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hound dog

Guest
I am getting my girls for a week. I would like to know how should I approach them about their home life? They are scared to talk about it becasue their mother has threaten them. A recap their mother has a live in drunk. I know my girls have lied to me b/c I asked my oldest about head lice she said that they do not but their principle e-mailed me last week and said that they did .

So that hurt me to know that she would lie to me. So I would like to know how do I approach it where they do not think they are telling on mommy. I would like to know if their home life is better than the last time . I am very concern and would like to know the TRUTH , I would like to know the welfare of my children.
So if anyone has any suggestions i would appreciate it. Thanks!
 


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hound dog

Guest
Well I tried to find my other post to give you all some in sight but can not find it . Sorry
 

usmcfamily

Senior Member
You are not in an enviable postion, my friend, and for that my sympathy. But it isn't sympathy you're here for so on to the advice.....there is NO good way, as it is likely to bite you in the end no matter how you do it. But, that said, you have to find a way - confusing? Sorry.
As you have a relationship with your children it will be easier for you than some - you need to find ways for this to come out in casual conversation with the girls - remember, you have a WEEK...don't try to make it happen all at once or the first day - that won't work and you and the girls will be frustrated and not enjoy your visit at all. Instead you need to find ways to get them to talk about it throughout their visit - and make it seem their idea to talk about it as they are more likely to be forthcoming about things....you would be amazed what you learn when you aren't trying. For instance my daughter told me on a trip to the grocery store that her bio-dad's girlfriend (ex now!)had hit her on her last visit to them - these things come out best when the child is relaxed and not even really thinking about waht they are saying. Don't tell your oldest you know she lied - she will only become defensive/distrusting as she will think you had checked her story (I know you didn't but she won't).
I won't promise you will get what you want - it is clear from your post that their mother has a good hold on them and fear is a great motivator to children. More than anything you need to reenforce the fact that they are SAFE with you and then they will hopefully feel SAFE in sharing with you.
Regardless of what you do/don't get out of this visit as far as informatio goes ENJOY EVERY MINUTE OF IT ---- that more than anything is what the girls need from you
Good luck and God Bless

P.S. Can you prove that the drunk is a co-habitant in the residence w/out using your children -- ie phone listings w/their address and his name or witnesses that see him there all the time - as you mentioned before that alone is a violation of the agreement....document all of that you can.
 
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gotbeer

Guest
Hound dog,

I remember your post. Do you have another person living with you? An uncle/aunt to the children, a babysitter that they are comfortable with? The reason I ask is because although they should already be comfortable with you, they may open up to someone who they feel will not get mad at their mom. My daughter is a little more open with her aunt than with me (something that I'm trying to work on), so she tends to tell her things that she feels I might get upset at but feels an adult should know. Maybe someone you can trust can help you distinguish if the children's living enviroment is acceptable. At least this way you would also have someone as a witness if you ever needed to take her back to court!

Don't know if this is the advice you were looking for but I wish you the best of luck. Protecting your children is your #1 priority.



[This message has been edited by gotbeer (edited October 27, 2000).]
 
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hound dog

Guest
Thankyou very muck . My wife and my daughters are extremely close . my oldest confides in my wife every now and then but you can tell they watch what they say. My oldest told me that her mother told them if they told anything that would not be allowed to see us. So that frightens them to death b/c they do love us so very much. So you can see the fear in their eyes. The other one will not talk fearing that the other child will tell. Everytime they speak of their home life you can see them look at each other when saying it , like getting approval or something. i hope they can feel at ease. i do not know what to do . I know something is going on and it kills me that they will not confide in me. I am their protector but it seems like i can not protect them from this situation. Without knowing what is going on except for what they have told me it is hard to prove. i called fcs on her the first time my daughter told me about the abuse but they could not find any evidence of it .

Although when I call sometimes I can tell that the b/f is drunk.We talk more than me and my x-wife. Stands a good reason b/c her and i can not get along. I hate her for what she is doing to my children. I feel useless b/c there is nothing i can do.
 
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gotbeer

Guest
Hound dog,
You do have an order for visitations right? If so, their mother could never keep them from you and threaten her children, they need to be aware of that.
I think that if their living enviroment is in no way acceptable for children and they are having to endure this type of treatment from the boyfriend, they need to know that they are not alone and this type of behavior is not acceptable. Children believe that adults are always "right" and this is why when a child is being molested, physically abused, etc that they really don't speak out until years after the incident. They can feel ashamed, threatened, and that it was their fault that they were receiving this treatment. I speak from experience.

Document EVERYTHING! These children need to know that you are on their side. Have your wife talk to them. Have a counsler talk to them. Someone needs to find out what these kids are so afraid to speak up about!

I wish nothing but the best in a situation like this.

[This message has been edited by gotbeer (edited October 27, 2000).]

[This message has been edited by gotbeer (edited October 27, 2000).]
 
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gotbeer

Guest
I might also add that I'm not insinuating that they are being treated like this (physically and sexually abused) but when it comes to the welfare of your children you should always be on top of it!
 
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whyme0629

Guest
I am extremely sorry about your misfortune. From my experience, I do know that when my ex was drinking heavily, I was told that the judge can re-evaluate his ability to watch over our daughter. I never followed through with it since i have primary custody of our daughter and his drinking has subsided since he cant afford it. If you put in a petition for Modification of Child Custody, the judge can have a court laison take alchol/drug tests of the people in the home and so forth. The court can re-evaluate their mothers situation and see if she is unfit to watch over your children. As "GOTBEER" said, DOCUMENT EVERYTHING! It will be a long process but if you keep at it, i am sure that the judge will make the right decision about where your kids can live, hopefully with you.
 
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Brandys

Guest
Dear Hounddog
I stopped reading the prio posting after about the 5 one. I have to say I agree with USMC on all points I'd like to add just one. I have a relationship with my step daughter where she will pour everything out regardless of what her mother tells her. She is an adult now but even as a child we had this relationship (and she really didn't like me as a kid, I was the wicked step mother). She would never tell her father anything and her mother and I fought like cats and dogs everytime something went wrong with one of the kids (and still today she is 23 and still won't tell dad much of anything). The reason she tells me everything is because I have enstilled in all our children that no matter what it is, no matter how bad or what they have done that it's okay to tell me what's going on. I have a reputation with all four of our kids as being a PitBull in thier court. If your daughter talks to your wife openly then I would like to suggest to you that she become your childrens Pitbull, if they are being abused then "StepMoms" have more power then given credit for and she can put a stop to all these fears. Sometimes it takes a woman to stop a woman. God Bless you all.
 

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