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  1. #1
    quietlyhurting Guest

    Unhappy

    My boyfriend of 2 1/2 years recently broke up with me. Our relationship was a good one... Shortly after I discovered I was pregnant. I have decided to have the baby, but the father says he wants nothing to do with the child. He is not accepting any responsibility. He has become rather heartless about the whole situation. Are there any laws that say he must "man up to this" and support the child? I live in Pennsylvania.
  2. #2
    LegalBeagle is offline Senior Member
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    [QUOTE][i]Originally posted by quietlyhurting [/i]
    [B]My boyfriend of 2 1/2 years recently broke up with me. Our relationship was a good one... Shortly after I discovered I was pregnant. I have decided to have the baby, but the father says he wants nothing to do with the child. He is not accepting any responsibility. He has become rather heartless about the whole situation. Are there any laws that say he must "man up to this" and support the child? I live in Pennsylvania. [/B][/QUOTE]

    There are no laws to force him to be a father.. but there are plenty to force him pay Child Support and support the child for the next 18 years.
  3. #3
    D. D. Lessenberry Guest
    In Pennsylvania, it's either Domestic Relations if you're in the boonies or Orphans Court in the big bad city that handles CS.

    You must file petition for CS. He will possibly deny, and then a DNA test may be ordered. If it is positive (I'm not accusing you of running around!!!!), he'll even have to pay for that.

    You cannot, however, make him be a father.

    I am not a lawyer, simply an ol' cowhand from east of the Rio Grande.

    Good luck.
  4. #4
    janna Guest

    think this through real seriously

    Dear Hurting,
    This may seem blunt, it is not meant to be hurtful, just hope you will truly consider your options.
    Please read through this website and others about the nightmare that could become you and your child's next 20 years. How old are you? Why do you want to force him to "man up"? He may or may not be a jerk, but it is clear he is not ready to be a father. If you are determined to have this baby, are you able to care for it completely on your own, without going on social services, and/or forcing him to support a child he does not want for the next 18 years?
    I am of the opinion that no woman in this day and age should have the legal right to force anyone else to finance her choice. Yet, it is done all the time, and women seem to feel they are "entitled". Yes, you can make him pay and pay and pay some more, you can even essentially ruin his life, but in the long term scheme of things, is that how you want to spend your life, and raise your child that way? If you are not willing and able to completely raise this child on your own, then please think long and hard about your current choices. Read all the posts on these pages. Try to be mature and think ahead 10 years from now, what you, the child's life is going to be. If you can't support your choice yourself, then it's the wrong choice, in my opinion.
    Good luck.
  5. #5
    ursula Guest
    Janna- excuse me but since when did this become soley her choice. I guess you think she must have tore the rubber off and raped him. The fact is that THEY made a baby together.
    it is there job to support that child. are you suggesting she kill her baby to make his life easier? If he's not ready to be a father, he didnt have to be. the choice WAS his to make and he made it when he decided to not keep it in his pants.
    I would like to add that this woman didnt ask for advice on wether or not she should keep her baby. She posted, quite clearly,that she had already made her choice. All she was asking for was advice on how to get CS.

    [Edited by ursula on 12-07-2000 at 09:51 AM]
  6. #6
    TweetyBird Guest
    Dear Hurting,

    My daughter was in the same situation, when she found out she was pregnant, he left. She was 18 at the time.

    She weighted out her options, and chose to have this baby, a girl, her lil' darling, as she so calles her, my grand-daughtr.

    From day 1, after finding out she was pregnant (she was 2 months), he left, she moved back home, saved her money (continued to work, til the day before child was born), bought the essentials, etc. Had her baby, Easter Sunday 1998, paid her hospital bill, and has done the best she could with what was/is available. She chose not to go the Welfare route, she has done this all on her own, and does not regret it. I, for one am very proud of her, and my grand-daughter wants for nothing, her mother makes sure she has all she needs. She still works to support her and her daughter.

    Like she (my daughter) has said, she doesn't want his money, or anything else he has to offer if he doesn't want to be a part of her (his childs) life. She can and will do it on her own, and then when the day comes that the child asks who her father is, she can take her to him and he can answer her. He has never asked or seen his daughter.

    You can do it if you put your mind to it, and if you want this baby as much as you have stated, then YOU can do it, without his help. Let him answer at a later date.

    Good Luck to you!
  7. #7
    LegalBeagle is offline Senior Member
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    Re: think this through real seriously

    [QUOTE][i]Originally posted by janna [/i]
    [B]Dear Hurting,
    This may seem blunt, it is not meant to be hurtful, just hope you will truly consider your options.
    Please read through this website and others about the nightmare that could become you and your child's next 20 years. How old are you? Why do you want to force him to "man up"? He may or may not be a jerk, but it is clear he is not ready to be a father. If you are determined to have this baby, are you able to care for it completely on your own, without going on social services, and/or forcing him to support a child he does not want for the next 18 years?
    I am of the opinion that no woman in this day and age should have the legal right to force anyone else to finance her choice. Yet, it is done all the time, and women seem to feel they are "entitled". Yes, you can make him pay and pay and pay some more, you can even essentially ruin his life, but in the long term scheme of things, is that how you want to spend your life, and raise your child that way? If you are not willing and able to completely raise this child on your own, then please think long and hard about your current choices. Read all the posts on these pages. Try to be mature and think ahead 10 years from now, what you, the child's life is going to be. If you can't support your choice yourself, then it's the wrong choice, in my opinion.
    Good luck.
    [/B][/QUOTE]

    Amazing post.. so you are saying to give the father a break and not force him to pay.. that it is wrong to force him to pay for the next 18 years because he may not want anything to do the child. That in doing so could 'ruin' the fathers life.. So, instead she should do what ?? kill the baby ? adopt it ?? assuming this poster is in her twenties, why do you think she should consider those options? and if not, they why should the father be able to walk away scott free ?


  8. #8
    billyjean Guest
    I would like to say, and I have posted on this subject before, no woman should force a man to be a father, however, after reading it several times since then, I did not make myself clear....Firstly, did you resort to any kind of trickery to become pregnant? Did you manipulate the situation in order to get pregnant? Did you do this in hopes of keeping this man? Secondly, If you did, then you do need to think long and hard about your decisions and choices. Thirdly, If you did not resort to trickery and this child was conceived in love (at least for you), then, you have every right to pursue child support from the father. In my opinion this should be done for the child. He may not want to be a father, and you can't force him, but you can do what has to be done for your child. You have every right to recieve child support, and TO HELL WITH MAKING HIS LIFE EASIER. I'm sure he's heard of condoms, and vasectomies. I don't believe a woman has the right to force a man to be a father, but, if you were in a relationship and he suddenly broke it off, I have to wonder if he has another agenda and doesn't want you to screw it up. Did he ever say to you that he didn't want children, before you got pregnant? If so, did he make an effort to ensure he didn't get you pregnant? and, Did you? It takes two. Answer these questions honestly. If you did trick him in some way, then, take the responsibility and raise your child. If you did not and he never told you that he didn't want children, you do what has to be done NOW! Start the process now, seek assistance from the courts to ensure that paternity is established as soon as is reasonably possible. Seek child support as soon as the child is born and insurance if possible. The courts will order him to pay, but it can become difficult, and he could pull stunts to get out of it, meaning you may have to drag him to court over and over again. Reading other posts can tell you how hard it can be. I hope this works out for you. Being honest with yourself will be the hardest part. After that, it's simply taking the responsibility to do what's right for you child. Good LUCK!
    In the hope of not soliciting a personal attack, I would like to add, these are my opinions. Also, if every precaution was taken and you still became pregnant, (and it does happen), then, take the time to think through your choices. It is your choice, not mine or anyone elses posting on these boards.

    [Edited by billyjean on 12-07-2000 at 09:23 AM]
  9. #9
    quietlyhurting Guest

    reply to posts

    To all of you who have offered advice I thank you. I suppose I should tell you more information as many of you have asked. We were using protection and absenence methods of birthcontrol. I became pregnant on a day when we thought we were safe to make love, we did use a condom, but it broke. I should also explain that I can not take birth control pills because of high incidence of cancer in my family and did not want to risk cancer. I did not want to become pregnant. I did not intend to trap the father in a relationship just to keep him close by using the baby as a bargaining tool. He and I both decided we did not want children and were taking precautionary methods to not become pregnant.
    I don't want his money. I just wanted him to be a father to his child. Right now he doesn't even see it as a baby just a "THING" that is inconviencing him. I thought the child was concieved in love... I guess I just have to face the fact that he'd be unfit because he said he'd never Love the child. In reply to Janna... I am not going to rid myself of the "problem" I didn't want the child. But it's a child not just a thing to throw away. Now that I've had an opportunity to think... I have to say that I am going to keep the child because it is what I feel is right, it may not be convienient. What in life is? I thank you all for your advice.


    [Edited by quietlyhurting on 12-07-2000 at 04:21 PM]
  10. #10
    usmcfamily is offline Senior Member
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    Dear hurting~~
    I just thought perhaps you could use a kind word after having read some of the other replies you have gotten....take it from someone who has walked in your shoes, it is not easy, but it is most definately worth it! I hadn't planned on being a mother either but it happened and I wouldn't trade it for the world.
    If you would like to talk, need a shoulder to cry on or just want to vent please feel free to write -- macswench@hotmail.com**************I know from experience that the questions/problems you have now are not merely legal and so would love to help you with the "others" if you need....
    Good luck and God Bless
  11. #11
    LadyBlu Guest
    It never ceases to amaze me that when an unwed girl gets pregnant that we still (well some) have the *Dark Ages* attitude that the girl tricked the guy, she wanted to keep him, she just wanted his money..
    Hell I can think of alot of ways to get rich quicker then having a child.

    Why is it everybody is so quick to judge a woman if she gets pregnant without marriage? Where is the fathers responsibility in this? Have you people not ever heard of abstinence? If he really did not want to be a father he had a choice.. Keep it in his pants. There are other ways of having sex that doesnt involve actual penetration.. he had that choice.. he also had the choice of getting a vasectomy if he didnt want kids.

    It takes two to tango.. No one can ever say that the *poor father* didnt have a choice when it comes to having children, he did.. keep it in his pants..
  12. #12
    billyjean Guest
    I hope that no one felt I was implying that she had tricked the father. It does happen and has nothing to do with the dark ages, it has to do with some men and women not having good character. I did not mean to infer that she had done this, I asked the unkind questions, I know, but honest questions just the same, but it doesn't make me popular. I tried to point out several things. My wording these days seems to be off.
    She said in her last post that she had not wanted to have children either. Has being pregnant changed those feelings? It's hard to be a good parent when you view your child as a burden. I AM NOT saying that she will view her child this way, but perhaps counseling could assist her with these feelings. Never wanting children and then suddenly finding you will have one, like it or not, is a big adjustment. Personally, I fell in love with my daughter, 6 wks into the pregnancy, at the first untrasound. Watching her little heart beat overwhelmed me.
    I hope everything works out for both her and her child. I am happy that she does not view this child as a thing to be thrown away. Quietlyhurting, whatever decision you make, it's your decision. Once made, stand by it. In this particular situation I feel you should pursue child support, and once again, TO HELL WITH MAKING HIS LIFE EASIER.
  13. #13
    janna Guest

    excerpts from cs board, is this any way to raise a child?

    Dear hurting,
    A rather direct and ineloquent look at the future.
    Also, I never said you should have an abortion, or even give the baby up for adoption, just hope you will think about this stuff seriously. I do think children should have the right to be born to people, single or married, who can financially support their child without welfare, without spending 18 years of waging war with an unwilling bioparent. I can just about guarantee that this ex-boyfriend of yours will respond in a similar manner as the situation below.
    After the first few months of cuteness, it seems to always boil down to money and "rights"....and it's the child who gets jerked around the hardest, back and forth from house to house, various stepmoms and stepdads, being possibly required to living within a certain amount of mileage of other parent, being mind manipulated by all....Sounds like a wonderful life for a kid. Best interests of the child? Hardly!

    From teen-in-need
    O.K. last year in Oct. i found out i was pregnant with my boyfriends child. I told him the news and he told me he loved me and he wanted to be with me and be there for me and the baby, he told my mother the same thing. We went to tell his parents and when we did they yelled at me saying they had plans for him and i wouldnt be able to take care of the child and finish school, they basically blamed it on me. He took me home and went back to his house and talked to them. I saw him later that night and he told me to have an abortion, when i refused he said he didnt want to be with me anyway. 9 mos later.....we didnt really talk during my pregnancy when we did we'd argue because i was crushed and(according to him i couldnt just get over the fact that he left me)i would cry and be hurt. so anyway the month im supposed to have my baby he does not even try to call to be there to see her born or to visit. I hear from him about a month later and he wants to see her so i let him. ive asked for $ to support the baby and he said he will only give me a check or $ order so he can (qoute) "protect his ass" so im saying if he wants documentation of child support then he can just take me to court, if not he just guves me cash. Well he haschosen (actually all these decisions are made by his parents he is there puppet to act them out) so he and his parents have chosen to take me to court and i just wanted to know if ill need a lawyer to represent me.

    Alright, I am an unwed teen mother, I'm 17 and I need help. My ex boyfriend is preparing to take me to court for
    visatation and certification of paternity. Do i need a lawyer for this, or consult one for advice? I really can't afford a lawyer due to the fact I can't get a job because I'm always at home taking care of my daughter because I have no one else. He is 18 and still in school and he consulted a lawyer and told me the lawyer told him that if he gets a "NICE" judge that he wont hae to pay full child support till he's done with college is this true?I need to know my rights.

    a reply:
    from experience....
    If all he is petitioning for is for paternity testing and visitation what is your objection?? There is no reason you should object to the testing - if you are sure he is the fahter you stand to lose nothing but a little swab from your cheek and stand to gain court ordered child support. As to the visitation - regardless of your feelings about him(I know they can get rather bitter at times) he is still the father of your child and as such has a right to a relationship with her. It is in everyone's best interest to have a set schedule for visitations - he is guaranteed specific times with the child and you are able to schedule/plan your life around pre-planned times you know he has her for a visit .... believe it or not this does make your life easier. In addition it gives you the legal right to deny him access should he seek it at a time not addressed in the order - this helps with those "surprises" that always seem to spring up when you already have plans made -- all you have to do is remind him that this doens't fit the ordered visitation and thereis nothing he can do about it.
    Be glad all he is asking for is visitation - are you aware that as the bio-father he has just as much right as you do to actual custody of your daughter? That is why I am shocked you seem to be so set against what little he is petitioning for. I know how hard it can be at times like this to look beyond our own feelings, but as a mother that is your job now.You need to do all you can to provide this little girl with an opportunity to know her father - that is her right and right now she is too small to do anything about it so you, as the mommy, do it for her.
    As to the amount of support ordered - the amount will be based on the income information of both of you -- so he won't be required to pay as much now as he would had he already finished college and obtained a career -- BUT --when that does happen you will petition for a modification of the amount and it will be reviewed for a possible increase. I would suggest you contact your local legal aid office - they can provide excellent advice and also refer you to attorneys who are willing to work with you financially so don't let $$$ keep you from protecting your rights.
    From personal experience I can tell you I filed/pursued my own custody/visitation/child support case with no attorney and we came out fine (was much easier than I had imagined)...but as he has already consulted someone it would be best for you to also have professional advice.You have stated that he is "preparing" to take you to court -- has he filed anything? *you would know as you would have been served with copies*....if not you could file first with your own petition for you to have custody and with a proposal for a visitation schedule for him....this puts you in the petitoners seat rather than the defendant and can always help. To do this you simply need to obtain the "custody packet" from legal aid, clerk of the court or from any one of the many "legal form" stores you can find in the yellow pages. The advantage of the stores is many of them have paralegals who will complete the papers for you so that you will be sure they are in proper order......just a thought. I know this is a scary thing - whenever a child is involved emotions run high - but in honesty from what you have provided so far it doesn't seem too bad to me....he actually seems pretty reasonable in that he isn't asking for custody (only visitation) and is only trying to guarantee himself a place in his child's life. I don't want to sound as though I am taking his side as I am not at all -- only trying to give you a little "hindsight" perspective from someone who was there four years ago and has lived to tell the tale
    Good luck and God Bless

    Hi, no you got it wrong......I dont mind that he wants to see her it is just hes sleazy, he is going to go to court and try to make me to be the worst possible person, i just wanted to know if i needed a lawyer to go to court for that im not sure if hell have one.....also this guy is a dirt-bag i dont think he cares for her at all, he is more interested in making a paper trail to (i am quoting his exact words) "to protect his ass" He called me and asked me to see her and i said "sure when you take resposibility for her with no strings attached I will gladly let you see her" he does not want to give me cash he wants to give me a $ order or a check so he can have proof of paying child support so i cant take hi to court in the future....where is his concern? with the child or "protecting his ass"? also he and his parents bought her a crib. they are a well off family and they bought her a USED crib, now there is nothing wrong with a used crib(even though they can probably affor 2 new ones) but they gave me the crib with a used mattress and expected me to lay my daughter on that. it had holes in it and tape on it. This guy is no angel trust me.
  14. #14
    ursula Guest
    Dear Hurting,
    My responses earlier were not directed toward you. I don't know where this Janna gets off but I can tell you that all a child needs is love. Food of course helps too: ) but my point is - I have 4 children and am now raising them alone. Yes its hard and yes we are always broke but we are happy because we have love for each other. Its not ideal to be a single parent but when they place your child in your arms you will feel a kind of love like you have never known. I cant describe it because there is no description for it. Its something you have to feel. Yes there will be struggles but Im sure you are mature enough to keep your child out of it. Im sorry that others have suggested otherwise. We all have challenges to overcome. Its how we grow and become strong. One of these days you will be able to see how this situation has actually helped you to become a better person.
    I dont think this janna has any right to try to paint you a picture of how bleak she thinks your future may look. Children are a joy. I never thought i wanted to be a mother and here i am 4 kids later and i couldnt emagine my life without them. Things aren't perfect and they never will be but we are grateful for what we have and grateful for each other. Here is a poem my 11 year old just wrote for me:

    MOMMY MOMMY

    Mommy Mommy
    Ilove you!

    Mommy Mommy
    God sent me here to you!

    Mommy Mommy
    No one can replace you!

    Mommy Mommy
    cant you see I love you and
    you love
    me!
    I would like to offer too that if you need help or just want to blow off steam e-mail me HAPPYTOMEETU2899@AOL.COM
    God Bless!

    [Edited by ursula on 12-08-2000 at 08:24 PM]
  15. #15
    LadyBlu Guest

    Janna

    I cannot believe that you could bring those posts up to someone that is in a very emotional situation right now. The situations are about the same yes, but each person is different. The posts you refer to are from a young lady that was only 16 when she became pregnant and had a rough life to begin with. The young lady that posted here is not a minor, she is a adult in the eyes of the law. She also is (seems) more mature in her postings and more level headed.

    I am not going to lie and say it is easy, but you also have to realize that the volatile situations on the board you refer to in most cases are the result of cause and action.

    I myself have three children, the first few years with each father after the split up was rough. They have remarried and I get along with the step mothers. WHy? Because we all agree to disagree about certain issues. They also realize I have been the one to burden the responsibilities of the children through the years.

    There are good situations out there that should be countered with the bad. It is just a shame that the majority of the posts on these boards deal with angry and hurt people that are having problems and have to come to ask for assistance. But of course the people that are not having support/custody problems dont need assistance do they?

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