don't know what to do, or where to go

[scared and alone]

I don't really know where to start,so I guess I'll just tell you what comes to mind? I live in Oklahoma with my boyfriend. We moved here 7 years ago from Seattle, WA(my family is in WA and his is here in OK), we've been together for 11 years. We had a daughter in May of 99. Things were(or seemed to be) okay in Wa., His parents talked us into moving here temporarily(it was only supposed to be for six months), but it wasn't temporary. We didn't have the money to move back. He became abusive (to me, not my daughter)and controlling when I got put on bed rest when I was pregnant, because I had to quit my job. I think maybe that he only liked me when I had a steady paycheck. I became a prisoner in my own home. No car, no money, no friends, no family. After giving birth, I stayed at home(he sabotaged all attemts to get a job)with my daughter until recently. Now I am working a night shift(I can't afford daycare)so that I can care for my daughter during the day. He watches her from 5p-10p(unless theres a problem in which case he wakes me) so that I can sleep, and then he keeps her at home while I work(but always with the threat that if I don't do what he wants he won't let me sleep or he won't keep her while I work) He told me when I took this job,"Don't think that just because you work at night that you can lay around all day." My daughter is 15 months old, I don't have time to lay around. Recently his truck quit running, he was self employed in the construction field, so he is now not working. He sits and plays video games all day while I take care of our daughter, even though I am tired and would love to sleep a little more than 4 to 5 hours. Don't get me wrong I love my daughter, and would do anything for her. I just wish he would help. He won't. I thought that by working I could finally become independent, but he takes my checks(with threats) I've stayed because I'm scared and I have nothing, and he has threatened to take my daughter if I leave. One person told me to go to a shelter and leave everything, but my daughter and my possesions are all I have. I don't want to leave everything behind. Please understand. I want to go home, to WA., to be with my family, but from what I've read, if I take my daughter and move to WA., the courts will make us come back, and put me in jail? He would never consent to my leaving and even if he did, the first visit he had with my daughter, he would take her and no one would ever find him.(no they wouldn't find him, trust me on this) So now he mentally abuses me daily(sometimes physical) He has broken me down to what he wants me to be and I walk on egg shells daily. I don't want my daughter to see her daddy treat me this way. He doesn't care. I feel trapped. I am so depressed, I know you'll probably just say why don't you just leave, but I don't know how to, he has controlled me for so long. Please help me. I don't know where to start, to get away. I can't lose my daughter, it would kill me, she's all I have. thankyou. I'm sorry for going on and on. Does any of this make sense? Please help me.

 

[Always searching]

This is definately a plea for help. I don't believe that any of the resident lawyers have a specific answer to your question. Therefore, I will answer. First things first. If you go to a shelter, you take your daughter with you. Your desire is to go back and be with mom right? You have determined that this is not the life for you. The problem is getting there and then overcoming the fear of your boyfriend taking your child. I would find the money if it were me, go to Washington, and don't go to your parent's house, go to a women's shelter. First thing they will do for you is to supply you with a restraining order. Then file for divorce. In the meantime, you will be establishing a resident status in Washington and qualify for legal aid. You can go to womens abuse web sites for more specific advice. Boyfriend will have to pay child support and more than likely get visitation (supervised if you can prove that he is abusive to the baby). If he disappears with your child, he will regret the day that happens. When they find him, he won't see the light of day except through bars. Common sense speaking, how great a lawyer could he get if he is an unemployed construction worker with a broken truck? I would pack what I just couldn't live without and go to the store and drive to Washington. You can get any information about specific women's shelters on the web. There is a lot of information there. You found this site, there is hope you can find out the information you need specifically.

 

[scared and alone]

Dear Always Searching, Thankyou for your kindness in answering my plea for help. I hope you don't mind if I ask a couple more questions, based on your reply. Do I have to file for divorce if we were never married, but lived together for eleven years? He has never been abusive to the baby. Is that the only way the visits would be supervised? Would that change if I could prove drug abuse on his part? About his getting a lawyer; He and his mother, unfortunately for me, are two of a kind. She has the money for a lawyer(family lawyer) She is the one who told him to take my daughter if I leave, so that "they could be a family again" without me. I won't be arrested for leaving the state without telling him? or without consent? Or have my daughter taken from me because I took her from her father? He won't let me get away if I tell him I'm going. Thankyou again for your kindness.

 

[I AM ALWAYS LIABLE]

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by scared and alone:
Dear Always Searching, Thankyou for your kindness in answering my plea for help. I hope you don't mind if I ask a couple more questions, based on your reply. Do I have to file for divorce if we were never married, but lived together for eleven years? He has never been abusive to the baby. Is that the only way the visits would be supervised? Would that change if I could prove drug abuse on his part? About his getting a lawyer; He and his mother, unfortunately for me, are two of a kind. She has the money for a lawyer(family lawyer) She is the one who told him to take my daughter if I leave, so that "they could be a family again" without me. I won't be arrested for leaving the state without telling him? or without consent? Or have my daughter taken from me because I took her from her father? He won't let me get away if I tell him I'm going. Thankyou again for your kindness. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

My response:

Get out now! Take the child, get to a payphone, call a cab, and get out!
Get to a shelter for battered and abused women. They see this all the time and they will take care of you and the baby. Stop asking questions. Go now, and perhaps the people at the shelter can either donate bus fare to you, or help you pay for a ticket. Just get out!

IAAL



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[Always searching]

I am with IAAL. Get out. If you go to a women's shelter, they could get you into another shelter. My daughter went to one and they were helpful. The legalities can be worked out later. I don't know if your state is a common law state and if you have to get a divorce. The longer you stay, the worse things are going to get. Your thinking gets clearer when you get farther away too. The reason that I suggested that you get out and take a bus or whatever to the state you need to be in, is because it could be a couple of weeks before one shelter could transfer you. Remember to keep your plans to yourself and don't tell anyone. You don't want to tip your hand. By all means, if you can't get the money or the resourses together, go to a women's shelter in your town.

Don't let your boyfriend bully you into believing that if you take your child out of state that it would be kidnapping. The United States is still free and the only time that it is considered kidnapping is if after there is a court order in place, ie. after the divorce and custody is established. Then if the orders say you have to have permission to move or take the child without the court or your boyfriend knowing where you will be located. That all happens after you go to court. Another thing is never, and I mean never let him have the child until that order is in place, no matter how nice he is. He could keep your daughter and then it would be you instead of him fighting for visistaiton or custody.

When you get to the women's shelter, they will guide you in the legalities of everything. You don't have to be afraid. Take all of your important papers with you, birth certificates and proof of his drug abuse. Could you trust your family to help you get out without telling anyone? If not, don't say anything. Make a plan but don't tell anyone.

Call the National Domestic Violence hotline when you get to work or something...1-800-799-7233. You will get information and help from them. If you need any more information, I will be around the boards. I think you should get out quickly too. You will be okay, just be careful.

 

[paula2]

IAAL and Always Searching have given you wonderful advice. You are being sleep deprived as a means to control you. Who can think when they have had no sleep. He's beaten down your self estem. You can do this. Your life and your daughter will be all the better for it. Leave, LEAVE, immediatly. I don't know what your religious beliefs are, but I will pray that God will give you the strength you need and may his outreached hands guide and protect you and your daughter.

Once you are in the shelter, there is nothing he can do. This will even give you an edge to prove abuse and hopefully help you to prove he should only have supervised visits. They will finanically take care of you while you are there and more than likely give you legal aid to take care of all these matters. There you will be safe. PLEASE, leave, my heart is breaking for you.

Dear Lord, I pray that the holy spirit will asend down on this woman and her child and comfort them. I pray that the fog be lifted so her mind is clear. That your arms will embrace and protect them. Dear Lord lend her your strength, wisdom, guidance and COURAGE to do the right thing. Open the doors to direct her down the right path. In Jesus name we pray. Amen.

Sweetie I pray for the best for the 2 of you. You will be in my prays.

May the Blood of Jesus protect you.

God Bless

Paula