worthless.

That is part of the problem (coming up with the money for a retainer). I can barely afford groceries and gas right now. I am too busy paying for the childrens bills and needs (which their mom does not contribute to) to even think about extra money. If I can not afford groceries, there is very little chance that I will be able to come up with the money for a retainer of $2000 (which is what our attorney has requested). I can not even think about another loan at a bank. I could not afford the payments. We do not have or believe in using credit cards. My husband and I keep working more and more, trying to get ahead and save up some money, but something always happens to push us behind. First the transmission went out on our van, then 3 months later, the furnace in our home was condemned, the central air broke and the water heater went kaput. I was hoping that I would be able to receive some advice on how to handle this myself (or at least part of it) or find some assistance somewhere. Thanks anyway.

[LegalBeagle]

In that case go here..
[url="http://www.dss.state.mo.us/cse/cse.htm"]http://www.dss.state.mo.us/cse/cse.htm[/url]

I just found the DSS web site yesterday and have called them for an application for services. thanks for the assistance, and hopefully, we will be able to get something done. Wish us luck.