custody nightmare

[goingbroke]

LONG MESSAGE AHEAD: PLEASE READ: I would be grateful for any advice or comments on the following: I have a young child and I was never married to her father. Paternity was established at birth as we did live together. Five years ago we broke up and have "shared" custody of our child without any court orders, etc. I was definietly the primary caregiver. This was in Alaska. I moved out of state (to Wisconsin) this year. I told her father I was moving to Wisconsin. I also told him that I would send her to visit at Christmas, Spring Break and Summer at shared expense. He said he didnt want me too but I did it anyway. While I was enroute, he filed an emergency court order, filled with outright lies and requested the court NOT to notfiy me as he didnt know where I went. He claims I vanished with our child and he was the primary caregiver. He WON that order and was granted full custody. He called me (he really knew where I was so he could) and told me he was coming to get our daughter. I called the courthouse (THANK GOD) and asked if any papers had been filed. I was informed that they had been and he had custody and that a hearing was set in less than two weeks. I had to hustle butt, cash in my retirment to obtain legal representation (I qualified for free legal help but due to time restraints couldnt obtain a lawyer fast enough through that program) get a ticket to AK ($1,800 due to no time for advance purchase fares) and appear in court. My reqesut for telephonic appearance was denied. He did come and get my daughter from school and brought her back to AK TWO days before the court hearing and enrolled her in school up there! Total traumatic event for her. In court, the father screwed up huge because he couldnt remember his lies, etc. Of course, I "won" and had to pay for my daughter's ticket back home. Another $900 bucks. I also am ordered to pay for her visits during the "interim" order 4 times a year. I want to sue him in small claims court to recoup my financial losses and for the EXTREME STRESS involved based on the fact that he intentionally lied under oath and manipulated the court system. I don't know if I can. Any ADVICE would be Graciously and Thankfully accepted.

 

[usmcfamily]

Unfortunately, from your post, it sounds like when you first split there was never an established order for custody - and I can tell from your post you have probably realized the folly of that - but since we can't go back and change that lets see what we can do....
Technically, as there was no order you both had equal rights to custody of this child - sorry, but true. Your moving against his wishes gave him no choice but to petition the courts to try to protect his rights to parent the child - not that his method was 100% honest but I can't say that there aren't other's among us who would have done the same thing. The thing you have to realize is that being the mother does not give you the right to negate the wishes he has in regards to this child simply because they don't agree with what you want to do with your life....it is hard for me to understand why you thought it would be best for this child to be separated from her father who had until then played such a part in her life.....what were your reasons for the move? I know you don't want to hear this, but as a mother we often have to sacrifice what we want (ie your moving away) for the best for our children - and if they had been so close up to this time taking her away from that doesn't sound "best".
Anyway, off my soapbox and down to the ?'s...suing him ...what would that accomplish? Other than to vindicate your bitterness at the things that have happened I don't see that that would do anything at all - and as to helping to maintain/cultivate a relationship with her father I don't see that another court battle and therefor MORE bitter feelings would help at all!...Your chances of recovering anything financial are so minimal (if at all existent) that you should just worry about moving on and making the best possible of this situation for ALL of you. You are forever tied to this man through this wonderful little girl - why make it harder than it has to be.....?

 

[goingbroke]

Thank you for your reply. My reasons for moving were to find a job and affordable housing. Alaska isn't neccessarily an easy place to survive unless you are in the construction field or a government worker or a fisherman. Also, all of my and most of his extended family are down here. There are also some other personal issues regarding my daughter's safety as she was victimized by her half brother in the home. When I stated we "shared" custody I meant that I worked with him to try to maintain a relationship with her father for her sake. His visitation was limited and he continued to disobey the juvenile probation order that was intended to protect my daughter. His reason for not wanting her to go was that his other kids were almost grown and he would be lonely. His female children play surrogate spouse to him. He gets his emotional needs by his daughters and the older daughter is nearly 17 and breaking away from his emotional control. I didn't just up and decide to move for the fun of it one day. My lease was up and providing a home and having a job are basic needs that I could not afford in Alaska. I feel these are not selfish reasons. As far as the small claims court issue. I believe there should be some type of consequence for lying under oath. He could have filed for custody the "normal" way but knew he would lose. In court, the judge referred to his initial affidavit and wasn't impressed with his dis-honesty as he couldn't remember what he lied about etc. and busted himself bigtime. And he had the "best" lawyer in the area. Okay, hopefully cleared that stuff up.