father's custody

[kmo]

CALIFORNIA. Here's a difficult one. My husband of 8 years had a 2 year long affair. At the end of the relationship we found out that his affair partner was pregnant. My husband and I have 5 children of our own. We made the decision to try and work things out. I am willing to help raise his child with him. PROBLEM: the affair partner thinks that their son together belongs only to her, after all he came out of her body...My husband has been patient with the maternal "bonding" etc. and now would like to be able to spend more time with his son (at least 50 percent). (He is now 9 months old). The mother divorced her husband to be with mine, and the trap didn't work out...now she is bitter and doesn't think the child should be around me. She holds money over my husband's head. He really doesn't want to go to court and would like to settle this with a stipulation. I am a mother myself and understand the connection and love that you develop for a child, but in this circumstance I do not feel that it is right for her to decide when and where and how our family may see this child. He has a father who loves him and wants to be involved in his life. It takes two to make the baby, it should take two to raise him. Unfortunately/Fortunately, in this case there will be three. Are there laws that protect my husband's rights? Court battles that argue back and forth seem counterproductive. Is there any logic that we can present to the mother?

I am not some psycho woman, please no nasty comments about my husband or myself. We are an all American family with excellent education, executive careers, income and morals--this situation is a mistake that we are going to have to live with forever. BUT, children are never a mistake. We want to make the best of a pretty horrible situation. Any advice on how we can handle it or sample custody arrangements would be welcomed.

 

[usdeeper]

Your story or questions are not difficult, they are unfortunately common..

The chances of avoiding court are virtually nil. If she has already taken this attitude then she may know that she does not have to give you any rights without a court order in place. So, at the moment, she CAN decide who, when and where the child is seen. Only a court can tell her otherwise.

Even with a court order, your husbands visitation will be short and probably not any over night visitation until the child is at least 2 years old.

and don't forget Child Support. He will be ordered to pay this at some point if he is not already doing so.

Yes, you can try and talk to her.. but I suggest you get proper legal advice as well and try and educate her in your rights and what you could achieve in court.


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SMILE - Start Making It Livable for Everyone

Divorce is a process over which children have no control. Children should not be its victims.
When parents are under stress, it is harder to be in touch with their children's pain and anguish.
It takes time, effort, and planning on the part of the parents to be able to provide for the children's needs.
In the crisis of divorce, parents may put their children on hold while they attend to adult problems first.
Sometimes separating/divorced parents find that their roles and expectations are undefined and cloudy.
If handled properly, divorce need not be devastating for children.

 

[kmo]

Why does the mother get all of the "rights"?

 

[LegalBeagle]

Because she just spent 9 months carrying the baby.. Generally, unless you can prove that the mother is unfit to care for the child, the mother nearly always starts off with all the rights.. then it is up to the father to fight for his. This is only the case for newborns and where there is no relationship between the father and mother.

 

[kmo]

She just spent nine months carrying the child, so he should support the child financially and she should get all of the opportunities of getting to know the child on a daily basis...because she was the carrier? Esentially we are living in a society that he pays for the bed, she gets to tuck him into. Maybe it should be even, maybe he should carry the child for the first nine months out of the womb. If this great opportunity to give birth and feel life was such an inconvenience that the courts, or we as society, think that that automatically gives certain rights, then it should be retried...It certainly takes two to form the baby/child. A father is not just a wallet...Especially in this case, the two never were married, shared a life, money or anthing besides infidelity. In all reality it may be easier to just give the mother money and go on, but he/we will not do that, this child deserves a father..

We have seen an attorney and were given little hope. I understand why things are the way they are right now, a lot of dads in the past gave up their roles and deserted children. When a father wants custody and a "real" relationship that consists of more than Disneyland and weekends, isn't there something he can do? Theoretically, are the two parents not on equal grounds at birth? (OK, except for the fact that she carried the child for 40 weeks)?

What are the advances for fathers in the courts these days? Are there any precidents being set that give fathers more equal rights? Is there anything we can use in our reasoning/arguing with the mother that might convince her that the court would give us equal time.